Help with (gasp!) Dating??

[Fionn Fael]

All right, I'll just come out with it: I've never really "dated" anyone before. But recently (as in, beginning a few months ago), someone has actually expressed serious interest in me. This, while shocking, was also understandably flattering, as he's a really sweet Christian guy whom I'd never expect would like someone like me. Unfortunately, he lives in a city 2 hours away from mine, and only comes to my town on holidays to visit relatives who live here. Still, every time he's here, he calls and invites me to do things with him.

Cute, right? Well, herein lies the issue: I have absolutely ZERO experience with relationships of any kind! I'm 16 years old, but I have no clue how to act around guys or what I should or shouldn't do! Plus, he's a year and a half older than me and has dated before. What does he expect of me? I've never even so much as kissed a boy. I'm way too shy around them to be forward about anything now!

We're going to the movies tomorrow night. I need good advice, ASAP! Please help!

[FadedOne]

He likes you, you apparently like him..you're good. ^_^

dont stress. i know that's impossible, but i heard you say 'i dont know what he expects' and therein lies your main problem. dont try to live up to any boy's expectations - they dont live in reality anyway Just be yourself...apparently taht's exactly what he's attracted to! Just try to be natural, dont overworry, pray alot, and PLEASE dont focus too much on the attraction vs just friendship. Even if you date, still focus on the friendship...cause rushing things will screw you over bigtime.

hopefully this is some advice..it's not much, but im hoping others will come & help you out w/ much more detailed (and wise) advice good luck!

[Icarus]

First, I'd like to say way to go! Second, be aware that I have never dated.

FadedOne already brought up the main point I had. Don't worry so much.

My second point is that all the power is in your hands. Nothing can happen without your consent. If you don't want him to do something, you don't have to let him, whether or not he expects it.

To recap, he asked you out, so it is his job to ensure that you have a good time. If halfway through you're too nervous to enjoy yourself, the date's failed. So relax and have fun.

[Tenshi no Ai]

I've sort of been there myself. The first boyfriend I've had, had already gone out with a few girls and I did worry some about these "expectations" and all. But stuff like that, shouldn't be a worry at all, ya know?^^ As said above, being yourself is what's the most important, as well as remember you make your own decisions. Do what YOU would feel would be right to do... And say you two do end up and something bothers you about expectations or anything, discuss it with him. Comminucation is a VERY important thing, and if you have something on your mind that's an issue, share and/or ask questions so that he can understand too.

...and that's all I've gotta say about that.

[Bobtheduck]

I'm 16 years old, *but I have no clue how to act around guys or what I should or shouldn't do! Plus, he's a year and a half older than me and has dated before. What does he expect of me? I've never even so much as kissed a boy. I'm way too shy around them to be forward about anything now!

We're going to the movies tomorrow night. I need good advice, ASAP! Please help!

That could be reworded. "I'm 16 years old, so I have no clue how to act around guys" If you wanna learn how to act around guys... Well, Asking your dad is a good start, but if he's a shotgun dad, you also may wanna take what he has to say through that filter. Of course, you may not know if he's a shotgun dad, yet. After that, just... Well, hang out with some guys. Get a little bit of a picture of how they work, and realize that some things are just a matter of personality. Nothing is universal, really. The way to get experience is to... Experience.

Hmm... As for things not to do, well... If you're not into someone, and you think they are, let them know... Do it softly, of course, but make sure you don't let it be ambiguous. A lot of guys (IE Me) are really bad at picking up on hints.

Of course, your interest could change, but don't bank on the future, be truthful about the present.

Another thing, if you're not into someone, don't touch their legs above the knees... A lot of very friendly girls do that when they're not interested in the guy, but that's like a big hint that you're interested... In fact, be very careful about touch at all. Pats should be fine. Side hugs are good. Different groups have different norms about hugs (This is all from the idea that you're American, which you may not be) and if you're not American, I can't help you with the touch thing because every culture has their own rules about that... Be aware that touch can signal things you don't want it to, and be careful but not necessarily cold.

Don't avoid them just because they like you. That is painful. Of course, it's more painful to get rejected, but... If they're rejected and then ditched, that's insult added to injury, or like injury added to insult and injury...

For a guy you DO like, well... I have no advice... I've had a lot more experience with rejection than with acceptance.

[Sammy Boy]

This is not really advice as such ... but just talk with him whenver you get the chance, about all sorts of things, such as what situations make you happy / angry (and for him), what values you both have, what do you think about the future (e.g. what kind of job, interests, achievements would you like to have?), some interesting / eye opening experiences in the past that you wouldn't mind sharing, etc.

I think good and frequent communication leads to better understanding of each other and stronger relationships. It might sound boring, but talking can actually be quite fun and a constructive way to spend the time.

Besides talking, also listen, and spend some time observing and thinking about the things you have observed.

All the best!

[Raiden no Kishi]

Here's an idea:

Just be friends.

You aren't going to get married in high school [at least, I would certainly HOPE not ^_~], so a dating/courting/term-of-your-choice relationship is really pointless. Besides, you can be good friends with multiple guys, whereas you can only have one boyfriend, which will adversely affect your other relationships. [I know this from personal experience ~ tagging along with my best friend and his girlfriend is one of the most boring experiences ever].

There's no real upside, and plenty of downsides [if you want a less abridged list, let me know], so just be the guy's friend. Save the hassle of that sort of a relationship for a time in your life when it has the potential to do you some good.

.rai//

[Tommy]

I agree you should just be friends. Why go out with someone that you only see a couple times a year? I mean, it's different for married couples in which one goes away on a buisness trip often because well, they're married.

[K. Ayato]

Stay friends, but wait until after high school before you start thinking of pursuing a relationship. Sounds tough, but it works out a lot better that way.

[samuraidragon]

First off, don't worry about not having any relationship prior to this or not having been kissed. Any relationship before being at least 16 is going to be a joke anyways. I just had my first kiss a few weeks ago, and I'm the same age as you, there's nothing wrong with that, don't be ashamed of it!

Also, I can tell you from experience that long distance (even semi-long distance) relationships don't work out at this age. I had a crush on a girl that lived only 40 minutes away in a small town outside my city. What I realized was happening after a few months was that the person I had a crush on didn't exist. I didn't know the girl at all, and the girl had just became the physical embodiment of who I guessed she was.

Basically my advice is be friends. A friendship would work well for the situation, but not a dating relationship. After you graduate, maybe you'll be able to take it another step, but until then, just be friends.

I hope that helps any.

[mitsuki lover]

The first thing to remember is that he is probably just as nervous about the entire dating situation as you are,even more so.So don't worry.There's a famous story about General Grant early on in his Civil War career when he was told to attack
an enemy position.He was pretty nervous and anxious since it was his first command.But when his troops finally got to the Confederate position he found out that they had skedaddled.His conclusion was that the enemy commander had been just as nervous as he had been.
Now what has that to do with dating?This,that you're both in the same boat when it comes to it,you are both going to be very nervous and won't know much about what to do.So the best thing is to be yourself.If he doesn't like you for who you are that's fine,hopefully you will have had a fun time of it and will have had
good memories.

[Fionn Fael]

Here's an idea:

Just be friends.

You aren't going to get married in high school [at least, I would certainly HOPE not ^_~], so a dating/courting/term-of-your-choice relationship is really pointless.

Stay friends, but wait until after high school before you start thinking of pursuing a relationship. Sounds tough, but it works out a lot better that way.

Basically my advice is be friends. A friendship would work well for the situation, but not a dating relationship. After you graduate, maybe you'll be able to take it another step, but until then, just be friends.

Wow! Lots of you are in favor of just being friends. The funny thing is, I've always thought that high school relationships are pointless, myself. I mean, I only look at dating as a prelude to marriage. If you're dating someone, I think they should be considered a possible marriage partner. But now that something like this has happened to me, I don't know what to do. I like him and everything, but he does live pretty far away. He doesn't seem interested in just staying friends, though.

That could be reworded. "I'm 16 years old, so I have no clue how to act around guys" If you wanna learn how to act around guys... Well, Asking your dad is a good start, but if he's a shotgun dad, you also may wanna take what he has to say through that filter. Of course, you may not know if he's a shotgun dad, yet. After that, just... Well, hang out with some guys. Get a little bit of a picture of how they work, and realize that some things are just a matter of personality. Nothing is universal, really. The way to get experience is to... Experience.

I guess 16 isn't that old... Oh, and yes, my dad is pretty much a "shotgun dad". That doesn't help things, does it?

Thanks so much for all the help, everyone! Feel free to add any more advice you have to offer!

[samuraidragon]

Wow! Lots of you are in favor of just being friends. The funny thing is, I've always thought that high school relationships are pointless, myself. I mean, I only look at dating as a prelude to marriage. If you're dating someone, I think they should be considered a possible marriage partner. But now that something like this has happened to me, I don't know what to do. I like him and everything, but he does live pretty far away. He doesn't seem interested in just staying friends, though.

I'm glad you feel that way. A lot of teens don't even consider that, and see a girlfriend as someone you're supposed to have so you can hold hands and kiss, and (hopefully not) have sex with.

Like you said, he does live pretty far away. Ask yourself what kind of relationship it would be if you did pursue it. Would there really be any involvement by either party? I also know what you mean by "now that his has happened to me." I wasn't planning on having a relationship for the remainder of high school, but I found myself growing a lot closer to one of my best friends. We're not officially dating, though we have discussed it, and are continuing our friendship on a deeper level. I plan on talking to her (and my) parents about us dating our senior year, since by then I believe I will be able to sustain a real dating relationship. That being said, I also only live 7 minutes away (on a flat out run), so I get to see her quite a bit and go on walks and such. I know that would be impossible for you to do something like that, so again, just take a little but to envision what a relationship would be like with him.

You also said he doesn't seem interested in remaining friends. While that is something to consider, you ultimately need to consider what's best for you, not what he wants. He should understand that this may not be the best thing for you right now, and be willing to accept that out of consideration for you or I would doubt his motives. Not that I'm judging him or anything, just offering advice.

Again, I hope this helps you an any way.

[Raiden no Kishi]

Wow! Lots of you are in favor of just being friends. The funny thing is, I've always thought that high school relationships are pointless, myself. I mean, I only look at dating as a prelude to marriage. If you're dating someone, I think they should be considered a possible marriage partner. But now that something like this has happened to me, I don't know what to do. I like him and everything, but he does live pretty far away. He doesn't seem interested in just staying friends, though.

I think your beliefs are pretty clear as to what you should do. Explain them to him, and explain that, once you two are ready for such a commitment, you would gladly consider him. That way, he knows it's not because of anything that's his fault, just that you don't believe such a relationship a good idea right now. Sounds like we're on the same page here. ^_^

.rai//

[Fionn Fael]

Oh, no. Oh, no, you guys. Oh, no. I think I started something very bad. You see, we were supposed to go to the movies today, but there was no matinee and he couldn't hang out tonight, so we just drove around town this afternoon for a couple hours and talked. Harmless, right? Well, guess what? We decided to park in a parking lot (since we'd seen all of town) and talk some more. There was a lull in the conversation. I jokingly mentioned the awkward silence.
He said, "No, I was just thinking... would it be moving too fast if I kissed you?"
O.O = me. I stammered out, "I-I, I guess not, I mean, I..."
"I guess not, or no?" he replied, laughing a little.
"N-no..."
So he leaned over and planted one on me!! And apparently he meant a more... in-depth kind of kiss, because he tried to *whisper* french kiss me!! ACK!!! I obviously pulled away and voiced my discomfort with the situation. I apologized, but explained that I was very new to these kinds of things. He responded that it was fine-- that he liked and respected girls who took things slowly.

So... things were fine after that, and we just talked some more, but... Oh, no!! What should I do?? I didn't kiss him back or anything, but... I feel so... so weird!
Sorry if I'm being a drama queen or overreacting, but what if he thinks I want to DATE date him now? What should I do?

[Nate]

Whoa. That's...moving a little too fast. French kissing is a bit advanced, shall we say. For a first kiss, that's a bad sign that he's a little too physical. If worse comes to worse, just be straight with him. Say you aren't ready for it yet, and if he can't respect that he isn't worth it. I know that sounds harsh, but if he doesn't want to respect how you feel, that's a bad relationship. Don't try to sugarcoat it or tiptoe around it either. Just be completely honest.

Oh, and don't use the phrase "We need to talk." Speaking from personal experience, that is a nasty sentence.

[Yumie]

Oh, no. Oh, no, you guys. Oh, no. I think I started something very bad. You see, we were supposed to go to the movies today, but there was no matinee and he couldn't hang out tonight, so we just drove around town this afternoon for a couple hours and talked. Harmless, right? Well, guess what? We decided to park in a parking lot (since we'd seen all of town) and talk some more. There was a lull in the conversation. I jokingly mentioned the awkward silence.
He said, "No, I was just thinking... would it be moving too fast if I kissed you?"
O.O = me. I stammered out, "I-I, I guess not, I mean, I..."
"I guess not, or no?" he replied, laughing a little.
"N-no..."
So he leaned over and planted one on me!! And apparently he meant a more... in-depth kind of kiss, because he tried to *whisper* french kiss me!! ACK!!! I obviously pulled away and voiced my discomfort with the situation. I apologized, but explained that I was very new to these kinds of things. He responded that it was fine-- that he liked and respected girls who took things slowly.

So... things were fine after that, and we just talked some more, but... Oh, no!! What should I do?? I didn't kiss him back or anything, but... I feel so... so weird!
Sorry if I'm being a drama queen or overreacting, but what if he thinks I want to DATE date him now? What should I do?

Um, tell him. Now. Because, the longer you let things go, the longer you'll let him think you're OK with what happened. And not from experience since I don't date but from reading a lot of books so I can advise people who do (I'm a camp counselor, what can I say) french kissing is definitely a dangerous place to start on a touching scale. French kissing is one of the most intimate things you can do with a person, aside from the obvious. If he's ready to jump in and start your relationship on that intimate of a level, I'd say you jump out, or at least take a huge step back. Express your concern to him, tell him you think he has much more immediate expectations from this relationship than you do, and that you don't feel comfortable pursuing the relationship the way that he's leading. If you still think he'd be a good guy to date, I say proceed cautiously. Get an accountability partner pronto-- someone you know will make sure you're not getting in too deep with this guy. Overall just make sure you're setting the boundaries. Don't let him walk all over you. 16 is young to date anyways in my opinion, so I'd consider this really carefully and prayerfully if I were you.

EDIT: I didn't mention this, but I just realized that since you've never dated before, you might not even have thought through what your boundaries are yet, and that's really dangerous too. It sounds like you hadn't even thought about what you'd say if he asked to kiss you, and then you weren't comfortable when he did. That's probably because you had a boundary that you hadn't thought about, and because you hadn't thought about it he caught you off guard and crossed it. So I think you ought to sit down and really think and pray about what you think God would approve of in a relationship, and once you know what you're comfortable with, don't ever let him try to go farther than that. In fact, it'd probably be a good idea for you to tell him what your boundaries are so that he doesn't have to work so hard not to cross invisible lines. Of course that all depends on whether or not you actually want to continue the relationship, but honestly, it's good for any girl who is getting to dating age to have already thought things through.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Kissing that early in the relationship is not all that wise an idea. It's a mistake, just try and be more careful from now on. Learn self-control, put God first and trust Him.

[RedMage]

The first thing to remember is that he is probably just as nervous about the entire dating situation as you are,even more so.So don't worry.There's a famous story about General Grant early on in his Civil War career when he was told to attack
an enemy position.He was pretty nervous and anxious since it was his first command.But when his troops finally got to the Confederate position he found out that they had skedaddled.His conclusion was that the enemy commander had been just as nervous as he had been.
Now what has that to do with dating?This,that you're both in the same boat when it comes to it,you are both going to be very nervous and won't know much about what to do.So the best thing is to be yourself.If he doesn't like you for who you are that's fine,hopefully you will have had a fun time of it and will have had
good memories.

Grant was an officer in the Mexican War. No Civil War operation would have been his "first command."

OK, enough history class, back to dating stuff...

[Fionn Fael]

Whoa. That's...moving a little too fast. French kissing is a bit advanced, shall we say. For a first kiss, that's a bad sign that he's a little too physical.

I agree completely! I was taken completely off-guard. When he said "kiss", I was sure he just meant a simple peck on the lips, and I had never even done that with a guy!

I didn't mention this, but I just realized that since you've never dated before, you might not even have thought through what your boundaries are yet, and that's really dangerous too. It sounds like you hadn't even thought about what you'd say if he asked to kiss you, and then you weren't comfortable when he did. That's probably because you had a boundary that you hadn't thought about, and because you hadn't thought about it he caught you off guard and crossed it. So I think you ought to sit down and really think and pray about what you think God would approve of in a relationship, and once you know what you're comfortable with, don't ever let him try to go farther than that.

Fortunately, I have considered my boundaries, although I've never needed to test them before. I definitely am not ready to move so quickly-- with him or anyone else. By no means will I participate in any *cough* "making out", or anything close to that. The very thought disturbs me. I suppose I'll need to tell him that I don't want to go any further for a long time than a short, simple, clean kiss.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, everyone!! I really appreciate your help, and I'll post an update tomorrow if anything happens.

[andi]

You're not over-reacting--you need to know your boundaries, like Yumie said. And the guy needs to know those too.

I don't know you very well, and this is the internet where most people haven't met in person...but 16/17 seems a little young to be in a commited dating relationship--especially over long distance. You'll end up going away to college and meet a whole lot of other people...and high school (at least for me) becomes less of your world, so to speak.

I never had a bf until this past month--and I'm 20. And there's a huge difference between the teen years and 20/21. I've grown and matured more in one year than I have for most of my life. That's just sort of what college does. Agh.

Funny, my bf asked if he could kiss me (first time) last night, and it was just a little one on my cheek...but it is sort of the same situation as you have--I'm rather 'inexperienced' and he's had a gf before. But, you know what, I don't think he minds that I don't know 'how to act'--whatever that means! It is good to take things slow, and it seems like that's what you want to do. You're not over-reacting or being a 'drama queen'!

[USSRGirl]

Oooh hm... I was going to right something different until I read the French-kissing incident. On second thought I'll just second what's already been said... making out... alone... in a car is a bad situation for a 16-year-old to be in. I mean sheesh... I thought you just meant like kiss on the cheek and hug before saying goodbye type of thing. Don't take things so fast cause you'll regret it later.

Just be yourself, Fionn. Don't worry if he might think you're acting silly. Either he likes you for who you are without having to try to be "good at dating" or he doesn't deserve you. If he gets fresh like that... man just smack him. XD Well maybe refrain from violence, but seriously tell him definitely that it makes you uncomfortable. If your boyfriend asks you to do something that goes against what you know God wants you to do or how you feel you should act, DON'T DO IT. I'm sure the guy didn't mean any harm, and he's probably a good Christian from what you've said, but just the same if anything makes you uncomfortable just be resolute in saying straight-out "NO."

[samuraidragon]

I don't really have anything to add, just an endorsement of what everyone else has said. I agree with what Yumie said, just back out, like now; what he did wasn't appropriate for a first date, let alone just an excursion to the movies.

[Icarus]

If he gets fresh like that... man just smack him. XD Well maybe refrain from violence, but seriously tell him definitely that it makes you uncomfortable.

Self control is for those that can control themselves. If he can't, hit him.

[samuraidragon]

I agree, a good smack would show him.

[Fionn Fael]

EDIT: Sorry for the double-post!!! Completely accidental.

[Fionn Fael]

making out... alone... in a car is a bad situation for a 16-year-old to be in. I mean sheesh... I thought you just meant like kiss on the cheek and hug before saying goodbye type of thing. Don't take things so fast cause you'll regret it later.

Oh, no no no! We weren't "making out" at all. I can promise that no hands of either party were anywhere close to anyone else. And, as I stated before, I pulled away as soon as he tried to french kiss me, so it didn't really get that far. In fact, hugging and saying goodbye were the only things we'd done before. Trust me, I don't want to take things fast at all. That's what I told him yesterday.

what he did wasn't appropriate for a first date, let alone just an excursion to the movies.

Oh! Gosh. I'm sorry. I didn't specifically mention that we'd gone places together before. I met him at my church's Mystery Retreat, and we hung out a lot together then. Also, I played football with him and his family during Thanksgiving Break. But we'd never even come close to kissing before. I was glad he asked me first, though. That was nice. I just didn't expect... er... that kind of a kiss. He didn't know that I'd never kissed anyone before, either. I told him afterwards, and he was like, "Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! I'm not trying to corrupt you or anything!" Oh, and we weren't at the movies. We were just driving around town.

Self control is for those that can control themselves. If he can't, hit him.

I agree, a good smack would show him.

Oh, goodness! You all are making it sound like he forced himself on me or something! @.@ It wasn't like that at all! He completely accepted the fact that I wasn't ready for so much yet. But... if he does something like that again, I might just have to put him in his place. XP

We're going to the movies for real tonight. I'm nervous, but I'm just going to tell him straight out that I don't want to do anything besides hold hands, and possibly a short goodnight kiss. NOTHING MORE. Wish me luck!

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

I feel so naive. 23 and I don't even know what a french kiss is.

Be careful Fionn but good luck!

[Andy Reddson]

My apologies…
I didn’t realize you were only 16… My own fault. Sorry.

[Bobtheduck]

I feel so naive. 23 and I don't even know what a french kiss is.

[spoiler=sorta gross]It's when you kiss someone who's french, which is a disturbing thing... No, seriously, do you really not know what a French kiss is? It's basically where the two people involved eat each other's tongues... Excuse me for going to mush here, but after the feel of someone's lips against yours that you love-- that was the best I'd ever felt-- a chunky piece of muscle in your mouth is just an obstacle... The idea is that you're closer than just contact, but it never quite translated into that for me... It wasn't entirely unpleasant, but as some sort of next step, it wasn't all that great... I guess I prefer a slightly more subtle approach... Kissing as a whole, on the other hand... *melts* um... *cough* sorry... Since I've never kissed someone I wasn't in love with (because I only kissed one girl) I don't know what the experience is like when lesser feelings are involved... Man, now I'm really gonna go crazy...[/spoiler]

Um... Yeah... *looks around nervously*

Man, maybe I didn't want those memories brought up at this time... People said doing that on the first date is moving way too fast... That's true... reason #2,976 I'm not with the only girl I've ever loved... Of course, we still wouldn't be together if I hadn't kissed her, but I also wouldn't have had the level of pain I did when she ended up with another guy... You could say not kissing him is even protecting him from a greater hurt if the two of you don't end up working out. I'd say make sure there is an established relationship before you even get close to kissing... No "first date" stuff... And don't do it out of guilt, because that will just make you resent him. In fact, many people go until they're married before they kiss... I... probably won't be doing that, but it is worth a thought, and since a relationship requires agreeing on boundaries, putting a limit and requirement on a kiss is a good way to establish things early, I think...