Unexpected Grief

[ClosetOtaku]

I lost... a friend? No... maybe, a memory, this week, even though it was six years ago that it really happened.

Confused? Then you feel like I do.

Let me start the story over 30 years ago, in elementary school. There was girl named Shannon who I attended school with, on and off, during my elementary school years (we had two sets of each grade, so some years we would be in the same class, others we wouldn't).

Shannon was a very bright girl, somewhat outgoing. We had one thing in common: we were born on the same day. This was made particularly evident in 3rd Grade, when our teacher, Ms. Gibson, would draw pieces of paper from a box to assign classroom jobs. She did it by birthdate (so that we would memorize our birthdays, I suppose) -- and when she drew our birthdate, Shannon and I would look at each other and yell out "Which one?"

We continued going to classes, nothing special between us (yuck - girls, etc.). But these memories have ways of coming back...

We attended the same Junior High School, but had no classes in common -- the classes were broken down by our language choices, mine was Spanish, hers was French, so we did not have any further school connection.

I remember -- almost vividly -- the day close to the end of the school year when I saw her for the last time -- she had stopped in the hallway while I was at my locker. She was moving (to South Carolina, it turned out). She said goodbye. I waved and wished her luck. And that was that.

Over the next few years, I heard a couple blurbs about her -- she's doing fine, she went to college, she was in acting or modeling -- through some hometown acquaintances who kept track of such things. For a number of years, I heard nothing, and the few people who'd been in touch with her fell from my radar screen as well.

Now, every once in a while, I'll just randomly contact somebody I once knew, just to see how things are. It's kind of fun, and sometimes people actually remember who you are (as opposed to the ones who are nice about the fact that you never registered in their conscience). I'd always played with the idea of contacting Shannon, if I could find her. I thought we might have a laugh about our birthdates, catch up a little, and then say goodbye, this time probably for good. But I couldn't think of a place to start.

Last Thursday night, I went to sleep and had a dream. I dreamt of a new Google map feature that would allow you to see any city, not only as it was now, but as it was in any given year in the past. You could even roll the mouse over a house on the "satellite photo" and see who lived there at the time.

I woke up. At 1:30 AM, I decided I had to get up and see if I could find Shannon. Don't ask me why her of all the hundreds or thousands of people I've known and lost track of in my lifetime. She was the first person who came to mind.

I knew two pieces of information: her first name, and her birthdate. Women's last names, of course, are always dicey for searches because they often change due to marriage, so I just typed in "Shannon" and our birthdate into Google.

I got hits. And there it was -- her full name (unmarried). A birth date. And a death date. It was a memorial site.

OK, I reasoned, she's got a fairly common last name, maybe this is just coincidence. But I also know that Obituaries are one of those things that are very available online. I searched the online obit from a local paper around the date of her death. I got a hit.

"...attended elementary and middle school in Carlisle, Pennsylvania..."

I'd found Shannon. She'd died in a motorcylce accident in 2001, riding with her fiance whom she would have married just a month later. She was 38. Some more searches -- some pictures from a website where she had worked in local theater. Black hair, high cheekbones, smile -- even after all these years, that was her. No doubt.

She had been a professor of French at a local, small college. She spent most of her spare time acting and directing in community theater. Many of the people who'd written anything about her lamented her loss.

OK, so, if you've read this far, maybe you can tell me: why would the passing of a person, who I haven't seen in almost 30 years, who I've thought about only infrequently, who I had no real personal or romantic connection to other than a birthdate and a few years of elementary school -- why would their passing give me a sense of grief and loss?

I've watched classmates grow up, get married, have children. A few have died -- mostly accidents, some disease. Many of my teachers and professors are retired, or have likewise passed away. Yet I can't recall one of them whose death has struck me like this.

Maybe it's the birthdate. Maybe it is the sense of impending mortality. Or survivor's guilt -- I've lived six more years than she did, day for day, what have I done with it? If she'd lived six more years, what greater things would she have done?

Or maybe it was that there was little mention of religious activities in her obit or any sort of bios -- no funeral mass, only a memorial service at a Universalist church -- the sobering thoughts of a life suddenly taken, the Thief in the Night -- was she ready?

RIP, Shannon. May the God of infinite mercy and grace bestow upon both you and I the forgiveness for what we have done and left undone throughout our lifetimes. And give me peace from this peculiar sense of unexpected grief that I just can't quite shake.

[K. Ayato]

*Hugs* I'm sorry you had to hear about her death in that way. I hope you're all right.

[ADXC]

Well, thats quite a story you have there. Yes it seems peculiar that you would feel that much grief from someone you hardly knew. I believe as you said is the birthdate that gives you this grief. She may have been in your subconscious like another life of yours. Since your birthdays were on the same day you felt that once you saw she was dead that part of you was destroyed. Of course thats just a theory, not that its a good one, but its the only one I can think of. Well Id say to just pray to God about this, maybe He will say something to you about this. And Im sorry about Shannon.

[Slater]

It's a sort of rememberance thing, that you were in the same place as she was in, and the realization that life is short now.

I know how it feels. One of my old classmates left the school, and his parents told us that he had died. It was sad. Then two weeks later we learned that was a "joke".

Weird people...

[Sammy Boy]

Maybe as a result of learning that you've lost someone you knew from school, you lost a part of yourself as well.

[EireWolf]

I think of it this way: She was a piece of your past, however small, and when you went looking for her you expected to find out what she's doing these days. It was a sudden shock to find that she is gone, that she's been dead for years.

I go looking for old school friends every now and then. I've found several on MySpace. So far I haven't found out that anyone I knew has died, but I imagine if I did that it would be a shock. I'm fairly young, and so are you -- too young to die naturally. So when someone our age dies, it makes us acutely aware of our own mortality.

My sister died suddenly in an accident a few years ago. She wasn't yet 30.

I think we know, cerebrally, that we could die at any time. But when it happens to someone we're connected with, we feel it rather than just knowing it. And when someone is gone from our lives, it feels... wrong. Like something is missing that should be there.

[termyt]

You definitely shared a connection. You were united by birthdate. It sounds a little strange, but it holds a special connection - like meeting someone you never met before in some far off land that just happens to be from your hometown, too. You imediately have something in common that no one else around you has.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope Shannon can rest in peace.

[TriezGamer]

I can relate. I too sometimes get in touch with people from my elementary and middle school years just to try and catch up on things. In one particularly bizarre case, I ran into an old friend at an anime convention, of all places. We were catching up on things (having had no interest in anime when we knew eachother as kids) and generally enjoying ourselves, when he suddenly stopped and asked me if I knew about Chuck.

Chuck was one of those guys that was always there, but never really had a strong presence. He was more than an aquaintance, but less than a friend. As I listened to my friend talk about Chuck, a lot of memories came back, but somehow his tone indicated that something was wrong. I was positive he was going to tell me Chuck had gotten involved in drugs or something, and it was making me kindof anxious.

Then he told me: As a Junior in high school, Chuck had put a gun to his own head and pulled the trigger. To this day, he says, no one really knows why -- his parents never suspected a thing, and neither did his classmates and friends.

And even though I hadn't ever really been friends with Chuck, when I found out about it, I too felt a sense of loss. I felt a similar, though less intense, feeling of loss when one of my highschool classmates' (one that I never even got along with) obituaries appeared in a local paper. She was killed when a logging truck failed to stop and slammed into her car in an intersection about 3 years after graduation.

I think part of the reason these things affect us is because it is a reminder of our mortality -- even those of us who feel secure in their afterlife often fear death, not because we're afraid to die in a spiritual sense, but because death itself is still a mystery.

[Azier the Swordsman]

If someone I only knew online were to pass away and I were to find out about it, I would be sad.

As a matter of fact, if an actor I really like passes away, I find myself feeling sad about it for a while as well.

Heck, even the passing away of certain fictional characters can make me depressed for a week.

Even though I've never met the people I chat online with daily (yet); even though I've never met the actors I enjoy and watch on a regular basis and know next to nothing about their personal lives whatsoever; even though these fictional characters don't even freaking exist; it's like, in a way, you still "know" them. They are/were important in your life at some point, and this isn't something that is uncommon as far as psychology is concerned.

[mitsuki lover]

Well the fact that she was still so young when she died could also be a part of it.

[Sapphire225]

I believe the reason you feel this way is because she was apart of your past. You've seen her enough times, and the fact that you were born very closely and the traits you shared were different, yet similar. I grieve over my older sister, even though I have never gotten the chance to know her. I only do that because my mother grieved over her. A teacher is older, but she wouldv'e been your age if she had lived to see today. But I believe that she is in a better place, where she is in God's loving embrace and she can be free from all corruption.

[ClosetOtaku]

First off, thanks to you all.

Some of you have had similar losses. Others have profound ideas or advice. I was going to try to reply to some of them... then all the messages... and it just turned out to be too much. Let me just say that I appreciate you opening up with your thoughts and feelings. Wisdom is not possessed only by the old (and, from what I've seen, there seems to be a definite lack of it amongst many of us 'chronologically advanced' folks).

I think you all have hit upon the keys -- Shannon was a part of my past (moreso than my present), and so long as she "lived" she was, in a sense, a touchstone to my childhood.

I've come to realize over the last few days that she was more than just a memory to me -- I remember liking her, and she moved away from my life before I really understood what relationships entailed -- the good and the bad, the sincere motives and annoying behaviors... in a sense, she was a pure image, a friend who never disappointed (because she was never given a chance to disappoint), an unsullied icon who left on good terms (and who I'd never really had the chance to disappoint either).

And we shared a birthday. The coach for the Wake Forest basketball team died suddenly the other day, and the first thing I remember thinking was, "How old was he?" (Answer: 56.) As I've grown older I start thinking of age in terms of yardsticks -- how close am I to my end? "Teach me to number my days aright, O Lord."

Update: On the advice of a trusted soul (my mom), I've written an e-mail to Shannon's mother; she is an elementary school teacher in South Carolina. I related my story and sent a photograph I had of our 4th Grade Class. I haven't received a response yet (I may not for a while, or never...), but I think my mom is right: parents want to know that their children will be remembered. That's how I found Shannon in the first place, from a lead at a memorial site. I hope the memories will be accepted in the spirit in which they were given.

So, the chapter is not quite yet closed. But I am getting that familiar feeling that, from this event too, it is almost time to move on. Thank you all for helping me do so.

[EireWolf]

[quote="ClosetOtaku"]Update: On the advice of a trusted soul (my mom), I've written an e-mail to Shannon's mother]

I can tell you that her mom will appreciate it very much. I know that when my sister died, it was very touching to me (and my parents) when we got letters from her old friends and acquaintances, especially when they shared some fond memory.

[mitsuki lover]

Have you also thought of contacting her fiance?I think if anyone would need to
be helped through a time like this it would be him.He probably also is suffering from
survivor guilt so he could use all the comfort people can give him.

[ClosetOtaku]

Have you also thought of contacting her fiance?I think if anyone would need to
be helped through a time like this it would be him.He probably also is suffering from
survivor guilt so he could use all the comfort people can give him.

I hadn't thought of contacting him, to be honest. While Shannon's family lived in Carlisle for many years (and it is even possible that I met her mom at one time or another, but just don't recall it), I can't think of too many commonalities between him and I. I would also be concerned if he had moved on to another relationship; furthermore, it appears he was driving the motorcycle, and the accident may have been his fault.

However, if I enter into any conversation with Shannon's mom over this, and she thinks that might be a good idea, I will try to contact him as well.

Thanks for making me think...

[ClosetOtaku]

Update: I have contacted Shannon's mom, and she e-mailed back. She was very pleasant and, thankfully, not upset by my e-mail. She has invited me to converse with her in the future.

Their family has lost touch with Shannon's fiance, so it is unlikely I will be communicating with him.

One final note: she does remember my name, and related an amusing story that I'd forgotten many years ago pertaining to Shannon and me. I wonder now if we might have met at some point, but I don't recall.

I'm normally risk averse, but in this case, I'm glad I reached out. I'm also thankful it was received well.

[EireWolf]

Oh good; I'm glad she contacted you. It's good to know your efforts were well-received.