life, rejection...angry at God

[~darkelfgirl~]

I'm sorry if this gets a little long on here...I'd rather say what's on my mind to people I don't know and can't see, because my friends and family'll just take it another way I guess.

I'm going through some stuff in my life--well, they have been going on for as long as I can remember. I just feel forgotten by God. I mean, I try so hard and pray for many things, which have been coming out negative. I came out of a serious depression (like suicidal thoughts) not too long ago, which was due to rejection and stress. I've been rejected in so many things, and I'm doubting my self-worth. Sometimes I wonder if my prayers get through. I just feel like I'm "banging on Heaven's door" and not getting any answers...or if I do, they're always "no". I know it's God's will and I need to stop fighting against it and submit but it's so hard. Somedays I just stop praying in anger because I feel that God's not listening. Yeh, I'm not that "happy-go-lucky Darkelf" in real life, despite my cheery attitude on here...I just wanna make people's day ok.

Please pray for patience, submission, and a stronger self-esteem for me. I have situation tomorrow in which I'll really need God's help. Also pray for my mom and my best friend who's going through training in the Marines. Thank-you so much.

[Htom Sirveaux]

You want my advice? Let it out. Just get out all your anger and frustration with God. Everyone has the right to be mad at God once in a while. He'll be patient enough to let you finish. My pastor says it's like a relationship with another human being - some of your biggest revelations and moments of clarity and peace come after some of your biggest shouting matches.

[Okami]

Will be praying, Darkelf...
I've been through the same stuff: depression, rejection, doubting, self-esteem issues, impatience, regular negativity, unanswered prayers...
I've really been struggling with submission myself, so yeah, you aren't alone in this battle.

Shoot me a PM if you want to talk, I'll try my best to help!

[~darkelfgirl~]

You want my advice? Let it out. Just get out all your anger and frustration with God. Everyone has the right to be mad at God once in a while. He'll be patient enough to let you finish. My pastor says it's like a relationship with another human being - some of your biggest revelations and moments of clarity and peace come after some of your biggest shouting matches.

I'm afraid of saying something I'll regret...I don't know. I'm just confused with everything...

Will be praying, Darkelf...
I've been through the same stuff: depression, rejection, doubting, self-esteem issues, impatience, regular negativity, unanswered prayers...
I've really been struggling with submission myself, so yeah, you aren't alone in this battle.

Shoot me a PM if you want to talk, I'll try my best to help!

Thanks guys. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this, Okami.

[HiddenWoodchuck]

I'm not gonna say I know how you feel, because no one on this earth really knows how the next person feels, no matter how similar of a situation it is. I will tell you that I have been through, and still go through my own bouts of thinking I am forgotten or never heard, but I always get reassured... be it, sometimes it takes a long time for that to happen, because I am not trusting God to make changes... sure, he will say no to some things, but it is the trust that we need.

I have seen Him do so many amazing things in my life and in the lives of others around me... even people who had cursed His name over and over... mocked Him and rejected Him... and even those who refused to acknowledge His presence. God will test us, that is a given, and it can seem harder to some, but He knows what He is doing... in the end we become so much stronger. I lost nearly 2 years of my life, just being depressed, scared and thinking everyone didn't care, but now I see why I needed to feel so badly, why I had to face that. I think the sooner we really put our trust in Him, the sooner we learn something and our relationship with Him becomes stronger.

I'm gonna tell you, God loves you so much, and He does hear you. I know this is true... I don't know how you feel, but I do know that He is with you. I have no doubts about that. None. I will be praying for you, and feel free to PM me or anything, if you need to talk to someone. I'm not the greatest talker around, but I love to listen to others when they feel they need to talk to someone. I speak from what I have learned from and about God. I'm still growing, but I do know that He will make changes in our lives when we don't give up on the hope and trust. God Bless you

[silver_wolf454]

Praying. Hope you can come to peace.

[LadyRushia]

Praying, and like Woodchuck said you'll be so much stronger when this is all over.

On a sidenote, our struggles tend to help with story developing ^_~

~Rushia

[HiddenWoodchuck]

I know it was really hard for me to imagine praising God when I was feeling awful, but I think that is a big test of just how strong our Faith is. Praise Him even when things are not how you would like them to be... really trust Him.

Here is a video I think is really nice, the lyrics are beautiful too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ji2rLXr3cEU

[Danderson]

I think we all go through times like this, every now and then, so you're not alone...just remember, that even if you feel like the world is crashing down around you, He's always been there....waiting for you.....Will be praying for you......

[Blitzkrieg1701]

As someone who had some pretty deep, dark struggles with submission and the frustrations and confusion that come from fighting it, I'll DEFINITELY be praying.

[termyt]

I believe God wants you to be mad at Him, if that's the way you feel. It is certainly not a sin to be angry at Him and telling Him how you feel is important to your relationship with Him. Of course, you need to temper that with the respect He is due, but if you say things you regret later, well you will need to come clean about them, apologize, and try not to make that mistake again.

Father,
You are holy and good. No one is like You and we need nothing but what You provide us, but our own wants and fears threaten to separate us from you. I know I feel distant from you at times. I don't speak with You enough; I don't study Your ways and make them my own.

Comfort You children when they cry out. Show us Your love when we are the least loveable. Guide us and correct us when we stray. Help us to understand Your plan for us.
Amen

[AsianBlossom]

You're in my prayers.

[K. Ayato]

I agree with Bard and termyt. Sometimes you just need to let it out in one huge rant to the Lord. I've done it a few times myself. As termyt said, if you're worried about saying something you'll regret, have an apology ready when the time comes for it. Not only will you feel like a weight's been lifted off your chest after you're finished, but you'll also feel glad that the Lord was listening and didn't turn away.

I'll be praying.

[ADXC]

So far HiddenWoodchuck and Termyt have said everything I think is necessary to say. Yes, I do believe God is testing your faith, so your in a trial period right now. You can refer to the book of Job in the Bible for more information on this, but basically what happened was that Job was doing everything right, he had everything: family, wealth, land and good livestock. He honored God in everything, but then Satan went up to heaven and said to God that Job is only praising you BECAUSE your blessing him with all these things and that if you took everything of his away he will certainly disown and curse you. So God (Knowing Job would never do such a thing) allows Satan to take everything of Job's away. His family was killed, he lost his wealth, his livestock died of some deadly disease, his land(and crops) died, and he was given many painful boiles. But Job still kept praising the Lord and in the end Job received everything back double of what he originally had. So the point is never stop praising the Lord in all that you do.(Remember the movie "Facing the Giants" they praised the Lord even when they lost and so should you.) Thank God for the small stuff and He will eventually bless you with the big stuff, but remember this is in God's timing. You must be patient.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Thanks guys for your advice, support, and prayers. Today feels a bit better than yesterday.

I asked Him why I'm failing and facing rejection and why my dreams always fall apart.

I know this is probably a test. Maybe it's a life lesson I have to learn. I notice that this happens every time I'm at a spiritual time in my life, and then I become too busy to have a quiet time with God.

Maybe my dreams aren't what God has in store for me, and I have to learn to accept that instead of fighting that fact. I pray I learn to face rejection without breaking down, and learn to trust God instead of doubting Him.

To Rushia: Maybe they do...

To Woodchuck: Thanks. I'll watch it.

[LadyRushia]

Maybe my dreams aren't what God has in store for me

Oh, how I've tread down this painful road before. What are your dreams, exactly?

[~darkelfgirl~]

Oh, how I've tread down this painful road before. What are your dreams, exactly?

I've had so many, I can't remember all of them...but here's my recent ones.

Let's see (sorry if I seem like I'm venting):

--Saxophonist (dead)
--Soccer player (dead)
--Artist (almost dead)
--Drum Major (dead)
--Air Force pilot or attending the Air Force Academy(dead)
--Some involving guys and relationships (dead, totally sick of guys. Btw, this is one of the sources of my depression)
--Some involving numerous contests
--Here's a big one--working for SquareEnix
--Becoming a meteorologist
--Becoming a writer
--Ooh, Homecoming Court (dead)
--Seeing my work in print and on the bestseller list

[LadyRushia]

When I went through my trial in China, I felt that I could never write again. Everything I had done, loved, and enjoyed was suddenly bad(the only bad thing really was that old story. . .which became an idol of sorts). My thinking went along the lines of, "Okay. . .I can't even write anymore. . .I can't do anything. . ."

When you welcomed me to the forums, did you not say that you too had also figured out how to honor God with your writing? Isn't that enough? I mean, He gives us these talents for a reason so that when we use them to glorify Him, a huge impact can be made on the world.

We feel so horrible when we go through trials. Having your soul shattered into millions of teeny tiny pieces is indeed rather painful and depressing, and it's during those times when we get angry with God and/or ourselves and really beg and plead for God to heal us up quickly. And since our need is so urgent, we feel angry when we don't see an immediate change.

After we go through a trial, we're where God wants us to be. I really don't know if any of this relates to what you're going through, but just know that God is *always* with you and that you'll be a lot stronger in your faith when this is all said and done.

~Rushia

[~darkelfgirl~]

When you welcomed me to the forums, did you not say that you too had also figured out how to honor God with your writing? Isn't that enough? I mean, He gives us these talents for a reason so that when we use them to glorify Him, a huge impact can be made on the world.

Yeh...to be honest, I sometimes get selfish with my talents. I really hate doing that. The world makes worldly gain so appealing. I know it is worthless, but there's always that little voice inside that says, "Worldy gain is so much successful." I do want to use my talents for God, and I'm trying, but there's always that wayward temptation.

What you mentioned in the first paragraph is how I kinda feel about Aegis. I mean, I'm not experiencing writer's block, but I just can't seem to pick up the pen--and I want to write.

[AsianBlossom]

Hm...have you ever considered brainstorming? You know, just take about 15 minutes or so (adjust time according to your needs), and jot down anything that comes to mind, whether you think it's clever or stupid. Just anything. Then, you go back over it and see what you've come up with.

Also, I know you might have been speaking metaphorically (about not being able to pick up the pen and write), but in terms of actual writing, perhaps you should try on the computer; I find that it's easier for me to type.

But then again, holding a mechanical pencil to paper has some sort of other thrill to it...but anyways, just try to find different ways to write. You could also try recording your words (if you're better at speaking your thoughts than physically writing them) and then play them back and transcribe them.

[USSRGirl]

EEP! I can't believe I didn't see this thread until now. Just want to let you know that I've been praying for you, and will continue to do so, Elfy.

Can't add much to what has already been said, except to say that I've been going through a similar struggle with God for awhile. I think something important to keep in mind is that, just like in any real relationship, everyone goes through lows in their faith and fights with God. I agree with Spoony - it's always best to just have it out rather than storing up your emotions. Indifference towards God is far worst than anger, because anger is a sign of belief and trust as you would have with any parent.

I know sometimes it seems like for all the dreams that don't happen, at least one should happen to make things fair. But God doesn't always work in our time and play by our rules, though we can at least trust that everything will work out for the better in the end.

I actually came very close to dumping my vet career dream earlier this month, and I've gone through huge gaps where I couldn't write because I just didn't have any motivation or spirit to do it. But recently I feel like I'm starting to understand my priorities a little bit better. You should never give up on the things you love. God gave you those talents for a reason, whether it's just as a way to express yourself or whether He wants it to become something more. Be thankful that you have that unique part about you - whatever it is, writing, art, sports - because it's a part of you and you should never cut it off. Sometimes when we get too caught up in the whole "fame and fortune and success" kick we lose the joy of that talent to begin with.

I played around with trying to get my writing published for awhile, got horribly let down by the insane odds and bad crit, and took a break from the whole thing for awhile. But afterwards, I picked it up again and started back on it, changing things, just doing what I wanted without having any idea of "writing for the publishers" in the back of mind. And what I found was that I'm now weirdly enough incredibly thankful for having God knock me into my senses, because I think that my lack of interest in writing came from trying to get published to begin with vs. when I simply write because I want to I enjoy it like I used to.

Sometimes depression can lead us to satisfaction and strengthen our security in God. If you never felt separated and angry with God at times, you would never be able to see how close you are to Him and how much He loves you.

Elfy, you're an awesomely good writer (and an artist too for that matter!) and you'll be an awesomely good writer whether anyone ever publishes you or not. In all honesty your stories draw me in and are more memorable than several library books I could think of. But more than that you're a child of God, and He gave you your talents to begin with. Life is full of failures and successes and sometimes things are just plain not fair, but none of that matters so long as we know the one thing that will never change is who we are in Christ. It's not like we won't still have times when we'll struggle and fall, but for each fall you get stronger and learn to lean on God and rest knowing that all is by His will.

I love this Psalm because it always reminds me that even when we think God doesn't hear us or is ignoring us, He knows every tear we shed and every trouble in our hearts. That's how much you mean to Him.

"When I am afraid,
I will put my trust in You.
In God, whose word I praise,
In God I have put my trust;
I shall not be afraid
What can mere man do to me?
You have taken account of my wanderings;
Put my tears in Your bottle
Are they not in Your book?
Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call;
This I know, that God is for me.
In God, whose word I praise,
In the LORD, whose word I praise,
In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
Your vows are binding upon me, O God;
I will render thank offerings to You.
For You have delivered my soul from death,
Indeed my feet from stumbling,
So that I may walk before God
In the light of the living." - Psalm 56:4-13

Hang in there, enemy-in-law.

-Temmy

[~darkelfgirl~]

Hm...have you ever considered brainstorming? You know, just take about 15 minutes or so (adjust time according to your needs), and jot down anything that comes to mind, whether you think it's clever or stupid. Just anything. Then, you go back over it and see what you've come up with.

Also, I know you might have been speaking metaphorically (about not being able to pick up the pen and write), but in terms of actual writing, perhaps you should try on the computer; I find that it's easier for me to type.

But then again, holding a mechanical pencil to paper has some sort of other thrill to it...but anyways, just try to find different ways to write. You could also try recording your words (if you're better at speaking your thoughts than physically writing them) and then play them back and transcribe them.

Yeh, I brainstorm (well sometimes). It helps to know what you're going to do before you do it. A few times, I get blocks during brainstorming, so I just write as I think...*shrugs*

When I write on the computer, I'm really obsessive about the red and green grammar and spelling lines, so I spend more time correcting every mistake instead of writing ^^'

Recording? Interesting....

Thanks for the suggestions, Asian Blossom ^^


To Temmy:

Thanks enemy-in-law.
Yeh, writing's much better when you just write for fun. Thanks for the Psalm, too ^^.

P.S. Dumping your vet career? The animals would've been sad if you did.

[SP1]

Go to the options menu (under tools in Word) and turn the grammar and spell checker OFF until you get enough of your thoughts on paper to keep from losing the flow.

Hey, don't just watch .hack, play it. Especially the original series. The current one (.hack//GU) has a lead character that is a jerk. He doesn't get over it for a loooooooooong time.

Praying for direction in your life.

Next time you are in church or otherwise praying to and praising God, remind yourself: "I am exactly where I need to be right now. There is nothing more important than what I am doing." Then feel God's Holy Spirit wash over you. Very de-stressing.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Go to the options menu (under tools in Word) and turn the grammar and spell checker OFF until you get enough of your thoughts on paper to keep from losing the flow.

Hey, don't just watch .hack, play it. Especially the original series. The current one (.hack//GU) has a lead character that is a jerk. He doesn't get over it for a loooooooooong time.

Praying for direction in your life.

Next time you are in church or otherwise praying to and praising God, remind yourself: "I am exactly where I need to be right now. There is nothing more important than what I am doing." Then feel God's Holy Spirit wash over you. Very de-stressing.

Oh--thanks for the tip.

I would play it if I had a console, hehe. Oh, I like Haseo...well, he does have an attitude problem, but he's different than the typical lead character.

Ok, I will ^^

[LadyRushia]

As someone whose pride in her writing got her to the point where her soul had to be entirely shattered in a foreign country, I know *exactly* what you're going through, except you have more smarts about it than I did. I let it go too far. I'm surprised my head didn't explode from all that pride. "Yes, I'll get published, it'll turn into an anime, everyone will love it, I'll be famous, I'll have many fans who will cosplay and send me fanart in the mail."

Do not *ever* allow this line of thinking to enter your mind. It seems you already know that, but still be careful. Pride is seriously dangerous, and I honestly think it's something that every artist has to struggle with. I mean, not *everybody* is a writer or a musician or anything like that, you know? And of course, *we're* always the one getting praise for our work. That makes it so much easier for our heads to fill up. I'm not saying that you're prideful or anything like that, but the life of any artist requires a battle with pride.

And how easy is it for a storyteller to become egotistical? Look at what we do. We invent people and the stories of their lives. We know things that they don't yet know. . .and when it's all finished and typed up, we call it a book. If it's a good book, people endlessly admire and praise it. . ."How talented this author is! What great work! Genious!"

Something that helped me, when my trial was all said and done, was to dedicate my writing to God. I seriously sat there in bed one night and said, "God, my writing is all for You. I want You to have it and do whatever You want with it." Since then, *every* idea I've had has *perfectly* integrated my faith with anime/sci-fi/fantasy elements(at least, I see them as perfectly integrated. . .haven't shown them to anyone else yet) *without* comprimising either.

It's a big step, fully dedicating something about your life to God(especially if pride is in the mix) but there really is this sense of relief after doing so, not to mention that God then gives you the ideas/tools/whatever you need.

Hmm, I think I've rambled/ been redundant a bit. Well, the first thing you need to do is be real with God; ask Him what He has planned for you, tell Him that you feel angry and depressed, and when you're ready dedicate your art.

I second what Temmy said about your stories(well, I've only read one). Yes, you are talented. No, you're not prideful. Yes, you need improvement(we all do).

~Rushia

[~darkelfgirl~]

Thanks Rushia. I don't think you rambled at all. I guess all writers have that problem, hehe.

For those who have been praying for me, thank-you so much. I'm starting to feel better about myself and trying to accept that God has a different plan for me. ^__^

[termyt]

My question to you, and I don’t really expect an answer but you should answer them for yourself, is “What are you doing to achieve your dreams?”

--Saxophonist (dead)
--Soccer player (dead)
--Drum Major (dead)
Why is these dead? I imagine if you spend 5-10 hours a day taking lessons, studying other people who play, just playing the saxophone/bouncing a ball around/doing whatever drum majors do, you’d become pretty good at it – good enough to be a professional at it. The main question is whether or not you want it bad enough to pour in the time and effort it takes to be good at it.

--Air Force pilot or attending the Air Force Academy(dead)
This is certainly a tough one. Getting into the Air Force Academy generally requires a letter of recommendation from a Senator (each in your state giving just one per year) or a retired Air Force officer. Going to a High School with an Air Force Jr ROTC program’s a plus. AFJROTC programs can recommend up to three people per year (or at least they could back when I was in HS). You can go with out a recommendation, but getting one sure helps. Even that is not a guarantee, though. Fact is, you can do everything right and still not achieve this. But if you do everything right and you don’t, take that as a subtle hint that it’s not in God’s plan for you.

"--Some involving guys and relationships (dead, totally sick of guys. Btw, this is one of the sources of my depression)"
Yeah. Guys suck. We continue to suck for most of our lives. I'm sorry for the pain this causes all of you. Some of us grow out of it, though. Practice looking for (and being
attracted to) the ones who do.

--Here's a big one--working for SquareEnix
What, specifically do you want to do for SquEnix? Anything at all? That’s probably fairly achievable. I’m sure they have marketing people here in the US. You could research what types of people they like to hire and tailor a college degree and resume to fit what they look for. Do you want to be a video game designer/programmer? That will be tougher. It will likely require you to become fluent in Japanese and move to Japan along with getting a degree in Computer Science – preferably from a Japanese University specializing in programming whose graduates have a history of being recruited by SquEnix.

--Becoming a meteorologist
The most attainable item on your list (since you didn’t attach a specific company like “Square Enix” or achievement level like “bestseller list" to it). You just need to go to school for it and get a degree. Then you should be able to find a job and work your way up to whatever level you’d like to achieve.

--Artist (almost dead)
--Becoming a writer
Aspiring artists and writers must be prepared to face a lot of rejection. You will probably have to take the kind of jobs you hate but have to do anyways for money or jobs that are only kind of like what you want to do but aren't (like a wannabe novelist taking a job as a sports writer for a newspaper). You’ve heard of “starving artists” right? That’s cliché because most artists aren’t even noticed until after they die. Writers generally fair a little better, but many of them struggle to make ends meet and it is getting increasingly more difficult to get published if you do not already have a history of success – bit of a catch 22. Thousands of people write, but very few get paid to do it. Being a good writer or artist isn’t something you just do. Those who get recognized for doing it spend years practicing, studying, and perfecting their art. The best writers re-write their stories over and over before they are published. They solicit the help of other writers and critics so they can make their writings better. It’s a lot of work and a lot of rejection and criticism before you achieve success as a writer or an artist.

--Some involving numerous contests
--Ooh, Homecoming Court (dead)
--Seeing my work in print and on the bestseller list
I’ve entered thousands of contests and gotten prizes out of a few. Wanting an outcome and needed an outcome are two different things. God gives us what we need to be who He wants us to be. He also disappoints us to teach us character and wisdom.

I apologize if it sounds like I’m preaching at you. If you are still reading this, then let me say that my point is that these are all good dreams and worth pursuing. Most of your dreams are huge dreams that millions of people share but only thousands or even hundreds realize. Most that do achieve their dreams face years of hard work and rejection before making it. In everything you do, God will be there with you, but He is not there to make your dreams come true. You are here to make His dreams for you come true. Do your best to follow His desire for you. Even if you follow His path for you exactly, I can promise you it will not only be a long path full of great success and joy but also a path of heartbreaking defeats and set-backs.

Whatever path you choose for yourself, prepare for it. Do the things now that will help you succeed later. What does it take to be a _______? Are you doing the things that will help you become a successful ________? Or are you just wishing to become a ______ and waiting for it to fall in your lap? There’s a n old cliché that says nothing worth having is easy to achieve. Clichés are clichés for a reason – they are usually true.

[Kura Ookami]

Let me ask you a question: If you were a guy and you met yourself now as the girl you are, would you want to date yourself? If not you're going to have to work on improving yourself in whatever way you feel you need to improve.

You can be any of the things you say you want to be, but you need to be focused on one of them to succeed. You've got to choose just one, the most important to you now. Once you've selected one start by writing out a plan for the next ten years and set lots of goals for any period of time within 10 years. A goal that can be achieved in a few hours to a goal that will take 10 years to accomplish. Then start working from the ten year goal down. What do you want to achieve in the next five years? Then what do you want to achieve in the next year all the way down to daily goals. Then set out doing the smallest goal you've got. A ten year goal might be to get a novel published. A daily goal might be to write for at least 15 minutes a day. The first goal you might want to consider is doing research on your goal to learn more about it and what you need to do to achieve it. Read peoples autobiographies and see how others have achieved what you want to achieve already.

Napoleon Hill said: "If you can conceive it and believe it you can achieve it.

All your dreams could come true. Select the one that inspires you the most and makes you really want to achieve it. Do a little towards your goal each day and the cumulative effects of your efforts will bear fruit.

I've got a little to add to what Rushia said. You'll have people say your work is the worst piece of writing on the planet as well as people who say it's the best ever. Try not to let either kind of criticism get to you. People will have all sorts of opinions about you and your writing and if you go with the flow of it all you'll be convinced your work is the best in the world one day and the worst in the world the next. Learn to have a sense of humor with criticism and not to take it personally.

[AsianBlossom]

(In response to your reply that's way up there...)

You're welcome.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Oh no, that's Ok, termyt.
Well, I have to admit that few of the dreams on the list I hadn't been committing a lot of time to or I didn't have any experience in them.
Thanks for the feedback, by the way ^^

To Kura: (to the dating question) I don't know--I mean, I don't know what guys want, hehe (ok, this just sounds weird). It's just that the ones I did like wanted a "Hiltonish" girly-girl, and that wasn't me. I just don't feel I should change my personality to fit their needs.

Thanks for the feedback too ^^. Sometimes, I want "instant soup" results. I really need to work on my patience.