S.O.S. I'm Having a Mini-Crisis!!!!!

[USSRGirl]

>.< Ok. I need an excuse. FAST. See... I'm taking a creative writing class (easy credits for sure), but just starting this year I'm distance learning out of my old school because I moved (basically homeschool, do all my stuff on the computer, ect.) Anyway, it turns out there's supposed to be an on-campus presentation thingy for this class where students get to read their writing out loud to the class and drink coffee and refreshments and such. Fun right? Wellllll.... seeing as I can't *GO* to the on-campus meeting my teacher has been gracious enough to give me something else... She wants me to tape record and/or video tape myself reading a part of my fantasy novel in like... my living room... for 3... to FIFTEEN minutes. Then... she implied that since it wasn't a class there's no time limit... as in like she wants me to read the whole stinkin' thing in a Shakespearean narrative voice to my cat. >.< GAAAAAH. There is just NO WAY I am going to an audio reading in front of my family members. Even worst the neighbor's will hear me and I'll sound like I'm delusional! >.< I guess I'm kind of opposite to most people... I have no problem with public speaking (I guess why my teacher thought I wouldn't mind doing this) in front of a classroom, but I feel absolutely pyschotic talking to myself! I had to do this once before with a tape recorder and I just kept laughing... I mean I feel to weird giving presentations in my bedroom.

SO... I need an excuse. ANY excuse. Don't give me any preachy self-help advice. I want the most ruthless, bogus excuse you can come up with! I got until March to come up with one. So far here's what I have: (*ones I will most likely use)

1.) I mailed it but my tape must have been lost in the mail*
...This is good... But she might ask me to read it to her on the phone... which would be even weirder.

2.) My cat at my microphone (I have a mic on my computer).

3.) Great-granma died.... again.*

4.) I lost my voice.

5.) My computer was hacked by Quakers.

6.) I was abducted by aliens.

7.) I died. XD

[Radical Dreamer]

Well...you could just do it. o_o I mean, do it in front of a crowd if you have to, but any grade is better than no grade at all (or an F, however your teacher operates). You don't have to read the assignment alone; just think of it as public speaking instead. Besides, if you have until March to record yourself doing this, then there's really no rush. Just get up the nerve, do it, and send it in. Hope you get a good grade!

[Mangafanatic]

I think you should e-mail her and tell her that as you were reading, undead, zombie King Kong ripped the top off of your house and captured you. Futhermore, you should explain that he then took you away to his island retreat, where he forces you to read to him. The e-mail, you will futher explain, is being written on a computer that will self destruct in 20 seconds that you built from coconuts and bamboo with the help of the professor from Gilligan's Island and Ethan Hunt from Mission Impossible who have also been kidnap by the entertainment obsessed primate.

Or you could just do the taped reading as best you can.

Yeah. That would probably be the best option. XD

[Raiden no Kishi]

Just do it. The more you think about it, the worse it seems. As my buddy Jason's grandpa would say, MAN UP!

Oh, wait . . .

.rai//

[EireWolf]

Readeth unto thy feline with loud voice and valorous heart. If thine neighbours doth regard thee askance, proclaim unto them, "Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't!"

[USSRGirl]

T___T I like the undead zombie ape idea the best.

[EireWolf]

Yes. Try that then.

[USSRGirl]

Readeth unto thy feline with loud voice and valorous heart. If thine neighbours doth regard thee askance, proclaim unto them, "Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't!"

ROFLOL.

Hmm... still thinking of the zombie ape idea... perhaps if I suddenly crinkled a gum wrapper into the microphone (I actually have one on my computer... the casset lost in the mail was just an excuse. XP) and added some stomping noises then screamed and cut the recording... perhaps she will fall for it? O.o Doing a radio drama for my pudgy feline is just so... embarrassing. Yeeesh. Where do teachers dig these things up anyway?

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Read something FUN, and something you would undoubtly enjoy.

Like this or this.

[USSRGirl]

Oh this is excellent. After I get kidnapped by zombies I can sue the pants off the guy who wrote this book claiming his survival techniques failed me in an emergency. It's not WHAT I have to read though... it's the manner of presentation. I feel too weird talking to myself.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Oh this is excellent. After I get kidnapped by zombies I can sue the pants off the guy who wrote this book claiming his survival techniques failed me in an emergency. It's not WHAT I have to read though... it's the manner of presentation. I feel too weird talking to myself.

Well do it anyway! Who cares how you feel. XD

[Puritan]

Then methinks thou shouldst gather together thine friends, family, and moste noble cat and then read thine novel to them, whilst recording aforesaid reading. Then thou wouldst feel better about thine reading, rather than feeling the fool. Or you could claim alien abduction and blame the Illuminati and/or the Yakuza. They're behind everything these days.

[USSRGirl]

>.< I DEFINITELY DO NOT want to do it in front of family. I'll do when they're not here if at all. They want me to do like a radio drama. >.< Gaaah... I feel weird asking people to come anyway. I was going to blame to 'the grays.' Or king kong. Or Peter Jackson for going off to do a stupid monster movie instead of The Hobbit.

[USSRGirl]

On second thought... I have a better idea.


WHO HERE HAS A COMPUTER MICROPHONE?!!!

I will pay you twenty bucks if you record yourself reading my novel and E-mail it to me. Erm... guys should use a somewhat feminine voice so it sounds more believable.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

On second thought... I have a better idea.


WHO HERE HAS A COMPUTER MICROPHONE?!!!

I will pay you twenty bucks if you record yourself reading my novel and E-mail it to me. Erm... guys should use a somewhat feminine voice so it sounds more believable.

Well, it depends how you sound. We need to match the voices ya know?

[Hakaii]

well before I mention any crazy half-baked schemes (or fully baked for that matter) I would suggest doing what I do... drink LOTS of caffine and stay up until the sun comes back up! that way, your too hyper and too delerious to think about how silly you look in front of people. other than that.
tell your teacher that you played with a Quiji board (never do that for real by the way... ever.... EVER!!!) and claim that poltergeist have caused your house to implode on itself along with your tape recorder!

[USSRGirl]

I knew a very messed up person who played with Quiji boards as a kid. O.O Trust me, I would not even use it as an excuse. If I were going to the class, there would be coffee there. I mean... at the very least... my teacher should send me some imported flavored and/or iced mochas right? There's no justice in this world I tell you.

Hmmm, MSP, can you make yourself sound kind of high-pitched yet sarcastic?

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Hmmm, MSP, can you make yourself sound kind of high-pitched yet sarcastic?

Hah, who can't?

[Yeshua-Knight]

can't you just record it when your folks are out or something? trust me, speaking as someone who's practiced his trumpet as loudly as he could in his room, the neighbors won't hear you, they're too rapped up in what they're doing to even notice

[USSRGirl]

T__T I say I pay MSP and get it over with. You know, I have a rom download of FF6 on my computer. On the computer version you can take away layers and make things look weird. If not, I can tell you how to get Gogo and that yeti guy. Trade? Mmm?? What'd ya say?

[Mr. SmartyPants]

T__T I say I pay MSP and get it over with. You know, I have a rom download of FF6 on my computer. On the computer version you can take away layers and make things look weird. If not, I can tell you how to get Gogo and that yeti guy. Trade? Mmm?? What'd ya say?

You... are telling ME you're going to give ME final fantasy 6 hints?

How extremely insulting! (And for the record, the "yeti" has a name you know. His name us Umaro!")

I cannot believe I am being talked down upon by this.... other person! As the self-proclaimed Final Fantasy 6 GURU on CAA, I am the one giving hints and advice, not receiving...

(Most of that was a joke, don't take it seriously XD But yes I am the self-proclaimed FF6 Guru)

Anyway, do it yourself.

[Agent Anderson]

Don't lie to teachers.


One of my teachers said that if you cheat, then you'll be strolling along campus and a tire will fall off an airplane and reduce you to a grease spot on the sidewalk.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

One of my teachers said that if you cheat, then you'll be strolling along campus and a tire will fall off an airplane and reduce you to a grease spot on the sidewalk.

Exactly!... Wait what?

Anyway, good piece of advice there! *Saves the quote for future use*

[Puritan]

...So the Illuminati don't cut it, eh? Well, you COULD always find a voice synthesizer (http://www.research.att.com/~ttsweb/tts/demo.php ) and record IT reading. You may sound like Stephen Hawking, but you can pass that off two ways, either claim a "guest reader", or revel in the mystique of sounding like the world's premier physicist.

[Nate]

I will pay you twenty bucks if you record yourself reading my novel and E-mail it to me. Erm... guys should use a somewhat feminine voice so it sounds more believable.

http://media.putfile.com/Temmy

[Puritan]

Or try this (Courtesy of the free program Text2Speech)

http://download.yousendit.com/29716B0A46E1266D

[Peanut]

On second thought... I have a better idea.


WHO HERE HAS A COMPUTER MICROPHONE?!!!

I will pay you twenty bucks if you record yourself reading my novel and E-mail it to me. Erm... guys should use a somewhat feminine voice so it sounds more believable.

Funny thing is...as I was reading your first post...this is what I was thinking of suggesting...anyway, being an actor, I would normally just tell you to suck it up and do it anyway and I would probably tell you that plenty of sane people, such as I, have been known to talk to themselves when no one is around (what...it helps me think...), but yeah, if you could get some female (or if you really, really really want to creep out your teacher...send me the excerpt and I'll see if I can get my friend Sam to do something with it...but I must warn you...the people at your school will probably be scarred for the rest of their lives and will sue you for sending a video which single handedly shattered all sense of sanity and stability they had...but it would be funny...hehe...I just can't get the image of the look on their faces out of my head...oh the expressions would be priceless...anyway, all evil Peanut scheming aside...). If you did it as a video tape, you could even give them the excuse that you were too "sick" to actually read it...and if it's a voice tape you could actually just tell them the truth. I don't see what the big deal would be, plagiarism would be far worse then having someone else read your work for you. Anyway, yeah...that's my advice...I would especially like to urge you to do the thing I suggested in parenthesis...cause it would be funny...

Peanut

Edit: Another idea going along with Puritan's statement. Use a synthesizer and claim that you did it for artistic reasons...

[Kaligraphic]

Explain that ever since you started hanging around with weirdoes and undead online, you've been plagued by huge cockroaches, that run up to you, punch you in the throat, and run off.

Or just pretend you have an audience. (We'll all be there in spirit, right?)

[Aileen Kailum]

Well, you could tell the teacher that while you were attempting to complete your assignment, a crack squad of space monkeys broke into your home and tried to abduct you. As everyone knows, however, space monkeys are notorious for causing wormholes when exposed to any sort of human technology--for example, microphones. Because of the aforementioned phenomenon, you and the monkeys were sucked into the future.

If the teacher asks how you are communicating with them even though you are supposed to be in the future, tell them you used untested future techonology to time travel back to your own time in a desperate attempt to complete your assignment. Unfortunately, the time machine malfunctioned, and you became stuck in the past and are now communicating with a timed release e-mail in an effort to explain why you will be unable to turn in your assignment.

Or, you could just do it. (I know, "not helpful" right?) It's hard to come up with a convincing wormhole explanation...

[Dante]

Well... If I had 56k I would read it... although, I've been known to read these things like someone from masterpiece theatre... so it would be most most VERY ODD... Also, I think the teacher would find it strange that her female student suddenly aquired a knack for male outdated bombastic english. That and my wild hand motions would really drive them nuts... I'd even dress up as albert einstein and perhaps don a German accent... yah, dat vould be fun, no? a vidazan!