Accountability/Encouragement

[Sheenar]

Wow, it's been almost 6 months since I broke ties with my mother. It's been very hard, but God has been providing. I have not gone hungry or without a roof over my head. Bills are getting paid. Pebbles is being taken care of. God is faithful.
I'm still struggling though. I know it's going to take a very long time to heal. I still feel the emotional effects of the abuse. (To be brief, for those who don't know, I was abused by my mother and just got out of the abusive relationship with her in October) I find myself saying "I'm sorry" frequently --most of the time for things that aren't my fault or when I didn't do anything wrong. It's like I'm afraid in the back of my mind of losing my friends if I mess up. I know my friends love me unconditionally because Christ is in them, but the feeling's still there---it's like I don't want them to be angry with me so I just say "I'm sorry" all the time. I know it needs to stop--it's very draining.
And I still can't trust people. I love my friends, but I find myself still unable to trust them completely. It's like I'm afraid that if I get too close to them, they'll go away. That's happened with the vast majority of close friends that I've had. But I long for deep, meaningful relationships with people. And that requires trust. I'm also still learning to trust God --and to know completely that He is NOT like my earthly parents and will never leave me or make me feel worthless. He is the PERFECT parent.
Can some of you guys please help keep me accountable about a couple of things? One is to have time with God every day --in this time "on my own", I've come to realize just how much I depend on God --I need Him more than anything else. I've been reading my Bible regularly, but I've been convicted that I don't talk to God like I should. I need to take everything to Him in prayer--instead of bottling everything up inside me --take to Him all my hurt feelings, insecurities, failures, and also my joys.
Second, that I will actually start doing the journal that came with my book "Lord, I Want to be Whole". I've been reading the book and it's very good and helpful, but I think it would be of more benefit of me to actually do the journal with it so it's more personal. I'm just afraid of what God might bring to my attention or what He may ask me to do. Pray that I will just suck it up and do it. I know it will be worth it in the end. I also want to start a personal journal --that way I have a record of God working in my life--that progress is being made.
I am a broken person. It's hard. I have a lot of healing to do and also a lot of important decisions to make in my life. I graduate in a year. Finances are tight. I've been having stomach problems--almost everything I eat makes me feel sick (indigestion) afterwards--even cereal. Please pray for me. And I will try to do the same in return.
It's been amazing how so many people have been so loving towards me. I no longer have parents in my life, but I have found that I have so much support in my friends and through the adults in my church and on campus. God is faithful. He shows me that I am not alone.

[ADXC]

I know that Im not out of the house like you, yet. But I think I can say some things. Yes you should take everything to God in prayer. Its now gotten to the point where I start to pray about everything to God, and I do this every part of the day or at least when I can. Whenever you think a problem is about to come upon you pray to God and ask Him to help you get through it. Even if your already in the problem it still isn't too late. You know this already, Im just saying it again for you and for me. Never rely on yourself but on God. I tried doing that once and it got me nowhere. This is a tough world we live in, it hardly ever seems like there is going to be a moment of rest. But perservere through the Lord every day and eventually you will come to not a moment but an eternity of rest in heaven. Even if you barely make it, at least you made it. I hope that you will do well in the part of life thats ahead of you. I'll be praying for you. And as you said yourself, your never alone or will be.

[Sheenar]

Please continue to pray for me. I'm doing mostly ok, but am dealing with some things.
I still have 2 weeks until I get my cast off. My foot has really been hurting and I'm starting to lose my positive attitude about it. I just want the darn thing off!!! I've been in a cast for about 9 weeks!
And I'm feeling depressed because I won't be able to see my family for Easter. My aunt lives in the next town south, but I don't have a car and she isn't really able to drive right now, so I probably can't go see her and my cousin. My other aunt lives a few more towns over and I haven't seen her or my cousins (her daughters) for more than a year --I really miss them and it's hard. I wish I had a car or a way to see them.
I just feel like an orphan. I don't really have any parents(they're both alive, but not around) and I can't see the family that I do have that loves me. I just don't want to spend the Easter weekend alone...I'm going to see if I can get together with friends who are in town...
Pray for me to have a good attitude. I am so blessed and yet I complain a lot. And please pray that the guy above me will stop playing his stupid drum/jymbae thing before I go and beat him down:bootout:...he always plays it late at night when I'm trying to rest or when I'm trying to study or when I really just want some quiet time! It's really hard to not get angry about it. Pray that I'll have a good attitude about that and get up the nerve to tell the RA about it.
Thank you for hearing me out. Needed to get those things out. I pray God will help me know that He's in control and to love the people who annoy me --*think Christlike thoughts about guy upstairs*...

[GeneD]

I am so blessed and yet I complain a lot.

That's like the summery of human existance!

Praying for you, Sheenar. I really hope you can do something with friends over the weekend. About the accountability thing, that's always a good idea to have others keep tabs on you and encourage you in your Christian walk.

P.S. I'm glad the thing with your dorms was sorted out.

[Sheenar]

Today was ok. I was really heartsick earlier because my aunt had called and told me that we weren't going to get together for Easter this year. I just kept thinking of her and my other aunt and my little cousins and how much I miss them...this is what makes holidays so hard for me --I want to spend them with my family, but it doesn't always work out so I can. And I have to remember that it's not my fault and it's not that they don't want to be with me --it's just that they aren't able to come pick me up this time. It's hard to think rationally about this sometimes because I was essentially rejected by my mother and it's hard to remember that the rest of my family is not like her.
But then I felt better and I went out to my college minister's property. Pebbles had a blast playing in the lake and rolling in the dirt --she kept stealing footballs and running around like crazy. I had fun sitting by the fire, eating, and talking to people. So I didn't have to spend Easter alone. Praise God for friends and my church family!

[HiddenWoodchuck]

Hey, it is good to hear you did have a fun Easter! I will be praying for you. I know how the tight finances can be, as I am just barely making enough to get by with the massive bills and cost to put gas in my vehicle... but it is working, praise God! I'm a bit worried about what direction to go with my life, but my trust in Him always seems to get me through. I know it's really hard sometimes... the trusting no matter what, but I will be sure to keep you in my prayers.

I've got an a problem with acid indigestion myself also... it happens with no matter what I eat. I've taken so many over the counter meds for it, but it still happens sometimes. I notice it happen more often when I stress though, and I was told by a friend in the medical line of work, that stress causes you to get indigestion a lot. I dunno if that is what is going on with you, but I sure know it can be annoying! Have you tried anything for it? I know a few cheaper meds that have calmed mine down a bit, that I just get from local stores. The cheapest is around 4 to 5 dollars for a big thing of chewable tablets.

[Sheenar]

I'm currently on Reglan for my stomach issues --I take it 30 minutes before I eat --sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't --and sometimes I just forget to take it... I really need to see a specialist, but I'm trying to make it manageable until I can.
Thanks for the encouragement!

[HiddenWoodchuck]

Ah, I sure don't like that "works one moment, but not the next" stuff. I went to a specialist a few years back, and the stuff he gave me didn't work... so he just suggested stuff that is over the counter... he closed down his office now, so it makes me wonder how good he was to begin with lol I haven't been able to find a new one in the area myself... so just doing the try one thing and see if it works stuff, that is over the counter. I have found Prilosec OTC to be the best, but I can't always afford it, so I have to get the chewable things. I dunno how many times people have told me to take tums, but those things never work for me!

[Kunoichi]

I can understand about the trust Sheenar..especially about messing up....I pray that God heals you