Purity in dating... opinions?

[animechica]

To quote the timeless question, "How far is too far?"

Sex of any kind is off-limits, that's a given. I'm also firmly convinced that touching sexually is also wrong outside of marriage.

HOWEVER I'm rather concerned about cuddling/kissing... both things I never thought were wrong, but then you think about it...

I've heard some very extreme viewpoints, such as "Any time the breasts of a woman touch a man, it is sexual" which is really depressing to think about because I want to hug my boyfriend, you know?

We have set the standard of nothing past light kissing (no tongue; my idea because from there on out it'd get out of control) but we do cuddle a lot. we both agree that its not a good idea for me to lie/sit/otherwise be in a really obviously sexual position on him, but we do lie down together and blankets are involved. he's very good about not touching me inappropriately and usually it's really only the upper half of our bodies touching, and feet maybe.

From my standpoint, I'm not doing anything wrong. However I can't stop thinking about what other people might think if they saw us lying together, and in turn that leads me to wonder "What if God is actually mad at me for this?!" and that's never fun.

What are your opinions? It's like, it looks bad... but isn't really... you know? agggghh...

[Sheenar]

I think "How far is too far" is the wrong question to ask.

Ask yourself: Does this honor God? Is this causing temptation?

Pray and ask God to reveal the answer to you. And keep after it (keep praying).

I'm sorry I don't have more to offer, but I don't really have any experience with relationships (I'm still waiting for the right guy...)

[LadyRushia]

Some people are very extreme in their limitations when it comes to dating and see their way as the way everyone should behave. It shouldn't be that way. Like Sheenar said, ask yourself if what your doing causes temptation. If someone tells you not to cuddle with your boyfriend because it's wrong yet it doesn't tempt either of you, then don't listen to that person. Everyone has different convictions; some people can go farther than others and some people won't even kiss until their wedding day. It's all about listening to God and recognizing when you're being tempted.

[ShiroiHikari]

Um, there's nothing wrong with cuddling and hugging and kissing as long as you two can exercise some self-control (which honestly isn't as hard as people say it is). I think it's safe to say that God's not going to be mad at you for those things.

[Prince Asbel]

[quote="LadyRushia (post: 1228848)"]Some people are very extreme in their limitations when it comes to dating and see their way as the way everyone should behave. It shouldn't be that way. Like Sheenar said, ask yourself if what your doing causes temptation. If someone tells you not to cuddle with your boyfriend because it's wrong yet it doesn't tempt either of you, then don't listen to that person. Everyone has different convictions]

QFT. It's all a matter of you and your boyfriend being as honest as possible as to whether doing X is causing you to sin.

[K. Ayato]

Shiroi is right. Self-control is the most important part.

[Amzi Live]

Shiroi is right. Self-control is the most important part.

Ditto,The thing is once you know what is too far for you,and your boyfriend you should avoid it at all times.
I also agree with Rushia that each person has their own "line" which would not be wise to cross as to avoid falling into tempting territory.

[Prince Asbel]

(I meant to say this in my first post) Your boyfriend never coming into contact with your chest to the point where you don't hug just sounds silly. Unless he tells you it's a problem for him, or even if it's a problem for you, go right ahead. Again, unless it presents a problem, the idea just sounds ridiculous. I've hugged girls before, and my mind wasn't going crazy because I had close physical contact with their chest. Darn... Let me boil it down. It's not a given that that sort of contact is sexual.

[animewarrior]

well I'm not exactly the voice of experience here..however if you feel like you are doing something "wrong" then you probably are.... I hate the whole "LINE" idea because if you cross that line even once some people are just like well that wasn't that bad... so they push the line farther,,,,as to the hugging...well I don't think its that bad as long as you aren't like draped across each other every waking moment...*winks* that's what marriage is for....however for the time being just play it safe.... and I don't quite know what to say as to the blankets bit...I get kinda weirded out by that...(has a friend who does this)....and I guess for me I probably wouldn't have the self control to not be tempted....and as to your kissing rule..VERY smart.. XD well like I said I haven't really dated anyone .... so this is just a bystanders view of the sitch.. *shrugs*

[mechana2015]

You could always get a chastity belt... that'd ensure that nothing happens.

<.<
>.>

[K. Ayato]

You could always get a chastity belt... that'd ensure that nothing happens.

<.<
>.>

An Everlast?

[Tsukuyomi]

Right, just as everyone says. It sounds like you guys have great self control Just make sure you guys keep that up it's ok to kiss and cuddle. Just.. don't let it go too far ^__^ You shouldn't let what others say bug you. Are you comfortable with how things are? Has there been anything nagging at you lately? Besides for what you think others may think? Like, a nagging feeling deep down inside? If there is, make sure they are your feelings and not what you think may be others feelings.

[Nightshade X]

An Everlast?

Good one! *high fives*

Back to topic!

[Mr. SmartyPants]

I myself prefer Everclear. Straight-up Everclear. XD

[Neurotic]

Eh, No one believes on old fashioned cermudgery in their chastity? Even marriage ought not to be just an excuse to have sex with the one you love; that ensures that you are not in it for the glory of God, but only married for your gratifications. Affection in courtship should be similar; does your partner need a physical expression of loe that often to know that you have feelings for them?

[ShiroiHikari]

Whoa whoa whoa! Hang on a second. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but are you saying that marriage doesn't need sex? I mean, obviously you shouldn't just marry for sex because that's stupid.

Do we need physical affection? I think the answer is yes. Humans need human contact. Some people might have personalities where they don't need it as much as others, but hugs and other physical contact are part of our nature.

[K. Ayato]

I second what Shiroi just said. Can you explain your statements?

[Prince Asbel]

Eh, No one believes on old fashioned cermudgery in their chastity? Even marriage ought not to be just an excuse to have sex with the one you love]need[/I] a physical expression of loe that often to know that you have feelings for them?

Um... Yeah, dude. Could you explain yourself with more clarity? Physical needs are really a huge reason many people (who love each other) get married. I don't know of anybody who marries because they think their marriage in and of itself brings glory to God. Whether we marry or not makes no difference.

[LadyRushia]

I also second Shiroi. If we didn't have physical contact with other humans, we'd end up like those children who were locked away for most of their lives and had the mental capacity of a toddler even though they were much older (an extreme example, but it proves the point).

But guys, I don't think he's saying that sex isn't necessary for marriage. I think he's saying that it shouldn't be the one and only reason for marriage and that relationships should be more than just physical.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

does your partner need a physical expression of love that often to know that you have feelings for them?

Short answer: Yes

Long answer: Usually, because physical expression is a very intimate form of romantic love you can give to someone, with sex being the greatest form. It also depends on what your "love language" may be. If someone feels the most loved when they are physically touched, they would require more touch from their partner. On the flip side, someone who felt loved the most with words of affirmation may demand more compliments and loving words.

Nobody is saying that we're getting married to JUST have sex, but sex is usually a vital part of romance. A healthy romantic marriage would more than likely include a healthy amount of sexual activity. There is a difference between a desire for companionship and romance which includes sex (A little or a lot, depending on how you and your spouse roll) and a desire for sex itself. I say that it's good to not only desire romance, but also the sex that is within a loving marriage.

And also, sex isn't always self-centered and selfish. (Except for the uncool instances like in porn) You can surely have sex and while putting the intention of pleasing your partner above the pleasure of yourself, or at least put both goals at equal priority. If a married couple wanted to please each other sexually, then there's good chance of those two having a healthy, harmonious, and loving sex life.

[termyt]

Well, sex is off the table, and rightfully so, but since it's come up, I will comment on it. To me sex IS marriage. It is sex that bounds our bodies together and through sex two become one. When you have sex with another, you have entered into a marriage contract with that person.

If you get married but never have sex, then I do not believe you are married in God's eyes.

Jewish tradition highlights this. It is traditional for a couple to immediately consummate their marriage after the vows. The family and friends gather for the reception and wait for the new couple to finish their consummation before the party can start. (Talk about performance pressure).

As for dating, when the dating turns serious, the two of you should sit down and discuss boundaries. Hopefully, both of you are comfortable enough to pray together. Nothing helps start a date off right then starting it with prayer. But an honest discussion about comfort and boundaries will help you help each other remain pure.

Guys are incredibly physically oriented when it comes to arousal. I can't over state that. It's how most of us are wired.

[Prince Asbel]

Well, sex is off the table, and rightfully so, but since it's come up, I will comment on it. To me sex IS marriage. It is sex that bounds our bodies together and through sex two become one. When you have sex with another, you have entered into a marriage contract with that person.

If you get married but never have sex, then I do not believe you are married in God's eyes.

Hmmm... I agree with just about everything here. Of course, if a couple is physically incapable of having sex, that doesn't necessarily mean they aren't married. But really, when it comes down to it, Christians can have close relationships with members of the opposite sex without marriage. But that's not enough for someone who wants a partner with which to 1. Raise a family, or 2., just to enjoy a husband/wife physical relationship. So I think it is more about sex than some are willing to admit. That's my personal comment on it. But yes, we need boundaries in dating.

[Nate]

I myself prefer Everclear. Straight-up Everclear. XD

I had a friend who drank straight-up Everclear. He said it was like drinking fire. That was after yelling at the top of his lungs words that I cannot say on CAA.

[animechica]

Thanks so much everybody for your two cents. I'll definitely keep what you say in mind. Fortunately, God has blessed me with not only the sweetest guy ever, but with someone who genuinely wants to do the right thing, too. So we've done pretty well with this so far IMHO. ^ ^

Well, sex is off the table, and rightfully so, but since it's come up, I will comment on it. To me sex IS marriage. It is sex that bounds our bodies together and through sex two become one. When you have sex with another, you have entered into a marriage contract with that person.

Wow, that's how I've always looked at it too! I think if more people viewed sex that way, they would be much more careful who they gave themselves to.

Now for another thing I've wondered about... Let's say two people just had sex, are they immediately wrong for their actions or are they wrong only when they do sexual things with someone outside of their "marriage"? Is it the ceremony, the vows... what constitutes marriage, anyway? I think one of my sister's friends has parents that never married, but are together. You know? What are your opinions? (BTW, this one is purely for discussion... it doesn't reflect what i would actually go out and do, lol)

[Neurotic]

People wanted me to explain, and for that I apologize for my vagueness.
I was only asserting that sex and affection are not love, and thus aren't the most important things in a loving relationship; termyt, I believe that you are wrong in that st. Paul, in 1 Corinthians, made his positions on marriage very clear, claiming that chastity in mariage was not necessary, but still encouraged -it is still marriage(he himself was chaste even to his wife, but admitted that this is not for everyone).
I was also tryng to adress the idea of nonsexual affection; I just don't think it's all that great of an idea for unwed couples ("partners," but I ought to have used a better word...), mainly due to the temptation it causes. Hugging, holding, kissing, these can all be the beginnings of some unendurable trials on those with abstinent ideas - I didn't mean to exclude that from married couples. Then, okay, do whatever you want.

[Nate]

claiming that chastity in mariage was not necessary, but still encouraged

Uh, you ARE aware that in Hebrew tradition, there was no "marriage ceremony." When a couple wished to be married they went to a "consummation tent" and had sex. This bound them in marriage, and is part of the reason why the OT says if a man rapes an unmarried woman, that he must marry her, because they have performed the act of marriage.

Second, Paul didn't say what you said. He said:

It is good for a man not to marry.

In fact, Paul says that it's BAD for a married couple to not have sex, further in 1 Corinthians:

Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

THIRDLY, Paul wasn't married! What are you talking about? Paul says very clearly:

Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.

Methinks you need to read the verses a little bit closer, eh?

[ShiroiHikari]

Also, he says "it is good", not "it is mandatory". He's saying that whether you do or do not get married, either way is fine. He also says that if you absolutely can't control yourself, it's better to get married than to "burn". I don't think that necessarily means that you should marry solely for sex; I think it just means that Paul was trying to make the point that sleeping around is a very bad and potentially dangerous thing (which you can't really argue with).

I feel like I've said this somewhere before recently. >_> Oh well.

[animewarrior]

ahh... this almost worse then my Sex-ED class....however there the people are like "have safe sex" EXCUSE ME BUT WHEN IS SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE "SAFE"!!! >,< Just shows you how sad our world has become...

I think that marriage is a great gift designed by the Lord and we really need to watch our boundaries until that day. After that you go and have fun! XD The pre-marriage time is just letting yourself get to know the person better. Honestly, I think it'd be better to marry a person that you know really well and cherish early (say when you are 20) then to go out and do whatever with whoever and hope by the end of you are alright...and then marry someone at 26....

*shivers* I know for a while I kind of went "boy crazy" (as in all I would think about is guys and marriage and crap) but I've realized that getting to know a guy as a friend and realizing that they love the Lord as much as you do is the bette way to go. I think that kissing is alright, HOWEVER ONLY in special occassions... and just keep it nice and simple... guys have hormones girls and us girls can get caught up in things as well... so play it safe.

Paul just is saying that if you can remain single and live give your entire life to the Lord and not be bothered by being single then that is a GOOD thing. However, if you do meet your "special someone" then you should marry them, for love and honor, for God has given such a person to you. Be grateful all you people out there with loved ones... it's a treasure.

Meanwhile all you single guys and girls out there, remain strong in the Lord and he may suprise you. I know that I've definitely been suprised by God before. I just need to be more patient... and then you may find your love... and well I'm ranting.. ^^' (I'm kind of trying to deal with romantic issues right now as well so this is for me as well as anyone...)

so ttyl Farewell, and God Bless
- Your Sister in Christ,
animewarrior

[Mr. SmartyPants]

[quote="Neurotic (post: 1232789)"]I was also tryng to adress the idea of nonsexual affection]
Hugging, holding, and kissing are only sexual if one gives into the temptation of such things.

And I honestly can't see any dating relationship go well off if there's not a healthy amount of physical intimacy. Sure, it can be a mutual decision that two people may decide to not get physical at all while dating, but barely anybody does that because then their own needs would be deprived. (And I am not talking about sex here).

[LadyRushia]

Hugging, holding, kissing, these can all be the beginnings of some unendurable trials on those with abstinent ideas

[quote="Me"]Everyone has different convictions]
-_-;;