Finally asking for help.

[bakura_fan]

Ok...I need help. I have an addiction (I guess that's what you'd call it) to money. I grew up with a lot of money, so there wasn't much stuff I couldn't have. But, now being married and all, I've been screwing up alot with money. I just came really close to maxing out my second credit card ( i may have already maxed it out and not know it). I know that Micah's been putting up with me alot with this stuff, he keeps saying it's allright and to learn from it, but I remember him saying stuff like that before, so i know that i havn't learned. And...I need help...before it gets too much worse. Due to all these money problems, I've become really depressed, and I can't do what I used to to get undepressed (shop). So, I'm kind of in a double pickle....and I don't think there's such a thing as an equivalent of A.A. for money....

[Blitzkrieg1701]

Actually, I think there are. At the very least, have you ever heard of Crown Financial Ministries? I don't know how much any of their stuff would help you personally, but my school and my church both use their stuff for dealing with money problems from a Christian perspective.

In any case, I'll be praying for you. (And, for the record, I'm not good with money at ALL, so I can sympathize)

[AsianBlossom]

I'll be praying for you too. What I suggest (for the depression part) is to find another activity that you enjoy that doesn't cost anything. Listening to music, taking a walk, birdwatching, whatever cheers you up, is free, and is healthy.

[12praiseGOD]

My best advice is to pay off the credit cards. Get them cancelled. Then get a debit card, so that when you spend you'll remeber that you are using your money and you will be more carefull on how you use it. My point of view is why pay to used someone elses money,...especially the really high interest rates. Well anyways...keep strong and think of your husband and your future everytime you swipe the card. And by the way don't get so depressed about the money, money comes and goes...its all a part of life. You may not have the money you had before, but need to try out some new techniques, some new hobbies to get you out of the depression. Pray, draw, whatever you like to do. And if shopping is your thing downsize to garage sales, they usually have some good bargains and you can buy a lot more for a lot less, so that way you can still shop.. but you will have more money. Keep your perspective if money problems last all month it is only 1/960 months of an average persons life. GOD is always there in the tough and easy times, so hold on, pray, and help will be on its way.
GOD BLESS YOU!!!

[K. Ayato]

I'm not sure getting a debit card will help with overusing a credit card, but what you really need is a budgeting chart. You and your husband can work together to graph how much money is earned and used to pay things off per month. It's very easy to forget how even 5 bucks every 2 days or so adds up to a lot by the end of the month when you have no means of checking how much you spend.

[USSRGirl]

K-chan's idea is a good one. Also, like Blitz said there are places that offer financial counseling and such (usually for free, check some local colleges or maybe ask a pastor/teacher/banker/someone who might know). And hey, no one learns overnight! You gain experience, and slowly you start to budget smarter.

As for the shopping addiction (XD) some suggestions - what kind of stores are you going to? If you're hitting the mall like every week, how about stepping down to at least cheaper stores (Walmart, dollar stores, Marshalls, TJ Max, ect.) and doing clearance/bargain bin shopping? Or window shopping, then saving to get the items you want (would make it something to look forward to and you'd still get to be in the store... though maybe this might be too tempting)? I'm mainly suggesting these as a way to gradually step down from overspending, but you should definitely look for some hobbies that don't cost money like AB said.

In my prayers,

Temulin

[K. Ayato]

If you still have the itch to shop, thrift stores can hold some really good finds for only a few bucks.

[bakura_fan]

where I am there's no such thing as malls(the only thing I hit in those are bookstores and game stores...I can't stand buying name brand stuff. so I'm not a shopaholic in that sense. I'm more of a gaming, hobby, book, toy geek =-=;;)...or college. And I don't go to church cause I work on sundays...probably wouldn't go even if I didn't I hate small town life(the only thing we have here that's a chain thing is Safeway...no fast food, no thrift stores, no shopping...cept the variety store which has become my fave place to be...and where my credit is mostly...probably...next to gasoline)! >_< the closest place is Omak..which is 1 hour 30 min, then spokane which is 2 hours.....My money has gone to my pets (hamster, goldfish, betta's, Blood parrots (fish)) and their needs(and replacing two of those pets when the other two died(catfish - puffer)), and getting my self clothes for over here (since I came with practically nil) and hobby stuff, oh yeah, and food for when i'm at work. The majority of my shopping is done at garage sales, but I think because we're so far away from everything, my family here buys alot when we go to those places (such as wal mart) cause it's rare.

I think it's tough cause I'm making alot but the majority of what I make goes to micah, and I have no clue what he's using it for....since we're on opposite coasts. I know he says he needed books, and paying off storage, and credit, but now he needs money for a plane ticket home for christmas(700+ and he said he needs that much cause he's used the other money...and I know he's using the money to pay off stuff but he's not the best with communication), and most likely after he goes back it will be another 4+ months before i see him again. *sigh* We're trying to find a college that both of us can attend so i can get my B.A. and so far the only thign I've found is in Las Vegas.
I just...I dunno. I crochet, watch tv, draw, play games, read. But all that is only temporary (like 15 min- 1 hour) and then it's back to crying....=_=;

I just feel like I'm a financial burden to everyone around me...*sniff* Even though I grew up in a large home and had money, my parents would always tell me how they were sacrificing their money when they did something for me...and they said that whatever man married me would never be able to afford me *sniff* I feel guilty just for exhisting.

edit: after reading my post...I feel worse. =_= man...I'm pathetic...really...really....really......pathetic....

[USSRGirl]

From a fellow resident of Nowhere USA, you have my deepest sympathies. -____-;; I'm actually moving back to my homestate for the very two reasons you just mentioned.

But back to your money problem, I tend to overspend on pets too and some of the other things you've mentioned. It doesn't sound like you're doing anything out of the ordinary like hitting the slots in Vegas while visiting colleges. To me it sounds like your husband is right and it's simply a matter of experience. I've heard most couples say they always had it hard financially when they were young and just starting out, especially if they were in college at the time. Then they got better jobs, learned from their mistakes, and life went on.

Stop beating yourself up for it, girl. I find it reaaally hard to believe with what you've mentioned that you have an out-of-the-ordinary problem with overspending outside of just experience that financial advising could probably help (like, for example I've heard some tips on building good credit - taking out secure loans and paying them back slowly ect. Have you tried anything like that?).

I... hope you don't get offended by my saying this, but from here it seems like the money stuff is just adding to the depression when the real problem for you is your parents' nagging everything you do and you believing what they say about you (which is total crap, because every parent works to support their kids). You can't move on if you have the "I told you so" attitude of your parents in the back of your mind. We all make mistakes, we all struggle in different areas, and that's the only way we grow. You're blessed to have a husband to share the burden with and love and support you through it all. Sometimes money problems are not anyone's fault - it's just something people go through (though granted there are things you can do to start saving like stop spending so much on hobbies and try free activities instead like hiking ect.) Make smart steps towards budgeting, and things will work out. But most importantly, don't let what anyone says make you think you're a problem or make you feel guilty and drag you into depression. You know your value and worth as a child of God and in who you are, so let everything else take its place. The most powerful cures for depression are prayer and scripture! Take as needed, you can never overdose.

[K. Ayato]

And you never run out!

[bakura_fan]

probably doesn't help that when i was in Vegas, alot of people in my family (parent's side) kept suggesting that Micah and I were gonna divorce in a few years....=_=(and my parent's completely ignored that it was micah's and my first year anniversary). I used to have good credit stuff, then that all changed when Micah and I moved to Maine...we had to use my credit card for 6 months cause no one would hire me...so we're having to pay off nearly $4000 on it...and now $1,400 on my other one...last I checked my credit score was like...745? )

Well, I would hike around here...cept for the rattlesnakes...and mountain lions that lurk around every corner (and it's getting too cold to be out anyway). In all honesty, I don't really have time for anything. By the time I get up it's a couple hours before I go to work, and when i come home it's almost time to go to bed. I sleep alot cause if I get up to early, I get anxious and I just figure I might as well sleep. I work fri-tue 2:00-10:00 pm. probably doesn't help that the cat and rusty (my mother in laws red healer puppy) like to play in my room while I sleep. eh whatever. I'm used to sleep deprivation.

[K. Ayato]

Do you and your husband tithe? I know you're reluctant to step inside a church again, but do you still find a way to give back some of your earnings to the Lord? I understand if you think it's really no big deal, but tithing is a sign of remembering that the Lord enabled you to earn money. If you haven't or have stopped for a long period of time, it's not too late to restart . Start it up again; even if it's a very small amount, it's ok. You'll be amazed at what can grow out of giving back to Him .

[Kenshin17]

Yes, Tithe.

Make sure you tithe, 10%. God's word says that only when we are faithful to Tithe will he pour out blessing on us. So do make sure you Tithe, no matter what

And His word says then that He will bless us to overflowing.

[Jingo Jaden]

Will pray. Addictions come in many forms and can often be very, very hard to get past. However, with time and God, much can happen.

[K. Ayato]

And again, if you can't give exactly 10 percent at the moment, give as close as you can to the mark. It's ok.

One other thing is, if you really stop to think about it, 10 percent isn't too much or too hard to give back to God. If, for example, you make $1,000 a month on your paycheck, it's really not difficult to give back $100, because you're still left with plenty for yourself.

[bakura_fan]

....I don't like tithing....just...my parents would like make comments that suggested that God would hate me if I didn't...and I'm just tired of living life like that. I may consider doing it later...but now...no.

basically this is how things typically go with my paycheck each week.

$200 goes to micah's account, $50 goes to paying off the credit card here, the rest goes into my account *typically about $30...roughly*

[K. Ayato]

Never mind what your parents have said about it, hon. Focus on what you know God asks of in regards to your money. He's not going to hate you or severely punish you if you refuse to tithe, but in not tithing, you're holding on to what's rightfully His. I hate to sound harsh, but my next statement is the truth. If you don't give back what belongs to God, you're robbing Him.

Again, He won't hate you, but you will be limiting how much He can bless you.

[Kenshin17]

I truly believe that a lot of your problem lies right there in that you don't tithe. Its not up for debate for us.

I know that sounds harsh as K. Ayato has said, but its the truth as God's word says.

If you tithe He will bless you and "Open the floodgates of heaven."

I think if you started tithing you would see things start to happen.

[bakura_fan]

....you guys truly believe my problems will be solved by tithing? so who do I give the money to? I don't go to church. And there's nothing around here! Well if I tithe....no more money for me....it would be paying off credit card, tithe, micah. =_= i hate my life.

[Kenshin17]

Tithing opens up room for God to bless us.

Its not always easy to do what the Bible says, if it was everyone would be a Christian, but we are called to do it.

The rewards will be there, God's word says so shall it be.

As far as who to give to, I can't help you there, churchgoing is also something the Bible says is good for believers, but I will not preach that.

You should pray and ask God what you should do, but I do believe that if you make the effort to Tithe God will respond, he always does.

Don't think negative, think positive, you give and God Blesses, Biblical truth.

You can do it With God's help.

[bakura_fan]

I don't read the Bible either. I dunno. that stuff...it's just....to me there's really no point in it. I'm just trying to get by in life. My life has really sucked, and it all happened with my parents and my worst memories were at church and christian school. I never had a break from teasing or anything like that (cept sat when i was neither at school or church). I've just seen so many people get so wraped up in the works, they ruin their lives, and to me I don't want to go down that road. I don't want to start on the works just to end up like them. Works works works. That's all I've ever heard and I'm sick of it.

[Kenshin17]

I am not condemning, so please don't think I am, but I do not want to "get by" in life. I plan to thrive. God doesn't call us Christains to "get by". He calls us to live and thrive in Him.

The beauty of Christianity is that its not about works. We don't have to do anything to earn salvation, we can't do anything. All we have to do is believe and accept. Its free, no price.

However, Salvation has not conditions, but God's promises do. If you want his blessing in your life, you have to give. Not tithing will not make you not saved, but you won't live in God's blessing without it.

Step one of fixing your problem is to tithe.

And I am sorry that your life has not been happy, but as my pastor likes to say, the best is still ahead.

The past is the past, let it go and determine to make the future better, and you can do that with God. He has great things for you, all you have to do is follow him.

And I totally agree, getting caught up in works is no way to live. We can never do enough to "earn" salvation.

[AsianBlossom]

Hm...I think God's trying to get your attention. Maybe not so you can tithe, per se, but because you've probably been "away from home" for a long time. He wants to be an active part of your life, and all it takes it finding a little time to set aside in peaceful prayer with Him. Now, I'm not saying that you should pull out every prayer book you can find, but you could try just conversing with God, like you would a normal person. Tell Him about your hopes, fears, dreams, nightmares, anything. You'll most likely find that by giving God time in your life, your days may start becoming a little smoother.

I hope this advice helps; besides, tithing is more than money. It's also giving your time to the church, as well as donating your talents, and both of these can be accomplished by helping in church. Don't get me wrong; you said there was no church close nearby. That's okay; that's why I recommended the prayer time. Hopefully, by starting to come back to God through prayer, you'll start to see a change. I'll be praying for you as well.

[USSRGirl]

Uh... I for one think this is the wrong line of thought to be going down. Don't get me wrong - tithing is great and nice and something you can most certainly do as a personal decision in your relationship with God. But it is NOT required of Christians, nor should we be using God like a gumball machine - pop in 10% and see if something good comes out. That's simply not how it works. We shouldn't be trying to force God's hand by doing stuff to please Him and create an "I gave you this God, so now you gotta give me this." If this is your motivation then your expectations are more likely than not going to be disapointed, because we're into the zone of God having to meet your expectation or needing to do something for you in return for all the gosh darn good things you've done for Him. Your will is being put above God's or on level with God, rather than surrendering to Him and trusting that He will work it out in His own time.

You guys ARE aware that tithing is a part of the OT law and that there is NO commandment to tithe in NT, right? If you're going to take the line of "only when we are faithful to Tithe will he pour out blessing on us" I would have to wonder why you aren't keeping kosher and meeting all the other requirements of law since you are apparently still relying on it rather than God to fulfill some of the needs in your life.

Jesus said that the greatest commandment was love (Matthew 22:38-39). Love can only come from God because He extended it us first. So love God first, then in reflecting God in ourselves we love others. The only thing we are commanded to do is to live our lives for Jesus because He gave His life for us - literally to give all to Him. I believe this means to walk in our roles as children of God, to give where needed, whatever is needed, whenever someone comes across your path who needs you (it may not even be monetary).

These two are good examples: Luke 18: 11-14 "The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: 'God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. 'I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.' But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, the sinner!' I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted." (Who was blessed here? Was it because of tithes, or because of the grace of God?)

Then in Matthew 19:16-21: "And someone came to Him and said, "Teacher, what good thing shall I do that I may obtain eternal life?" And He said to him, "Why are you asking Me about what is good? There is only One who is good; but if you wish to enter into life, keep the commandments." Then he said to Him, "Which ones?" And Jesus said, "YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT MURDER; YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY; YOU SHALL NOT STEAL; YOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS; HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER; and YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF." The young man said to Him, "All these things I have kept; what am I still lacking?" Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me." ( The parable message here seems to be give up all wordliness and follow Jesus, again the law does not grant any kudos to you.)







Now, I am NOT saying that tithing is not a good idea and I'm not trying to paint you guys as works-based, but I don't believe it's particularly helpful to point fingers at Bakura and say "God must not be blessing you because you didn't do such-and-such" (*coughcough* Anyone remember the three accusers in Job? *coughcough*). Follow God with all your heart, surrender to Him, and He will give you comfort, peace, and blessing according to His plan for you in His own time.

As for tithing, if you want to and if you think it will help you grow closer to God or feel called to give, go right ahead. There are many good organizations for missionaries, church workers, and general stuff like St. Jude's that you could donate too (research before hand so you know where exactly your money is going though). But I would not recommend doing this if it is going to be a guilty "gotta do it" ritual, and I sincerely think that that will only make things worst.

More importantly, I think you should give the Bible a shot. The Word is your sword from all the stress of life and shield against depression. Find an easy to read translation that you like (NASB is good) If you wanna get closer to God, I'd say this is a better place to start than guilt-trip tithing. I know you've had a bad experience in church and stuff, but that's why you should read the Bible so you know what God's all about. People are people, and jerks can go to church, but that does not mean that Jesus was not your perfect savior and will never let you down.

Have you tried getting involved in a young couples Bible study group for you and your husband? Just going on a Wednesday evening won't be quite so 'churchy.' But even if you don't want to go to church, how about reading a chapter a night before you go to bed or at a time that's good for you?

[USSRGirl]

o.0 Weird space in my last post. Didn't see AB's post before, but yeah tithing is more than just money and has to do with serving God wherever He is calling you.

[bakura_fan]

sorry, I tend to get defensive over anything...growing up with constant criticism tends to do that. Ok. uhm...clarification. ^^, The church here is 15 minutes from home...one minute from where I work. Church goes from 10-12...and I don't start work until 2. so to me...that's like...wasting time. My main reason for avoiding church is the people. I HATE...and I mean it...hate people comming up to me wanting to talk, asking me about how life is, what God's been doing in my life, etc. I just can't stand it. >_< Also, the guy who married micah and I is the pastor there...and I havn't really seen him since last year and I have no intention of seeing him again...if I can avoid it. So yeah...I have a thing about being places where lots of people know me. That's probably why I like the City....too many people for anyone to know you. I'm just not really that social of a person. I am online cause I prefer being able to write things out, and really think about em (most of the time) before saying it. In real life I'm full of uhm's, "in all honety's" (the annoying phrase I say ALL the time), and ackward pauses.

uhm...about the young couples thing....micah and I aren't together. He's in maine...I'm here...and we rarely talk since he's so busy with homework and stuff. Right now my main money concern is that he won't be able to make it home because I screwed up in spending alot....

[USSRGirl]

Oh forgot he was in Maine. Sorry. I'm sure he'll be able to make it home somehow - there's always student loans. Also does Micah work? Or will his parents help you guys out with the finances or give you advice on it? That might be helpful.

As for the church people... I don't blame you. -___-;; I don't particularly dig the happy sappy fakeness that some church goers adopt (you walk in the door and suddenly they give you no peace and harrass you more than your bestfriends would). But not ALL churches are like that. Try different places and see if you can find a good one with people that you get along with.

[bakura_fan]

uhm...his parents are divorced...his dad's a mental case from what I've heard. But no, his mom can't help with finances, she and micah's uncle supported us for 6 months when no one would hire me. And I don't feel like telling her about our..erm...finance issue I got us in. =_=;;

If I didn't work on Sundays I might consider trying the church my oldest bro in law goes to..buthe gets up at like..8:30 to get ready to get out the door, and I wouldn't be back in time for work...dunno where he goes. o_o; I just keep praying that micah and I can find a college that will acoomodate both of us. So far the University of Nevada, Las Vegas would, and there's an affordable apartment place across the street...we just haven't had time to discuss it. I just want to finish my degree in Criminal Justice so I can try for the job I want (Humane officer....think Animal Precinct on Animal planet).

[USSRGirl]

Oh, okay. Well, a financial advising class might help if you could find one.

Ever tried Wednesday night or Sunday night or whatever church services/Bible studies? Oooh! Humane Society! Rock on! XD I'm going into pre-vet, so animal related careers tis awesome. What's Micah's major, btw?

[bakura_fan]

yeah, don't know of anything like that around here....>_> and I don't know what the church here offers for other stuff...I'll see if they have a website....

Micah's major is gonna be mechanical engineering, like his oldest bro's is. ^^,

edit: no website....phooey. v_v