Another possibly controversial topic...

[animechica]

Okay, boundaries in dating aside, I'm wondering about accountability.

My boyfriend and I find it's easier to be accountable to each other (in matters that I shouldn't need to go into detail about, I'm sure you can imagine what kind of accountability this is) than to other people. In my mind, that's awesome, because it gives us a chance to be honest with each other (honesty is very important to me) and helps us grow closer.

However, I hear that the common Christian opinion on accountablity partners is to never make a person of the opposite sex the accountablity partner. In some ways, I can understand this... in other ways, isn't it more meaningful to be accountable to the person who you should be able to tell EVERYTHING to?

What do you guys think? My boyfriend in particular does not feel comfortable talking to his male friends about issues that he will talk with me about. Isn't talking to me better than not talking to anyone? Or, my real question, isn't talking to me, the one who should know him best, better than talking to someone else? ><

[Kunoichi]

well in my opinion its great to have your boyfriend as an accoutability partner...however it is also good if you a third party so to speak be an accountability partner because they may see this more objectively. So your boyfriend accounting in you is great! It might be wise to have a mutual friend or wise person from church that you feel comfortable with can also help

[ClosetOtaku]

One of the main reasons the advice against "opposite sex" accountability partners exist is this:

Husband and Wife agree accountability is a good thing. Husband (or wife) finds female (or male) accountability partner. They open up intimate details of their lives to this other person. An attraction between the married person and the accountability partner sometimes grows because of this, with obvious results. Not good.

Now, the reason most husbands and wives don't become each others' accountability partners is this: men are a lot more problematic when it comes to accountability issues. Women are frequently frightened, repulsed, and offended when men "open up" and tell the truth about what they have been thinking, seeing, doing. Very often the wife internalizes this, and begins to wonder, "What am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me?" and other such thoughts. In the long run, it just doesn't work very well.

So...it's a good idea, if you (and especially you) can handle it. You may be able to. You may not. Time will tell. Accountability is a good thing, so don't forego that.

[Tsukuyomi]

As with everything else, there's pros and cons to having your significant other as your accountability partner and vi-versa.

Pro- You can get to know one another at a deeper level.

Con- He may hold back in fear you may think differently of him o.o

[NekoChan_C]

One of the main reasons the advice against "opposite sex" accountability partners exist is this:

Husband and Wife agree accountability is a good thing. Husband (or wife) finds female (or male) accountability partner. They open up intimate details of their lives to this other person. An attraction between the married person and the accountability partner sometimes grows because of this, with obvious results. Not good.

Now, the reason most husbands and wives don't become each others' accountability partners is this: men are a lot more problematic when it comes to accountability issues. Women are frequently frightened, repulsed, and offended when men "open up" and tell the truth about what they have been thinking, seeing, doing. Very often the wife internalizes this, and begins to wonder, "What am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me?" and other such thoughts. In the long run, it just doesn't work very well.

So...it's a good idea, if you (and especially you) can handle it. You may be able to. You may not. Time will tell. Accountability is a good thing, so don't forego that.

That statement says it perfectly. There are many reasons why being your partner/spouse's accountability partner could be a great thing, but always beware that men have struggles that we as women don't (usually) have...

and that can cause some issues when the female partner learns some of the things that her man is confronted with on a daily basis.

Honesty should always be a priority within a relationship, but tact and consideration should also be key.

Best of luck to you guys!
Jess

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Women are frequently frightened, repulsed, and offended when men "open up" and tell the truth about what they have been thinking, seeing, doing.

ClosetOtaku, that's a good observation.
Why do you it happens like this?

[Danderson]

I think the thing about being an accountability partner with the opposite sex is that while it may be sometimes easy to go deep about things, there will always be stuff that will be difficult for the other partner to understand as they are of the opposite sex as you........
......I'd definitely suggest that he not be your only accountability partner......

[animechica]

Women are frequently frightened, repulsed, and offended when men "open up" and tell the truth about what they have been thinking, seeing, doing.

ClosetOtaku, that's a good observation.
Why do you it happens like this?

I would tend to think it happens because women are not men, so they obviously won't have the same struggles, PLUS the fact that women are in some very obvious ways the "weaker vessel" and are plagued by perverts, rapists, and just plain jerks. Those types of men are disgusting to women and it's not hard to see why. A woman wants to be loved and cherished, not victimized and exploited, soooo, when a woman finds a man she feels safe with, she is naturally not going to take it well when she discovers that he has tendencies that remind her of those "bad guys" she's afraid of.

Or at least, that would be my personal observation. Anyone else think the same?

And thanks, Jess, for wishing us well. ^_^

[Etoh*the*Greato]

Let's take a look at the book Catcher in the Rye. I know if I say "WOMENZ HATE THIS BOOK" some will pop up who say they like it. Honestly, I've met those women but the ladies I've seen who hate it are far more numerous. The book offers a candid no holds barred look in to the brain of your average guy. I think it'd probably be uncomfortable. Me? Holden Caufield is kind of my hero. Then again, I read the Color Purple which was probably a good look at a lot of women and it bothered me a lot. We so often thing that our SOs thing like we do that it might be disturbing to see that they really don't.

Me? Jen and I are accountable in regards to things that often directly affect our relationship (but not everything), but for the most part we've made a point to keep our accountability partners outside the couple. If you're dealing with lust in particular it can be hurtful, especially considering it's something that involved the two of you. If you may not be exactly on the same page regarding sex then any confessions might hurt the other person. If you express that you had lustful thoughts about someone else, then your confessions definitely will hurt the other person.

[termyt]

You can have more than one accountability partner.

Your significant other is automatically an accountability partner for you - if you have an honest and sincere relationship (which I hope all husbands and wives strive for, but potentially not all bf/gf's.)

Honesty is part of the marriage contract, IMO.

However, I say that honesty is vital to any lasting relationship – especially to marriage, I would never recommend that you turn your spouse into your “accountability partner.” Not because your spouse is not qualified or because you need to keep secrets from him/her, but because I do not think it is right to burden your spouse with every weird habitual thought pattern that invades your life. (Any spouse of mine would have enough to work with my weird habitual actions to have to be concerned also with the stuff I just think about.)

Your spouse is your partner. As your partner, your spouse has part ownership in all of your problems in a way your other friends never will. Raising kids, managing household finances, dealing with emotional, spiritual, and physical problems as they present themselves are HUGE things that must be dealt with together. Add in your own quirky personality traits, your strengths and weaknesses – these are all things that at the same time increase the stress and the value of the partnership.

For that reason, I do not want to burden my (purely hypothetical) spouse with, for example, my struggle for purity of thought. While my wife ought to be aware of the struggle, I would not want my wife to feel like she needs to have any ownership in it other than being a supportive and good partner. I do not need her to worry about what I think of the girl who just walked by and if she modified her dress or behavior, would I think differently? I would much rather she concentrate on the problems she has a shot at helping me solve.

Now a male friend – a friend who strives to maintain a healthy relationship with me and God - would likely have a better understanding of the thoughts I am thinking – men and women really are wired differently – and would be much more able to aid me in purifying my thoughts. First of all, he's also a male, so shares some of the same tendancies I do. Secondly, he does not own my problems and my failures do not necessarily threaten our friendship like they may threaten my marriage. Therefore he can be more objective in the process since none of the big emotional to-dos fall on his shoulders.

So, IMO, your spouse is a kind of an accountability partner for you, but I believe you would do well to foster that kind of friendship with a willing and earnest person of your own gender. Not to hide things from your spouse, but just to share the burden of being a human with human flaws without making your spouse feel like he/she needs to own that problem, too.

[ClosetOtaku]

Women are frequently frightened, repulsed, and offended when men "open up" and tell the truth about what they have been thinking, seeing, doing.

ClosetOtaku, that's a good observation.
Why do you it happens like this?

In general, men have a substantially more active drive than women.

Furthermore, men generally do not need to have a relationship in order to satisfy this drive. In short, for most men, just about any woman could 'meet their needs', not just the one they are married to.

In addition, in the absence of being able to address physical needs, many men turn to surrogates -- fantasies, strip clubs, pornography, etc. -- in order to stave them over.

The businesses that cater to these functions do not merely supply images. They supply images that demean, humiliate, and objectify women. Many men (though perhaps not most...perhaps) don't see a problem with this.

Now, add this all up: many men have an insatiable drive that can be temporarily addressed by just about any woman and, when that is not available, a steady diet of detestable images will suffice.

That's the general picture. Now, if you were a wife (or just a woman), would this alienate you?

[NekoChan_C]

A woman wants to be loved and cherished, not victimized and exploited, soooo, when a woman finds a man she feels safe with, she is naturally not going to take it well when she discovers that he has tendencies that remind her of those "bad guys" she's afraid of.

Sadly, you would be shocked to learn how many women misguidedly (and often subconsciously) seek to be exploited or victimized... but on the whole, I would agree that most women are looking for comfort and security with their husbands as well as that sense of total trust. And finding out your man has some "tendencies" that you find alarming or distasteful... wow, it can really mess with your head. I speak from experience...

However, all of that aside... the very bottom line is that men and women are simply "wired" differently. Women do not usually have that innate "hot guy sense" that men tend to have, where they simply HAVE to notice that there is an attractive female in the vicinity... Our cues tend to be more focused on feelings and sensations rather than sight and external stimuli alone, although there are exceptions.

This is a broad generalization, but it illustrates the point: Men tend to look at trashy magazines, and women tend to read trashy novels... The parts of our brains that used for arousal, stimulation and pleasure simply respond to different signals.
All in all, it can make it difficult to fully relate to the struggles of a member of the opposite sex.