What is romantic love?

[minakichan]

What is love?
What is free love?
What is love?
Love is free.

I am 18 years old and I have never experienced romantic love for another person (attractions and crushes don't count) simply because it is an illogical and fallacious concept in my mind. I can understand God's love and family love-- these have basis and evidence in real life!, but the love between a man and a woman is incomprehensible to me.

In a country with a 50% divorce rate, where 5-10% of Fathers' Day cards are sent to the wrong person, and dating follows a set procedure (ask for a date, go have dinner (guy pays), kiss on the third date, hit a homer within 6 months, develop irreconcilable differences, break up in anger), does romantic love even exist? The most naive say "I will know it when I have found my soulmate," yet they can say it again and again, after multiple partners, or they truly believe it until they change their minds or get hurt. The unfortunate who are dumped or break up with "the person they love" are told to get over it, as if that love was not genuine and untouchable in the first place. Widows who had great rapport with their spouses can still get over it an fall in love again, freed from their vows after death, as if death kills otherwise pure love. Romantic love seems to ebb and flow like the tide, not something eternal or unconditional at all.

Also, if we believe that love is only between ONE man and ONE woman, then what are the chances of romantic love in the first place? You have to find that ONE person who you love romantically above others, and once you're hooked up, you certainly can't "fall in love" with another person who is better suited to you even if you make the mistake. That's 6 billion people to choose from! (OK, 3 million, considering that you aren't bisexual.) Those chances are astronomical!

I can understand enjoying another's company, wanting to spend the rest of one's life with another person, and being willing to die for another person's sake. That alone is not romance. I can also understand wanting to have passionate sexual intimacy with another person. That alone is not romance. Yet romance seems to combine the two in a very small and well-defined intersection that seems pretty inaccessible to the general population.

I've been called a naive idealist because I long to see pure romantic love, not the silly stuff of fairly tales, but just something that is simply proven and lasting, and yet different from "non-romantic" love. Because I can't see it, I don't think I can have a "romantic" relationship with another person-- not something that will destroy my life, but it is a little saddening to me.

What is romantic love? What are your thoughts? Have you ever seen what you believe is true romantic love? (Am I thinking too much into this?)

[ChristianKitsune]

Wow... I kinda agree with what you are saying!

I myself, haven't ever experienced this (maybe a blessing? ._.? ) and to be honest, I am not sure I ever will... XD but that's for a nother topic.

It's almost scary to even want to get involved with another person... because who knows how long it will really last? I mean the whole idea sounds great! But...gosh it seems almost fleeting... :/

The Divorce rate is SCARY high. it's like..people change partners almost as much as they change...their clothes everyday...

I dunno...you have some very good points that require a bit of thought.

I know that God has who we are supposed to marry planned for us...and I guess it's up to us to save ourselves for that person...that way, at least, you can come close to real love...or something?

[Nate]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=meNpjfKY9gc&feature=related

[PrincessZelda]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=meNpjfKY9gc&feature=related

XD

[Puguni]

It takes a lot of soul searching, I figure, but I don't feel as if God is making it terribly hard for you to find some just for you. He's not going to put your fiance in Anartica and expect you to go there and find him, unless you travel a lot anyway. I know He is going to help, at least.

I'm around the same age as you, and I feel the very same uncertainties, but I've decided to just let things flow. I'll go on with my life, maybe pining time to time, but willing to wait for THE perfect person, because it's worth it. I never want a divorce! Ever! I don't believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in true love. In a fast paced society, we want results NOW, we want everything NOW. Love is much too complicated to treat it so simply.

Love has a lot to do with faith, not only in God, but in people. I think it's unfair to generalize romantic love as you have, especially since you claim not to know what it is. Every serious relationship is significant. Sure, you are told to get over it, but the person will always hold some place in your heart.

We all have doubts, but you seem to dismiss the idea overall, jaded by depressing statistics and I can only assume, personal experiences. Yes, absolute true romance is unimaginable to those who have never experienced it, but you still need to hope and believe and pray. God really just does what He wants.

---------------------------------

I disagree with this:

Widows who had great rapport with their spouses can still get over it an fall in love again, freed from their vows after death, as if death kills otherwise pure love. Romantic love seems to ebb and flow like the tide, not something eternal or unconditional at all.

I don't think that people just "get over" spousal deaths if they were close and loving. It's very possible to love your dead spouse and have love for your new one as well. However, I highly doubt it will be the same love; a new spouse doesn't replace the old one, not by a long shot (Or at least it shouldn't).

I think there's a movie coming up about this topic.

[minakichan]

It takes a lot of soul searching, I figure, but I don't feel as if God is making it terribly hard for you to find some just for you. He's not going to put your fiance in Anartica and expect you to go there and find him, unless you travel a lot anyway.

XD Hm, OK. I figure that I'm not even going to try, or to take any initiative-- I've told my mother this, to expect me to be an old maid, and I think she was a bit disappointed. I don't really necessarily believe that I can find The Perfect Person-- there always might be someone better, right? Best not to make a decision until you know it's the absolute best, and you can never know that, therefore maybe it's best (for me) to never even try to find love. I'm a career woman! (OK, no, not really.)

I just feel jaded and tired, I suppose, of people saying how wonderful love is, yet never seeing any proof of it (and especially of teenagers having premarital out of "true love," then breaking up and not even bothering to notice the sheer lack of logic of it all. Shoujo smut manga both fascinates and depresses me). And I would only want romantic love if it fit my perfect ideal-- eternal, unconditional, and one that has no room for any other romantic love; otherwise, I can easily do without.

In hindsight, I feel like my post might have offended you or someone else, in which case I apologize. It was not meant to be offensive.

[ClosetOtaku]

Give it some time.

There are far too many people who have been chasing after the fallacy of "romantic love".

It is very true that two people who are attracted to each other and fall "in love" will remain in that state for the rest of their lives. It is also very rare.

So, like El Dorado or the Fountain of Youth or a satisfying Free Lunch, a lot of people will spend their lives and fortunes seeking, but never finding, romantic love.

I think we all are designed to seek romantic love, although like many other types and shadows, it is a God-given desire to seek Him that is at its core, not some advanced biological urge to reproduce in a blissful state.

Interestingly, in socieities where arranged marriages are the norm, the rate of divorce is much lower than that where partners are allowed to choose their mate. Societal pressures may be involved, but studies suggest that the participants in arranged marriages are more content as well. Perhaps without the burden of striving for Romantic Love, the married couples are busier dealing with Real Life.

Finally, you should feel under no pressure to find that Romantic Love -- Paul himself says "I wish all men were like myself [e.g. single]", and it may be that you are particularly gifted to remain in that state for the rest of your life. Consider it a very valuable gift rather than a curse. Alternatively, you may someday find an opposite-sex best friend in whom you can trust and confide, and say, "I choose to commit myself to a life of being with this person, for better or worse, because on the whole it would be better to do that than be without them". Perhaps it will come in time -- but don't judge yourself by the yardstick of your peers, that's a poor measurement standard.

[LadyRushia]

Personally, I'm leaving my love life in God's hands. If He wants me to get married, then He'll make it happen. If not, then fine, that's His will. It sounds simple enough, but I think just trusting God with the whole matter is better than freaking out because you haven't found anyone. When the time comes, He will bring you and your spouse together if that's His will.

[minakichan]

So, like El Dorado or the Fountain of Youth or a satisfying Free Lunch, a lot of people will spend their lives and fortunes seeking, but never finding, romantic love.

Hey, my college has like a tradition of satisfying Free Lunches. The free food is better than the cafeteria food XD

Like I said, I'm NOT seeking. I'm just curious and I don't understand it-- what compels two people to come together and join in whatever somethingorother. As a kid (you know, during and slightly after the cooties phase), I always said "I'm never going to get married!" and adults and children alike said "You'll grow out of it; I bet you're not going to think that way when you grow up," and here I am, legally an adult, and I have the same mindset that I did as a child (except that now I can truly appreciate good-looking men. But that's not love).

[ninjaduckofdoom]

XD Hm, OK. I figure that I'm not even going to try, or to take any initiative-- I've told my mother this, to expect me to be an old maid, and I think she was a bit disappointed. I don't really necessarily believe that I can find The Perfect Person-- there always might be someone better, right? Best not to make a decision until you know it's the absolute best, and you can never know that, therefore maybe it's best (for me) to never even try to find love. I'm a career woman! (OK, no, not really.)

I just feel jaded and tired, I suppose, of people saying how wonderful love is, yet never seeing any proof of it (and especially of teenagers having premarital out of "true love," then breaking up and not even bothering to notice the sheer lack of logic of it all. Shoujo smut manga both fascinates and depresses me). And I would only want romantic love if it fit my perfect ideal-- eternal, unconditional, and one that has no room for any other romantic love; otherwise, I can easily do without.

As far as finding the "perfect" person -- you never will. I don't believe a "perfect" person for any of us exists. However, there are people we are more compatible with than others. In my mind when you choose to marry someone you are choosing them and "forsaking all others." When you marry someone you choose that person to be with the rest of your life. Even if someone supposedly "better" comes along. Marriage takes work, lots of work, and I think the reason there is such a high divorce rate in our country right now is because people have lost sight of that and expect some unseen force to rule their commitment to someone. It's like, "Well, it I don't feel the same about them as I did, so that must mean I don't love them anymore and we shouldn't be together." I don't believe in "soul mates." Marriage is a commitment. Period. And yes, it should be with someone that you love...

Now that I've said all that, I have to say, I completely agree with what you said in your second paragraph. I often feel the same way. I look around and see people supposedly "in love" but I really don't see that it makes their life any more fulfilling than mine. Even in some cases it just complicates things. I'm perfectly happy right now where I am. I do want to get married someday but I often wonder how that will even work... I wonder sometimes what brings people together and why they even choose to get married. The only thing I can count on is God's provisions in that area. If He wants me to get married, okay, if not...well, I can be okay with that too. But I don't think that God would put the desire for marriage in someones heart and never allow them to get married.

Anyway, I hope that helps with how you've been feeling about these things.
If you want a new/different perspective on love, I would suggest reading C.S. Lewis' The Four Loves .

Your Sister in Christ - Demi

[Puguni]

I just feel jaded and tired, I suppose, of people saying how wonderful love is, yet never seeing any proof of it (and especially of teenagers having premarital out of "true love," then breaking up and not even bothering to notice the sheer lack of logic of it all. Shoujo smut manga both fascinates and depresses me). And I would only want romantic love if it fit my perfect ideal-- eternal, unconditional, and one that has no room for any other romantic love; otherwise, I can easily do without.

You never really know, which is why I try not to predict too much what's going to happen in my future. D: I'm happy the way I am now, but if God chooses to push me into another path, or finally does push some man in my way, I'm fine with that too.

Also, shoujo is the WORST thing to compare to real love, I think. It's just...BLAH. To me it's just some guilty indulgence, like soap operas.

For anyone to say, "if you really love me, you'll put out for me," is the most idiotic thing in the world. Then it was never a case of "true love," but rather physical, limited lust.

True love to me means that someone loves me for exactly who I am, with my faults and quirks and looks (or lack thereof), and who honestly would rather be with me more than anyone else. It's not something you find on a Friday night, or through any simple methods. If true love comes a dime a dozen, then it really wouldn't be that special in the first place.

[Ashley]

I believe in true love, because I believe I have found it. ^^

I don\'t think there is a \"perfect\" person out there, but I do believe it\'s possible to find someone who completes you, who compliments you, who shares your passions and your dreams and your goals, who makes you a better person and who pushes you to excellence.

Don\'t let your view of love be tainted by the world\'s disappointments; have faith and trust that God will bring you someone whom you can act out 1 Corinthians 13 with, or will give you peace about your singlehood so that in all things you may have life more abundant.

[kryptech]

I should begin by saying that I have no experience in these matters so I am looking at this realm as an outsider. Perhaps we could use insight from some married folks?

From a little reading in the dictionary, romance has the idea of being fanciful, idealistic, unpractical. (But perhaps popular culture's definition is a bit different?) I would view romantic love as seeing the best in the other person, and going out of one's way to say or do things to make the other person's life extra special. For guys I think this would be tired to chivalry, an skill that is fading quickly these days. So to me romantic love is a combination of self-sacrificing love (1 Cor. 13) and the feelings of deep affection.

Interestingly, in socieities where arranged marriages are the norm, the rate of divorce is much lower than that where partners are allowed to choose their mate. Societal pressures may be involved, but studies suggest that the participants in arranged marriages are more content as well. Perhaps without the burden of striving for Romantic Love, the married couples are busier dealing with Real Life.

I think that the couples in arranged marriages go in with the idea that the marriage has to work, and whether the motivations involved are positive or negative, this view forces couples to work through things and stick together. There is a line from a song by Don Francisco that goes "Love is not a feeling, it's an act of your will". There is truth to that. Feelings are horrendously fickle and it seems rather foolish to base a long-term commitment on current feelings. Love is self-sacrificing and patient, and committed to the other person's good. Of course happy marriages have to involve feelings too. But I don't think feelings are the thing that make marriages work long-term.

Romance (as I understand it) holds a certain interest to me. But like some of the other people have mentioned, the idea of trying to choose the right person and then making a life-long commitment to that person seems like an awful big step. Besides, there are certain elements to marriage that hold no interest to me and it seems very unlikely to find someone of similar views. So even if I come across a girl who seems interesting there is little point in trying to develop a relationship beyond acquaintance. Perhaps my views will change someday, but so far it appears rather unlikely.

[termyt]

XD Hm, OK. I figure that I'm not even going to try, or to take any initiative-- I've told my mother this, to expect me to be an old maid, and I think she was a bit disappointed. I don't really necessarily believe that I can find The Perfect Person-- there always might be someone better, right? Best not to make a decision until you know it's the absolute best, and you can never know that, therefore maybe it's best (for me) to never even try to find love. I'm a career woman! (OK, no, not really.)

This is basically my philosophy as well, but I am also content with being single my entire life. Many people aren't and that's the risk here. Not actively seeking means there's an excellent chance you will never find.

Romantic love is wonderful, but largely misunderstood in our culture. Most people mistake romance for attraction (attraction is part of romance, but not the whole thing!) which, as you correctly surmised, does not count as Romantic Love. The fact is attraction is something you just feel. Romantic Love implies a relationship. Relationships require a lot of work to be successful.

People change. Relationships change. You will not feel the same way about the person you love forever. (If you did, it would be a shame because your relationship would not grow). As your feelings change, your relationship needs to adjust. Many marriages fail because the two involved are not both committed to seeing these changes through.

I also do not subscribe to the notion that there is exactly one person who is right for me. There are probably thousands of women I could spend my entire life with happily and each of those girls could be happy with thousands of guys. It’s not about finding your perfect match – no one out there is perfect for you before you meet them. It’s about finding a compatible match and then both of you working to perfect that match together. It’s a life long process that is a lot of hard work (but the work is well worth it, I am told, and by the looks of those I know who have been married a long time, I am inclined to believe them).

The notion that there is exactly one match and it will be romantic bliss 24/7 365 days a year is a poison the is destroying our culture’s marriages. Arranged marriages, and marriages in our culture that last, do not tend to suffer this malady because there is no expectation of this pure wonderful love that just happens without having to work for it. They are in a marriage that is permanent, so they are content to work for it instead of jumping ship at any sign of trouble.

[mitsuki lover]

Love isn't something to be understood,love just happens.The most perfect picture of love is either a kitten on your lap or a puppy licking your face.
Love has to come unconditionally and unexpectedly.Love is also a bit jealous when it comes down to that.It has to be because it needs to guard itself from
the Outsiders who wish to break in and steal it from it's beloved.A good example of what I mean is Kimagure Orange Road.If you want to see what love is like watch Kimagure Orange Road.It might confuse you,then again
love is confusing and there are no rules.

[SolidÃ…rmor]

Romantic love is what WE as humans have put a label on what God intended to be a more pure thing between a man and a woman. It's a means to ensure that there is a "chemical and physical attraction" for someone you take a fancy too. Romantic love is a means of looking for a mate...not a partner. Only animals have mates and there's no romance with rabbits.

Not to mention that the relationship that God intended for man and his partner (notice I did not say mate) is for spiritual growth not only between the two genders but with God as well.

The closer a man and woman get to God in their relationship the closer they get to each other. That is love in it's purest sense. Plus, it's a man's role in a relationship to be the spiritual guide for his partner/wife, if he isn't that's when problems come about. And I bet you that 90% of the 50% of divorces in the US are because God wasn't a presence in those relationships. God wants us to be happy, He wants us to have relationships with someone that not only completes us, but also knows what God has to be a part of that relationship. If He didn't, then I want my rib back.

At least that's how I see it. I can say that because I've had a few relationships....and no God wasn't a part of them and they all ended the same way.

[Gabriel 9.0]

I myself have never had a gf but no longer worry about that sort of thing since it just wastes on the current task at hand. I feel its best to let God lead us all to our future signifigent others. That way we won't be heartbroken etc.