Hobbes Zyphor - The Tale of a Nekin

[The_Marauding_Maniac]

This is the intro of Hobbes the Nekin, (New RPG, World Crystal Quest, and Arcadas Untium RPGs.)
* * *
Back when Hobbes was young, when his parents were still around, he was a very curious and adventurous type. His dad was named Harold, and his mom was called Carol.
Our story starts when young Hobbes Zyphor was running an errand to a Nekin who was a richer class. He gave Hobbes a formula that was to be hidden from all knowledge for a very long period of time. Hobbes was very good about keeping these type of promises, but on his way home he discovered the bridge to the road out into the country, where his house was, was destroyed.
He turned and looked towards where he just was to see an attack on the Nekins country. Hobbes wanted to fight, but he knew he had a very important formula. He decided to take a detour around the river. When he was almost to the end of the river, he saw a giant airship with the people looking around outside, and he immediately knew that these people were from Iciris, his Continents rivaling continent. At first he thought these people were the attackers of his hometown, but the attacker had no airships.
He wondered if the keys were in the airship and stealthily crept inside. To his joy he found keys in it. He pressed all the buttons and suddenly it blasted off on autopilot. All the guns and bombs and mechanisms started to turn on and function, including self-destruct. The autopilot took him towards Iciris and he leaped out the window, falling into a dragons nest perched on a mountain.
When he landed he could see that an orc was trying to kill a small dragonling. He drew his sword (wooden though it was) he hit the orc with it. The orc knocked it out of his hands and it fell out of the nest and down the mountain. He knew a little bit of Elements and used a bit. Normally it would of just knocked the orc back, but they were in a nest on a mountain, and the result was this: the orc fell from a great height. The dragonling was extremely grateful and let Hobbes keep him. It looked as if the poor dragon was an orphan.
He got home at dark and his parents were very worried. He told them the story that had just happened and they agreed in the end to let him keep the dragonling, who was then named “Flareâ€

[CobaltAngel]

How cool! ^-^ The story of Hobbes and Flare... you're a good writer and this proves it u.u Write more.

Coby's eyes say: Please double space. ._.

[The_Marauding_Maniac]

How do I double space? 0.o

[Icarus]

Welcome to my world. *evil EVIL EEEVIIL smile.*

With all respect Coby, I disagree. He is a young writer and it rather shows.

Suggestions? Hit the carriage return [Enter key] twice between paragraphs, it saves the eyes and lets people know when a new thought occurs.

Reread it, as somethings are repeated. Examples:

>>The orc knocked it out of his hands and it fell out of the nest and down the mountain.
//The orc knocked the sword out of his hands and it fell down the mountain. /*They are in the nest, the sword fell down the mountain, QED it is no longer in the nest.*/

>>He knew a little bit of Elements and used a bit.
/*Try not to use the same word twice in a sentence./ //He knew a little of Elements and used it.

Besides redundancies, some parts could be written better.

>>...knew that these people were from Aciras /*corrected spelling*/ his Continents rivaling continent.
/*See above about redundancy.*/ //...knew that these people were from Aciras, a rivaling continent.

The bad news is that it needs work. The good news is it's worth woking on. It is a good story that could just be told better. And added to. Yes, that is vitally important. It needs to be longer.

[CobaltAngel]

XD I'm not the best critic because I suck at writting myself... ^^;;; Those were good tips tho, Icarus...