Aegis Emblem

[~darkelfgirl~]

Well, I don't even know what's going to happen next myself...It comes in the middle of some boring class in the middle of a boring assignment. Keep guessing--it's encouraging ^^

[Anna Mae]

How did you choose the name Shona?

Etched on his carefully sculpted face were calm and peace.

I'd use calmness.

I gazed up into the round mosaic, a snowflake-like design in the middle.

I suggest revising your sentence structure here.

The Lord Aegis gazed at us, white eyes unwavering and a warm smile upon his face.

I think you should flip the parts about the eyes and the smile. I can't remember the specific reason why, but I think it's supposed to be that way...

Shona’s hair floated and danced, as if in water.

Nice touch.

his voice emanated a strong power.

*nabs thesaurus and hides it* You should say his voice emanated with power. *reluctantly pulls thesaurus back out* If you want an adjective for power, try something more potent, such as breathtaking.

Good plot developments.

Aw, I want Blanc to be a good guy.

What more could this place have when there’s only three of us?

Oh. I was under the impression that there were lots of Aegi... Are they the only three in existence?

I could get lost in this place.
A harsh realization hit me.
I don’t know the way back! I thought in panic.

I know what you mean, but it comes across awkwardly. I might write:
I could get lost in this place.
This thought halted me in my tracks.
I don't know the way back!

I was totally expecting the letter to be Blanc's. Interesting development.

My heart burned and my mind was flooded with questions and concerns.The strongest of these broke free.

Interesting juxtaposition of fire and water. Oh, and this is a nice pair of sentences.

I had the desire to disobey him, but his voice brought me to my senses. I clenched my fists and sat down.

This sequence felt unrealistic. I do agree that he sits down, but angered people are not brought to their senses so easily; plus, the clenched fists indicate that Arden isn't completely cool-headed. I would leave Hawthorne and Arden's actions the same, but change Arden's reason.

“He murdered my wife. My daughter was fortunate enough to have been spared.”

For once, I recommend not using passive voice here. Did the Specter himself spare her, or is Hawthorne generally saying that she was not killed because she was gone/was hiding/God saved her/etc.?
Even if Arden doesn't visit his family, wouldn't the Specter already know who they are anyway? Plus, couldn't the Specter easily track mail?

The story feels a bit disjointed because the scenes don't flow from one to the other, but jump from--so is my impression--middle of scene to middle of scene.

swimming to the surface. When I broke the surface,

redundant

or at least float.”
Laughing, I waded to keep myself afloat.

redundant

It started to turn black, as if an ink-bottle spilled its contents into it.

Good imagery. Question: From where is the blackness spreading?

Awake from the dream, I nearly died from surprise and embarrassment.

I do not understand his reaction.

Have you read the Wheel of Time series (the one written by Robert Jordan, who died just the other day)? The way the dreams exist in Arden's world remind me of Jordan's usage.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Thanks Anna!

XD Redundant, redundant.

Shona? My sister's friend's username is Shona. I found it so catchy, I had to use it. ^^

Blanc is a good guy! He's a bit arrogant and taciturn, but he's on the good side. No Anakinism for him (hehe, Star Wars allusion ^^).

That question about only 3 Aegi stunned me for days. I...I think they're only three (well, there's technically four because of the Specter...well, no..well, I can't explain now).

The Specter spared Hawthorne's daughter--probably because he wanted to leave an effect of pain and fear on Hawthorne (pain, because his daughter is now frightened from her encounter, and fear, because he keeps worrying if the Specter will decide to kill her to hurt him).

The Specter wouldn't exactly know who Arden's family is, because Arden was Awakened after he left his family. Yes, I know that he saw Vera in the woods when they were saved by Alandar, but he had no idea that Arden would be an Aegis in the future. You might be thinking that Alandar might have...but the future updates will explain or disprove that thought...
Hmm, I never thought about the mail tracking...I know how to fix that.

Hehe, I don't like to describe how the characters get to a next scene (a fault of mine) so I transition from scene to scene.
The final draft of Aegis might be structural different from this current draft...the story'll be the same, but I'll add some more descriptions, correct the transitions, and any other things I think it needs.

The blackness is spreading from underwater, because the twins are causing it (in the dream).

I should move that reaction to after Arden wakes to see Tayli and Blanc over him...he's embarassed and surprised that they are there.

Wheel of Time? I've heard about it and read the summaries, but never actually read the books. The series' storyline seems interesting, but it never clicked my curiosity (no offense to Robert Jordan). Maybe I will one of these days ^^

[Anna Mae]

Well, the thing about Wheel of Time is that the pacing is incredibly slow. My brother skipped a book (you know, about 800 pages) in the middle of the series and wasn't very disoriented when he picked up the next book, if that gives you an idea. Plus, there are, what, 12 books by now?

[~darkelfgirl~]

Hehe, yeah, I know! I read the review, and when I saw how many books were in the series that kinda turned me off. I dunno, I'll probably try the first book and see how it goes.

Hmm, I haven't updated in like..two weeks? Sheesh.

[~darkelfgirl~]

I apologize that the updates are taking a while. Just wanted to let whoever reads this know that I haven't abandoned the story. Just waiting for some "storms" to clear.

[USSRGirl]

*Waits in eager anticipation* That's okay, Elfy. The legions of rabid Blanc fangirls probably aren't going to maul you for at least another week if you don't update.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Whoo. It's been a month, I think? Well, I'm back with some more updates--this next week may be loaded with updates since today was a day off for me (and so is next Friday). I'm trying not to let the storyline run away--I'm trying to slow it down. This past month has been filled with emotional ups and downs and twists and turns. Some days I didn't want to look at my Aegis notebook and other days I wanted to, but I didn't have the time. Sorry for the long side-note, hehe ^^'.

[font=Times New Roman][size=100][color=seagreen]“Waah?â€

[LadyRushia]

Muy interesante, El-fay.

Straightening up, Tayli smiled warmly

Is she the one straightening up?

[quote]“In order to make sacrifices, one must reject themselves,â€

[~darkelfgirl~]

Hehe, thanks Rushia-chan.

I was questioning that last sentence you mentioned. I had thought of "she barely whispered" but that sounds like she said it out loud...

[USSRGirl]

Yay an update! Oooh the Specter's new powers are interesting. Would come in handy for any evil tyrant if I do say so myself. ^__^ I wonder what's wrong with Tayli though? O.O Does she have geostigma or something?!!! Eeep.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Of course, enemy in law. Of course, hehe.

Geostigma? Speaking of that, I wonder what happened to the meteor made those people in Peru sick. I thought we were experiencing Final Fantasy 7 deja vu. I don't know whether to be disappointed or happy.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Ok, so I listened to Evanescence for two whole weeks (and replayed my absolutely favorite song "Going Under" a billion times) while thinking about this story. I am so confused on where to carry this story at the moment, but God is the Giver of inspiration, isn't he? So I'll just leave it to him ^ ^

Later: I had to separate this into paragraphs because it looked like an *gulp* epic poem *shudders from the memory of Beowulf*

Two, feeble golden rays stretched across the twilit sky, signaling the advent of sunrise.

Face and hair damp with cold sweat, I sprinted across the courtyard, my footsteps and panting breaking the silence.

“Mahira!”

My surrounding became a blur as I sped toward an imaginary enemy. I mercilessly spun and slashed at my invisible foe, then spotted another nearby. I was relentless, defeating all who stood against me.
My lungs burned from the exercise, but my body was ache-less and felt light. Adrenaline surging through my veins, I held my breath and changed into a falcon, gaining altitude at a rapid speed, and then descending, changing back to human form.

Aukiriva raised, I slashed down at the enemy, my feet poised to hit the floor…

Clang! Thud.

Oh, Ow!

The wind knocked out of me, my face hit the tile floor.

Eyes closed, I lay flat in pain, moaning and whimpering.

“Very graceful. I give it a ten,” someone laughed in sarcasm. “Isn’t this a bit too early, Arden?”

The thud of slow footsteps approached me. I squinted. A long fingered hand was outstretched towards me, offering assistance. I painfully reached out and grasped it, pulling myself to my feet.

“Thanks,” I said wearily, dusting off my cloak. I avoided Blanc’s eyes. He picked Aukiriva off the floor and handed it to me.

Reaching for the hilt of Nadith beneath his cloak, he asked, “May I?”

Reluctantly, I replied, “Sure.”

Withdrawing and brandishing his sword, he said,

“It is easy to let your worries get in the way of your duty. I am guilty of that also.”

I observed as he spun the sword in his right hand, sporadically changing directions.

He suddenly ceased, muttering, “Give me your best shot.”

At first, I stared puzzled at him, but then I tightened my grip on Aukiriva. “Ok,” I replied.

I cautiously took a few steps backward. Waiting, he carelessly stood with his sword in one hand at his side.

I took a deep breath.

Running towards him, I yelled, my skin prickling from the chill that rushed through me.

I slashed continuously at him while he casually parried each attack, backing away. Without warning, he changed into a falcon, rising into the air.

In surprise, I followed suit.

“Just making things a bit interesting, is all,” he said.

I pursued him across the gold and red-tinged sky, Fallienne the size of my hand below us.

He turned to my direction, fluttering in midair. I glided after him, claws poised…

Our claws grappled each other; entangled, we spun, trying to break free.

When we finally disconnected, Blanc was thrown in one direction and I in the opposite. With a laugh, Blanc changed into human form, plummeting below.

Wha—What’s he trying….is he mad?

With determination, I followed after him.

“Mahira!” I said, zooming down towards him, and then turning human.

Falling, we fought in midair, the air rushing through our hair and cloaks. The ground quickly approached.

“Falcon form!” shouted Blanc.

We switched, regaining an upright position; our wings slowed our speed as we flapped. When we were near the ground, we regained human form.

To my glee, my feet hit the ground and I kept balance.

Finally!

“Try performing that at high speeds,” Blanc said coolly in my direction.

Lungs burning, I threw myself onto the ground panting.

A squeak and a flutter of wings.

Alert, we looked towards the direction of the noise. In the colors of the dawn, a falcon approached us.

“Who is that!?”

Its feathers were gray and white.

It can’t be Hawthorne…

“It’s not an Aegis,” Blanc replied in humor. “You didn’t sense it coming, did you?”

He outstretched his hand, and the bird perched upon it. Tied with a leather strap onto one of its legs was a rolled piece of parchment.
The falcon squawked, pecking at it.

“Hold on, I’ll get it,” Blanc softly reassured it. He loosened the leather strapped note from the falcon’s leg and handed it to me.

Rolling it open, my mind swam in curiosity. I read,

“Guardians of the Great Lord Aegis,

I give fair tidings from the newly united villages of Iraein. I am Alpheus, newly appointed ruler of this state. This drastic decision was made due to the rising chaos caused by the Enemy. Unification under one rule guarantees a safer society, does it not? I wrote this letter as a request—a request of your presence as soon as possible in the capital, the village, Serra. There are things of the uttermost importance to discuss.

--Alpheus, Ruler of Iraein.”

Blanc and I exchanged mixed looks of shock and confusion.
[font="]
“Serra is…my village…” I whispered, my voice quivering.[/font]

[LadyRushia]

My surrounding became a blur as I sped toward an imaginary enemy.

Surroundings.

A long fingered hand was outstretched towards me, offering assistance.

You're American, so it's "toward."

This section flowed better than the last one; I think that had to do with the sentence structure. Keep it up,

~Rushia

[~darkelfgirl~]

Whoa--if you weren't my friend that "You're American" would have stunned me XD
By the way, I grew up in a British commonwealth country, so that's the reason I spelled it that way, Lady (still adapting). Hehe, don't worry, I'm not offended ^__^

Thanks for the tips.

[LadyRushia]

Whoa--if you weren't my friend that "You're American" would have stunned me XD
By the way, I grew up in a British commonwealth country, so that's the reason I spelled it that way, Lady (still adapting). Hehe, don't worry, I'm not offended ^__^

Thanks for the tips.

OMIGOSH I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THAT! In that case, don't even worry about the spelling thing. It's just that a lot of Americans use "towards" when they shouldn't.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Hehe, that's Ok, Oh Keeper of the Happy Cake. Do you mind making some for my club's bake sale XD?

The sentence structure was better this time because I wasn't writing torturous essays last week! Speaking of torturous essays *thinks of college app essays* Dang! And you thought you could escape for a while...

P.S. Where's the spoilers you asked me if I wanted? You know, the one for your story in-the-making?

[USSRGirl]

XD *watches the entertaining grammar confusion and mounting drama* Towards is the correct spelling actually... Americans are just Brits with notoriously poor English. XP

Anyway, I agree - this section felt a lot smoother and more poetic to me (Beowulf influence?). I love your opening sentence and the action scenes as Blanc and Arden are flying through the air. You really captured the moment. And a cliffhanger! *dun dun dun...*

[~darkelfgirl~]

Hehe, Potato O'Brien XD. I can't help it!

You just love chaos, don't you? You should come to one of my club's meetings . I'm so tempted to bring a golden apple and eat it whilst it goes on (you know, Eris "The Goddess of Chaos" from Greek mythology).


Beowulf *shudders*. Thanks ^^

[USSRGirl]

XDDD Yes, Temmy and Potato O'Brien love chaos. Oooh I never heard of the golden apple thing before. o.0 *has picked up a new chaos causing technique!* Sounds Loki the Norse god of mischief. XP I will send Potato O'Brien's ghost to haunt your meetings! Bwahahaha! It will hang out in the coat closet... unless the room doesn't have a coat closet... o.0;; Then he'll hide in your brain and make you write Beowulfian epic peoms! Mawhahahaha!

Btw, who is your new avvie? The girl from Deathnote?

[~darkelfgirl~]

Oh, great! Another thing to dwell in my brain. And I thought I was getting enough veggies. o.o I don't think I can ever open "Beowulf" again...

Yep! ^^

[Anna Mae]

Fear coiled inside my stomach.

Nice phrase.

Ah, Beowulf. I rather enjoyed my studies of Old and Middle English despite having a disagreeable teacher.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Long time no see (well, read) Anna ^^

To Rushia: What did I tell you about those ninjas? XD

Thanks.

Beowulf was a pain to me--well the 10 page study guide and the late nighters.

[LadyRushia]

To Rushia: What did I tell you about those ninjas? XD

Ehh. . .you told me that they're made of epic pw3n?

[~darkelfgirl~]

You know...Grammar Ninjas....

*watches Rushia stare confused into nothing*

Well, this is strange. I didn't make any other mistakes? I'm not going to celebrate yet o.o....It's a miracle!

[LadyRushia]

You know...Grammar Ninjas....

Wait, am I a Grammar Ninja or am I supposed to watch out for them?

[~darkelfgirl~]

All of you! Some more sneaky than others...

[LadyRushia]

~I will use my Chinese star
~To pick your lock AND STEAL YOUR CAR~

~NINJA OF THE NIGHT~

[~darkelfgirl~]

XD Whoa Ninja!
It's been a while. I've been working on other stories (two) and thinking on the remainder of Aegis. This probably has a lot of grammatical errors in it XD.

The Room of Radiance was filled with the quiet of contemplation. The statues of long gone Aegi gazed down upon us as we gazed upon the letter from the ruler of Iraein, laying on the light-bathed marble top.


My mind was flooded with so many emotions. I grasped the edge of the table to keep my balance.


What’s going on?


Hawthorne stood over the letter, his long black hair in his eyes.


“So the villages have united…interesting indeed.”


“What interests me is what this Alpheus fellow desires of us,” replied Blanc. “It is bold for a leader to send such a request to the Aegi.”


“Despite the way the request was stated, it is our duty to protect, is it not?”


“Yes it is.”


“We have been distant from the outside world for a moon. There’s not telling what has occurred to these villages—Iraein, might I say—in our absence.”


What has happened?


A chill ran up my spine. I pictured the last invasion in my head.


Chaos and destruction, fire and blood. An image of a girl and a little boy fleeing from the jeer of spiked-armed beasts.


Unaware, a noise came from my mouth. Hawthorne and Blanc turned their heads in my direction.


“Something wrong, Arden?” asked Hawthorne.


“N-No. I was just thinking.”


He observed my pale expression. Understanding began to spread across his face, but he remained silent.


“So we will be departing for Serra after all,” said Blanc, unaware.


“Yes,” replied Hawthorne, eyes still upon me.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Sorry for the change in format. I like this one better.

Snow flurries fluttered in the cold breeze.
We started to descend altitude as soon as the first houses and buildings of Serra came into sight.
“It is best that we try not to make a huge entrance,” said Hawthorne.
Anxiety grew in my heart as we approached the capital village. Without warning, Hawthorne and Blanc took a turn to the side, diving to the forest floor on the outskirts. Startled, I followed suit.
We changed into human form, running to a stop as we hit the bottom, littered with dry foliage.
“Don your hoods,” said Hawthorne quickly, walking towards the village and slipping on his hood. “Our identities should remain a secret.”
We obeyed.
As soon as my feet made contact with the first cobblestones of Serra, my heart leapt.
I can’t believe I’m here again! I smiled to myself.
As we made our way through the street, people gazed at us in awe and surprise, some whispering to others.
“The Aegi have returned,” whispered a dark-haired man, wielding a hammer, to a curious companion. “And there’s a third one!” At this remark, I was unsure whether to be full of pride or indifferent.
We made our way into the market square—well, a new and improved area of commerce. I gaped in shock.
Looming over the market square stood a large stone edifice, casting an ominous shadow that covered the area.