Mining for Freedom ch1

[martinloyola]

finished writing this a few months ago, (my book that is) and I feel like my first few chapters are real weak, so, I am looking for some ideas to get the story off the ground better

[martinloyola]

ummmm, is anybody reading this?, at all? I really do need people to read it, even if its crap, at least then I'd know if it was crap or not, right now I haven't the foggiest about the impression its making

[churchgirl111]

any possible way I can paste this and make corrections that I deem necessary then you can review them and see what you think???

[churchgirl111]

ok nevermind...too long...
big suggestion: no -ly verbs...it kills the showing portion of a book and more into telling...like "the person suprisingly began to throw a kick and barely missed the train." kill the ly's...
also when your doing dialogue I see you tend to do "he said/ she said" try not to do so much said instead have your character give an action...
ex. "What do ya want?" said Kael angrily and pulled out his sword." into "what do ya want?" Kael barked, pulling out his sword. both have the same dialogue but cut out said which can add to length and be monotonuous...and when i have time to read the rest of your chapter I'll let ya know if I think of anything!
Hope i wasn't offensive or anything???^^"

[martinloyola]

Not at alll offensive, IN FACT its exactly what I've been wanting, critical anylization,
I agree with your diagnosis doctor, I certainly will take it into consideration as a I re-edit my material, including the later chapters, keep in mind though that I wrote this over the span of six years and my writing (hopefully) progressed through the years, that's why I want to take the first half at least to the woodshed and take em apart
Thanx a mil churchgirl

[churchgirl111]

:d ^_^ No Prob!!!!!!

[churchgirl111]

:d ^_^ No Prob!!!!!!