Falling Apart.

[Okami]

Well everyone, major update coming from this young girl....

I told my mom and showed her and now we're on the way to finding me a Counselor.
Prayfully Christian and a girl, I'm praying!

[Kiku]

u showed your mom? what did she say/do about it?

im sure she didn't smile and say, "Alright, lets get ready for bed, and pretend it never happened..."

[Okami]

Well, I guess I should explain (finally) to those who don't know before going farther into detail...

Last Sunday, I went out for a walk alone, pretty much just allowing pent up anger to get out, seeing as I was so far from everyone out on those trails....
In my blinded rage, I ran up a hill and sat, looking over several acres of trees and trails and the distant highway and trees beyond that, and the sky beyond that.
And as I sat wondering how God must have felt as He created all that, something caught the corner of my eye in the sunlight. A small (like size of a penny or even a dime) piece of glass.
Well, needless to say, I took this glass to my wrist(about an inch or so down, but as I'm not good at guestimation...), not enough to make it bleed....but enough to cut it, and looking at the area, it's created a cross shape, and the more minor areas around it have faded almost entirely....

Well, it shocked her pretty bad when I told her about Sunday/Monday in depth. She responded to me by asking "And my blowing up on you after school didn't help at all, did it?" and I shook my head with a feeble "No." so once I showed my scar she asked "Does anyone at your dad's know?" "No. No one but Kiku and Kitsune" (Obviously using your guys' real names, since it was serious conversation---and I wasn't about to bring up CAA/the internet)
And that's when she asked me about a counselor, to my response of "I was just about to ask..."
And that's when I brought up the fact that I need it to be a Christian counselor, because I need someone who understands the life...
So we're going to make an appointment with Randy (for those who don't know, my pastor) and ask him if he can reccomend anyone.

After that, we hugged (both in tears, haha) and I looked at my wrist and brought up what I've been pondering as a tattoo design. (prehaps not the best time to do so, but since she'd been wondering for some time...)
And I've basically decided I want to have a cross, in the shape of three nails (the old-fashioned stake-like ones, but not bound together, sort of like someone put three nails down on a table and that was how they were placed) *3 nails + 1 cross = Forgiven; whootz for doubly meanings* and then underneath it having it say "NEVER FORGET. . ."
I'm still pondering these next facts, but I'm thinking of having the tips of the nails be bloody--to further remember His sacrifice, and then 'engraved' in one of the nails, have a small flame...
I want to get this tattoo over my scar if I can, so that way whenever I look down at it, I will start remembering so many different things (thus why I leave it open at the end with the ". . .") and it will only grow in meaning the older I get.

Today is an early day...a day in which I drive =/

Amazingly....prayerfully....mom didn't blow up at me. Hallelujah, thank You, Jesus.


[SIZE="1"]This is the pain of believing
(The danger is real)
And there's no easy way out
(How did I get here?)
You trust too much in my bravery[/SIZE]~

[Okami]

Oh! And while it's on my mind,

I'm working on restrengthening my prayer life...since last week, especially the aforementioned two days...it's been weakened greatly, making it extremely difficult for me to pray when needed--especially for others, and especially since with all of this going on, all I can seem to focus on is getting out. And, quite thankfully, it's not in a stressful way...but is actually taking away from my time stressing over the things I had been. So another plus.
So um...prayer strengthening would be a wonderful blessing if you guys could pray for me :sweat
It's not that I can't or don't pray anymore; I do all the time, it just doesn't have the same 'feeling' when I do, which is strange, considering it's had that same 'feeling' for the last few years of my new life....

I dunno what it is =/ It's just....difficult.....to explain. Last night I went before bed and prayed for every last person whose been helping me in this thread, or tried to....
I felt as though it had turned up empty...

Ugh. My emotions keep getting in the way of the Word. I want to lash out and continue in selfish living....but I don't all at the same time.....
I want to be free...

[LadyRushia]

I know exactly what you mean. I've been having the same feelings lately(except when I pray for my one friend. I don't know why this happens, it's weird. . .).

Let me tell you though that once God reveals to you what He wants you to do with your life, it's the most freeing feeling ever and you'll truly understand on a personal level how God's plan for each of us is absolutely perfect.

Stay strong, Okami-chan,
~Rushia

[Kunoichi]

Okami,

This may not help for the Lord knows that I am where you are and actually thankyou for giving me the strength to post my own struggle.

However, I want to let you know one thing.

First of all, you are not up against flesh and blood but against dark powers. I do not know the verse exactly but this is what God has revealed to me.

The voices in your soul that tell you death would be so much better, such a relief....I struggle with that alot. And it is even worse, because knowing I have the Lord within me, I feel as if I am tainting and damaging everything because I do not have that joy within me.

But Okami-sama, please know this if anything does not help then just know God loves you and has great, fantastic and awesome plans for you!

There is a verse which I forget where it is, but it is : I know the thoughts I have for you, plans to give you a hope and future and everlasting joy. SOrry may not be verbatim but just know God loves you and is really there, even when things seem at the bottom of hell.

I have been there and if you can, read my thread and maybe we can help eachother on this one.

God bless you okami-sama

Kunoichi

[12praiseGOD]

hey Okami and Kunoichi, death is not the answer, that feeling that you have as I have heard is really the devil trying to take you down with him to the worst place you can imagine. The feeling of emptiness that you feel inside is just another trial. The trials that He gives are not for Him to see were your faith is, but for you to see where your faith is.

let GOD help we to give you words of counsel taht will be of great help. I pray ober you Okami that GOD will save you from theis hurrican you are in, from the disster your asre facing, do not cry o dear child, for GOD seeks you but you alsthoug you are htere aseeking him a wall has been built between you. A very powerfull, wall. All you have to do is cry out to GOD and He will knock it down. Remember that you are on the highway to life,a dn GOD has set up guard rails tokeep you in the right path. you have hit one and are injured call out with all you strenght, show HIM that you do care, that you love HIM, THAT YOU NEED HIM, and he will come just as the ambulances come. Do not let the hovering wolves lead you astray in the forest or you will certainly become lost. They may seem frienly and that they are jsut cute little puppies, but htere are not,, they are seeking your destruction for you are a Child of the MOST HIGH. Remember dear child that you are a precious jem of GOD. You are HIS daughter. He loves you!!!HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH HE GAVE HIS LIFE ON THE CROSS TO FORGIVE YOU, THIS MAY NOT HABE BEEN TOLD TO YOU BUT GOD HIMSELF GAVE HIS LIFE SO THAT YOU COULD GO TO HEAVEN AND LIVE WITH HIM. He wanted you to be with HIM! If GOD cares so much to feed the sparrows, don't you think that HE will most definetely provide for you. He takes care of the grass that one day is out in the fields and the next it is thrown into the furnace, don't you think dear child that you are much more valuable than sparrows and grass. Well let me assert to you that you are!!!

"GOD IS NOT DISTANT AND ANGRY, BUT THE COMPLETE EXPRESSION OF LOVE"

my heart goes out to you in great prayer, I will ask the mission going on in mexico to pray for you, I will ask my church to pray for you, we will be praying, do not fear you are not alone, though you walk throw the valley of darknes, do not fear for GOD is right beside you holding your hand. When you read this please go in your room and just get down on you knees and with all your heart say
[color="Red"][SIZE="3"][SIZE="4"]Lord, Daddy, I love you and I need you, please don't abandon me in my time of need, I need you Daddy, I really do, you know my heart. I know that I have the keys to let you in, right now I let you in and ask you to please, of please enter in my heart and scrape off every sin and every sorrow in my heart, oh please make me white as snow. I ask you also to fill and decorate my hear with youru love, kindness and all that comes from you. Please never abandon me. Please live in my heart, let it be your home forever, and please help me understand and give the consciens of when wrong is trying to enter so that I will be able ot make it go away. [/SIZE][/SIZE][/color]

When you say this, don't recite it word for word form the computer, but say what you remember and what you really feel from the deepest of your heart, then be silent, and feel GOD'S wonderfull pressence in your heart and just si there adn listen. i assure you that first be the will of GOD you will fell something wonderful.

[Okami]

I'm not doing too good right now...
The psychological pain the scar gives me is overwhelming

I just wish I knew what to do. Mom told me I need to start searching for a job, but I feel it will overwhelm me further. I want to get out of this before moving on...

So here I sit, crying once again, unsure of what to do, where to go...

[SP1]

Well, based on her reaction to your revelation, your mom seems pretty cool. Perhaps a job might be a good change of circumstances that might help you. I am not thinking fast-food here, more like working as an assistant someplace so you have the opportunity to help others. That would do wonders for your down times.

I dunno about the bloody nail tattoo. That might be a little too strong of a reminder right now. Perhaps focus on the Living Jesus for a time.

[LadyRushia]

Your mom asking you to get a job doesn't make logical sense. You're depressed because you're stressed and a job will only put more on your plate.

Anyway, keep in mind that you don't have to figure out your whole life right now. You're not even half-way through your junior year; you still have time. Take one thing at a time, and most of all ask God to reveal to you where He wants you. Ask Him to relieve your stress; cast your burdens on Him. Cry as much as you need to, and know that this too shall pass.

~Rushia

[K. Ayato]

We talked about this for a bit online, Okami, and I think you've been biting off more than you can chew. As Rushia said, there's still time to think things through before you finish high school. And as you realized, the key is asking the Lord. Again, don't be shy or embarrassed by how your prayers may sound. He doesn't care . He just wants to hear from you.

Praying, hon. *Hugs*

[Blitzkrieg1701]

I'm not going to act like I know enough about what all's going on to go offering any advice, but I am going to be praying for you.

Father God, I lift up our sister before you now. There's so much going on - stress, confusion, depression, frustration - and Satan is trying so hard to use these things as weapons against one of Your children. I pray that you will put a wall around her to protect her from assault without and make your presence known all the more powerfully in her to protect her from attacks from within. Lord, I pray that You will grant her calmness and peace about the future, the kind that comes from knowing that it is in Your hands, not hers, in the first place. I pray that you will make clear all the things that seem so cloudy and make small all the things that seem so huge. But, most of all, right now I pray that you will give her joy. Replace these terrible feelings with that joy that can't come from us but can only be given by You.

And, Lord, I also lift up all of us who know her - family, friends, fellow believers - and ask that You equip us to minister to her as you see fit. Father, I pray that You use us to be as great a blessing to her as You've used her to be a blessing to us.

In the name of your Son I pray,
Amen.

[Okami]

*flips on her lamp so she can see*

Last night, I went to bed fairly early, like 8:30/9ish early...I took my main study Bible where it was flipped open (to Matthew 7:7, if you're wondering) and started skimming the surrounding content. Lo and behold, on the opposing page, when Jesus is teaching about not worrying, judging others, and then the ask/seek/knock
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%206:25-34;&version=51;
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%207:1-8;&version=51;

I sobbed. That's all there is to it. My tears soak all the way through the book of Matthew now
But as I cried myself to sleep, I was listening to Emery (yet again), their song "What makes a Man a Man"
(song makes me cry so much: 'The sound of silence is as loud as a gunshot. "Forgive me" were the only words they read on the note you left.')
and I fell asleep to the chorus of "Oh, can't find any way out" and surprisingly, I woke up to the same song at Eight, to the same part I fell asleep at. And in the silence I heard Him say "I Am your way out. Come and follow me."

*touches the tearstained pages of Matthew 6 & 7*
and so, here I am, trying to follow Him.

[LadyRushia]

w00t! I love it when God uses the bible like that! I hope that's made you feel a little better.

<3
~Rushia

[Okami]

Today was a really good day, like, the best I've had in a month.
I was able to get the focus off of myself, off of school, and a little bit on others, but mostly on God.
I bawled through church this morning; the importance of others and why we need them and why community is so important to have between small groups of believers. And for me, you guys are like that group, lifting me up in my time of need, and continually making me feel accepted, and my constant updates so I don't worry anyone...

I messaged my youth minister on myspace earlier, telling him I need some help and that I've been struggling with depression and with my faith. Please pray God will lead him to give me the encouragement and further strength I need...

With tomorrow comes the refocus on school and peer pressure and whatever else...I could care less right now. All I know is that I'm set on Jesus, and that nothing I've ever done is too big to be forgiven. Because that's all done and over.
I've made it a week.
Here's to many weeks more.

[Nikolai Melodie]

Congratz, Okami ^____^

You're amazing, dear. Probably one of the strongest Christian sisters I happen to know. and I am very proud of you for working over these few weeks...

[Okami]

I think I'm going to brave it out today and wear short sleeves to school. I'm tired of hiding it, or trying to. As I looked at the scar this morning I realized just how faded it's become, sort of like an alternative shadow on my skin.

I can't run from the problem forever, not in the middle of this war. It'll just hold me back. But it's the things like this that will connect me more to the unbelievers when testifying, because I, too, have been there.

I can try as I like to forget that emotion, but I never will. I'll hold it as a memory and nothing more; never forget the pain I've been in, because it just might help someone else cope.

And with that, I think I'm going to go do a morning Devo and read some of 1 John.

[K. Ayato]

Good Scripture choice!

[Kiku]

*glomp*

im glad that you're doing just fine now, ooky X3

[Denimcat]

I think I'm going to brave it out today and wear short sleeves to school. I'm tired of hiding it, or trying to. As I looked at the scar this morning I realized just how faded it's become, sort of like an alternative shadow on my skin.

I can't run from the problem forever, not in the middle of this war. It'll just hold me back. But it's the things like this that will connect me more to the unbelievers when testifying, because I, too, have been there.

I can try as I like to forget that emotion, but I never will. I'll hold it as a memory and nothing more; never forget the pain I've been in, because it just might help someone else cope.

And with that, I think I'm going to go do a morning Devo and read some of 1 John.

Since it's still 90 degrees or so, it must be tough to wear long sleeves. You could always wear one of those thick fabric wristbands. I've got one with Romans 12:20 (I think?) on it. 8D

Anyway, I'm glad you're doing so much better now.

[Okami]

Exactly. And as they say, wearing long sleeves in hot weather is an almost sure-sign of self injury....

I've got some wristbands, but in the particular spot the scar is, it wouldn't quite reach, while still being at the base of my wrist XD I did consider the option, though.

Thankfully, VERY thankfully, no one asked about it. At least, not anyone who didn't know what it's from. With being cold today at school, especially (my newer scars show up more pinkish-purply than white), it was a blessing no one asked. Especially when I'd take my wrist in my left hand and close my eyes and think.

It's still going to be a while until I make full recovery, but I'm just praising God it's gotten over so fast, I mean, it was a week ago today that I made that dreadful first post---but it feels as if it's been months since.

God heals the broken hearted, truly.

[12praiseGOD]

I am so glad you are doing better, for further support here are some scriptures i found for you.

"GOD is our refuge and our strength, A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear
Though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though its waters roar and be troubled,
Though the mountains shake with its swelling." psalm 46:1-3

"Be still, and know that I am GOD; ....
The Lord of Hosts is with us; The GOD of Jacob is our refuge" psalm 46: 10-11

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love GOD, to those who are the called according to HIS purpose." Romans 8: 28

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a aslave to fear onve again. Instead you received the Holy Spirit, ho makes you GOD'S child. By the Spirit-s power we call GOD "Abba."
" The spirit himself joins with out spirits. Together they give witness that we are GOD'S children. " Romans 8:15-16

GOD bless you!!! keep up the growing faith!

[12praiseGOD]

GOD hath not promised
Skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways,
All our lives Through;
GOD hath not promised,
Sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow,
Peace without pain.

But GOD hath promised
Strength for the day,
Rest for the labor,
Light for the way,
Grace for the trials,
Help from above,
Unfailing sympathy,
Undying love.
-Annie Johnson Flint.
GOD didn't promise a perfect path, but HE did promise to ALWAYS be there with you, and always in heaven for eternity.

[12praiseGOD]

Hope all is going well:thumb:

[color="Magenta"]GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!!![/color]

huggles:hug::angel::jump:

[Kiku]

how do you feel today, ooky? better i hope?

[12praiseGOD]

When you are feeling down remeber some of these sayings...

"You are not alone. W are all connected. You could no more separeate yourself from humanity than a wave could separate itself from the ovean and still be a wave." - geral Jampolky

"We all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a confort to go hand in hand" -Emily Kimbrough

and finally...

"What you are accomplishing may seem like a drop inthe ovean. But if this drop were not in the ovean, it would be missed." -Mother Teresa

GOD BLESS YOU!!!!

[12praiseGOD]

how are you doing Okami, haven't heard from you in a while?
here are some websites you might want to look at when feeling bad...

http://www.gospelgreeting.com/christianecards/viewCard.asp?cid=299&catid=1

and...

http://www.gospelgreeting.com/christianecards/viewCard.asp?cid=293&catid=4

these e-cards come from the website...

http://gospelgreeting.com/


hope you enjoy them....GOD bless you!!!! truly

[Okami]

I'm doing okayish now. All that sadness, though, has turned into anger. And I've been praying over it a lot...

I think sometime soon I need to release my full opinion to this thread. I mean, about the earlier debate and everything. What I personally believe. Because that's where some of my anger is coming from; reading back over things, and either knowing I don't believe it, or knowing, Biblically, that a certain point made was wrong or something...Either way, as that whole mess was started because of my emotions; who's to say I don't have a say in the matter?
Also, in doing so, I absolutely do not want another debate to arise--I just need a space to vent. Seriously, at that point, if you want to pick a fight, take it Private Messaging.
(Since this thread's basically all about keeping you guys updated now, I don't want it locked...)

Anyways, keep an eye out for that, I guess. I'm still finetuning all my thoughts.

[AsianBlossom]

We all need time to analyze and organize, especially with our thoughts and emotions. I'll keep praying for you.

[12praiseGOD]

same here

GOD BLESS YOU!!!