A Legend of Zelda Fan Fic: A Quest Fulfilled?

[Mister Frodo]

I actually wrote this fan fic a while ago, but only recently pulled it out and looked at it. For a while I had entertained the idea of a Legend of Zelda where Zelda is either arrogant, or stubborn, or just a plain brat. Or maybe not that so much to a certain extent, but what if Zelda didn't really like Link? What if she was disappointed that it was just him that came to save her? What if Link's quest was partially in vain?

Those thoughts produced this fan fic.

I must have been depressed or something when I wrote this, because it's... depressing, at least in my opinion. I intentionally tried to write it in a less traditional way. I wanted it to be a bit more emotionally involved with the character. A bit more detached, perhaps? Whatever the reason, it turned out to be kind of sad. I still like it, though.

The story is fairly short. Almost shorter than this intro, in fact. As a growing and maturing writer, I would very much appreciate any comments/constructive criticism that you may have, such as things that I do well and things that I need to improve upon. I don't really consider "It sucks" or "Lame and stupid" to be constructive criticism. If you think it's lame and stupid, please tell me why you think it's lame and stupid.

So, here's the story. Please post a reply if you have any comments, and please, enjoy!

--

He stood in the doorway, covered in sweat. His damp hair hung in his eyes, making his already blurry vision worse. His breath came in quick, ragged gasps. His hand clutched to the door’s stone frame like a lifeline, the only true thing keeping him standing. But still he held himself upright, even as pain and exhaustion threatened to overtake him.

He had succeeded in his mission. He had won.

It was over.

His sight cleared. Through misty eyes he saw her, sitting on the stone floor, her pink dress stained with mud and decay. The goal of his quest, the end of his journey through darkness. Her blond hair, streaked with dirt, still flowing down to her neck.

She had an almost pristine beauty, an indescribable face that could break the heart of any man. But something about her beauty seemed cold, distant; almost like the ineffable splendor of the setting sun. Something you could see, but could not touch.

This he did not mind. He had come for her. His trials, his tribulation, all led to this. The moment when he gave her freedom.

The moment when he saved Hyrule.

“So just you came to save me?â€

[Aileen Kailum]

Good grief, Frodo. Well done, but this story is like kicking a puppy.

[Sae-chan]

Meh, so sad... I feel for Link. o.o" Bad Zelda! Bad Zelda! ><

[Esoteric]

It's an interesting angle. Pride, vanity...it could have potential. But I agree..it's a little too heavy handed. Zelda is not only cruel, she hasn't got any brains. Even a filthy rescuer is a rescuer. Would she insult someone so harshly who could simply turn around and leave her in that locked cell? Is she really that naive? She is at the mercy of his kindness...surely even a brat can appreciate that, even if they don't like it.

While different, reminds me a little of how Princess Fionna reacted to Shrek when he came to rescue her...she was initially disappointed (albeit for a slightly different reason), but they both eventually found reasons for cooperating. I dunno, it just made me think of that.

“So just you came to save me?”

I would imagine a response more like..."Who are you?" If he didn't look like a knight, how'd she know he was there to rescue her?

She rose to her feet. He realized for the first time her height. She nearly stood a head taller than he did. “Such a small boy, coming here to save me? Was this all the armies of Hyrule could muster?”

All through this conversation she is more than just insulting Link. She is disdaining her own kingdom, even her father. If she is so blatantly insulting of everyone...when she asks how her father could send him, I should rather like to see Link angrily respond: "It's a wonder! I begin to think he hoped I would fail and by so forever rid him of such a selfish brat!"

He needed her to favor him.

Why? He was supposed to rescue the princess not be her best friend. He wouldn't need her favor to pull the o'l heave ho and lug her outta there on her backside. Considering what he'd just battled through to get to her, I can see him doing that easily.
Now sure, you could argue that he wants to princess to be happy when she arrives back to her father...but if she's always this bratty, you think the king's really gonna pay attention when she squeals and hollers about how rude this peasant boy was? He will have gotten his daughter back safe and sound. That's all he wanted, right?

She chuckled. “So naïve… As I would suspect from a farming family. Well, you were the one who saved me. Fine. We will converse here no longer. Lead me out, um… what did you say your name was?”

“Link.” He shook his head. She did not care for him. Not even in the least bit. “My name is Link.”

“Yes, Link. Lead me to your horse. Lead me back to my castle.”

Wow, she's a total airhead. Since your goal was to make Zelda unlikable, I would say you succeeded magnificently. However, if your goal was to make the story enjoyable..ehhh. Not so much.

[AJV]

Hi Minister Frodo,
Good job with the story.
It's very interesting how you changed Zelda's character and made it believeable.

[Mister Frodo]

It's an interesting angle. Pride, vanity...it could have potential. But I agree..it's a little too heavy handed. Zelda is not only cruel, she hasn't got any brains. Even a filthy rescuer is a rescuer. Would she insult someone so harshly who could simply turn around and leave her in that locked cell? Is she really that naive? She is at the mercy of his kindness...surely even a brat can appreciate that, even if they don't like it.

While different, reminds me a little of how Princess Fionna reacted to Shrek when he came to rescue her...she was initially disappointed (albeit for a slightly different reason), but they both eventually found reasons for cooperating. I dunno, it just made me think of that.

I would imagine a response more like..."Who are you?" If he didn't look like a knight, how'd she know he was there to rescue her?

All through this conversation she is more than just insulting Link. She is disdaining her own kingdom, even her father. If she is so blatantly insulting of everyone...when she asks how her father could send him, I should rather like to see Link angrily respond: "It's a wonder! I begin to think he hoped I would fail and by so forever rid him of such a selfish brat!"

Why? He was supposed to rescue the princess not be her best friend. He wouldn't need her favor to pull the o'l heave ho and lug her outta there on her backside. Considering what he'd just battled through to get to her, I can see him doing that easily.
Now sure, you could argue that he wants to princess to be happy when she arrives back to her father...but if she's always this bratty, you think the king's really gonna pay attention when she squeals and hollers about how rude this peasant boy was? He will have gotten his daughter back safe and sound. That's all he wanted, right?

Wow, she's a total airhead. Since your goal was to make Zelda unlikable, I would say you succeeded magnificently. However, if your goal was to make the story enjoyable..ehhh. Not so much.

Thank you for your comments, Esoteric. Yeah, I did make her REALLY unlikable looking at it now. *nervous chuckle* Actually, that wasn't my goal when I set out, I was more of trying to give a different angle on the Legend of Zelda story, but... Yeah. I went overboard.

But this is really good! Thank you so much! I think I'm going to revise the story. Hopefully I'll post the rewrite on the Writing Forum when (if?) I get around to it. Which means I'll probably post on there 2009, at the earliest.

And the rest of you, thank you for your comments as well! Please, if you read, I would prefer if you commented, and if you have criticisms like Esoteric's, feel free to post them! Just... make them like Esoteric's so I can learn from them. Hopefully.