Juggling Plums - revised edition 2004

Postby **Kesshin** » Sun Jul 18, 2004 11:33 am

My mom used to be, but eventually she had so many kids it just didn't work any more. :sweat:

You know how it is... *shrugs* After that, she didn't buy any more expensive furniture. She tells us, "I'm going to wait till you kids are off in college, THEN your father and I are going to buy nice furniture." And I say, "Ah, but when my siblings and I get married, we'll bring your grandchildren over and THEY can mess up the furniture." Then my mom just laughs, and tells me to not eat in the living room.

Postby **true_noir_chloe** » Mon Jul 19, 2004 2:04 pm

LOL Kesshin. ^___^ Sometimes I'm glad I only have two kids; but, the more the merrier, right?

Anyways, heres the next installment. My daughter read this Friday, but I am only putting it on here now. It's action, and I get worried over action scenes since I'm not UC at this. T__T

Jugging Plums, Part V

[font=Times New Roman][size=100]Henry ripped the patio door nearly off runners, looking for Glory. â€œGlory! Glory, you gotta see this! Glory!â€

Postby **true_noir_chloe** » Mon Jul 19, 2004 2:06 pm

(cont)

Glory popped up between two branches and onto the bar counter. It was obvious this was a workout for her, as sweat poured off her brow and she was breathing hard.
[font=Times New Roman][size=100]â€œHenry, I said get out of here!â€

Postby **Icarus** » Mon Jul 19, 2004 3:05 pm

:cool:

There was one thing you may not have noticed as you typed. In the second post, eleventh paragraph, second line from the bottom. I think you left out a "him" after "nearly decapitating."

Postby **Kesshin** » Mon Jul 19, 2004 4:03 pm

Wonderful, Chloe. That's the only word for it. ^_^ And as far as action scenes go, I think you did just as well as UC does. o_O But man, that tree is scary.

Saru (Kesshin's little bro): What?! Don't tell me you're scared of a tree. That's the most stupid thing I've ever-

Kesshin: *stuffs a sock in Saru's mouth* There. That's better. For your information, little bro, trees are scary the way Chloe writes about them.

Saru: *Mphh*

Postby **true_noir_chloe** » Mon Jul 19, 2004 9:28 pm

LOL, again Kesshin.

Icarus, thanks for pointing that line out to me. Actually, I have trouble with which would be preferable. I'll ask for your advice here.

The way I have it now:
>>A branch from the direction of the hearth whizzed past him, nearly decapitating.

Should I change it to this?
>>A branch from the direction of the hearth whizzed past, nearly decapitating him.

Is this what you meant? Okay, thanks for reading guys. ^_____^

Postby **Icarus** » Wed Jul 21, 2004 1:51 pm

Yes, it is. No offense meant, but the way it is now, you pause for a beat expecting to be told who or what is nearly decapitated.

Postby **true_noir_chloe** » Wed Jul 21, 2004 3:48 pm

Thanks, I'll go change it. ^_____^

Postby **EireWolf** » Sat Jul 24, 2004 5:25 pm

Scaryyyyy!!!! I'll look at trees with a new respect now.... :grin:

Did you add more to the scene with Caleb? It seems longer than when I read it last.

As usual, the story is fabulous. Needs a few minor edits, but is fabulous nonetheless.

Postby **true_noir_chloe** » Sun Jul 25, 2004 8:52 pm

I love that word, "fabulous" Eire. ^___^ Thanks for saying that about my writing.

Yes, I added to the scene with Caleb. And, this trees bark is worse than its bite. LOL

Postby **Kesshin** » Mon Jul 26, 2004 4:12 pm

>>>Yes, I added to the scene with Caleb.<<<
Having not read the un-revised addition (Or is it called the original edition? o_O Kesshin is confused), I didn't know you had added to it. Still, I thought the scene was great. You can never have enough of brown-haired blue-eyed bishies.

Saru: *whacks Kesshin over the head with a sock*

Kesshin: Hey! What was that for?!

Saru: Stop being all mushy; you're making me queasy.

Kesshin: And this is coming from a boy who has flirted with every single girl in his class?

Saru: *brandishes the sock* Do you want some more?

*Note: Yes, scenes like this do happen at my house; on an alarmingly regular basis, too... We're pretty weird. :sweat:

*

Postby **Ducky** » Mon Jul 26, 2004 10:09 pm

I like this story! The kid's are really cool and their reactions to thier parents divorce any everything is nice and accurate. Henry talking with his shovel is priceless :lol:

and Glory's infatuation with Caleb is funny.

Postby **Rachel** » Tue Jul 27, 2004 4:41 pm

gnarly! hehe, i've always wanted to say that!

Postby **true_noir_chloe** » Fri Jul 30, 2004 3:31 pm

Hi Ducky, thanks for reading my story. ^__^

Rachel, that was a great use of "gnarly." I knew a guy in Cali who would say that as every other word in a sentence, and it was usually followed with "dude." ~_^

Postby **teepanee** » Sat Aug 07, 2004 7:28 pm

Other than just the minor technical mistakes, "Juggling Plums" is certainly well-written by capturing the realistic and humorous antics of kids, such as Henry's dialogue with the shovel (quite innovative~!) and Glory's discourse with Caleb (ah, young 'uns *^_^*).

Like Eire, I like the description of the mom and could see her develop into a strong minor character. Even tho the dad isn't an "active" character in your story, I like how I am grasping his personality through other means, as reflected in Henry (his interest in archeology, mimicking) and lil' descriptions you insert (such as the screensaver, hehe).

The tree is creepy! Could they really do that? O_O What will happen, how will this develop?

So far, I'm not sure what else I can "constructively cristicize." =) Let those creative juices flow freely~!

I am so proud of you, keep it up! :hug:

Postby **true_noir_chloe** » Sat Aug 07, 2004 8:04 pm

Thanks, teepanee. *hugs* ^___^

I know I need to write the next section of this, but I'm pretty sure it won't be for another week, possibly two weeks before I get to it - other committments. Anyways, thanks for reading it teepanee and the comments.

Postby **Kesshin** » Tue Aug 10, 2004 3:44 pm

Those commitments wouldn't have anything to do with the terrible, looming darkness that is back-to-school, would they?

Postby **true_noir_chloe** » Tue Aug 10, 2004 7:01 pm

Why yes, Kesshin, they do have to do with the terrible, looming darkness you speak of. ~_^ I also have other committments though.

Anyways, I never told you how much I enjoyed another one of your little conversation pieces with Saru. They always make me laugh out loud. See you around.

Postby **Jaltus-bot** » Thu Aug 12, 2004 5:20 pm

I love this story

Postby **Spiritsword** » Sat Aug 14, 2004 11:09 am

I finally got around to reading this, Chloe! I'm glad I did--it's very interesting and well-written so far. In addition, I like the humor you infuse into the story. Henry is my favorite character so far--he reminds me of an imaginative, inquisitive child I know...

And like others, I think his conversation with the shovel is great! :lol:

I look forward to reading more, keep up the good work!

Postby **true_noir_chloe** » Wed Aug 18, 2004 2:01 pm

Wow, two new readers of my stuff. I'm so... happy. *cries tears of joy* ~_^ Thanks for reading this and I hope to have more up in a week or two. I think I've been saying that for a week or two. *heh*

Anyways, I'm glad you love the story Sherherazade and Spiritsword, my fellow CLAMP fan, your words were so kind - thank you.

Postby **true_noir_chloe** » Sat Aug 21, 2004 9:38 pm

I need to thank Hitokiri first off for giving me necessary sword information for this next section. If it is incorrect only my misinterpretation of his information is to blame, certainly not the resident swordophile, Hitokiri. Thanks Hitokiri, for the help. ^___^

Juggling Plums, VI

He wasnâ€™t sure how many minutes had passed; but, he knew that he had to stop crying and start thinking of what to do. Glory couldnâ€™t be dead. She was probably buried in branches and waiting for him. Waiting for him to come and save her with Aunt Karen and Scott. This was no time for crying.
[size=100][font=Times New Roman]Henry wiped at his eyes, sniffed up any remainder of tears and then began to think. â€œWhy would the tree grow like this?â€

Postby **true_noir_chloe** » Sat Aug 21, 2004 9:40 pm

(cont.)

Why, he ran tears welling and smearing over pupils, splashing on his glasses, why was this happening?
The drive was a simple tarred road, meandering, looking like any nature trail you would embark on in a local zoo or preserve. Behind Henry the house could no longer be seen. The tears clouded over his sight like a window on a car with broken wipers, so he ran in a murky state of shock until he ran into the tall stranger.

[size=100][font=Times New Roman] â€œWhoa there,â€

Postby **Rachel** » Sat Aug 21, 2004 11:46 pm

hello. i'm glad you posted more of this. it's pretty cool. umm...yeah...i think it might make a little more sense if you switched these two paragraphs

[quote="true_noir_chloe"]

[size=100][font=Times New Roman] â€œWait a minute,â€

Postby **Icarus** » Sun Aug 22, 2004 12:30 am

Hmmm. Sister dying... Sword... Sword... Sister dying. The heck with it, let's go with the sword. LOL

I love this section.

Postby **Kesshin** » Sun Aug 22, 2004 11:59 am

Awesome section, Chloe!! ^^
One little thing, though. Henry's conversation with Caleb was a little long. I mean, if I was stuck in a house, possibly being torn to pieces by a vengeful tree, my brother would want to get help as soon as possible. I hope... ^_^;;;

Saru: Heck, yeah! I'd grab that sword myself and kick some plant butt!

Kesshin: *sniffle* Then you DO wuv me! T_T C'mere, widdle bro.

Saru: Ack! No, for the thousandth time, I- don't- like- being- HUGGED!!

Just another typical conversation with my brother. ^^

Anyway, my silly little comments aside, great section. Don't mind me. I've been around Saru too long to be taken seriously anymore. XP

Postby **true_noir_chloe** » Sun Aug 22, 2004 2:17 pm

Rachel, I switched the two sections. Icarus, I think I'd go with the sword too. And Kesshin, the heck with the sister - this is a really cool sword. LOL You have a very sweet brother. Mine would have talked about the sword for a while longer.

Anyways, I will think of changing the scene's length. It was shorter and I thought it came off a little rushed, so then I tried to make sure you could see a bit more personality in the scene. I honestly don't think you all would have liked my more rushed earlier version. I think sometimes if you rush through a scene people get lost as to where emotions develop from. In this scene Caleb is basically as much of a nerd as is Henry, he just looks "really good" for a nerd. ~_^

So, thanks for reading thus far guys. I will probably place only a few more sections, get you to where you find out what happened to Glory - don't worry all is good - and then stop writing. I'm in the middle of some other projects and although I love this story, and where I know this story will go with these three main characters, its down at around 4 on my list of things to do.

Postby **Jaltus-bot** » Sun Aug 22, 2004 2:47 pm

[was going to finish last night but was too tired] Wow, intriguing development. *applauds work

* I wonder what Caleb is going to do with the sword. *looks for a former True_noir_chloe piece Icarus recommended, is that OK to add?*

Postby **true_noir_chloe** » Mon Aug 23, 2004 3:55 pm

sheherazade wrote:*looks for a former True_noir_chloe piece Icarus recommended, is that OK to add?*

Please tell me he's not pointing you out to my other "unedited" stuff. -__-;;

Postby **Icarus** » Mon Aug 23, 2004 6:02 pm

It won't happen again. Gomen

Juggling Plums - revised edition 2004

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