Upon the wings of Heaven...

[onyxmoon21]

I've taken my story off this site because I'm afraid of people stealing it... but don't get me wrong! You guys were all totally awesome and I learned so much from you! Thanks, I can't express my graditude enough. You're all so cool and your advice just rocked! I feel bad doing this to you all... but in order to make sure my book is kept mine and not someone else's, I feel that God is compelling me to do this... I've always considered my story to be the work of His hands, and it's so precious to me I can't lose it.

Thank you all so much... :tears: I'll always keep your wise advice in mind!

Thanks and God bless!

[onyxmoon21]

[Magekind]

Tip 1: Try pulling your paragraphs a bit further apart. With everything all jammed together like that, it looks like one huge blob of data. When a person sees one huge blob of data, they immediately recoil. Their mind more easily skims over it rather than absorbing it. This is exactly what makes math books boring, all the data jammed into such a small area. Spread it a little thinner, put in more hard breaks and paragraphs. I've read little to nothing, but I also have problems with dyslexia.

[onyxmoon21]

[Esoteric]

Yes, I think that's what Magekind meant. Smart use of paragraphs also helps with pacing...in a strange way, it's kind of like telling the reader when to take a breath.
I read this a few days ago and meant to post but got sidtracked. You have a very broad vocabulary (something I find increasingly impressive in younger writers these days) and generally good sentence structure and flow. In these small excerpts, there really isn't too much I can quibble about. May I ask, what particular aspect of your writing you wish to receive advice about?

[onyxmoon21]

[Kaori]

I'm not 100% sure what you're talking about when you say, "pulling the paragraphs a bit further apart..." but is it something like this?

Yes, something like that. Since we can’t really indent when posting on a forum, it’s helpful to put a line break between paragraphs (anywhere you would normally indent).

I'm in the middle of writing a book (one that's been taking the past three-and-a-half years to complete, grrr...) and need some help. I know it's not the best writing skills, but hey, I'm doing my best!

First off, you should be commended for working on a project for such a long time; that takes a fair amount of patience and commitment. And really, there’s not much to complain about on the level of sentence structure. The writing is vivid, and you do a good job using interesting, active verbs. As Esoteric said, you use a nice variety of words in your writing, which is another strength.

One suggestion that I would make is to try to rely more on nouns and verbs for your description than on adjectives and adverbs. It’s a minor thing, but too many adjectives and adverbs can weaken your writing. Consider this sentence:

Others were still freshly slaughtered, their blackened blood still pooling beneath them upon the ashy earth.

Also, you tend to use quite a few verbs ending with –ing, which lessens their impact a bit.

The woman stared at them, silent tears cascading her soot-covered cheeks.
[. . .] She clenched her jaw and bared her teeth savagely.

What is the main emotion that you are trying to convey here? Sorrow? Rage? Both? If you were trying to depict the way people sometimes grimace when they cry, I know what to picture. However, as I read, it seemed that there was an abrupt shift from sorrow to anger, and we aren’t given quite enough information to understand how this happens so quickly.

The others in the room made a scene far from a normal. It beheld a woman, perhaps in her mid-twenties

You might want to reconsider the verb choice in the second sentence here. “Beheldâ€

[onyxmoon21]

[Esoteric]

I didn't make any connection with Jesus Christ regarding the 'two thousand years' thing. My only thought toward this aspect of the story was that it sounded a bit like a reincarnation. And while reincarnation is a very popular theme nowadays, it's not Biblical. However, it sounds like you've planned some other explanation for this '2nd life'.

As for other thoughts...may I suggest picking a diferent name for the villian's race? 'Dragons' are so terribly overused and cliched these days, and you've got such a wonderfuly unique name for the heroes with 'droy', perhaps you can come up with an original name for the villain. They can still look like dragons, but just change the name...make them sound more mysterious and foreign.

Last thoughts for the moment...if you're ever in doubt as to whether something will be confusing to the reader, remember: Less is often more. If a paragraph, is too wordy or confusing, don't be afraid to streamline it. A single, well-used descriptive word can sometimes be more powerful than three or four together.
Also, make sure a sentence couldn't possibly mean anything other than what you intend it to mean. -(this is advice from C.S.Lewis himself). Take this sentence for example, "Her eyes were on the chair." This sentence could have two meanings. 1: That she was looking at the chair. 2: That her eyes were literally sitting on the chair! I often make this mistake myself, so I wanted you to be aware of it.

[onyxmoon21]

[onyxmoon21]

[Kaori]

I know this is a lot to ingest, but my main point is no, I did not intend to protray her as Jesus! I'm so sorry I gave you that impression.

It was probably just the wording of the blurb in your first post that gave me that impression; based on what you’ve said, the issue probably wouldn’t actually come up based on a reading of the book itself.

Also, I think you're perfectly correct when you say that I haven't given you enough to chew on as far as the 'feeling' for my story. How rude of me!

Ah, I didn’t at all mean to imply that you were being rude, and I appreciate your willingness to share your work online.

Again, like in the other sections you’ve posted, you do a good job of describing the scene vividly; your initial description of Kahn gave me a clear impression of him. I liked your use of detail in several places, like the bone-white branches. There are, however, a few minor issues I would like to point out:

A solitary bird trilled in a nearby tree, yet all was quiet and still.

I like your use of the word “trilled,â€

[onyxmoon21]

[Photosoph]

I've taken my story off this site because I'm afraid of people stealing it... but don't get me wrong! You guys were all totally awesome and I learned so much from you! Thanks, I can't express my graditude enough. You're all so cool and your advice just rocked! I feel bad doing this to you all... but in order to make sure my book is kept mine and not someone else's, I feel that God is compelling me to do this... I've always considered my story to be the work of His hands, and it's so precious to me I can't lose it.

Thank you all so much... :tears: I'll always keep your wise advice in mind!

Thanks and God bless!

I saw the story a couple of times, but didn't actually get around to reading it.
However, I'm posting just to comment that I don't think taking it off is too bad of an idea at all; it does help to make sure that no one steals your idea; I haven't really posted any of my writing on this site or on the internet for just that reason.

All the best with your goal of publication, and I hope it all goes well. ^_^

God bless!

[Esoteric]

Yes, it's always wise to be cautious. Good luck with your publishing goal. I hope you will be able to market the book sucessfully...that's always the hardest part with self-published fiction.

[Photosoph]

Yup. When you publish it, if you let us know at CAA it'd be cool; knowing that you've been a writer like us and then got your work published is encouraging for one thing; and maybe we'd be able to find a copy of your published book at the stores and read it. ^_^

Again, all the best! As a short piece of advice that might be good, if you need an editor if you have someone appropriate for the job amoungst your friends or family, you could try to pick their brains. But you might want to be careful, because if you give it to the wrong person who isn't into fantasy etc, it might be discouraging. ^_^" Maybe just something to think about.

Cheers, and merry Christmas!

[onyxmoon21]

Thank you all for being so understanding and encouraging! It's funny to think that someday you may pick up my book at a bookstore and know that you helped it get there.

Thanks again and merry Christmas!

[Photosoph]

(*Didn't do much at all Especially not help editing like other guys *)

Merry Christmas! Yup, I'd love to pick up a copy at a bookstore someday. ^_^

[Jingo Jaden]

Merry christmas