CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

The title of this story is "Maintenance" (though its brevity makes it more of a vignette, really). Additionally, I have a couple of other pieces I might post if there is a substantial response to this one, neither of which is nearly as negative as this one.

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“’Ello. Maintenance.â€

I like the reoccurring "Chink. Chink. Chink. Chink. '’Ello. Maintenance.'" You use it very effectively.

You also use very good imagery to portray the foggy cousiousness of drifting on the edge of sleep.

All around, very good. I am sorry that I do not have more comments. Your writing is simply superb. I truly enjoyed reading this a lot. I hope that you will continue to post more of it.

Oh, and, why did you title the thread as you did?

This little story effectively conveyed a state of mind, and I enjoyed seeing how you did that. I can't quantify everything that makes me feel this way, but I trust you have a good enough grasp of your own writing to have a sense for this. One detail: generally I don't like writing words the way they are actually pronounced, but " 'Ello" worked well.

But as for your intent and purpose in writing this, I am far less certain. I understand what happens on a superficial level, but not much deeper. Even after some consideration I don't think I understand the ending.

Thank you both very much for the kind comments.

Anna Mae wrote:Oh, and, why did you title the thread as you did?

*cough* Well, that’s because the pieces I mentioned at the beginning of the thread were turned down by my school’s literary magazine. If I thought that they could be published somewhere, I would not be posting them publicly on CAA.

Anna Mae wrote:I am sorry that I do not have more comments.

That's perfectly all right. This is a short piece, so I did not expect lengthy remarks from anyone--I'm just grateful that you did comment.

uc pseudonym wrote:One detail: generally I don't like writing words the way they are actually pronounced

Yes, that does get annoying pretty quickly when used in excess.

But as for your intent and purpose in writing this, I am far less certain. I understand what happens on a superficial level, but not much deeper.

Please don’t waste your time looking for some deep significance]Even after some consideration I don't think I understand the ending. [/quote]
The last line is a bit of a non sequitur. However, I do believe that it is indicative of the tone of the story as a whole, since it describes a series of events that are largely unpleasant. It wouldn’t be inaccurate to attribute the final line to the fact that we are seeing events through the eyes of the character, who by the end of the story is simply in a bad mood.

Is that helpful, or were you referring to the last few paragraphs, not just the final line?

Since I did mention multiple pieces, I will go ahead and post the next one. As you will no doubt notice, the tone of the following work is radically different from that of “Maintenance.â€

Heh. Yes, I did particularly enjoy that. My favorite sentence is probably:

Kaori wrote:Like the average feral dog, your writing should have spunk, and bite.

Kaori wrote:The last line is a bit of a non sequitur. However, I do believe that it is indicative of the tone of the story as a whole, since it describes a series of events that are largely unpleasant. It wouldn’t be inaccurate to attribute the final line to the fact that we are seeing events through the eyes of the character, who by the end of the story is simply in a bad mood.

Is that helpful, or were you referring to the last few paragraphs, not just the final line?

I was indicating more than the last line, but your explanation was sufficient to answer most of my questions. Only one remains, and I have somewhat of an idea about it: does the main character lash out at the end simply from the general store of irritation?

It just hit me that there will be no more to "Maintainance." That makes me vaguely sad. I really enjoyed it.

I also enjoyed "How to Write." As a writer, I found the tone amusing. You used good imagery to convey your point as well as provide humor.

Again, thank you both for your comments.

uc pseudonym wrote:Heh. Yes, I did particularly enjoy that. My favorite sentence is probably:

Like the average feral dog, your writing should have spunk, and bite.

Good. That line changed during revision, and I like to think that the current version is preferable to the original.

uc pseudonym wrote:Only one remains, and I have somewhat of an idea about it: does the main character lash out at the end simply from the general store of irritation?

There is also the fact that when she first sees him, she thinks he may have been the one who yelled "Guy on the floor," which is part of what irritated her in the first place. But the reason she says what she does instead of something more polite (or nothing) is due to her general irritation, yes.

Anna Mae wrote:It just hit me that there will be no more to "Maintainance." That makes me vaguely sad.

Hm. I suppose it does have a somewhat inconclusive feel. Although it was written to be a stand-alone piece, I had actually been toying with the idea of including it in some broader collection of vignettes. If I do that, however, it probably won't be any time in the near future.

Unlike the previous two pieces, which I consider pretty much finished, the following story is still in progress; it has been revised, but I will most likely revise it at least once more before I consider it truly finished. So, if you have any suggestions on how I could improve the piece, those would be very welcome.

As another note, this story comes far closer to my vision of what a Christian writer ought to be doing than either of the other two, which is part of the reason I saved it for last.

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In Praise of Winter

When I think back to that time, I most vividly remember weariness and hunger—and the infernal cold. After some weeks of traveling across the vast northern fields of ice and snow, our expedition had finally arrived at a tiny village in the middle of the frozen tundra. At this northern latitude, the winter nights set in early; already the light was beginning to dim, and our shadows lengthened as the sun approached the horizon. We came to a stop in the center of the village, my companions and I, and passers-by began to gather around us, asking who we were and why we had come so far over the ice in the middle of winter. The first curious bystanders fetched their neighbors, who then informed all their kin, and soon we were surrounded by a crowd of strange people, both shorter and darker than our own race, with brown skin and darker brown eyes. There were whisperings among the women and children: “See how pale they are, and how they shiver in the wind!â€

“It is beautiful, in the winter, when snow covers the ground and lies along all the twigs and branches of the trees, when kingly evergreens stand dark and solemn in the distance, and the wind dances in joy around their laden boughs. The silence after a fresh snowfall is unlike any other quiet—it is so still that you can hear the crunch of snow underfoot as you walk, and the air is as crisp and clean as the white carpet underfoot.

“It is beautiful when the sun sparkles off the white snowflakes, smiling out of the crystal-blue sky, and even more so when it sets and colors all the snow in gold and red and blushing pink, and the blue shadows of the snow banks stretch out behind them. No gems could compare to the ever-changing beauty of the morning sunlight gleaming on the snow.

“Have you any sight in your southern lands like the lights that wind through our night sky? They are like the path to heaven made visible, these glistening ribbons of light that trace their sinuous, mysterious way through the stars. They are never the same, these ethereal lights, and this is the only place in the world where they can be seen.

“And what can compare to the awesome power of our storms, when God himself makes the clouds his chariot and sends his wind gusting before him? Surely His name is great in the earth; the ice dragons emerge and revel in the tempest; their breath is like freezing wind and their claws like ice-shards. For their creator’s glory they sport within the tempest, and the high mountain peaks are given to them as their dwelling-place.

“Or what is like the feeling of resting safely inside the warmth of our mead-hall while these storms rage and roar at our very doorstep? The firelight dances gaily on the walls, throwing mysterious shadows about the room, and our furtive dark women glide around the long table of the hall, heaping it with food and bowls of golden mead. Above our heads shields and banners gleam brightly on the walls; the treasure our ancestors fought bravely for in battle adorns our wrists and necks richly, and secrets dance within the depths of our eyes.

“And it is all the more beautiful when the storm has passed and the world is covered in ice—beautiful and dangerous; and never do I feel more alive than when I gaze out upon a sparkling, icy morning, when a million diamonds lie heaped on the ground and hang on the trees, and the white sun shines on my face and I feel the cold air against my skin. Then my soul rejoices in its maker, for His works are wonderful. His is the earth, and everything in it, and I am a mere creature of his hand. Oh stranger, tell me this if you can: how can you love your God in a land with no hardship and no splendor? Answer me, and I will be silent.â€

I am uncertain if anything I have to say will be helpful, but none the less I will make an attempt.

One slight thing: for me there was a slight dissonance between the style of speaking (more archaic) and writing (slightly more modern). This struck me most when the first person spoke, possibly because of the first paragraph, because I didn't feel this nearly as much later on.

Also, I don't generally do this, but I'm going to directly ask what your intention with this story is. I assume at least a sub-goal was regarding the glory in God's creation. However, I found myself left with a bad aftertaste because of two things in the story that I generally do not like (in real life, regardless of literature). One is the pride following the argument, and the other is people debating whose homeland is better. But both of these are very specific to me and I doubt anyone else would comment on them.

uc pseudonym wrote:Also, I don't generally do this, but I'm going to directly ask what your intention with this story is. I assume at least a sub-goal was regarding the glory in God's creation.

The story had multiple purposes, but the idea of God’s glory as revealed through creation was more of a main goal than a sub-goal. My primary purpose, as the title implies, was to write a story praising winter and to express some of the reasons why I myself enjoy the season. (This story was initially written in the spring and summer of last year, by the way).

A secondary purpose was to convey some of the value of language and of storytelling (although the term “storyâ€

uc pseudonym wrote:Also, I don't generally do this, but I'm going to directly ask what your intention with this story is. I assume at least a sub-goal was regarding the glory in God's creation.

Ah, you beat me to the punch (by a long shot, I might add).

I enjoyed the flavor of the writing style that you used here.

Kaori wrote:My primary purpose, as the title implies, was to write a story praising winter and to express some of the reasons why I myself enjoy the season.

I wholeheartedly agree with you. In my opinion, winter is the most beautiful season of them all.

Thanks for bumping this. I had intended to give my response a bit more thought and then this thread got lost in the shuffle of events.

Kaori wrote:The story had multiple purposes, but the idea of God’s glory as revealed through creation was more of a main goal than a sub-goal.

That comes through. I was just being overly cautious because I didn't want to assume I knew everything you intended.

Kaori wrote:However, I don’t think that I succeed as a writer in bringing out any noticeable character development.

That's somewhat true. However, I didn't the impression of attempted character development so much as a general conclusion, so while it may not been what you were aiming for I think it worked fairly well.

[quote="Kaori"]There isn’t really much I can say to that except to point out that the exchange is without rancor. Even though there is a clear winner, the contest is intended to help both sides come to an appreciation of the other’s land.

This is going to sound terribly pedantic, but I believe that part of the artist’s role is to reveal beauty and order where others might not have seen or noticed it. Visual artists do it by creating compositions that are visually pleasing, though the subject matter may not have been something that is usually considered beautiful. And that is also essentially what both characters are doing in this story: they are saying, “This is why I love my homeland.â€

There isn't anything else I intend to post in this thread, but thank you both for reading and commenting. I appreciate the feedback.