Let's Rewrite an Ending That Fits

[Heaven's Cloud]

Alright just a story I wrote, and I hope to get to the second chapter of this. Thanks for viewing!

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Let’s Rewrite an Ending That Fits

Part One-Chapter I
Sometimes when I sit at home I think of all the things I have succeeded in an all the things I have failed. Sometimes I also think of stuff that I wanted to succeed, and some stuff that I did not. Most of it is on the bad side, and most of it is on the good side. I guess I could say that there is a little more on the bad side.
When I was little my mother died in a car crash, and my father died in war. I never knew my name, and yet I still do not. Most people such as the villagers called me ‘Lisa’s Son’, or ‘boy’. Most of the time, it was boy. Usually I did not mind being called both of those, but now that I am older, it rather bugs me. I would like to know about my past.
I never knew anything about God. No one had ever told me, let alone taught me. I never went to church, but since last year. The reason why is because Lord Gonda wanted all of the villagers to go. It was then that I learned everything about him. It was then I learned how the earth came to be, and how people came to be. The priest has taught me everything I know. I have not been to school, just taught simple math, grammar/spelling, and a little history. So far, I think I am doing well.
I do not have many friends, just the priest and the fellow church children. I think I have about three friends. Two of the friends are, the priest, and the Reverend, and the other one is the Priest’s son.
Now I am not much of a smart boy, but I knew my politics. Right now, the Lord Gonda had just elected three knights. None of which I knew. However, I had heard the names before. Both of them were talented knights. I hope I get the pleasure of meeting them some day. Right now, I am of to work. My job, well all the villager’s jobs as well, are to plant food, and pick it for the Lord. I also build the Lord stuff, and write him stories. Our Lord is very nice, and he says I am a very talented author. Someday I hope to be a writer myself.
I was just finished with my job when I came across some knights. It was illegal to run through the forest without a pass so I had to hide. I was a very good hider, and I snuck around wherever I went. I finally got past them and made it to the Priest’s house. He was making me dinner, and we were going to play chess, and write stories. Such great fun I have with the Priest and his son.
I ate supper with him, which was Steak, Green Beans, Mashed Potatoes & Gravy, and milk. Therefore, after that we played chess. I beat the Priest’s son (which is Alexander) but lost to his father. Alexander and I started writing stories; we came up with good starting chapters. Alex and I both enjoy writing stories, and we are both good. I heard a noise outside of his small house, and it sounded like knights talking about an ambush by bears. All of a sudden, someone knocked on our door.
Scared silly I froze immediately. The Priest opened the door and a man asked him a couple questions. He wondered if I was there. Someone said they had seen me in the woods without a pass

[true_noir_chloe]

This is a narrative. It's not really a story yet. You need to place people inside your story and have them see and smell and touch their surroundings. You do this with metaphor and by having some dialogue and more than what you have here. This is just a quick overview of what you want to accomplish. It reads like a journal entry, but not a story.

I think you have basic sentence structure down. You have the ability to write and I'd really like you to go over this and think about what you want your character to "do." For example: It's like you have him talking about how he walks through the town. Well, show us. Have the scene where he's walking through the town, all the descriptive of his surroundings and then people are talking to him and he forces a smile and a wave at the people whom he knows look down on him. You have to show your readers a picture with words when you write, or they'll leave and go to the next story.

I hope you the best and I hope you don't take this as a negative comment. Remember, show, don't just tell.