Day In The Life of the GRG

[Zilch]

I read Cephas' play on CAA, so I decided to write one about the Guild(Calbhach and Inkhana run it, BTW). Without further ado...

Days In the Life of the GRG

Players:

Zilch(AKA Vash)
Calbhach
Inkhana
Da Rabid Duckie
Ronnie
Advocate Drix
Melody Maker
Some random people from CAA
(PM me if you wat to be in it, and tell me about yourself)

Act 1, Scene 1
Calbhach's house

(Calbhach and Inkhana are inside on an absolutely lovely day. But do they enjoy the great outdoors? Oh, no, my friends, they are inside playing Super Smash Brothers Melee...for the 35th straight hour. Smoke is rolling from their Gamecube.)

Calbhach: (eyes bloodshot and thumbs mashing the C stick on the controller)Muuuuussssttt playyyyy moooorreeee....
Inkhana: (thumbs and index fingers dislocated, playing with ring fingers)Crueeeellll Melleeeee.....

(Both collapse)

(As Calbhach is sleeping, the Lord comes to her in a dream.)

Calbhach: Lord?
Lord: My child, I have come to you to make a request. Actually, an order, because...heck...I'm God, and who are you to argue with me? But anyway(clears throat), I have decided that Christian gamers around the world need a place to call home. I want you to make a home for them online...
Calbhach: Online?
Lord: Most of these people will be in many different places, so the best way for them to come together is on the Internet...will you do it, my child?
Calbhach: Of course, Lord!
Lord: One more thing...
Calbhach: Yes?
Lord: Since this is a dream, can you make me a smoothie?

(Calbhach whips one up out of no where and hands it to the King of Kings. He walks off happily slurping the icy delight)

Act 1, Scene 2
Calbhach's house

(Calbhach wakes up 14 hours later with a gamer's hangover and a massive thumbache. She shakes her head, and then remembers her dream.)

Calbh: AHHH! I need to make a website!

(she rushes to her computer and 15 minutes later, the Guild of Redeemed Gamers is born. Meanwhile, a demon is nearby...)

Demon: What? The gaming industry is ours! Do you know how hard it was to get a hold of Rockstar?
Calbh: (whips head back and forth)Wha..?
Demon: (taps Calbh's head) I'm over your head, figuratively and literally.
Calbh: HEY! Who are you?
Demon: If it is any concern of yours, my name is Sephiroth, lord of the Satanic game realm.
Calbh: You can't be Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: Why not?
Calbh: A: You're not cool enough, and B: You don't have the Masamune.
Sephiroth: ...hmm...point taken...call me Kefka.
Calbh: Well...I suppose you're girlie enough...

(Kefka FKA Sephiroth shows great restrain...)

Kefka: Anyway, I have an offer to make...
Calbh: (looks suspicious) What's that?
Kefka: If you shut down this website, I'll get you four new memory cards for your Gamecube
Calbh: NO!
Kefka: Why?
Calbh: The Lord told me to put up this website, and come heck or heaven, I'm running it!

(Kefka draws sword)

Kefka: You're in luck. Hell has come to you!

(In mid-slice, a wad of C4 lands on Kefka and blows him to...well...you know...Da Rabid Duckie walks in, carrying bazooka, C4, and grenades.)

Calbh: Thanks.
DRD: No prob. A little boom never hurt anyone...'cept that girlie-looking demon...
Calbh: What's your name?
DRD: I'm Da Rabid Duckie. You can call me Duckie for short.
Calbh: But...you're not a duck...
DRD: So? A name's a name.
Calbh: But...you're not a duck...
DRD: So? A name's a name.
Calbh: But...you're not a duck...

(this stimulating conversation continues for a few minutes, then Duckie gives up)

Act 1, Scene 3
the GRG

Calbh: Hey, Duckie!
DRD: What?
Calbh: We got a new member! His name is Ronnie.
DRD: Maybe he can hold a better conversation than you...
(Ronnie walks in)

DRD: I like explosives.
Ronnie: I like Mega Man.
DRD: I like explosives.
Ronnie: I like Mega Man.
DRD: I like explosives.
Ronnie: I like Mega Man.
DRD: I like explosives.
Ronnie: I like Mega Man.
DRD: I like explosives.
Ronnie: I like Mega Man.
DRD: I like explosives.
Ronnie: I like Mega Man.
DRD: I like explosives.
Ronnie: I like Mega Man.
DRD: I like explosives.
Ronnie: I like Mega Man.
DRD: I like explosives.
Ronnie: I like Mega Man.
DRD: I like explosives.
Ronnie: I like Mega Man.

(Ronnie walks away. Duckie comes back to Calbhach)

DRD: What an intellectual...
Calbh:*sigh*

(Meanwhile...Kefka is busy. he poses over a 12-year-old kid playing The Sims)

Kefka: Perfect!

(Kefka sticks his fingers in the 12-year-old's brain. The kid quickly shuts down the game and goes online.)

Kid: Suddenly, I get this weird urge to find a site named the Guild of Redeemed Gamers and post something about something called yaoi...

(Back at the Guild...alarms go off everywhere)

DRD: (on a walkie-talkie) Calbhach! We have a troll breach! I repeat! We have a troll breach!

Calbh: I'm right here!

DRD: (looks sheepish, then tosses radio) Permission to commence Operation Blowtheshnotoutofthattroll, ma'am?

Calbh: Yeah...sure...(walks away, still wondering where the alarms came from)

DRD: Man all stations! Man all stations! Code 5! This is NOT a drill! Let's move, move, MOVE!

(Duckie grabs his bazooka while Ronnie grabs the Buster Gun. They charge in and spot the kid, in troll form, chewing on the GRG database)

DRD: OPEN FIRE!

(With more explosions than an old Bruce Willis movie, the troll is reduced to cinders...Calbhach walks by)

Calbh: Did I mention you're BANNED!(pulls out stamper with words "DELETED!" on it and slams it down on the trolls forehead!

(Back at the kid's house, Kefka is furious. The kid is playing The Sims again.)

Kefka:...they're tougher than I thought...I need to take out their leader...but how?

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Master Kenzo]

LoL! Now THAT's a funny story.

[Ashley]

Way to go Vashy! May your play have all the laughs, popularity, hilarity and entertainment as the original it so shamelessly rippped off of!

[Da Rabid Duckie]

Heh heh... I laughed, I cried, I blew stuff up. I like it!!

And um, where's Spencer and ShiroiHikari? :p

[Zilch]

Whoops! I'll work 'em in...

[Zilch]

Act 1, Scene 4

(Calbhach is banning trolls, Duckie is strengthening his detenator finger, and Ronnie is playing Mega Man 2 on the site's built in NES. Spencer and ShiroiHikari walk in)

Calbh: (looks at Spencer and Shiroi(that's too much of a mouthful to say completely) ) Hey, guys! (slams finger down on delete key) DELETED!

Spencer: Can I try?

Calbh: Sure, if you can handle it...

(Calbhach gets up from the computer, and Spencer sits down)

Spencer: Lessee here...User name: HeyI'matrollbanme...let's try...BALETED! (nothing happens) DELOTED! (again...nothing happens...)

(Five hours later, the screen is filled with commands)

Spencer: GALETED! DE LEE TED!...aw, crap...

Shiroi: Lemme try!

(Shiroi slams the keyboard and breaks it in half) DEEELLLLEETTTEDDDD!

Calbh: *blink*...wow...

Shiori: (full of exhilaration) My first banning! (makes a memorial)

(Meanwhile, Kefka is busy with his latest plot to bring GRG under)

Kefka: A tweak here...a tweak there...

TO BE CONTINUED!

[Zilch]

Act 1, Scene 5

(Kefka is still tweaking...)

Kefka: My evil plan is in motion!

(Back at the Guild...Advocate Drix walks in)

Drix: Ladies and gentlemen, I do not much care for your beloved board of CAA. Please excuse my opinion. Thank you...

(a shadow flits behind Drix)

Drix: What was that?
Shiroi: Can't you read the lines above you? It's a shadow!
Drix: (looks above him) oh...right...

(Suddenly, a screaming war cry is heard, not unlike the vocals heard in Tourniquet's first album. Zilch hurtles through the air, Gunblade poised)

Zilch: YOU DON'T LIKE CAA! DIE, MONGREL!

(Drix moves out of the way as Zilch lies on the ground in a crater)

Drix: What, pray tell, was that about?

(Zilch stands up, still clutching Gunblade)

Zilch: Enemy of CAA...must...destroy...
Drix: What's with the funny red plus signs above his head?
Calbhach: Those denote anger.
Drix: Okay...

(Ashley ambles in at the "funny red plus signs" phrase. She brushes Zilch off)

Ashley: There, there Zilchy, Drix didn't mean any harm.
Zilch: I TOLD YOU! MY NAME IS Z-I-L-C-H! ZIIILLLCHHH!! NOT ZILCHY!!
Ashley: (shrugs) whatever, Zilchy (she strolls back to CAA)

(As Ashley walks out, Inkhana walks in)

Drix: Hey, Ink.
Ink: Hey...

(Ink walks in again)

Zilch: Hey, Ink.
Ink: Hey.

(Again, Ink walks in)

Calbh: Hey, In...wait a sec...
Ink: What?
Calbh: Didn't you just...

(The other two Inks walk in)

Spencer: This...
Shiroi: isn't...
Ronnie: right...
Duckie: Which of you is the real Inkhana?
All 3 Inks: I am!
Duckie: tell you what (he hefts a rocket launcher)...I give you 3 seconds, or you become Ink rangoons for the local Chinese place's next special.
All 3 Inks: (they look at each other and laugh) That won't hurt us...

(The 3 evil Inks start multipling)

Duckie: ...demon zombie clones...

(The now 3000 Inks close in on our heros. Duckie fires off a few rounds, but they just pick up their limbs and keep moving. Zilch runs around, handing out katanas and rapiers and other implements of pointyness)

Zilch: Only steel shall settle this!(he draws the Gunblade) CHARGE!

(There is instant mass confusion. Calbhach takes out 3 few a few strokes of her dagger. Drix is wreaking havoc with his longsword. Duckie is laughing his head off while taking on 50 or more with his claymore. Ronnie is slicing away with a giant sewing needle. And in the middle of it all, Zilch is doing Renzokuken. The group puts up a good fight, but are hard pressed. They realize they may go under. Calbhach fights her way to the middle, joining Zilch and Duckie.)

Calbh: (ducks a claymore swing) Watch behind you, Duckie! (she pokes a Ink clone in the eyeball)
Duckie: (takes out a Ink clone threatening to bring down Zilch) Keep close guys!

(They form a circle in the middle of the conflict, dealing death and low interest rates to those foolish enought to get close. Just when all hope is lost, a light breaks though the ceiling, as CAAers pour in to reniforce the beleaguered GRGer's. Shatterheart and Gypsy slice a path through 76 of the clones. UC Psuedonym is destroying the evil Inks with the Amish Masamune. Master Kenzo is somewhere...eating donuts. The group rallies and defeats the foe.)

Calbh: (wiping sweat from her eyes) Phew! Thanks Gypsy and Shatterheart! We wouldn't have made it out alive!
Shatterheart: No prob.
Gypsy: Anytime.
Calbh: (motions to clone carcasses) Can you help us with the cleanup?
Gypsy: Guurooosss! Noooo! (runs away)
Shatterheart: I have an image to keep. (runs after Gypsy, the other CAAer's following...
Calbh: *sigh* figures...

(The real Inkhana walks in)

Ink: What happened here...?

TO BE CONTINUED!

[inkhana]

ROFL! I'm liking this one pretty good too... Hey, can I make a request? I wanna be the girl who carries Duckie's explosives...like a golf caddy but cooler. When he says "whip out the bombs!" I'm so there...

Be sure to give Spence lots of screentime, after all, he's the admin, not me...

[Zilch]

Don't worry, I'm making this thing BIG! He'll get plenty of pagetime.

[Icarus]

HILARIOUS! One thing, UC is a Mennonite, not Amish.

[Zilch]

I was just teasing him. I've known UC for awhile, he was on my CGA board. No hard feelings, right, UC?

[Zilch]

Author's Out of Character Troubles, Part 1

Zilch: Now, I'm going to let anyon...
Link Antilles: OOO!OOO! PICK ME!(waves hands like a kindergarder that has to use a certain relaxtion facility)
Zilch: Like, I said, just PM me if you want to be in it...
(Zilch gets 5,654,782 new PM's, all entitled "PUT ME IN IT!")

(Zilch goes to bed. He feels something warm at his feet.)

Link Antillies: PUT ME IN IT!
Zilch: *sigh*

[Link Antilles]

OOO! OOO! PICK ME!

Make that 5,654,783 now, just add another for good measure

[Stephen]

"I have an image to keep" *laughs*

[kirakira]

heehee! ^^ *grabs more ramen and watches*

[Da Rabid Duckie]

Needs more explosions.

What? I'm playing the character!

(for future reference, I prefer the speed and grace associated with a katana than a big clunky thing like a claymore. But I'll use whatever's around to administer stabbity death to a bunch of demon zombie Inky clones. ^_^)

And why does it feel like I've said this before? Hmmm...

Hey, can I make a request? I wanna be the girl who carries Duckie's explosives...like a golf caddy but cooler. When he says "whip out the bombs!" I'm so there...

I'm touched, Inky... I've never had a bomb caddy before...

[Zilch]

Act 1, Scene 6
Melody Maker's Metal Melody

(The gruesome cleanup job is done. The GRG is just sitting down for a long nap, when a new member, Link Antilles, bursts in and promptly begins speaking Huttese.)

Link: (Huttese welcome)
Calbh: Wha?
Ronnie:...erm?
Spencer: What in the blue heck?
Link: (Huttese confused phrase)
DRD: Right...

(Zilch walks in, just as Link gives up and begins walking out the door)

Link: Goop tu moo basa!
Zilch: I hope your juices stay fresh, too!

(Link turns around, amazed)

Link: You know Huttese?
Zilch: Actually, just tha...
Link: THIS IS GREAT! I've been looking all over for a place where someone speaks...
Zilch: I just know one...
Link: (continues his raving) Huttese fluently, just because I'm a Star Wars fan, and I love speaking alien...
Zilch: But I just know that phrase!
Link: (completely obvlious in his delerium)languages from the movies! I can do a bantha? Do you speak Bantha?

(Zilch walks away with Link following him, chunnering away. Melody Maker walks in)

MelMak: I composed a new song! Wanna hear it?

(The members look from one to another, and they collectively suppose their eardrums can take the stress.)

MelMak: Okay! Here goes...!

(the lights dim, and a Warlock guitar appears in MelMak's hands. Drums come from nowhere, and she begins singing like the guys from Living Sacrifice)

MelMak: BLEARRR! CARRR! MAAAAA WAAAA!!!!!
GRUUUFFFAAA! UHNTTTT!!!JAAAAHHHH!!!!
SARTHENFMFODNENFBHBUDUDNEHUUEWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

(insert pause for great guitar solo, then she goes into the bridge)

AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLYYYYOOOOUUUURRBAAAAASEEEEAAARRRREEE!!!!
BEEEEELLLLLLOOOONNNGGGTOOOUUUSSSSSS!!!!
AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLYYYYOOOOUUUURRBAAAAASEEEEARRRREEEEE!!!!
BEEEEELLLLLLOOOONNNGGGTOOOUUUSSSSSS!!!!
AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLYYYYOOOOUUUURRBAAAAASEEEEAAAARRREEE!!!!
BEEEEELLLLLLOOOONNNGGGTOOOUUUSSSSSS!!!!

FORRGRREEEEAAAATTTTJUUUUSSSTTTTIIICCCCEEE!!!

WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(MelMak then proceeds to slam her guitar on the floor. Zilch stops body-surfing, Calbhach stops moshing, Duckie stops setting off fireworks, and Link is trying to fix his hair that now makes him look like Don King)

Zilch: That...was...da...bomb...

(in the distance, Lightbringer can be seen being carried off in a stretcher, moaning about a big fat sweaty guy barreling him over then falling on top of him...)

Act 1, Scene 7
All Your Base?

Drix: *sigh* I'm bored
Spencer: Me, too...
DRD: I'm not! I have this wicked cool new system that that suspicious looking guy in a trench coat sold me! Told me it was top o' the line!

(Chris 4150 walks in)

Chris: Umm...Duckie?
DRD: Yeah?
Chris: That's an Atari 2600...
DRD: No, it's not! Look right here! (points to masking tape with the words "PS6" scrawled on it)
Chris: *sigh*
DRD: Let's try it out!

(They set the thing up to a surround-sound, Dolby-Digital, 85-inch screen. They turn it on, and it promptly explodes, spewing a green powder)

DRD: aw, crap...

(Spencer, Kirakira, and Zilch walk in)

Spencer: (waves away smoke) What happen!
Kirakira: Somebody set us up the bomb!
Zilch: We get signal!
Spencer: What!
Zilch: Main screen turn on.

(Kefka appears on the screen)

Spencer: It's you!
Kefka: How are you gentlemen?
Kefka: All your base are belong to us.
Spencer: (puts head in palm) What you say!
Kefka: You have no chance to survive make your time.
Spencer: (pauses, hand on chin, thinking) Launch all 'zig'!

(Zilch hops in a 'zig'.)

Zilch: You know what you doing?
Spencer: Move 'zig'!

(Zilch lauches in the midst of his mothership blowing up. He fights against incredible odds and saves the day...then wakes up from the sleeping gas with the rest of the GRG)

Drix: Oh, my aching everything...
DRD: Piece of crap! Twas a trap!
Chris: A trap you say? Nay! Nay!
Zilch: Alack and forsooth! Kefka is loose!
Spencer: Oh, fates of right and wrong! Calbhach, our leader, is verily gone!

(MelMak runs in amidst the chaos)

MelMak: ...why do I get the strange feeling I should be speaking Shakespereian? Anyway, guys...KEFKA GOT CALBHACH!
Spencer: Well...what are we waiting for! MOVE 'ZIG'! FOR GREAT JUSTICE!

(The GRG pauses, feeling that phrase is familiar, like it has been overused the last two scenes...then springs into action. They assemble a short time later. All are equipped with their finest battle regailia. DRD has a biohazard suit on, fully loaded with things that go boom, Spencer with his pirate array that doesn't so much good execpt make him look swashbuckling, Zilch with his leather jacket and Gunblade, and Kirakira, with her built in ramen-spewing armor. They line up, single rank, and march to Kefka's hideout. Spencer stands on a hill overlooking the place, an old, run-down K-Mart. Zilch joins him.)

Spencer: Somehow I get the feeling this won't be the last time we see this place...
Zilch: Well, yeah...the act just started...
(pause)
Spencer: So it begins...
Zilch: Don't cry...

(The ending goes out to all the FFX fans in the house!)(sings the Hymn of the Fayth)

[Master Kenzo]

Rofl Rofl Rofl Rofl Rofl

[Zilch]

(helps Master Kenzo up) easy, buddy...

[Ashley]

Wowsah. At least I never got kidnapped by demons...just got to kick their butts.

Oh and I got lines! How cool is that! You rock Zilch....*smacks hand over mouth before finishing nickname*

[TheMelodyMaker]

I always wanted to be a girl.

[Gypsy]

I always wanted to be a girl.

I was just peeking at this thread, and I see this?

[TheMelodyMaker]

I was only kidding, Gypsy. (Read how Zilch describes me in his play. ^_~ )

[Saint Kevin]

Well, you do have a girl avatar (kinda). I guess you're asking for it.

[TheMelodyMaker]

Yeah... I wondered if it would cause some confusion. And there aren't any gender icons at the GRG either. Still, Melody's my mascot; I can't give her up as my avatar.

[inkhana]

There USED to be gender icons...there was a problem when the board got transferred though and Calbh forgot to work on reapplying the mod...>.<

Although I did think that was pretty funny when I saw it, MM...XD I knew you weren't a girl.

[Zilch]

....ooooooooohhhhhhhh crrrraaaaaaaappp....

I'm so sorry! I just thought...you know...but it was...

[The_Marauding_Maniac]

I forgot about the GRG! You've inspired me to go back!

[TheMelodyMaker]

....ooooooooohhhhhhhh crrrraaaaaaaappp....

I'm so sorry! I just thought...you know...but it was...

It's all right, Zilch]thinks[/i] I'm a girl when I'm really not. ^_~ )

[Zilch]

Act 1, Scene 8
Conversational Skills(also...Zilch hits on Melody Maker)

(The GRG is mearching to war. In the meantime, they make small talk.)

Zilch: So...you're not a girl? Are you sure?
MelMak: VERY sure.
Zilch: You're too hot to be a guy.
MelMak: (stops and faces Zilch) For the last time...I...

(waits for Zilch to digest this)

MelkMak: ...am...

(another digestion pause)

MelMak: ...a...

(Zilch is getting full...)

MelMak: MAN! Do you understand me?
Zilch: (nods) Perfectly...so...what're you doing tomorrow night?

(Da Rabid Duckie and Ekul(AKA the Maurauding Maniac) are having a stimulating conversation...)

DRD: I like explosives.
Ekul: I like to spam boards up with meaningless phrases while watching endless Homestar Runner marathons.

(Duckie looks disgusted)

DRD: ...get a life, kid...

(There are more conversations like these, but hey were boring, unimportant things, like how they were going to rescue Calbhach and all that crap, so I'm sure you don't want to hear that...anyway...they arrive at the old abandoned K-Mart hideout..then again...you usually can't tell if a K-Mart is deserted or not...they outline their battle plans...)

Act 1, Scene 9
Damsel in Distress?(also...Falling Angels and Debates)

Spencer: Okay, lessee here...(draws line in dirt) this is K-Mart, and this (draws dots outside of line) is us. We need to get in(draws arrows from dots to past the line) here. Any questions?

(Duckie covers Zilch's mouth, Kirakira mumbles something about the flammibility of ramen noodles, ShrioiHikari thinks about dancing bananas)

Spencer: Good. CHARRRRRGGGGEEEE!!

(They race to the entrance. Kirakira arrives first, pulling on the door)

Kirakira: AHH!! It's locked!(she looks at door, labeled PUSH)...oh...oops...

(They charge in, only to find themselves outnumbered 15000 to 1. Kefka strides through, looking quite smug.)

Kekfa: Abdicate or expire!

(The Guild members look confused. Kefka tries a different approach.)

Kefka: Snooze or lose!

(The GRG scratches their collective head.)

Kefka: (slaps forehead) Must I resort to cliche? *sigh*...SURRENDER OR DIE!

(The Guild members brighten in recollection)

GRG: Ooooohhh....
Drix: Wait! Before this happens, let me say something.
Kefka: Can't I just kill you?
Drix: Well, you could, but not without great loss of life on your end. I propose...(insert zoom-in on face backed my speed lines)...a battle of wits...A DEBATE!
Kefka: About what?
Drix: Hate.
Kefka: ...aw...heck, why not? But what's in it if I win?
Drix: You get to kill us.
Kefka: And if you win?
Drix: We kick your demonic bums all around the toy section.
Kefka: Very well, I agree. Pour the wine!

(everyone looks at Kefka strangely)

Kefka: So I'm a Princess Bride fan, so what? Let's get started!

(Suddenly they are in a debate room, complete with dual pulpits.)

Kefka: Hate is a horrible thing(well, not to me cause I'm a demon, but...that's beside the point). It drives people insane, and drives people to road rage, homicides, and to take out people in front of them in Wal-Mart lines.
Drix: Hate, though often misguided can be a motivator of a frightful source. Correctly applied, and with the right mindset and attitude, Even an emotion/status rating such as Hate can be a good thing. ...I mean after all, even God hates things. Example, Divorce. Given the kind of damage such a thing renders tward those involved one can fully understand. Again, one of those things it's good to hate.
Kefka:...well...umm...you're stupid...and stinky...
Spencer: I think we have a winner...

(Kefka assembles his forces.)

Kefka: But we still outnumber you hopelessly.

(The demonic hordes close in, but their advance is interuppt by two bright lights, followed by a WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!KEERRRRRSSSPPLLLAAATTT!! Saint Kevin and Cephas, AKA The Apostle or St. Peter, appear in a tangle.)

St. Kevin: Get offa me, you misguided etheral missile, you!
Cephas: You got in my way, you heavenly bumturd!

(The two otherworldly warriors-turned-squabblers look around.)

St. Kevin: I believe we should focus on the task at hand...
Cephas: But we WILL continue this discussion later...

(They join the ranks of the Guild. Demons are heard muttering...)

Demon #36421: Aw, crap, we only outnumber them 15000 to 3 now.
Demon #42136: We're gonna die...

(The battle begins with furor. The warrior saints lead the charge into the demonic ranks, hewing all in their path. Zilch, Spencer, and Kirakira cut through the left flank using a combination of Gunblade, cutlass, and supersonic ramen noodles. Duckie takes out 500 or so with a well-placed land mine. Suddenly, Drix notices Calbhach tied to an old blue-light special sign. He races for her, destroying all in his path.)

Drix: I'm coming, Calbhach! (He jumps Matrix-style with longsword ready, time slows...thumpthump..........thumpthump..............time speeds up as he slices through the ropes binding her.)
Calbh: Thanks...
Drix: (while disemboweling a hordemember) Can someone get her weapon?
Duckie: Sure! Catch!

(Duckie tosses her a grenade...)
Calbh: Um...there's something funny about this grenade...AHHH!! THE PIN'S BEEN PULLED! EVERYBODY RUNNN!!!!!

(The Guild members make a tactical retreat, with Calbhach watching the back of the small group. She tosses the grenade behind her. In a panic, Kefka's forces try to get out. They push on the door.)

Demon #123425: They locked it!

(The demons notice the PULL label...but not in time...)

(really cool and really loud K-Mart explosion noise)