A Teen's Perception of Love

[TriezGamer]

I've always felt that you won't EVER really *understand* love until after you've been married for 5 years and have had to deal with the REAL realities of a relationship.

[Etoh*the*Greato]

What about engaged for five years?

[Phantom_Sorano]

I agree with you, Pat....I hate seeing teenagers all over each other and saying it's love....Love is a beautiful and sacred word that should be used with maturity, reason, and true intention.....but then again, what do I know?

[Felix]

A year ago I would have said 'yes' or 'a few' but I think I'm gonna have to say no on this one. They can understand infatuation, perhaps, or what they think love is, but I doubt even most people in their twenties or some even older than that understand what love is. Some people may never understand what it is. Certainly, most of us don't understand what it truly means to love God, therefore how can we know what it means to love other people? Love is cautious ground, that should be treaded lightly on. Certainly, it's possible to understand love, but I highly doubt that any teenagers can do it, I certainly don't.

[rocklobster]

I heard this on Little Steven's Underground Garage one time:
"We've written thousands of songs about love, and we don't know a thing about it." So true, Steve, so true.

[TriezGamer]

What about engaged for five years?

Unless you've been living together ... I don't think it's quite the same.

I also have a thing against extended engagements though, so I'm a smidge biased on that.

[ClosetOtaku]

I guess I'll have to disagree with many of the posts...

I don't think "puppy love" originates with media per se, although I'm sure it exacerbates the condition.

For most kids, I think it is just part of the maturation process, akin to babies trying to make sounds like adults and kids role-playing "house". In some ways it is imitative, but I also think there's an instinct-driven (God-given) need for a relationship that is mutual and exclusive -- and falling "in love" (or more likely infatuation) at an early age is one way of exercising those instincts.

You cannot expect old heads on young shoulders. I am sure there are those who may be able to understand love at a young age -- whether it is mental (doubtful) or emotional (more likely) maturity that makes this possible, I can only guess -- but some kids will have different learning pathways than others. Some of those pathways will include one or more incidents of sappy, drooling, puppy-love.

To be sure, they will grow out of it. But I don't see much practical use in criticism. Those who would understand will not be vulnerable, and those who don't will continue to be in spite of warnings to the contrary.

[The Doctor]

As many married couples will say, TRUE LOVE is not a feeling and it DOES not just "happen to stay".

TRUE LOVE is a CHOICE, a COMMITMENT.

[Lady Macbeth]

As many married couples will say, TRUE LOVE is not a feeling and it DOES not just "happen to stay".

TRUE LOVE is a CHOICE, a COMMITMENT.

Yes, I'm half of one of those "married couples" who will say that. One of the misconceptions that a lot of people have when they get married is that somehow all of their problems as individuals will magically go away and that they will definitely not experience any miscommunications, emotional problems or other problems as a couple. Mass media certainly plays a part in this idea, but it's also supported by a long history of non-communication about real relationships.

Up until the modern era it was considered "unmanly" for men to talk about relationship problems, and it was taboo for women to talk about relationships outside caring for the house and home. This left a very skewed perception about what love is and what relationships are supposed to be. Honest, open communication from one generation to the next will go a long way toward making more stable homes, even if couples do decide to wait longer to get married than they would have otherwise.

"True love" starts in a connection that two people make with each other. It might be a shared interest or that the two happen to sit next to each other frequently in class and strike up conversations. From there, it develops into FRIENDSHIP - and unlike many "fly-by-night" friends, it's a friendship that not only lasts but grows stronger over the years. My husband is also my best friend, and remains so to this day]others[/i] that the couple are no longer seeking others for permanent companionship. It's a symbolic way of stating, "I think I've found someone I can live with, and now I want to try strengthening that relationship." When a couple is ready for this step, they should already be comfortable doing things together - having lunch or dinner, going to sporting events, going to movies, hanging out with other friends, etc. The importance of the "dress up for a first date" routine is an Old World custom for couples who would potentially end up married even though they didn't know each other well - either through arrangement by their parents, for social obligation or for the financial well-being of the woman. With those concerns being less today, there is less need to focus on that "first impression", because the emotional attachment between the couple is the driving factor, not the need for a social/financial partnership.

Relationships that try to do both can often end in disaster, by the way - this is why many "Hollywood" marriages fall apart. A couple who marries because they "look good together" or "it would be a good working relationship" or "they're well-matched" will find themselves in serious trouble if they're not emotionally tied to each other. Casual acquaintances or friendships can deteriorate very quickly if there is a legal and expected obligation to fidelity - marriage - and one or the other's eyes and feelings start straying elsewhere.

This is where The Doctor's comments about "CHOICE" and "COMMITMENT" come in. ALL relationships have some point where things become stressful or move outside the expected boundaries. Both men's and women's eyes can stray - though, contrary to popular belief, it does not necessarily mean their thoughts or their feelings are as well. A partner who has developed TRUST in their other through COMMITMENT will realize that it's usually a passing glance or fancy - their other's eyes and thoughts will come back to them almost immediately. Likewise, one's job can fail, the couple can experience severe financial setbacks like bankruptcy, or an illness or injury in one partner can prevent that one from being as mobile or productive as they once were. It is then that the couple makes the CHOICE, due to their COMMITMENT, to remain together and weather the difficulties.

Are teenagers able to manage all of that? Some are - that's why I chose the option "a few, based on maturity." My dad took over managment of his household - caring for his mother and siblings - when he was 12, because his dad died. His mother was unable to work outside the home, so he dropped out of school, worked several menial labor jobs to provide for his family, saw all of his siblings to adulthood (because he was the youngest of them) and then went out and started his own family. He and my mom continued to visit and take care of my grandmother until she passed away. Certain teenagers are capable of maturing early - either through a life-changing event like the death of a parent, or just because they happen to develop faster than their peers. Others are not - there are some who make it to advanced age and never seem to "grow up". Many cultures around the world set 18-20 as the "age of adulthood" because that is the age that their culture expects to start seeing maturity levels that are noticeably different than younger peers. Biologically, it's as meaningless as any other arbitrarily-chosen age.

I personally prefer to see teenagers spending their energy building friendships and family connections when they choose to consider relationships and to spend the rest of their time and energy on reflection on their self. That, in my opinion, will give them more base to work from when they get to 18 and either face the working world or college. THEN they can start directing energy toward a companion and building a family of their own.

[Cap'n Nick]

Teenagers cannot understand love! They lack the years of physical and psychic training necessary to harness the romantic energy beams! This is why they cannot fly, see through walls, or answers questions from adults without rolling their eyes.

Actually, I would be hard pressed to say what this "love" is, or why any person would need to understand it. Commitment and affection I can deal with, but love as popularly conceived runs the gamut from simple puppy lust all the way to a holy, mythical power that rights all wrongs and grants the bearer the power to shoot lasers from his eyes.

[Kkun]

love as popularly conceived runs the gamut from simple puppy lust all the way to a holy, mythical power that rights all wrongs and grants the bearer the power to shoot lasers from his eyes.

If that's what love is, I gots to get me some of that!

[Destroyer2000]

Well, in a few days, my perspective seems to have changed. Perhaps I am blinded by emotions; perhaps not. In any case, I would now say that some teens are capable of love, if they do not let themselves be caught up in the definition that it is commonly defined as by society, but instead carve their own way. Love isn't something that can follow a set path; the course of each couple carves its own course through life.

[carneman]

"this thing called love
I just cant handle it..." thats from Queen, "crazy little thing called love". not sure why but i thought id add that.

i think that some teens might be able to understand what love is, i know that i sure dont. many of us get it confused with infatuation. and saying that you are in love to a girl, i know this from unfortunate experience, is just not a good idea. i know that we can care a lot for somebody, but love? im pretty sure a lot of adults dont even know what that is.

[Destroyer2000]

That is true. Love doesn't come from a choice or a commitment. When you meet that person, it just happens. It was ordained to happen, and there isn't much you can do to change the fact that one person is set aside for you. Everyone strives so hard to find that person, and in the end, find that it is futile. Love tends to throw us a fairy tale in the middle of an ordinary life.

I'm attempting to argue this from two different perspectives, here. One is the logical side, tryin got think things through. However, can logic really be used in emotions? They defy logic to begin with. THe other side is the side that, essentially, says to 'follow your heart'. Sounds more romantic, poetic, but can be blinded by emotions. I feel more strongly for one person now than I ever have before, and even still I am trying to think through it rationally. Hard to do. However, from this view, I see that I was originally cold to the emotions I was arguing against to begin with. I won't say I'm in love. I don't know that - the only types of love I know are what I feel for family, friends, and my Savior. Romantic love is not one of those. And in the end of it all, we cannot truly confine love to a single definition.

[livxamlis]

ah...so many posts hurting my eyes lol. i think true love can only come from god. i'm not so sure that teens can truly understand true love because in those 10ish years they're in that stage where they're still learning about themselves and the ppl around them - mostly wanting attention and relationships with others. i don't think this only applies to teens though, it could apply to anyone, any age. it could be a matter of how they developed - like if they don't really have strong relationships with family they could reach out to others for that comfort they feel they lack.

lol i donno how to explain it but i feel it's up to the person and where they are in life and with god. if you desperately seek it in others than obviously you will 'think' you're 'in love' with almost every relationship because in your heart, that's what you want. if you focus on wanting 'love' so much or if you feel you aren't loved then you may choose to find that affection in others who you think could care for you. i've had years of experience of making these sort of wrong choices where you look to others to feel loved or wanted (and i feel that a lot of teens are doing this) which i think is kinda sad but may turn out to be a learning experience for them too.

i guess everyone (not only teens) want that kind of love that we all see in the media and elsewhere. for me personally, my problem was that i was looking for the kind of love god can give (eternal, forgiving TRUE LOVE) in the wrong places and just ending up lost and confused and feeling really sorry for myself. i honestly think teens should just focus on God right now and getting their lives on the right track because only god truly knows what love is and so he'll take care of it and take care of us. you can't go looking for god's love in others b/c only he has it, so just wait a while till you are ready and when god thinks you're ready. teens may see and want love but it doesn't automatically mean they are capable of truly acting upon it and giving it to others.

not saying that teens aren't capable of love, b/c i think everyone is capable to love, it's just that a lot of teens mistake infatuation and wanting to be loved, for actual love.

ya so i'll stop now....lol i donno where i'm going with this. i'm confused by my own post now... O_o

[Mr. SmartyPants]

but love as popularly conceived runs the gamut from simple puppy lust all the way to a holy, mythical power that rights all wrongs and grants the bearer the power to shoot lasers from his eyes.

Or other places XD *Looks at Nate*

[SnoringFrog]

Someone tell me, why can't they see their puppy love for what it is?

Because the vast majority of us (when I sya us, I'm implying primarily 14-15-year-olds, as that is the group I'm in and who I have the most contact with) are too stupid and lazy to bother with it. As has been said many times in this thread, it's pretty much emulation of what's pouned into our minds through the media. I personnally don't use the word 'love' very often, because I only want to use it when it should be used with it's true meaning behind it. There are a few girls I could say I 'love' but the one I'd put at the top of that list isn't one I'd really consider as a possibility for a girlfriend at all, because it's jsut completely different than that with her. I'm pretty sure I don'tunderstand it that well myself, but I do believe I have a much stronger grasp on it than most of the other kdis my age I know. I've wasted too much time in infatuation that I believed was love only to be suddenly torn out of it to fall for it too quickly anymore, yet I still do catch myself letting it take to much control in my life anyhow.

I voted for the last option. Most of us may not get it, but there are probably a few who really know what love is.

[silver_wolf454]

I thought I understood it but I guess I was wrong since he broke up with me for anouther girl. When it all comes down to it do any of us realy understand love? I'm talking about true unfailing love here.

[Joshua Christopher]

Or other places XD *Looks at Nate*

Dude can we please not ever bring that up again?

[Radical Dreamer]

Dude can we please not ever bring that up again?

Agreeeeed. >_< *is scarred for life*

XD

Anyways, after looking over this thread, it seems I've misunderstood the question. When I made my vote, I basically meant to say "yes, there are some mature teenagers that understand that there is a difference between love and infatuation". But I don't think a teenager can fully understand love in and of itself, no. Not until they've had a number more years of life experience and the like. XD

[Nate]

Dude can we please not ever bring that up again?

You know you liked it.

[Etoh*the*Greato]

I thought I understood it but I guess I was wrong since he broke up with me for anouther girl. When it all comes down to it do any of us realy understand love? I'm talking about true unfailing love here.

The most stable love there is isn't that warm fuzzy oogly googly love you'll get at the beginning of a really really great relationship, or around someone you really like. Either he was a) A jerk and/or cad, or b) Didn't understand that the loss of the warm fuzzies doesn't mean you're no longer in love. Once you get past that first three years of, "Oh, he's so wonderful!" Then the real fun can begin. You'll love again, and it'll be with someone better. Cheer up!

[Destroyer2000]

It appears to me that many of you are saying its based on time, and living together. That makes it seem as if love is controllable, but it is not. Love cannot be controlled, cannot be handled, cannot be directed. It is a force in and of itself, causing people to do crazy things that they never would do normally.

The original question was not whether one understood love or not - that's foolish. Of course they do not - that's part of the great mystery of love. The question was can a teenager truly be in love. While I will say that some can, those few must have had much experience in life, moreso than a normal teenager, and must be emotionally mature and spiritually mature.

As for what someone mentioned about loving this one person they knew...that would be platonic love. Friendship. I can honestly say I love my friends, and I would be hurt deeply if anything happened to them. What we are speaking of here, however, is romantic love. And no, sex does not equal love, contrary to popular belief. Love should not be used to define a form or level of infatuation. Love is one thing, and one thing only; the sacred, driving force behind everything we believe. We seek out love in others, we seek out the love of the 'one', and most of all, we seek out the love that our Savior has for us. Without love, what would there be?

[Etoh*the*Greato]

Love is, at the end of the day, a choice. As for the passionate love you experience at the beginning of a relationship, that will come and go several times. I'm not always in love with my fiancee, but I always love her. That's one thing that has never changed. But some days, you will have to make the conscious choice to love a person. No one is 100% loveable 100% of the time, no matter how wonderful you may think they are right now. And personally? I rather like it that way. I'm a fickle person, and I'd rather that my fickleness towards life isn't applied towards my relationships. Otherwise, I'd never be happy.

[Destroyer2000]

Perhaps so. I don't think so, however. Did you choose to fall in love with that person, or did it just happen? Generally, one does not make a concious effort to fall in love with somone.

[Nate]

Yes, but you can make a conscious choice to NOT love someone. Hence why love is a choice.

[Joshua Christopher]

You know you liked it.

Yeah but we don't need to tell everyone.

[Destroyer2000]

Concious choice or not...love is love. When it is meant for someone, it will happen, regardless of your will.

[TriezGamer]

The original question was not whether one understood love or not - that's foolish.

View Poll Results: Can teenagers understand love?

...Sounds like it to me. Here's a bit more than just my previous answer:

I don't think love, at least in the sense of romantic love, is something fully understood until you've been married for a while and have dealt with the many issues that entails. This doesn't mean that I think people cannot BE IN LOVE before that point, only that they won't have a complete grasp on it.

[Joshua Christopher]

Love is a battlefield.