Deployed (Revised)

[VEGETA]

Can someone please reply this time. I know im new but come on. Im posting it here because i want to know what people think. I changed the wording in a few sentences so it flowed(sp) better.

Deployed

The engines of the C-130 roared inside the cargo bay. Overhead, a row of lights. The red shined brightly. No one said a word. Silence seemed to overtake every soldier as he waited.

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[Zilch]

(salutes as usual) Great work. Awesome.

[Icarus]

Good job, but it seems that there should be more.

[VEGETA]

Good job, but it seems that there should be more.

I ended it when i did intentionaly. It makes you wonder what happened once he hit the ground. Thats probably what you mean.

[Debitt]

Wow...for some reason this gives me a feeling of serenity and suspense all at the same nice. Very well done for such a short piece. I'll post a longer critique tomorrow when my internet isn't being wiggy.

[true_noir_chloe]

Great short section. I like them short, then I can usually have time to read them. ^_^

I want to say, boy every one is so upset that they're not getting comments and critiques. Sometimes, you just have to keep writing. People don't always have time to read everything here.

I used to write a lot more, but I don't anymore. I don't have time to post and then keep up with this stuff. Plus, my real writing, my real publishable stuff takes more time these days, so I don't come on CAA that much.

After all that, just be happy to write. I have a thread somewhere around here about Why I Write. I do it because I love to; I honestly love to write. Sometimes you just have to keep writing, if nothing else you'll definitely get better.

[Debitt]

From Kokoro: Hope you don't mind I red pen-ize it~

Deployed

The engines of the C-130 roared inside the cargo bay. Overhead, [no comma. Try reading this sentence out loud with the comma, it sounds halty and awkward] a row of lights. [fragment. Consider something like "Overhead there was a row of lights] The red shined [shone] brightly. No one said a word. [; maybe try a semi colon here instead of a period.] Silence seemed to overtake every soldier as he waited.

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[VEGETA]

[quote="Kokoro Daisuke"]From Kokoro: Hope you don't mind I red pen-ize it~

Deployed

The engines of the C-130 roared inside the cargo bay. Overhead, [no comma. Try reading this sentence out loud with the comma, it sounds halty and awkward] a row of lights. [fragment. Consider something like "Overhead there was a row of lights] The red shined [shone] brightly. No one said a word. [] Silence seemed to overtake every soldier as he waited.

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