just over a year ago i was involved in a house church lead by someone who i trusted. she was a young pastor who loved her kids and husband, and who had come through hell. she was a brain tumor survivor, and had gone through so much abuse in her life..so she said. she was very different as far as pastors go as she dressed as some would call "goth" (for a visual: black clothing, dark makeup around the eyes, short dyed black hair that usually had a bright colour, lots of tattoos and piercings).
for the record, i'm going to say right now that this is not a physical appearance bashing session. the events that took place, the things that went down between this pastor and i had nothing to do with the way she dressed. as i said in the intro, this is about where i am now, but to put it into perspective, i need to give a little background.
anyhoo, this church i was attending was all fine and good. it was a sunday evening, potluck style, praise and worship thing. when it boils down to it the only reason i went to that church was because all my friends did. i'm not a punk/goth girl. i wear bright colours, i like daisies and i listen to/play classical music. i'm not into screamo, i don't like heavy metal, and i cringe when someone plays How Great Thou Art with electric guitar riffs (*ponders* .. actually, done well, that might sound interesting..) [once again, not a bashing session. just putting things into perspective]. i guess the point i'm trying to make is i never felt comfortable there. when i tried going to other churches i was questioned as to why. why would i not want to hang out with them? i tried to explain myself, but they only heard what they wanted to hear, and that was that i didn't like them. that was not the case.
as time went on the church became less of a place to be with the Lord and more of a place to be ridiculed, disrespected, gossiped about, and accused. then we were called upon to give our tithes. the pastor was dismissed from her in-church pastoral job, and refused to get work because she felt she was above that, that she wasn't treated fairly, therefore she asked us to "help her out". it didn't sit right with me.
around the time this happened, i noticed some of the 'members' started to not show up. when this began happening, the pastor asked us to talk to them and find out what was going on. and then there would be lots of gossip, back stabbing, and manipulation. i eventually got sick of it all, and tried to leave too. of course, they would have nothing to do with that, and turned my only friend against me. incredibly long story sort of shortened down, i had it with them, with their manipulation, abuse, lying, betrayal, and self centeredness, and i told them point blank that they do not text, email or message me, communicate with me or otherwise try to contact me. it didn't work for a long time, they still used my only friend to try to get me to go back to them, but i stood my ground, and by the grace of God i was freed from them.
i thought my world had ended. i had lost my one friend and roommate, i thought i had lost the only group of people who would accept me (they were really convincing), and i thought i lost my only opportunity to play my violin and sing in church.
i was wrong.
God saw my desire to be involved in worship, and He saw my need for true, honest friends who love me for me. around may/june of last year He lead me to my current church. the first person i met in that church was the worship pastor's wife. i expressed my desires to her, she introduced me to her husband, and within a month i was on the worship schedule singing alto, joining the choir, solo violin and orchestra. i've never been so accepted in my life. i started dating (what seemed like) a great guy, and felt so special.
august of last year (2008), on my 22nd birthday, i was in a car accident that should have been fatal, but wasn't. my violin was also in the car with me, and got pitched while we rolled. i thought i had lost it (i paid for that with my own money.. i didn't eat for about a month after i bought it lol). it was in that time i realized that, yeah, i was free from a nasty group of people who only brought me down, but i wasn't really living for the Lord. it's amazing how a near death experience causes you to re-think your life. God loved me enough to smack me upside the head and say, "Smarten up!"
october of the same year i got baptized for the first time. i don't really know why i kept putting it off.. i think part of it was i wanted to be baptized in a church where i felt at home. life didn't get better instantly after that. my boyfriend (the guy who rolled the car on my birthday) nearly ran over me in a fit of rage, which lead to a very quick, and very nasty break up. *thinks* actually, all the crap that went down after my baptism was between him and i.
skip ahead to the new year (2009). the boyfriend and i had finally broken off, but he was still clinging onto me. his depression was at the surface, something i didn't see when i started dating him. as he was talking to me one evening, being a complete downer, i decided i had enough of depression. i had suffered with it for years, and made a decision that evening that i didn't want to suffer anymore. so during a long walk and talk with God, i asked Him to help me forgive myself for all the bad decision i had made.. cause that was what seemed to be holding me back. after i asked for that, i was filled with a sense of peace and joy that i didn't know even existed! God freed me from my depression, and all the crap that i went through, and i am so grateful! i'm still human, i'm still going to be upset, and get sad, but it's not overwhelming, it's not consistent, it's not inhibiting. i'm free. praise the Lord, i am free.
and now i have the best friend i have ever wanted, i have an amazing boyfriend who takes care of me and shares in my joy, i'm in my church playing every sunday.
i am a child of the High King, and i am free.
that's just a little bit of who i am. if you have any questions, feel free to ask.
thanks for reading 