CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

I got this idea while typing an e-mail to a friend who made a Gillbert & Sullivan style rhyme (he's a fan) about where he worked. It gave me the idea to write this - I wont call its style G&S though.

I'm not entirely satisfied with the ending which seems a little bit forced (especially the 2nd last verse) and it does not entirely fit the sardonic tone of the rest of the poem. But I'd like some criticism - if you have some harsh ones, dish it out. I don't mind. I prefer hard criticism more than complacent good notices. But that's just me.

I sit at my Desk

I sit at my desk
(that is where I lurk)
And ponder some ways
to reward your hard work.
I came up with something
and you'll like it too
I'll reward your hard work
with more things to do.

I thought of some spreadsheets
That needs to be made
And some bathroom tiles
That need to be laid
What? You’re an artist?
Of graphics? You are?
I can’t really see
Why you cant wash my car.

You work really hard
On that full-page today
I’m sure you can handle
What I throw your way.
You worked through night
And was next day fine
And never complained
Of no overtime.

You protest my decision?
I don’t understand
Oh no, thats impossible
I can’t give you a hand.
My schedule is full
I have lots to do
Which makes it hard
For me to help you.

I sit at this desk
And I do my job
My schedule is full
My time you can’t rob
I have golf at ten
And lunch at noon
There is no real way
I could help you soon

At two I have golf
I play twice a day!
I manage the paper
Better that way!
At five leaves my plane
To the land of Monet
To talk to my boss
And he’ll raise my pay!

And you want a raise?
That I can’t allow!
How will we stay true
To our budget now?
The budget is sacred!
To divert would destroy
My perfect track record
Oh how you annoy!

You are so ungrateful!
Don’t I pay you enough?
Compared to my job
Yours isn’t so rough!
My lunch could be poison’d
My airplane could fall!
You don’t know a thing
Of my stress at all!

Get out of my office
And get back to work
Go back to your PC
That is where you’ll lurk.
If you don’t like it
There is the door!
We’ll get a replacement;
We wont pay him more.

I sit at my desk
Here high at the peak
The decisions I make
Are perceived as weak.
They are all against me
They all want my pay!
But I’ll show them all!
I wont fade away.

I’ll put all the sales
Back on its track!
What’s written in red
They’ll soon pen in black!
The bosses in Europe
Would sing out my name!
And praise my ideas
For making it rain!

I sit at my desk
Here in the West Wing
I sit at my desk
And I feel nothing.
No joy of a job
So very well done
And even in golf
There is no more fun.

I once had a wife
Who waited at home
She didn’t wait long
After 12 months in Rome.
I once had a god
But I threw that away
‘cause I could not golf
on a sunny Sunday.

I sit at my desk
And marvel at me
I sit at my desk
And still I don’t see
I own a black Porsche
And a red Ferrari
But I can’t understand
Why no one likes me.

Man, this is great! But as you said you wanted criticism, I'll do my best to give you some pointers.

If you do want something more sardonic for the ending, perhaps you could change his attitude so he really doesn't care that no one likes him, and bring that in as a twist at the end, or incorporate the idea that the worse he feels about himself and his job... "the worse I'll take it out on you". These are just ideas; I really enjoyed this and don't see much to criticize. Though perhaps, just because of its length, you might want to take out a verse or two to help it move along a little quicker. Depends on what you think though; that could just be a matter of opinion.

Photosoph has a good point. The poem is broken into two POVs. First, the sardonic employer, Second, the lamenting employee. If the employee's attitude were more flippant, it would keep the same feel. Or perhaps not flippant....Perhaps his own problems need to be more absurd than realistic.

For example, maybe his wife doesn't leave him over twelve months in Rome, but twelve months in Rome with a pretty female assistant and he honestly can't figure out why his wife was upset. Or you could go completely the other way with his problems. She could leave him after being gone for two days. But in either case it need the same sort of incredulous nature which the first part has. That's just my opnion. It's a great idea for a poem though. I love this kind of stuff.

Esoteric wrote:Photosoph has a good point. The poem is broken into two POVs. First, the sardonic employer, Second, the lamenting employee.

Actually it is all from the POV of the employer.

Esoteric wrote:She could leave him after being gone for two days. But in either case it need the same sort of incredulous nature which the first part has. That's just my opnion. It's a great idea for a poem though. I love this kind of stuff.

Hmmm. I'll have to think about that.

Photosoph wrote:Man, this is great!

Thanks!

[quote="Photosoph"]If you do want something more sardonic for the ending, perhaps you could change his attitude so he really doesn't care that no one likes him, and bring that in as a twist at the end, or incorporate the idea that the worse he feels about himself and his job... "the worse I'll take it out on you". These are just ideas]

Hmmmm. I'll have to think about that as well. I dont think I'd make the changes (if any) soon since I'm suddenly very busy.

But thanks for the response, you two. This is the first poem I wrote in ages that I'm actually taking seriously (to a degree). I have posted another "humorous" poem here about a flea but that was just plain silly.

Really? They're both the employer? Hmm, yeah it really felt like two different people to me. But it's good you're having fun with it. I'm trying to get back into writing more too (but no, I don't post stuff. I'm paranoid. ) It's difficult finetuning something, but when you finish, it feels so nice. So, heres to having more time to write!

The part that says:

I sit at my desk
Here high at the peak
The decisions I make
Are perceived as weak.

is basically where the mood of the poem changes: the CEO / manager is now alone in his thoughts and his concerns come to the surface. it is supposed to illustrate that the boss of the company is very insecure actually in his position - even paranoid (this is first indicated by him saying that his food might be poisoned). Things aren't going well and he's hoping to get things back on track but his priorities are confused. he has a "good track record" which suggest that he might have been good once but he's now loosing some of his drive because he's not really running the company. That is what the 2nd part is supposed to mean to the rest of the poem - it gives it some context. If its successful is another question.

Ahhh, okay. I see it now. I think the best solution then is an actual break in the poem. Make it into two parts labelled "CEO External" and "CEO Internal" or something to that effect. That would clear things up for obtuse people like me.

Esoteric wrote:Ahhh, okay. I see it now. I think the best solution then is an actual break in the poem. Make it into two parts labelled "CEO External" and "CEO Internal" or something to that effect. That would clear things up for obtuse people like me.

Nah = I thought about it. It would be prudent but I dislike the break in the poem's pace it will cause. Anyway, I think its slightly too long and I might have to change the ending - I'll have to see.

Well, it's still cool as it is; lots of humour and excellent ideas for verse.

Perhaps a little paranoia can be a good thing. ^_^" At least, IMHO, if you don't post stuff online you have the certainty it won't get stolen, but if you don't then you have to force... erm, I mean... 'ask'... a family member, friend or similar to help you with editing it.

Well, good luck with the poem, whatever you decide!

Photosoph wrote:Perhaps a little paranoia can be a good thing. ^_^" At least, IMHO, if you don't post stuff online you have the certainty it won't get stolen, but if you don't then you have to force... erm, I mean... 'ask'... a family member, friend or similar to help you with editing it.

Yeah, since the stuff I write is usually novel length, I don't put my ideas out there in hopes of someday submitting them for publishing. Yeah, I got tons of family I could ask to read stuff. My biggest obstacle is that I haven't had much time for writing in two years. Yeah, but I'm gonna get back into it, honest! <cracks knuckles and begins typing>

Awesome poem my friend! It has that whole Scrooge and Bob Cratchet feel to it. At first I felt bad for the office peon… Poor guy. Then at the end I felt bad for the boss… Poor soul. I also like the religious addition at the end. Good point, well done. There were a few things that need to be fixed to help the flow:

1.that's where I lurk
2.You worked through the night
3.And the next day was fine
4.I can’t give a hand
5.oh the stress of it all!
6.Go back to your desk
7. That's where you will lurk
8. Here in the "West Wing" (Take that out, it sounds too much like your talking about the US president when you say the “West Wing.â€

Thanks for the comments, Ben. I'll try and see if I can bring out the revised poem later this week. I'll see which of those I can impliment.

It would be cool to see the revised version. ^_^ All the best!