I need a critique for my manga-script: Staress~*

[Infinitis]

Alight! I think this is the consept of the First Chaper
I would like it if you can critique for me!

~~~~If you have any suggestions on certain parts, please show where and highlight in [color="Red"]red[/color] what you suggest.

~~~~~I already know that I am horrible with Grammer and Spelling, so instead- I would like it if you could state critiques on the story (ex: What parts are confusing, What would you like to know more...)




[SIZE="4"]
NOTE! Each panel is represented by paragraph...[/SIZE]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[SIZE="5"][color="DarkRed"]Staress[/color][/SIZE]

[SIZE="4"][color="DarkGreen"]Part 1[/color][/SIZE]

COVER : The Royal Family of Tranquillia

Volume 1 : Berasheith

1- Map of Edonia: Tranquillia in center

2- Contents:

3- Inkling for Staress:

4-Chapter 1: We woke…


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5- Scene: Epic

In Our beginning

We woke prematurely (Thom, awake)

And were Deafened

By a Fallen Star. (The Fallen Star)

Darkness intruded

The hearts of Man, (Hands over hearts, anguish)

Rendering us…

…helpless.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

6- Scene: Epic shown more with illustration

Half of our people

Buried themselves (People in the shadows)

In the Darkness, (A hand on the edge)

While the others (Thom hanging on a cliff)

Sought for a Promise…(Crying out like a child)

“…from Abba, our Lord.â€

[USSRGirl]

It's a little hard to crit a manga script since once you draw the actual manga, some things will be a lot clearer than they are in the script and come off smoother. I'm no expert, but I shall try and give you some feedback anyway.

There were some grammar typos, but I'll leave them out since you said you just wanted crit on the story.

“And then??” A younger woman is on the edge with a smile on her face. Did you mean "on edge" as in edgy/anxious or on the edge of something (a bed? chair?)

Scene 12 was the most confusing for me - the transition between the speakers left me a little unclear, though drawings may help make that smoother. Mostly Infinitis'(I think she's still speaking?) last line about "little lights" was a bit vague, and I didn't immediately get that she's talking about stars (with the technological use in your story, I thought she might be "in character" referring to some sort of machine or something). Also, while I'm a fan of star marks (XD), I didn't really get where/why Infinitis has some sort of mark on her since the prelude seemed to imply that the children of the star were evil - or are they the same race as the two characters in the first scenes? Some clarification there would be nice.

The scene with Rathina's cellphone was funny and effective way to slam her serious, pious conversation to a screeching halt. XD

So far, the general plot sounds like it would make a good manga. My only crit on the plot is more of a personal taste thing - the use of modern technology and real world referrences like "Abba" can get kind of awkward in fantasy and make the story lose some of its feeling of being in the characters' world, in my opinion, though I have read some novels that have done a good job of avoiding that while still using real world referrences.

[EricTheFred]

My very strong advice is, stop writing prose if you intend to produce a manga.

I do understand that writing it out in prose and then chopping it up by panel is a very natural, almost intuitive first approach, but no pro scriptwriter, whether manga/comic or dramatic, writes this way, and they have a very good reason not to.

Basically, you have to separate for the end-user (the artist in the case of a manga) the dialog from the other stuff. The typical formats vary between comics (where there are multiple styles), Stage, TV and Cinema, but they have a common feature. You separate words (for drama, that's dialog and narration, for comics, it's dialog and caption) from setting, and from action. The three are clearly designated separately.

You also need to do this for yourself. You don't know how much you are leaving in your head and failing to put down on paper until you separate the prose from the script.

----------
The following is a page from one of my manga scripts. (All Rights Reserved, Copyright 2008 by Eric Fretheim.) Some of what is here may not make sense, since this is page three and I refer back to things in previous pages. Doesn't matter: the point is to see how I, (a) intro three new characters to the artist, (b) set what is shown in each page and (c) clearly note what is being spoken to the reader, as opposed to the writer talking to the artist.

There isn't any captions in this, but if there were, I would say 'CAP:' instead of designating a character, but otherwise give it like dialog. If a character is speaking in the caption, then it is 'CAP / CHAR NAME:' Most artists clarify this by putting it in quotes when they letter it in, but in Manga they might draw a little chibi face of the speaker instead.


PANEL 1: Low angle closeup of JAY casing the crowd, elsewhere in the con.

JAY (Sir Jason) Heraklean Knight and Federation Marshal. Real alien (actually a human who comes from 'Herakles', a human colony of Greeks created by aliens over 2200 years ago.) He came to Earth because a 'free stream' is opening up there from one of the most dangerous prison colonies, and the Federation Marshals need to 'plug the hole' until help can arrive from the Capital. Very strong, carries a sci-fi hand-weapon and can leap amazing distances. Wears a vaguely military uniform, which includes a chain with a large pendant, his 'Federation Marshal Seal', which functions as a badge, communicator, and sensor.

PANEL 2: Jay still looking around, but possibly not so focused, as he is sending a message to Theia. He does not speak out loud or move his mouth for 'radio' communications.

JAY (radio): MOTHER, TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE HERE. PLEASE TELL
ME YOU'VE LOCATED THE PORTAL.

PANEL 3: THEIA walking in a rugged landscape with ACHERON and two ARMORS, carrying a rifle and looking through binoculars.

Lady Theia is a Heraklean noblewoman and Federation Marshal Commander. She wears a similar uniform, very tight in her case, with a similar 'seal'. She is the mother of Sir Jason, and is in charge of security for 'outer sector Mu Gamma Four'. Cliché oversexed Manga mom. Same fighting abilities as her son.

Acheron is Theia's valet. He's a Bishounen-style fully humanoid robot. He is tall but not obviously muscular, other than good definition when we can see it. He is quite courageous and should look it. He should wear something more civilian looking, without a seal.

Armors are seven-foot-tall fighting robots. Blocky and dangerous looking. They have hands and feet to use weapons, rather than attached weaponry.

Like Jay, none of these characters open their mouths for 'Radio' communications.

THEIA (radio): I'M CLOSING AS FAST AS I CAN, DEAR!

JAY (radio): WE CAN'T LET THEM GET THROUGH TO THIS PLACE,
MOTHER! IT'S JUST TOO DANGEROUS!

-----------
Another example. This is copied from my script for a TV pilot. (All Rights Reserved, Copyright 2008 by Eric Fretheim.) It's from the intro. Different format because it's for a different medium. Notice however that setting work, camera directions and dialog are still clearly spelled out and separated. (n.b., 'V.O' means 'Voiceover'. Narration, in other words.)

FADE IN:

EXT. CLOSEUP OF FEET WALKING ON AN URBAN STREET, CLEAR DAY

This is JENNY'S feet from her own POV.


JENNY (V.O)

(Matter-of-fact voice)
Years ago, long before I was born, people
on Earth watched the sky, and lived in fear,
because of what could come from there.


EXT. JENNY PROFILE CITY STREET DAY

Close-up of her right side to clearly see the bluebird tattoo. This
is an urban environment, in a future prettier than Blade
Runner or Brazil but not as vibrant or garish as Fifth
Element. She wears her usual unmarked surplus military fatigues.


JENNY (V.O)
Nowadays, they think the war ended, because
the enemy colonies couldn't get past The
Shield. They're still too scared to talk
about it, though. They want to forget all
about the Terrors.


EXT. HIGH SHOT OVER JENNY DAY

Still the same street. Camera will pull back continuously, centered on
Jenny, until reaching a wide establishing shot.


JENNY (V.O)
That's why they shun anything that reminds
them. They'll thank the old soldiers for their
sacrifice, but they reject anything that
brings back the bad memories.


JENNY (V.O)
{A little emotion, now)
But if the war ended long before I was born,
why don't I feel safe?


JENNY (V.O)
Why do I have to sleep out in the cold every
night, and wake up every morning thinking this
could be the day I die?


The camera finishes pulling back. Now in a full establishing shot of
the city street.


JENNY (V.O)
(Stopped and looking
up into camera)
Because... it's all a big lie.


-----------------------

I might have a few things to say about your script, but I seriously think these are things that would be clear to you if you scripted it out instead of writing it the way you have. It would make more sense to you if you see it for yourself.

[Infinitis]

My very strong advice is, stop writing prose if you intend to produce a manga.

I do understand that writing it out in prose and then chopping it up by panel is a very natural, almost intuitive first approach, but no pro scriptwriter, whether manga/comic or dramatic, writes this way, and they have a very good reason not to.

Basically, you have to separate for the end-user (the artist in the case of a manga) the dialog from the other stuff. The typical formats vary between comics (where there are multiple styles), Stage, TV and Cinema, but they have a common feature. You separate words (for drama, that's dialog and narration, for comics, it's dialog and caption) from setting, and from action. The three are clearly designated separately.

You also need to do this for yourself. You don't know how much you are leaving in your head and failing to put down on paper until you separate the prose from the script.

----------
The following is a page from one of my manga scripts. (All Rights Reserved, Copyright 2008 by Eric Fretheim.) Some of what is here may not make sense, since this is page three and I refer back to things in previous pages. Doesn't matter: the point is to see how I, (a) intro three new characters to the artist, (b) set what is shown in each page and (c) clearly note what is being spoken to the reader, as opposed to the writer talking to the artist.

There isn't any captions in this, but if there were, I would say 'CAP:' instead of designating a character, but otherwise give it like dialog. If a character is speaking in the caption, then it is 'CAP / CHAR NAME:' Most artists clarify this by putting it in quotes when they letter it in, but in Manga they might draw a little chibi face of the speaker instead.


PANEL 1: Low angle closeup of JAY casing the crowd, elsewhere in the con.

JAY (Sir Jason) Heraklean Knight and Federation Marshal. Real alien (actually a human who comes from 'Herakles', a human colony of Greeks created by aliens over 2200 years ago.) He came to Earth because a 'free stream' is opening up there from one of the most dangerous prison colonies, and the Federation Marshals need to 'plug the hole' until help can arrive from the Capital. Very strong, carries a sci-fi hand-weapon and can leap amazing distances. Wears a vaguely military uniform, which includes a chain with a large pendant, his 'Federation Marshal Seal', which functions as a badge, communicator, and sensor.

PANEL 2: Jay still looking around, but possibly not so focused, as he is sending a message to Theia. He does not speak out loud or move his mouth for 'radio' communications.

JAY (radio): MOTHER, TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE HERE. PLEASE TELL
ME YOU'VE LOCATED THE PORTAL.

PANEL 3: THEIA walking in a rugged landscape with ACHERON and two ARMORS, carrying a rifle and looking through binoculars.

Lady Theia is a Heraklean noblewoman and Federation Marshal Commander. She wears a similar uniform, very tight in her case, with a similar 'seal'. She is the mother of Sir Jason, and is in charge of security for 'outer sector Mu Gamma Four'. Cliché oversexed Manga mom. Same fighting abilities as her son.

Acheron is Theia's valet. He's a Bishounen-style fully humanoid robot. He is tall but not obviously muscular, other than good definition when we can see it. He is quite courageous and should look it. He should wear something more civilian looking, without a seal.

Armors are seven-foot-tall fighting robots. Blocky and dangerous looking. They have hands and feet to use weapons, rather than attached weaponry.

Like Jay, none of these characters open their mouths for 'Radio' communications.

THEIA (radio): I'M CLOSING AS FAST AS I CAN, DEAR!

JAY (radio): WE CAN'T LET THEM GET THROUGH TO THIS PLACE,
MOTHER! IT'S JUST TOO DANGEROUS!

-----------
Another example. This is copied from my script for a TV pilot. (All Rights Reserved, Copyright 2008 by Eric Fretheim.) It's from the intro. Different format because it's for a different medium. Notice however that setting work, camera directions and dialog are still clearly spelled out and separated. (n.b., 'V.O' means 'Voiceover'. Narration, in other words.)

FADE IN:

EXT. CLOSEUP OF FEET WALKING ON AN URBAN STREET, CLEAR DAY

This is JENNY'S feet from her own POV.


JENNY (V.O)

(Matter-of-fact voice)
Years ago, long before I was born, people
on Earth watched the sky, and lived in fear,
because of what could come from there.


EXT. JENNY PROFILE CITY STREET DAY

Close-up of her right side to clearly see the bluebird tattoo. This
is an urban environment, in a future prettier than Blade
Runner or Brazil but not as vibrant or garish as Fifth
Element. She wears her usual unmarked surplus military fatigues.


JENNY (V.O)
Nowadays, they think the war ended, because
the enemy colonies couldn't get past The
Shield. They're still too scared to talk
about it, though. They want to forget all
about the Terrors.


EXT. HIGH SHOT OVER JENNY DAY

Still the same street. Camera will pull back continuously, centered on
Jenny, until reaching a wide establishing shot.


JENNY (V.O)
That's why they shun anything that reminds
them. They'll thank the old soldiers for their
sacrifice, but they reject anything that
brings back the bad memories.


JENNY (V.O)
{A little emotion, now)
But if the war ended long before I was born,
why don't I feel safe?


JENNY (V.O)
Why do I have to sleep out in the cold every
night, and wake up every morning thinking this
could be the day I die?


The camera finishes pulling back. Now in a full establishing shot of
the city street.


JENNY (V.O)
(Stopped and looking
up into camera)
Because... it's all a big lie.


-----------------------

I might have a few things to say about your script, but I seriously think these are things that would be clear to you if you scripted it out instead of writing it the way you have. It would make more sense to you if you see it for yourself.

Thank you so much for yor critique! I understand now that prose is not a good way to go. ^^;;

I've also decided to skip this intro and instead redo the beginning.

Thank you also for showing me HOW to write manga. ^^;; I've been BSing my way through it till now. Thank you again!