Is it possible to be TOO selfless?

[Debitt]

Most of my life, I've had two simple goals:
1. Do God's will
2. Put others before myself and make them happy without want or need of praise.

I've worked so hard to try and keep these goals my priorities, and I guess you could say I've been semi-successful. But lately I've reached a point in my life where goal number 2 has been taking a serious toll on my mental and emotional well being. No, I'm not getting sick of serving others or anything like that, but it's gotten to the point where I can't STAND to take a moment for myself anymore. It's become a struggle for me to simply talk to someone and state my own opinion instead, or to ask someone for help with homework, or to talk about my likes and dislikes, because I feel like I'm being selfish. I'm even worried about making people unhappy by talking to them about my problems. I've bottled every emotion of mine up except for cheerfulness, and I know I've developed some very serious problems with handling guilt. I come down hard on myself anytime I do something that I deem "selfish", even if the person I feel I've been selfish to doesn't seem upset, which ends up dragging me down into a depression that I bottle up inside of me and hide behind a happy face.

Lately this has seriously been getting to me, and I can't help but cry every night and count the times I feel I've wronged someone. I can't come out to help myself, and it's difficult for me to come out and ask for advice (it's very hard for me to type this post...). I've prayed so many times I can find a way to overcome this, and now I can only wait for God to bring an answer to me.

[Shao Feng-Li]

kokoro, the only person who can truly help you with your hidden problems is god, and he wants to help you more than anything. but its important to tell others when youre troubled, and it isnt selfish. i dont like telling my problems, but i feel relieved if i do so. it takes courage in my case. keep prayer and your answer will come. i hope i helped some how, or at least ive typed some helpful advice. if anything id try to talk to true noir chloe. shes helped me a lot, and shes good to talk too

[Omega Amen]

I believe selfish is defined as caring supremely for one's self, comforts, advantage, etc., in disregard or at the expense of those of others. (I consulted Webster for that definition.)

Kokoro Daisuke, you do not fall within that definition. It is perfectly fine to ask for help from someone as long as you give reasonable regard for them. Clearly, you are considering other people in your conduct. You are not taking advantage of them. You do not care only about yourself. You care about others and respect them. Asking people for help, who are capable in helping you, is not being selfish at all. You are not "wronging" anyone when you are doing that.

Also, I am sure there are people around you who want to help you and are glad and happy to do so. So let them when they can. God also wants to help you. So let Him.

As for feeling guilty about possibly making someone unhappy for hearing your troubles... sympathy is a sign of caring and friendship. People who feel also saddened by someone else's troubles is a sign of caring.... There are people who also want to share your emotional burden so that it will not be so heavy on yourself. Why? Because they care for you, that's why. They cannot do this if you do not let them know about what is troubling you.

Relax, Kokoro Daisuke. You are loathing yourself for no good reason. Okay? Relax. You are fine. Do not beat yourself up over this.... Relax.

[Benu]

I wish I could say something too help you but I kinda have a problem like yours but it's different. I'm a really nice guy and I fear that I'm too nice. I will just about help anyone that asks and my problem is I end up getting hurt and used by people like that. I just can't turn someone down when they need help. Just pray about your problem is about all I can say.

[EireWolf]

Hi Kokoro! One thing I was reminded of as I read your post is something that my aunt used to say if someone refused her help, or didn't ask for help. She would say, "Now, don't you rob me of my blessing!" It's a blessing to be able to help another person, so think of it this way: You are blessing someone by asking for their help.

Also, one of the greatest commandments is: Love your neighbor as you love yourself. You cannot fully love your neighbor if you do not love yourself... If you never take time for yourself, you will be in no condition to properly love other people. See? You need to take time for yourself, and to ask for help when you need it. It isn't selfish at all. I think your friends will grow closer to you when they see that you need them too, not just the other way around. People like to feel needed. So you needn't feel selfish when you ask for help or need to talk about problems. Friendship is a give and take relationship. Don't feel bad for receiving every now and then.

And remember you can always ask us for help too.

[Debitt]

Thank-you all...I'll try to keep what I've been told here in mind, but I feel it's gonna be difficult to pull myself out of this hole. God answers prayer in time, so I suppose He'll be there to help me out a bit if I'm patient.

[Mave]

First, my kudos to your sincere intentions.

I always say, "Gotta strike a balance, in everything you do even while serving others."

Luke 5
15Yet the news about him spread all the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. 16But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.

Anyone is free to disagree with me but that tells me that Jesus within the limitations of the human's body and mind, became exhausted too and needed a break from serving others. Your body and mind is God's temple and you still need to take care of it. There's nothing wrong with asking for help (God provides us brothers and sisters to support each other). Sharing your opinions can be a ministry as well for you'll never know what you say could affect someone positively.

I'm even worried about making people unhappy by talking to them about my problems. I've bottled every emotion of mine up except for cheerfulness,
Your brothers and sisters are honored to carry your burden as you carry theirs. You may serve them better by just being yourself and being honest. I used to bottled things up but now I realize that by sharing my struggles and emotions, it blesses my brothers and sisters! That's because they realize that they're not the only one having problems and struggles. Open up, don't be afraid and support each other. ^^ No need to be superficial and all "smiles".

But once again, got to get it balanced. Don't go to the other extreme and become whiny.

I come down hard on myself anytime I do something that I deem "selfish", even if the person I feel I've been selfish to doesn't seem upset, which ends up dragging me down into a depression that I bottle up inside of me
Dear Kokoro, "Jesus does not condemn you, why should you?"

Trust God with your imperfections.

Mave

[true_noir_chloe]

You had a lot of great answers to this already. I don't know what I'd add to it. Mave and Eirewolf gave answers I'd totally agree with. I tend to be a people pleaser myself. I've found as I've gotten older that helping others has become a joyful feeling, from deep within the well of my soul. It's at the core of being a mom - which actually means, you no longer belong to yourself; but, the rest of your family. *hehe* Which I wouldn never trade.

I guess I'm writing here because I'd like to say that myself, as well as a lot of others here, are always willing to listen. We'll always let you talk about whatever you want to get off your chest. I feel sad that you cry yourself to sleep. That's never good. I think it means that you have a wonderful heart. It will help you out later in life. Take it from someone who sounded like you about 25 years ago.

[JediSonic]

Really, just about everything I was going to say is in Eirewolf's post so... oh well

And about asking for help, something my mom used to say is 'it never hurts to ask'. Actually I think she meant it never hurts the person asking, but it works both ways If you ask someone to do something, and they don't want to, forcing them to do it would be selfish, but there is a big difference between forcing someone to do something and asking for a little help now and then.