Falling Apart.

[Okami]

I don't know who to turn to anymore.

I'm crashing, I've hit rock bottom. Life sucks. I hate my life. I hate it. There's no one to run to, no open arms beckoning me back. I'm freefalling with no where to go but down.

I'm sick of this. It's been three weeks. Where is my joy? My hope? Where is the light in this black world? I'm dying, but no one sees. I'm ashamed. I can't stand in the presence of my friends. I told them to leave me this morning, I haven't spoken a word to them since.

The stress is so overpowering, not that the work is hard, but because there is so much of it. It's almost neverending. Test after test, take three tests today, have two more by the end of the week. It's nonstop study and I can't take it anymore.

There's so much anger and hate boiling in me. Hatred of myself...Angry that I can't go back to being normal. I can feel all sorts of dark things around me, but I can't see them. People seem to stay a foot away from me wherever I go, that's how strong my negativity is.

I'm a miserable person. Not worthy of life at all. I'm not worthy. Suicide seems so acceptable right now, so right. I know it's a lie, I know I can pull through. But here I sit, so empty inside. Satan is filling my head with crap, and I can't close my ears to it....and along with it, I can't hear God.

I have no future. I've got nothing planned for the years ahead. I look ahead five years and all I see is grey, static. There's nothing there that comes in clear. Satan and his demons have surrounded me and are crushing the life from my heart, the oxygen from my lungs. The things that I wanted in life aren't achievable from where I'm at, nor will they ever be. Not with my disability. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Not only do I feel like I'm dying, but I'm dead spiritually. Prayers are left unanswered. I don't have time for God. And I continually refuse to make time, but not of my own accord. So many chains surround me, I can't break loose.

Everyone sees that something is wrong with me. Yet no one has come closer to help me. As much as I want to be by those I love, I can't. I'm drifting away...


I don't know what to do. I've been purposely avoiding those people, I can't hardly look at them, let alone look them in the eyes.

I asked some school friends I don't see often for help and prayer, sat with them outside the cafeteria and told them the majority of what's been going on. But there's one detail I continuously leave out, the most important and what I'm so ashamed of. I can't tell a soul. It's between me and God. But I hope it would heal, because it stings so bad.

Lust is no longer an issue, this is.

I want peace.

I want joy.

Nothing I do is finding it, I feel so much like Soloman, "Everything is meaningless"
Only God can give me what I want, take the pieces of who I am and make me whole. But I don't feel Him anymore...

I've broken. I'm beyond my limit. I bawled my eyes out on the bus to everyone pestering me, asking "What's wrong?" to my response of "It's none of your concern."

This is between me and the Lord. But I need help. I can't go on like this. I have no one to help me out anymore. Even if people are praying...it just feels useless. I know my youth group is praying too...but nothing comforts me anymore.

Any Verses you can give me to make it through the day would be so helpful...
I can't do this anymore, not on my own.

I don't know how to explain the destruction I feel within...
I didn't want to break and fall, but here I am. I don't hate anyone but myself. I can't face it...
I'm so cold and dead inside.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of lying and running away.

Lord Jesus, where are You?

You're my only hope now, don't abandon me now....

[color="black"]....I'm such a failure....[/color]

[K. Ayato]

This isn't Scripture, but it's something you can read and listen to. It's "Storm" by Lifehouse. I'll put a link up to the audio file after the lyrics.


How long have I
Been in this storm
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see You
Everything will be alright
If I'd see you
This darkness will turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't
Bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
'Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything will be alright
If I see you
This darkness will turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright

http://www.lifehousefans.com/mp3/storm17.mp3 It's not the version on the CD, but it was the best one I could find.

[Kiku]

you said that you want help, yet you cant look at Kit and me in the eyes and explain anything?

Did you see how much you hurt Kit today? She was bawling, just around the corner from you, worrying sick. I tried to comfort her, but you know taht it didn't work.

i was worrying like crazy, and it hurt when you turned away from Kit and me. Why did you do it? Why?

We're your friends, but you cant come to us for help? Whenever Kit or I need help, we turn to each other.

Remember last year, when Kit watched that movie on suicide, and she couldn't stop crying about it? We were there for her, and we helped her the best we could. Did you forget that?

Or, the time when her sis wanted to commite suicide? She turned to you first before me, and you helped her more then I ever could.

And when you lost Travis, you came to us for help and comfort, and we did our best for you. How come you could come to us for help then, and not now?

We all have our ups and downs, but that doesnt mean that you can't turn to us, does it?

And you know what would happen if you commited suicide? Do you?

Ill tell you:
1) You would automatically go straight to hell- due to breaking one of the ten commandments

2) You would hurt so many people

3) Kit wouldn't survive three seconds once she found out, and she would do the same

4) I would be alone in life, due to Kit and you being gone forever

5) I would turn away from god forever, and my life would fall apart

But, please, give me a real reason as to why you can't ask me, let alone Kit, for help on your issue(s)?

Kit left early because you said that to her, and I didn't eat anything at lunch because I was worried about the both of you.

I couldn't think straight, and ask Nate and Yahshua! I talked to them on chat, they can tell you right from the start!

And, if you said that we can't comfort you, then why are you asking for verses from the bible to help you? Isn't it the same thing?

Okami, please, stop thinking this way, please. I'm begging you.

I couldn't contact Kit all day, and i've been worried sick. And then there's you, who pushed me and Kit away, as if we were trash, unneeded in the world.

I know this must be alot for you, and it's probably putting so much pressure on you, but you need to know... NOW.

Not tommorrow, not next year, NOW.

Because, tommorrow might just be too late for anything.

[K. Ayato]

Although I don't agree that you'll go to Hell if you decide to end your life, I do believe that God will still let you in Heaven, although He may be very hurt to find out you decided to kill yourself.

Kiku is right, though. If you do decide to shut yourself away from those who love and care about you and want to help, it's only going to cause more pain. Not just for you, but for them, because they'll get the idea that you no longer care. Maybe you do care, but your actions are expressing the opposite.

I don't know all of what you're going through, Okami, but I'm getting the impression that you're trying to handle a load that's heavier than your own strength can manage. I admire your determination, but sometimes you have to step back, swallow your pride, and admit that you can't do it on your own.

Your friends here on CAA care about you. Kiku and Kit care about you. We want to help any way we can. But only if you let us.

I found another song by Lifehouse. It's called "Broken".

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can't stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken laws were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
They're looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is the healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see whether you will throw my way
I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will
I will be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

[skylender]

The lord hates a quitter okami...do you really expect anyone to help you if you constantly brush them off? i'll pray for you...but no one will help you unless you let them...

[creed4]

Okami. I'm praying for you
Romans 8 is a powerful chapter,
Here are some lyrics to a song that helped me through a horrible time in my life

He Covers Me by Steve Camp

Oh Lord, I feel so barren and ashamed of who I am
How I often felt I hid it well, it is a lie I cannot defend
So I lean upon Your mercy as I confess my sin to You
There is no easy way, no saving face, when I finally see the truth
So let my life be filled with only You

Chorus:
I know someday I will be free
The weight of sin shall be released
But for now He covers me
And though the trials never end
I've learned to take them as my friend
For each day He covers me

Sometimes the pressure builds around me and I feel about to break
I suffer painfully from wrongs done to me but vengeance isn't mine to take
So let me glory in my weakness till Your strength's revealed in me
It is Your grace alone that helps me carry on to be the man I long to be
So let Your life be perfected, Lord in me
Until it's You they see

CHORUS
And though heartache surrounds me
I know Your love is around me
Nothing can separate me from You
And I know it's true

[Kitsune]

Oh God pal I don't know what to say...other than why? Why havent you talked to me about this, you know you can always e-mail me, call me, what ever the heck you need to to get ahold of me! I care about you so much your not just hurting yourself anymore it's hurting me! It's like Kiku said, after you pushed us away this morning I cried, I cried because I love you and I don't understand why you wont talk to me, we've practically been sisters for years now. Heck my whole family loves you like you were one of us! And I know I could have been more asseritive in finding what was wrong but can't you understand, can't you see how scared I've been. I've lost so many I love to the horror of depression, I became frightened that I would lose you too, and I didn't know what to do since you wouldn't talk to me. Please just talk to me, I'm trying I really am to help, why do you think I wanted to have a get together every wednesday? And where do you think that idea came from, don't you think it was a little odd that it came out of knowhere? I'll tell you where it came from, God. God put that on my heart, he wants me to reach out and help you and I will if only you let me in. It's like Kiku said you were the first person I turned to when M...you know. And now you'll be the first to know something else, Ryu may be sinking that way too, ever so slightly, she's been having anxiety attacks latly, and it hurts more than you know to watch my two best friends sinking, and most likely pulling me down too. But here's the thing, Satan hasn't bested me yet and as long as I stand strong I wil pull you and Ryu back, as long as the two of you lean to me for support, I can't do a darn thing If you won't let me, but I'm here and willing to help. Just let me. I love you and that will never change.

By the way, I left school cuz my med's backfired and screwed with my tummy, ended up throwing up right after first hour.

[CrimsonRyu17]

This post is directed to Kiku and skylender first, and Okami second.

Y'know, I don't think putting more pressure on someone is very helpful. In fact, it almost seems like you're putting a lot of guilt on her. "God hates a quitter." Yeah, nice helpful advice right there. She's hating herself and you're only giving her another reason to hate herself more. Surely you see the pain she's in. You don't damage the wound to heal it. You don't tear people down if you want to build them up.

And 'Kami, I know how you feel. I really do. I'm not just saying this to make you feel better. I'm not just saying this to be a good christian. But let me say one thing here. Christ is the only way, the only scarred hand out to grab yours, the only heart that would ever love you as much as He does. The smoke is heavy and the fire is blazing, but don't give up on Him. Don't ever think that you should just let go of His hand because you feel unworthy and useless. Everyone has trials they have to go through and they either fall or hang on. You hang on. Let Him grab you out of that pitt of dispair, pain, hatred, and misery.

I may not have known you but for so long, but I do know that you do care and that you are far more faithful to Him than I am. Which means you must be going through one heck of a rough time. My prayers are with you. And don't you let go.

[Denimcat]

I don't really have advice to offer, but do know that you'll be in my prayers.

And I don't want to stir up trouble here, but some things must be said. 1, God does not hate anybody, and it's not only completely incorrect but also rather unhelpful to say so. And 2, breaking a commandment does not make you go to hell. Just as failing to honor your mother and father doesn't condemn you, nor does taking your own life, no matter how wrong it is. Salvation is determined by your faith in God and nothing else.

So yes.... Praying for you, Okami. And can we please try to be a little more considerate with these responses? : /

[Kiku]

That's how i learned it.

if you commited suicide, you would automatically go. taht was the only one that automatically did it to ya.

then again, that is what i learned...

srry if it was too harsh... ^^;

[RedMage]

Ill tell you:
1) You would automatically go straight to hell- due to breaking one of the ten commandments

You and I and each and every one of us have sinned and broken the ten commandments. The Bible never says suicides automatically go to hell. Suicide is a sin, but the only sin that guarantees hell is dieing without accepting Christ's payment of the penalty you deserve.

That's how i learned it.

if you commited suicide, you would automatically go. taht was the only one that automatically did it to ya.

then again, that is what i learned...

srry if it was too harsh... ^^;

I don't know where you learned it, but it was wrong.

The lord hates a quitter okami

The Lord I know doesn't hate anyone.

Okami, I'm praying for you.

[Kiku]

yes... thank you priest for lying to me

...i feel so loved

im sorry, but im sticking with what i learned

[RedMage]

yes... thank you priest for lying to me

...i feel so loved

im sorry, but im sticking with what i learned

Don't take anything a priest or anyone else teaches you for granted. Study the Bible and see if what you're told matches up with what God really says. If your priest told you that you automatically go to hell for breaking one of the ten commandments, he's missed the point of Christianity entirely and he knows nothing about it.

Ask your priest sometime if Samson went to hell. If he's thought of it at all, he'll probably make up some reason why what Samson did wasn't really suicide. Of course, since the idea that suicide guarantees hell is completely man's invention with no support in the Bible, he can make up whatever nuances and exceptions in it he likes. But you still won't find it in the Bible.

I'm not trying to come down hard on you or make you feel bad, but the last thing a person in Okami's situation needs is someone feeding them lies, even unintentionally, and I'm particularly sensitive to this right now because I've already come up against this un-Biblical "suicide guarantees hell" idea once in the past week and I find it a repulsive insult to the God I know.

You may think you're giving your friend a reason not to commit suicide by threatening her with hell, but all you're really doing is telling her that the God she should be turning to for help with her problems is cold and merciless.

[Kiku]

well, i can't help it if that's how ive learned things, is it?

my parents live by it too, so i can't do anything about it

[CrimsonRyu17]

yes... thank you priest for lying to me

...i feel so loved

im sorry, but im sticking with what i learned

Some people learn that God never existed and they're just filthy beings unworthy of life.

Doesn't mean it's true.

[Kiku]

geez, i learned what i learned, so stop bothering me about it, k?

[RedMage]

geez, i learned what i learned, so stop bothering me about it, k?

When what you learned is a lie and you're harming others by spreading it, no, I will not leave you alone.

You learned what you learned and that's the end of it, eh? So because your priest told you something, you'll just accept it blindly for the rest of your life?

Christianity is about a relationship with God directly, one-on-one, where you learn about Him yourself, not a second-hand relationship where you learn about Him through a priest or any other go-between. Pastors, priests, whatever, all of them are supposed to instruct us, but we should be checking what they tell us against God's infallible word, not taking their word for it.

[Kiku]

fine, then i just wont post on here, if i know people wont leave me alone with who i am!

[RedMage]

fine, then i just wont post on here, if i know people wont leave me alone with who i am!

If it means you won't be using this forum as a platform to feed a deeply troubled person pernicious misinformation about the God who wants to help her, then it's for the best that you won't be posting here anymore.

You can be who you are and be wrong all you like, you're not hurting anyone but yourself then. But I'm not going to sit idly by while you try to damage others with your misconception.

[CrimsonRyu17]

Amen, RedMage. Amen.

[Kiku]

this is why i hate others so much... cuz they dont care...

[Kitsune]

Listen RedMage, I realize you are trying to show Kiku that she was wrong in the regards of her first statment, and whereas I agree, you are pressuring her with knew information too fast, I for one know it's hard to be serious about a faith I grew up with that I fallowed because my family did. It's hard to break away from that and create your own personal relationship. Kiku is still in the early stages of this, and pressuring her is not helping. If your worried about her getting the facts right, don't be my family and I know her in real life and are there to help guide her, as much as I appreaciet you trying to help her, I think it's best we drop this subject for now.

[Kiku]

thanks kit

*huggles*

[RedMage]

this is why i hate others so much... cuz they dont care...

On the contrary, I care about you a great deal. I think it's tragic you've been misguided by people you trust who claim to speak for God. But right now I care about your suicidal friend a lot more, and what you're doing isn't helping her.

[RedMage]

Listen RedMage, I realize you are trying to show Kiku that she was wrong in the regards of her first statment, and whereas I agree, you are pressuring her with knew information too fast, I for one know it's hard to be serious about a faith I grew up with that I fallowed because my family did. It's hard to break away from that and create your own personal relationship. Kiku is still in the early stages of this, and pressuring her is not helping. If your worried about her getting the facts right, don't be my family and I know her in real life and are there to help guide her, as much as I appreaciet you trying to help her, I think it's best we drop this subject for now.

If this subject just came up by chance, If there wasn't literally a life at stake, I wouldn't be so forceful. But my intent right now isn't to change Kiku's mind by "pressuring" her or any other means. My intent is to expose the misinformation she's spreading for what it is so that it can't hurt Okami. I hope and pray that Kiku will realize what she's been told isn't the truth later on, but that's not my concern at the moment. And yes, I am offended by her "Why does everybody have to kill my buzz by challenging my lies about God, it's so uncool that they can't just leave me alone" attitude.

[skylender]

The Lord I know doesn't hate anyone.

God hates evil, to give in to temptation and give up is not of the lord.

Y'know, I don't think putting more pressure on someone is very helpful.

Putting more pressure on her? you want me to sugar coat it? ok how does this sound:

okami, god wants you to stop believing in him, he wants you to give up and commit suicide, he wants you to follow satan and surrender, he definitly wants you to feel sorry and hateful.

better?

She's hating herself and you're only giving her another reason to hate herself more

.

She pushes those who care about her away... Then she complains about people not wanting to be near her..

Surely you see the pain she's in. You don't damage the wound to heal it. You don't tear people down if you want to build them up.

There's alot of crap happening in my life right now, but i'm not complaining, i'm praising god.

You and I and each and every one of us have sinned and broken the ten commandments. The Bible never says suicides automatically go to hell. Suicide is a sin, but the only sin that guarantees hell is dieing without accepting Christ's payment of the penalty you deserve.

Hey red mage, i never knew you ask for forgiveness when you die...

[Kiku]

amen to that, jay jay ^^

[Kitsune]

Very well I acknowlege that I was wrong in that aspect, however I think now it's time to turn back to what this thread was originally created for and that is helping Okami.

By the way did you perchance see my earlier post to Okami on here, I know I posted but I can't find it...

[Denimcat]

this is why i hate others so much... cuz they dont care...

Actually, all of us do care. We began objecting to what you said because we care about Okami, because the previous comments were incredibly unhelpful at best and completely false at worst. I personally felt I just couldn't let it go by without saying something, because the replies were only going to make Okami feel worse. I couldn't sit here and say nothing when I read things that I firmly believe to be completely innacurate, and that could easily depress the original poster even more, to boot.

No one was rude to you, intentionally or otherwise. I understand that this is a very emotional time for you due to being worried for your friend's wellbeing, but please refrain from venting your frustration at others who politely disagree with you.

I advise we all just drop this discussion, lest the thread get locked. That's not what Okami needs.

[Kitsune]

Wait...Is that Jayjay as in Devi Jay Jay?