Sacrifice - Dystopian futuristic short-story

[Godly Paladin]

PG, I believe, although it's cut down from the original R version so I guess there's a tiny chance I might have left something in that I shouldn't have. I understand that it's hard to ask people to read this much 'just because', much less get feedback, so I'll at least offer a summary to whet your interest, perhaps.

The main character is one of the last conscious humans on the face of the Earth after a massive corporation releases a Drug that allows its users to enter a state of hibernation and live out fantasies. The story is about the night and the choice that defines his existence and creates a spark of hope for a rebuilt future.

Attached in several formats to coax you into giving it a shot. It's one of the best, most concise works I've created, so I'd appreciate it if you look it over.

Thanks.

[Godly Paladin]

Wow, zero views. I know it doesn't suck because of feedback from other forums; it's sort of surprising that no one here would even look. :/

[Esoteric]

It's not your story. For some mysterious reason, sci-fi stories wither and die in this forum (I posted one a while back and nobody read it either.) I'm glad you bumped this, however, because it somehow escaped my notice before...

It's extremely well written and polished. As far as criticisms, there were one or two instances where the sarcasm felt overly trite, and having him unload a clip at the delivery truck seemed alittle childish. But your style is very visually engaging with excellent comparisons which are descriptive, yet brief enough not to interrupt sentence flow. Good emotion and inner dialog as well.
Is it me, or do most sci-fi short stories tend to have sad endings? I really enjoyed reading it. Keep writing!

[Godly Paladin]

You're right about the delivery truck. Thanks for pointing that out. If there was cliche/trite in there then it was my attempt to do a bit of classic noir homage.

I think there must be a rule somewhere about sad endings.

(Wow, impressive artwork on your website, esp. the detail in the graphite drawings!)

EDIT: Looked around for your story but didn't find it (now that I see more of your posts I think you're the one person who's commented on the things I've submitted here; you must've changed your avatar because I didn't recognize you at first). Did it get buried?

[Esoteric]

You're right about the delivery truck. Thanks for pointing that out. If there was cliche/trite in there then it was my attempt to do a bit of classic noir homage.

Ah yes, good ol' noir. I should reread the story--I'm a speed reader by nature which comes in handy, but also means I can miss subtleties. If I get a chance tomorrow, I'll go over it again more slowly for a second impression.

(Wow, impressive artwork on your website, esp. the detail in the graphite drawings!)

Thanks. I suppose I'm a better at art than writing, but it doesn't stop me from trying to write stuff now and then. I really like sci-fi, but it's not my strongest genre, so I don't write much of it.
[quote]
EDIT: Looked around for your story but didn't find it (now that I see more of your posts I think you're the one person who's commented on the things I've submitted here]
Heh, yeah I change my avatar about every two months (bad habit, I know).
If you feel so inclined, you can read my story here:
http://www.wbepic.com/causality/page1.html

I only ever got three people to read it (two really liked it and one thought it was terrible.) It starts a little slow, but don't worry, it picks up. It may also have a few grammar errors.

[Godly Paladin]

I'll check it out after school. It's named 'causality', so it can't be that bad.

[Esoteric]

I just reread it. Yeah the 'trite sarcasm' didn't stand out so badly this time, but I did catch a few other things:

...but the only things in the world who knew...
Since this is the opening sentence, you want it to read extra smooth. I realize robots aren't people, but to say 'a thing knows' just sounds...funny. You might consider rewording the sentence to avoid this dilemma or just say 'ones' in spite of the fact their robots. People tend to personify such things to a certain extent anyway.

He tapped his finger on the gouged bartop... Adding 'top' or 'counter' might be a good idea. When I first read this, I thought you meant an actual iron bar.

Page three, second paragraph, a typo:
Who would known that he had ever been alive?

Awkward + typo:
The Enforcer grunted at even the relatively light super mag when he raised to up to the comatose man's head.

heh, I do this too:
Once the Enforcer's steps had receded far enough, Wesley carefully opened one eye once the Enforcer's steps had receded far enough.

Those were the only major things I notice. Even the second time around...the ending darn near brought tears to my eyes.

[Godly Paladin]

Thanks for the edits; I've worked them in.

I read your story; I like your writing style, esp. in the first scene. It's the way I aspire to write, so I'm a little unsure of whether or not I 'get' to offer commentary. Anyway, I'll give it a shot. The core plot was good, which makes me a little unsure of why it was rushed. It seemed good enough to me to merit a bit more space, because those eight pages or so were pretty breezy. So yeah - it was a cool concept and I don't have anything to say except that it deserves to be longer.

[Esoteric]

I read your story]
Wow, that's very flattering. I've never thought very much of my writing style. Thanks!

The core plot was good, which makes me a little unsure of why it was rushed. It seemed good enough to me to merit a bit more space, because those eight pages or so were pretty breezy. So yeah - it was a cool concept and I don't have anything to say except that it deserves to be longer.

It's curious that you detected the rush. I wrote it in my spare hours over the course of three weeks. At the time, I didn't want to bog it down with any 'unneeded fluff', but you're right, perhaps it's too bare-boned. I got discouraged after that poor review from someone who's opinion I respected and basically gave up on it. But the handful of favorable reviews since have been encouraging so, perhaps I'll pick it up again sometime.
Anyway, thanks for reading it! If you ever need an honest critique on something, drop me a line.

[Fish and Chips]

Wow, zero views. I know it doesn't suck because of feedback from other forums; it's sort of surprising that no one here would even look. :/

The Writing Subforum doesn't get enough love. There maybe four of us down here. Tops.

[the_wolfs_howl]

I've just finished reading your story. I'd seen it in this forum, and I was teetering on the brink of reading it, just to see what all the "dystopian" stuff was about, but I never really got around to doing it until a certain someone who's read this story recommended it to me (I won't mention any names, because I'm SO not being obvious already ). I'm only sorry I hadn't decided to look at this before now!

I really liked the story. Other than just liking tragic sci-fi (I happen to be one of the two other people who liked Eso's "Causality" ), I thought the story was extremely well-written. I really like Wesley's character. He's by no means perfect or goody-goody (if anything he's rather cynical and unpleasant), but he ends up being a hero, and you make this all very believable and in-character and everything. And all the thoughts and descriptions.... Wow, I wish I could write like that. I also thought you wrote tension very well; I almost hit my brother when he interrupted me at the car chase And while I didn't literally cry at the ending, my chest got all tight from its beautiful simplicity.

This story reminds me of a movie I saw a while back. Have either of you seen the movie Artificial Intelligence? It has the same sort of sad sci-fi feeling to it.

Anyway, you inspire me, Godly Paladin! ^_^

[Godly Paladin]

Hey, my power goes out for two days and when I come back, more feedback! Apple cider all 'round! Thanks for commenting on how it made you feel, Wolf, as that's my #1 priority in writing these things and I'm still struggling to pin down what appeals to people's emotions and how to present such things. I really appreciate your taking the time to read it. Do you mean the AI with the Sixth Sense kid? Never have, no, but it's on my to-watch list eventually.

It's curious that you detected the rush. I wrote it in my spare hours over the course of three weeks. At the time, I didn't want to bog it down with any 'unneeded fluff', but you're right, perhaps it's too bare-boned. I got discouraged after that poor review from someone who's opinion I respected and basically gave up on it. But the handful of favorable reviews since have been encouraging so, perhaps I'll pick it up again sometime. Anyway, thanks for reading it! If you ever need an honest critique on something, drop me a line.

Good grief, yes - if you're so inclined you should give it another shot and beef it out. And I will of course be happy to read anything you throw my way.

The Writing Subforum doesn't get enough love. There maybe four of us down here. Tops.

Wow, that's surprising. I would've thought than all the anime fanfiction would build a bigger writing contingent. That's too bad, because digging around makes me think that there's some good stuff to be read here.

[Fish and Chips]

Wow, that's surprising. I would've thought than all the anime fanfiction would build a bigger writing contingent. That's too bad, because digging around makes me think that there's some good stuff to be read here.

It's more a lack of readers than reading material.

[Esoteric]

It's more a lack of readers than reading material.

Agreed, although I might amend it to 'serious' readers. The majority of readers (and writers too) here are very 'casual' and prefer simply to be entertained by a work rather than analyze it's quality. I respond to stuff which catches my interest, but even a lot of the good stories fizzle out after two or three posts when the writer gets too busy, or bored.
I often think it would be cool to have a little writer's circle where everyone is dedicated to writing and giving feedback. But then I remember how busy I usually am and probably wouldn't be able to write very much for such a group.
Maybe some day though...

[Godly Paladin]

I've always wanted to be part of a writer's club...

[the_wolfs_howl]

Ooh, yeah, that'd be fun.... Sort of like Tolkien's little group. I'm sure we all have busy lives, but we could tell each other when we do write something new

[Esoteric]

Ah yes, the infamous 'Inklings'. Oh, to have attended one of their meetings...

Well, I certainly wouldn't be opposed to an 'official unofficial' like-minded writers' circle, so long as we didn't have to be highly productive. Something every six months or so I might be able to handle....

[Godly Paladin]

I could do that.

[Esoteric]

Well okay then, I'm willing to give it a try, and Wolf probably is too, although I'll have to ask her. Do you think we should create an 'open invitation' thread? I'm not really sure how many serious participants we would get, especially with something so long term (the first round of stories probably wouldn't be due until June). But I guess we might get some.

[Fish and Chips]

I'm game.

[Godly Paladin]

Invitation would probably work better, IMO. Anyway, is six months fine or should we make it shorter? I mean, if we said three months or something then it would probably motivate me to get on it. Or should we just submit things as we go? And what length are we talking about, or is it freeform?

So many things to discuss, haha.

[Esoteric]

I'm game.

Awesome, glad to have you aboard! Feel free to chime in with your thoughts on the arrangement.

Invitation would probably work better, IMO. Anyway, is six months fine or should we make it shorter? I mean, if we said three months or something then it would probably motivate me to get on it. Or should we just submit things as we go? And what length are we talking about, or is it freeform?

Good thoughts. There's only one problem with people just submitting whenever they finish]own[/I] goals and announce them to the group, this typically works. So, if you set a three month goal for yourself, and I set a six month goal, everyone will know when to start bug...err, asking each person if they're done. It would also help stagger works to be critiqued.

As for length, well IMO it would depend on the amount of time/individual's goal. I don't know that we should really set length limits, although if I announced I was going to take six months to write a haiku, you guys would certainly have cause to razz me about my goal. ;D

Thoughts? Opinions? One thing I'm still not sure of is how we would best submit our stuff to the group. Yes there's CAA, but it's possible that not everyone would want their project viewable by the general public--especially if they are working on something they may hope to publish someday, as this can create problems.
But I suppose we could just leave this for each individual to figure out on their own....

[the_wolfs_howl]

Hmm, well these are just my suggestions.

I think it would be a good idea to limit who would be in our "official unofficial" writer's group. Not because we need to be superior to the masses, but because we'd only want people who are actually serious about contributing and doing their best.

As for what we'd write, I think it would be interesting to try giving ourselves some kind of deadline, to see if that's possible (if we decide we can't do it, we could always resort to just producing bits of writing when we do them). Maybe for the first time, we could set a three-month deadline to write a short story? And maybe we could come up with some kind of prompt to start us off, like...I don't know, "starlight" or something *denies the suggestion that this idea came from staring listlessly at the Christmas tree*

Anyway, those are my ideas.

[Godly Paladin]

I think it would be a good idea to limit who would be in our "official unofficial" writer's group. Not because we need to be superior to the masses, but because we'd only want people who are actually serious about contributing and doing their best.

That was exactly what I was thinking, Howl.

So basically no limits on length, but deadlines to keep us motivated sound like the way to go. It would actually be fun if we all released at the same time, IMO - it would be like a party every few months.

You're right, Esoteric, about how to release. Most of my stuff I don't have a problem with putting out to the public, but if somebody had a passworded server then we could use the CAA forum to communicate with links to our works. I assume most of you, though, are against making things too complicated.

I'm pumped about this and I'd love to see this actually happen. Let's keep discussing, guys.

[the_wolfs_howl]

So...I suppose it's probably too early to come up with a name, right?

[Fish and Chips]

I "Publish" all my writing on DeviantArt under the Creative Commons licence, which gives me the freedom to share my work publically without the risk of it being stolen. Good move.

[Godly Paladin]

If necessary I can throw together a small site for this with server space for our docs.

[Esoteric]

I think it would be a good idea to limit who would be in our "official unofficial" writer's group. Not because we need to be superior to the masses, but because we'd only want people who are actually serious about contributing and doing their best.

True, and it will be easier to keep in touch if the group stays small. Okay, so it's basically the four of us then, and maybe more in the future if we find others who are serious about participating.

As for what we'd write, I think it would be interesting to try giving ourselves some kind of deadline, to see if that's possible (if we decide we can't do it, we could always resort to just producing bits of writing when we do them). Maybe for the first time, we could set a three-month deadline to write a short story?

So basically no limits on length, but deadlines to keep us motivated sound like the way to go. It would actually be fun if we all released at the same time, IMO - it would be like a party every few months.

The three month deadline seems awfully popular. Aw heck, what's another deadline breathing down my neck? *exhales deeply and crosses fingers* Okay, I'll try my best to write something decent in the next three months. March 31st then?

And maybe we could come up with some kind of prompt to start us off, like...I don't know, "starlight" or something *denies the suggestion that this idea came from staring listlessly at the Christmas tree*

Prompt? Do you mean like a theme? Ehh, I dunno. Themes are good exercises, yes, but they can also be rather inhibiting. If we each already have a story in mind, then we shouldn't need a prompt.

I "Publish" all my writing on DeviantArt under the Creative Commons licence, which gives me the freedom to share my work publically without the risk of it being stolen. Good move.

Yes, a very good move, but theft wasn't actually the chief concern I had in mind. Publishers of printed materials are extremely reluctant to consider any submissions which have been made publicly available on the web, because as such, works are already considered 'published'.
But yeah, I say the importance of this issue lies solely with each individual in the group. So if I decided I want something I wrote to be password protected, it would be my job to figure that out, etc.

So...I suppose it's probably too early to come up with a name, right?

It depends. What did you have in mind?

[Godly Paladin]

I was thinking "The Inkhearts".

[the_wolfs_howl]

The three month deadline seems awfully popular. Aw heck, what's another deadline breathing down my neck? *exhales deeply and crosses fingers* Okay, I'll try my best to write something decent in the next three months. March 31st then?

>< I know what you mean. But with three other people expecting a story at a certain date, maybe we'll get our rear ends into gear, eh?
March 31st sounds good to me. On that day, we'll all be obligated to show what we've done, like the parable of the talents

Prompt? Do you mean like a theme? Ehh, I dunno. Themes are good exercises, yes, but they can also be rather inhibiting. If we each already have a story in mind, then we shouldn't need a prompt.

Okay, it was just a thought. I think it might be interesting just to see how four people with different writing styles and thought processes would take the same theme or word or whatever and go off in different directions with it.

:lol: It depends. What did you have in mind?

The Dancing Bananas! Lol, no, I didn't really have anything specific in mind. We should probably wait until we can come up with a name that really defines us, on second thought.