Aegis Emblem

[~darkelfgirl~]

I finally broke out of my writer's block! That block has been on me for months...anyways, hope you enjoy this short story. Note: "aegis" is latin for defense or guardianship. in this story, I took the word out of context by using it as a name.

Chaos. Raging flames danced with glee while thick, gray smoke permeated the air. The clash of metal and cries of warriors rang through the dark night. “Spare no humans—the order of our liege!!!â€

[~darkelfgirl~]

His heart stopping, Arden’s hands dropped limp to his sides. Vera watched in awe. On the man’s breastplate was an emblem engraved in silver—a falcon holding a sword.

“An Aegis,â€

[Esoteric]

Hmm, an interesting beginning. I like your descriptions very much. The action was very clear...until the transition. It took me a little bit to realize that the Aegis had died and that the people were talking over his body. Perhaps the reason it wasn't obvious to me, was because the Aegis had seemed to victoriously end the battle and the black-out came before I really had any idea that it had in fact, continued. A little bit of clarification should do the trick, but I like your idea a great deal! It sounds promising.

[~darkelfgirl~]

The action was very clear...until the transition. It took me a little bit to realize that the Aegis had died and that the people were talking over his body. Perhaps the reason it wasn't obvious to me, was because the Aegis had seemed to victoriously end the battle and the black-out came before I really had any idea that it had in fact, continued.

Thanks!
yeh, i gotta fix that transition. what actually happened was that the Aegis saved them, then the Specter (the bad guy) appeared behind him. the Aegis knocks out the kids to protect them and he and the Specter fight.

[~darkelfgirl~]

The black scars of conflict stretched over the entire village. The grim, dark hand of war had spared no section of the plundered community—there lay charred remains of the inferno that broke out in the village’s center, the market.

Solemn survivors removed lifeless warriors from the streets; wives and mothers clothed in sackcloth wept openly, and embracing their dead loved ones, they cried out to the gray, cloudy sky above.

The carcasses of beasts and servants of the Specter were piled and burned on a lonely hill on the outskirts of the village; only piles of ashes remained, releasing wisps of putrid smoke.
-------------
My world seemed to cave in around me. Of course, I knew the day would come, because it was swaying on the edge of imminent disaster.

I lay motionless for hours on a flat mattress on the floor, staring out the window, which revealed a gloomy sky as if the firmament itself was about to mourn.

Despite this, all I could see was the limp body of a silver-haired man, sprawled onto the ground. His dilated, gold eyes were open but they saw nothing; a long wound stretched across his pale face, which was faced in my direction, his expression melancholy.

I had observed these features while I lay on the leafy ground after awaking from unconsciousness…

[color=black]I was plagued with utter confusion and strange sorrow—for the man.[/color]

[color=black][/color][color=black]How did he know we were in trouble? Why did he stare at me…as if…[/color]

“Arden.â€

[~darkelfgirl~]

A decade later:

Parrying his attack, our stakes collided with force, casting flakes of bark airborne.

I smirked while we both held our ground.

We glared at each other for a moment, and then the man broke the silent bond of our stakes. He rapidly swung his weapon onto mine, overcoming my strength, placing his stake above mine.

Oh yeah, it’s on now! I thought.

I swiftly removed my stake from under his and he quickly sprang back. We circled each other, weapons ready, giving each other taunting looks.

He laughed evilly.

Recklessly with advanced speed, I dealt him a series of blows, which he blocked in return, retreating backwards. Getting exhausted, I moved away from him; however, he returned with vengeance, giving me blows of equal force.

After his series of attacks, we returned to our silent stances of equal force, stakes against each other, weary from our rash efforts to defeat one another.

“I guess we’re of equal skill,â€

[Esoteric]

The story is moving along quickly. You have an excellent vocabulary of descriptive words too, most of them work very well. This sentence confused me however:

All of my psychological aspects started to change with sudden energy.

psychological aspects? In what way did they change--when he wakes, up later he doesn't seem much different. I think a little more description here should do the trick. And i would greatly like to see you add a few more of this thoughts about the encounter before jumping ahead ten years. For instance... does he tell anyone about it? Does he decide it was all a dream...or is he aware of any immediate change when he wakes up? It made me very curious, but the scene felt cut just a little short.
The "Ten years in the future" section read pretty well as it is. But I did wonder if there was a specific reason why Arden was so curious about the Aegi.

[~darkelfgirl~]

This sentence confused me however:psychological aspects? In what way did they change--when he wakes, up later he doesn't seem much different. I think a little more description here should do the trick.

Whoa. Thanks for catching that . hmmm...

And i would greatly like to see you add a few more of this thoughts about the encounter before jumping ahead ten years. For instance... does he tell anyone about it? Does he decide it was all a dream...or is he aware of any immediate change when he wakes up? It made me very curious, but the scene felt cut just a little short. ]
yeh.....i think he should tell...maybe he will later... have to think about that

The "Ten years in the future" section read pretty well as it is. But I did wonder if there was a specific reason why Arden was so curious about the Aegi.

Its just that the Aegi are legendary and few have seen them i guess

Thanks so much for reading and finding those mistakes!!! Right now i'm kinda shaken up from learning to drive for the first time. i'm literally shaking!:dizzy:
P.S. the excellent vocab is from the thesaurus hehe

[~darkelfgirl~]

The silence was overwhelming!

I nervously followed the two hooded, solemn men in the wake of their flurrying cloak hems.

I wonder where they’re taking me.

I shivered.

Few people filled the village’s moonlit cobble streets, for fear of being assaulted by wayward beasts seeking thrill. These people curiously observed us as we passed by.

The silent men led me to a dim, dead end lit only by a lonely streetlamp, whose golden flame flickered in an occasional breeze. Halting, they turned towards me. Even though I couldn’t see their eyes, I could feel their glares burning into my face.

[font=Times New Roman][size=100]“So…â€

[Anna Mae]

I like how, in the beginning, the narration is in third-person. It effectively contributes to the feel of the scene in addition to aiding the incorporation of information.

It seems odd that, ten years later, Arden would make the connection of the Aegi so quickly, unless one attributes it to his specialness.

Bent over a kettle, undistressed Warren, with a wooden spoon stirred its contents, which simmered over the flames and filled the room with a savory aroma.

This sentence is clumsy, particularly the part about the spoon. I would suggest revising it.

I suspected your use of the Thesaurus. Be careful about overusing it, because sometimes than can make one's writing awkward. For example, I look up "awkward" in the thesaurus. For a synonym I see "discommodious". What a nice, big word. However, I look it up in the dictionary and see that it means "to cause inconvenience to; disturb, trouble, or bother." So, it wouldn't have worked for me to substitute it for "awkward" in my sentence. Oftentimes thesaurus synonyms have different uses or connotations than the original word.

How did you choose the names for the cloaked figures? I must admit, I was not expecting to see the name of a 19th century American author.

Arden's encounter with the Aegi seemed fine to me. And, while I do not think that Arden's anger at his brother is too sudden, the indication of it to the reader is. Perhaps you could mention it earlier on in the conversation, still having it overflow at the time it does.

I look forward to reading more.

[~darkelfgirl~]

It seems odd that, ten years later, Arden would make the connection of the Aegi so quickly, unless one attributes it to his specialness.

yeh. i made a mistake on the part that said his psychological aspects changed. i made him normal after he received the power


"Bent over a kettle, undistressed Warren, with a wooden spoon stirred its contents, which simmered over the flames and filled the room with a savory aroma."

This sentence is clumsy, particularly the part about the spoon. I would suggest revising it.

yeh. i'll make it two separate sentences instead.

I suspected your use of the Thesaurus. Be careful about overusing it, because sometimes than can make one's writing awkward. For example, I look up "awkward" in the thesaurus. For a synonym I see "discommodious". What a nice, big word. However, I look it up in the dictionary and see that it means "to cause inconvenience to]
i'll be careful.

How did you choose the names for the cloaked figures? I must admit, I was not expecting to see the name of a 19th century American author.

Hawthorne? I actually got his name from the plant and added an e. I like using unorthodox names for characters, like Blanc (not like i'll name my future child that though).

Arden's encounter with the Aegi seemed fine to me. And, while I do not think that Arden's anger at his brother is too sudden, the indication of it to the reader is. Perhaps you could mention it earlier on in the conversation, still having it overflow at the time it does.

i'll do that

Thanks so much for the critiques!:)

[~darkelfgirl~]

You know when you get a lot of story ideas you start slacking off on the one you're working on? its happening to me. *sigh*

It was the twilight hour before the dawn. I was wide awake due to the fact that I had tossed and turned with insomnia during the night.
I can’t believe this is happening to me.
All I could envision through the dark were the two cloaked Aegi, and constantly, the body of the dead Aegi, Alandar, his unseeing eyes gazing sadly upon my petrified face.
Something about this man bothers me. There’s just something strange about him…

----------------------------------------------

My belongings were packed—the few clothes I owned, a small, wooden sculpture of a fairy I made, a razor, and a family portrait of Warren, Vera, and me. My sword, in its rough, leather sheath, was secured to a belt, fastened to my waist.
Vera, in the doorway of my room, had silently watched me prepare, a wistful expression on her face.

--------------------------------------


Just before sunrise, in our little living room, we said our emotional farewells.
[font=Times New Roman][size=100]Vera gave me a tearful hug, unable to say words. Warren, face full of regret, approached me and said, “I’m sorry for what I said…â€

[Anna Mae]

[quote]“It’s Mom’s. I thought you would want this-â€

[~darkelfgirl~]

thanks for reading and spotting those silly mistakes, Anna! I have yet to fix the others hehe

[USSRGirl]

Love your story, Darkelf. You create a very vivid world and characters that are easy to get into.

[quote="darkelfgirl"]“It’s Mom’s. I thought you would want this-â€

[~darkelfgirl~]

Thanks for reading, USSRGirl who is not my boss *looks around nervously while coughing*

That sentence was better than the one I came up with so I'll use it!! Yep, Arden has a long life ahead of him...tsk tsk

[Anna Mae]

Wait, what now?

[~darkelfgirl~]

Wait, what now?

About me being a minion (now former) of USSRGirl (and pretending not to be

associated with her) or the sentence she

suggested?

[Anna Mae]

About me being a minion (now former) of USSRGirl

[~darkelfgirl~]

Anna Mae: USSRGirl hired me on one of my old posts and then fired me when I insulted her crush. Then I joined forces with her archenemy. Just an RP history lesson, hehe.


To everyone else: I'm stuck on a part of Aegis, so I need to take a break from this story to refresh. Right now I'm working on a graphic novel while contemplating Aegis . The prelude will be on here very soon (Shadow of X-Dawn: Memoir of Gen Mercury). It's very "emo" if you want to call it that.

[USSRGirl]

Anna, Yeah... what she said... long story ending in a brutal goof off civil war.

Oookay, moving on to literary discussion... ^___^;;... Aww, hope you get a burst of creativity on Aegis soon. In the meantime, I look forward to reading the emoness of your latest story. Emo = good!

[~darkelfgirl~]

Ok, I'm back! I finally overcame the dreadful block (Glory Hallelujah)...so here's some more of Aegis... Oh yeh, I made some corrections on the previous posts (with many thanks to those who pointed out mistakes--you know who you are!). P.S.: "Gothic" is a style of architecture, not the modern definition.

I was getting accustomed to being a falcon and the exhilarating view of below and beyond. A few times I faltered, but I quickly regained the lost altitude.


Hawthorne and Blanc conversed amongst themselves while I flew ahead of them. I guess they don’t want to spoil my first experience, I thought.

The wind rustled through my feathers. However, it did not sting my eyes because of a strange, invisible flap—an eyelid, I guess—that kept dust from my eyes.

Just when I thought the beautiful, vast sea of green and brown would continue forever, a grey blur appeared on the horizon. As we flew closer, the grey blemish turned into the tallest tower of what appeared to be a massive gothic cathedral.

[font=Times New Roman][size=100]“Fallienne,â€

[USSRGirl]

Yay! It's back! XD I like how well you captured Arden's viewpoint as a falcon - even his landing (aw, poor guy!). Now for ebil Temmy gammar-rangering crit of doOoOoOom just to bug my enemy!!

Indent/new paragraph every time a new speaker talks if I remember correctly (you left that out the first time Arden speaks).

Also, your word choice with "throbbing" sounds odd in this part: "The top of his long rugged scar throbbed on his forehead." It just gave me the impression of a pulsating brain for some reason. O.o;; I'm not sure if that was intentional or just my weird imagination. Maybe "shook" or "wrinkled"/"furrowed" would go better?

Hmm... wonder what he'll find inside the cathedral.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Yay! It's back! XD I like how well you captured Arden's viewpoint as a falcon - even his landing (aw, poor guy!). Now for ebil Temmy gammar-rangering crit of doOoOoOom just to bug my enemy!!

Indent/new paragraph every time a new speaker talks if I remember correctly (you left that out the first time Arden speaks).

Also, your word choice with "throbbing" sounds odd in this part: "The top of his long rugged scar throbbed on his forehead." It just gave me the impression of a pulsating brain for some reason. O.o;; I'm not sure if that was intentional or just my weird imagination. Maybe "shook" or "wrinkled"/"furrowed" would go better?

Hmm... wonder what he'll find inside the cathedral.

Thanks and thanks for the critiques oh enemy/in-law!

Ok, I'll do the indent thing ^^

Yeh...the throbbing thing does sound like a brain hmmm....I have to think about that part, hehe. I think I'll use "furrowed".

[~darkelfgirl~]

I apologize for this setup being a bit weird...it's my first day after the upgrade, hehe.
For some weird reason I can't edit my work that I posted before the upgrade...


I stared, unblinking, at the towering statue while Hawthorne and Blanc walked off. Looking back and noticing my expression, Blanc called out to me, “Planning to follow us, Arden?”

“Oh—yeah,” I quickly stammered, but slowly backed away, eyes still on the statue. I grabbed my satchel off the ground, tossed it onto my shoulder, and caught up with them.

In the courtyard were various other statues that glistened in the sunlight—fairies, men, women, strange animals, and falcons—but none were as magnificent as the Aegis.

It was easy to underestimate the size of Fallienne from above. From the ground, the spire-towers loomed over us, casting large, long shadows over the courtyard. As we headed towards the dome, our footsteps reverberated through the area as we walked off the grass and onto the marble tiles.

The entrance of the dome was two large, black double doors. As we approached them, I noticed shiny, intricate runes engraved in the black stone. At the top of the door in engraved large letters, the markings were translated:

THOSE BLESSED WITH FALCON’S WING, ENTER HEREIN.

Hawthorne placed his hand where the knob-less doors met each other. He inhaled, and with a whisper said, “I seek entrance, I am blessed.”

With a long groan from the hinges, the door slowly swung open. Light from the outside rushed into the dark-filled dome, but it only lightened the room to a bare dim. A circle of luminous colors shone on the dark floor, illuminating what appeared to be a dais. I immediately realized that the colossal mosaic I had seen from aerial view was indeed a stain glass skylight.

As soon as Hawthorne’s foot hit the threshold, a flurry of blue lights swooshed along the walls and floors of the interior. When we stepped inside, I tightened my grip on my satchel strap, my heartbeat pounding. The source of the blue lights came from candles in glass spheres, which nestled in many alcoves in the stone wall. Thousands were also placed beside and below the raised marble path on which we were walking.

As we neared the dais, the silhouette of an immense figure in the far reaches of the room emerged; with piercing blue eyes, it stared in our direction.

“What’s that?” I asked, breaking the silence. Hawthorne and Blanc, who were in front of me, remained reverently silent. They stopped as they reached the dais, staring up at the shadowed figure. I stopped behind them, confused.

Moments passed and they did not budge. “Hawthorne? Blanc?” A chill ran up my spine. “What’s going on?”

The moment I asked that question, a dazed feeling rushed over me, as if I was falling asleep on my feet with my eyes opened. I put my hand to my forehead and fell onto my knees, dropping my satchel.

Fear coiled in the pit of my stomach and goose bumps prickled my cold skin. It seemed as if the room was getting gradually brighter…

I thought I was hallucinating. I gazed up towards the shadowed figure; it was now mysteriously lit—as if it was the source of the new light. A large statue of a man—the same armor clad Aegis from the courtyard, to my surprise—stood proudly with his hand outstretched, where a wingspread falcon sat.

A strange breeze flourished in the room, brushing my face and sending my hair into my eyes; Hawthorne and Blanc’s hair rustled, but still they did not move.

The blue-gem eyes of the Aegis were getting brighter—along with the light of the room, blinding me. I squinted, and then closed my eyes…

[Esoteric]

I don't really have any comments at this time, but I just wanted to say that I've been lurking in this thread and am pleased that you've been able to keep it up. I'm curious to see where your story is going.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Ah, Eso! You've returned---I thought you abandoned me.
Thanks! I'm trying not to make this fall like my previous attempts on other stories.

P.S. I've seen your Work Bench Epic website--it's awesome : )

[Esoteric]

Ah, Eso! You've returned---I thought you abandoned me.
Thanks! I'm trying not to make this fall like my previous attempts on other stories.

P.S. I've seen your Work Bench Epic website--it's awesome : )

Yeah, I've been around CAA, but I've been too busy to post in more than a handful of threads. I guarantee though that if you keep writing, I'll keep reading and hopefully be able to provide some feedback in the near future. ...And thanks for checking out my site! Glad you liked it. ^_^

[USSRGirl]

Good cliff-hanger, nemesis! I wonder what'll happen next.


(Notices Darkelf's siggy... Heeeeeeeey. o`___O)

[~darkelfgirl~]

Eso: Yeh...I since it's near the end of my summer break, things have just been coming up...things I procrastinated on...

USSRGirl: Thanks!

Hehe, don't you just love the siggy?