Postby TheDreamwalker » Tue Mar 25, 2008 5:30 pm
Since my mom's side of the family is quite religious, I was always quite knowledgeable of Christianity. I believed whatever I was told to believe as a child, but as I entered my teens years... I questioned everything. Sort of inspired from anime, I read about other countries and their customs. I read about Japan, and discovered Buddhism and Shintoism. From a friend at the time, I discovered tarot cards, and was absolutely enthused with them. I soon was researching more New Age beliefs.
After some reading, I fell in love with Wicca. Celebrating life and death, cycles of change, practicing magic, and a God/dess that encompassed all others, meaning EVERYONE could go to Paradise, and then be reincarnated as they please? It seemed so amazing. It was absolute freedom, besides the Law of Three (karma, basically). For awhile, it was fascinating enough for me to be satisfied, but you know, looking back on it... I was more fascinated by the idea than actually practicing it. I couldn't picture a God and Goddess, and definitely not multiple. I could only picture God. I never performed a spell, either. I never actually did anything related, but I considered Wicca to fit my beliefs pretty well. And I kept trying to discover the Goddess.
I actually felt really good through highschool, but it was awkward when my family was around, since they're so religious. I felt like I had to hide myself from them, and I never liked that. Still, in comparison Wicca seemed better.
Once I got into college, however, I got into this deep depression. Part of it was the kinds of classes I was taking (tough topics in Expos such as "How much charity is enough? Are we as Americans not doing our part?", a class on the atomic bombing in WWII), part of it was just stress from the change in scenery, part of it was stress from classes all together, and the biggest part... was being really lonely. I'd never been away from my family and friends for more than two weeks. There were also rallies for suffering peoples of different countries and injustices in America. I felt so stressed not only from carrying my own burdens, but the weight of the world as well. I felt like a disgusting human being for not being able to help others enough, even though I try every day. I was starting to hate humanity. ._. Why oh why do we cause so much chaos, I thought?
All of the sudden, I realized I felt like I was in the wrong spot or something. I thought, "The goddess is silent. She doesn't help. I feel out of place in every religion I seek. Why don't I fit in anywhere?" I did occasionally feel God helping me, answering my prayers, but I tried to reject the idea and think it was the Horned God instead. Deep down, I felt ashamed. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and yet I couldn't stop. I couldn't silence my compassion to please all.
Well, God definitely knows how to reach out, because he reached me out through the only mediums I would ever pay serious attention to: books and anime.
It was the Narnia books that first broke through my shield. My aunt (now a pastor) had talked about the movie, and that it had religious meaning. I was actually resilient to see it because of this, but it looked cool, so I watched anyway. I thought it was ten times better than LotR. I went out and got the books from my library, and read them in a straight shot. It had been the first time since I was little that I felt like I understood God as something more than just a scary man smiting people. I understood how He could be terrible and wonderful at the same time.
The other book was "A Travel Guide to Heaven" by Anthony Destefano. Just.... reading such a beautiful depiction of Heaven made me think of just how much God must love his people.
The third nudge was from Vic Mignogna, voice actor of Ed Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist. I only knew somewhat of Vic before we had a miniature con at my town library. My high school Anime Club was running the event, and all of the officers of the club are my best buds, so I wanted to visit and show my support for their ability in doing something so... ambitious.
He ended up being really cool. He got on stage and talked to the group, was extremely patient with the younger (screeching) girls, was EXTREMELY funny (he uses words like "dude" "psych" and "Sweet" XD), and was just... really nice. I could tell he was really, really genuine.
So some of his CD's were on sale at the event, and my friend Goose and I pooled our funds and bought all three. We listened to one in Goose's car on the way back, and we were surprised to find some religious songs on there. Really good ones. o.o We googled it, and found out he was very religious.
Finding out this amazingly cool, talented guy could like anime so much and still be so faithful to God... It was such a huge push... I thought liking anime was a sin somehow. I think this was from reading some kind of Christian teen magazine; it gave off the impression that watching anime was blasphemous. o.o; I just thought, "Geez, these Christians are so stuffy."
Having that notion shattered... I felt like, "Well, let's see how it goes."
The moment I thought it my head, "I think I've come back from my straying, God," I felt... soooo much better. It was the strangest sudden euphoria I've ever experienced.
And then I found this place!
I have a lot to relearn, and I still feel longing for certain pagan aspects now and then, but then I remember how awesome God is, and that longing is totalled.
I like detailing this so much because I feel that I am not alone in making this kind of recovery from such a big mistake. I hope that my story can help others.