CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

After reading your newest chapter, I have a bit better advice to offer you (hopefully). Instead of trying to change your writing style instantly (because that won't happen; it takes every writer a long while to get good at their craft. Though you're heading in the right direction, so keep it up!), something simple you can do with your writing is read it out loud, as if you were reading this to someone.

Pay special attention to several things as you read it aloud:

- Where you have to pause for breath as you read Though, you actually don't seem to have trouble with run-on sentences as much as fragments. As you read, pay close attention to where you put punctuation and how you end sentences.

- Listen for changes/transitions. This one's a tad hard, but it can help both you and your reader by creating easier to read paragraphs. Let's take the first part of your story for example:

Hovering in the night sky over Red web city, an unknown spy watches the full moon lit streets as it glistens with the dew of a passing mist. This months moon light has the bright glow like that of virgin blood, and is a sign of destruction to come upon this carousing city. As the hours drift deeper into the night, this mysterious vessel scans the dark alley ways, and roof tops. (created new paragraph from here, since the flow is shifting from describing the scene to the spy noticing the two men)
The hour strikes 10 on the clock tower, and he spots two men meeting discreetly by a dumpster in an abandoned parking lot. He descends closer like a quiet whisp unnoticed, and hoams in on their conversation. His eyes record their every move, and he can sense their hatred as he stood over them waiting for something. Key words from their lips alert his keen sense of hearing as they discreetly make a transaction swapping a package for an armoured suit case. (another new paragraph from here since in the next part you're jumping into the spy being noticed by the two men)
As the two men part their own way, the spy in the sky is seen by one of them as he gets into his vehicle....(con.)

(I can't/don't know how to use TAB on the forum, but keep doing that for the beginning of each paragraph)

- I could go on and on about your use of words, but I won't because I want you to challenge your own use of words (if I just gave you words, it would be my writing, not yours). Listen to what words you use. More specifically the words you are using to describe things/situations. Would a different word be better? Does it sound too repetitive? Too cliche? etc. As much as I admire your use of "virgin blood" to describe the moon (it brings up an interesting image), I'm not sure if it brings up the image you want it to. XD; Just be mindful of what words you use as you read and write and use the dictionary and thesaurus to find the words you need if you don't know them already. Or double check the meanings of the words you are already using.

- Use a word processing program with spell check, but don't rely on that alone. Spell check can miss a lot of fatal errors in typing (e.g. "I liked that movie" vs. "I licked that movie." Both spelled collectedly, but each have very different meanings...>_>; ) Reading your work out loud can force you to look at it more closely and thus notice any subtle errors you may have made.

That should be enough to get you started and hopefully looking at your writing more thoughtfully and carefully. Overall, start simple and don't try to take on everything at once. You won't become an awesome writer overnight (even by listening to our advice. XD), but you have improved since your first post, so I can tell that you've been taking this to heart and are trying to become better.

EDIT: Because I should actually read comments before I post. Two things: If you are writing a script, WRITE A SCRIPT. Scripts are not written in novel format (which is what you have now, so there is no possible way anyone would read it as a script). Also, it's great that you read the Bible, because it's a good piece of writing, but it has a specific purpose. Are you saying your writing has that same purpose? Something to consider about your writing as a whole is what you want to accomplish, or rather, what purpose does it serve? People read the Bible because it's the Bible, regardless of what the writing style is. But I doubt your writing can hold the same...power, for obvious reasons. Something one of my art professors once asked me, "Does your art have a purpose?" If not, don't make it. If you don't care enough to have a purpose, no one will care about the nameless you and your terrible art. You are nothing special if you don't care to make your art worth something. But, if you want to make something worthwhile, make it and make it well, but have a purpose behind it.
Basically, don't pull the "I'm writing because I like it" crap. That's for hobbyists. If you want to be a professional, take it more seriously and do what you need to do to become better.

Again, best of luck!

Red_web_city wrote: I think it would be better to read my work as a script to get tbe main idea of what I'm trying to reveal.

If davidizer is right about the infodumping, you should absolutely NOT be doing that in a script. In a book an infodump is irritating. In a script an infodump or description dump is IMPOSSIBLE unless it's a note for the art/costuming/set department to describe something they need to work on, but that's usually a separate document from a script that the script will just refer to, not actually included in the script. That monologue is going to have to be broken up as well if it's a script because nobody will sit through something that long just being read to them by a character who's just writing. I'd suggest looking up script formatting, and maybe some sample scripts to see what they usually contain. Last of all, this cannot all be narration from the main character in a script, first person narration is almost never functional in a script format in this volume, even in an introductory section of a movie.

Red_web_city wrote:I dont read books, only the bible

Honestly how do you expect to get any better in writing a book if you won't read any books? You wanna write a script or a screenplay? Then read some plays. I mean the Bible is an important book (or collection of books) and all... but it's not exactly good literature... If you're serious about writing then you should be serious about reading.

It's like someone who wants to learn how to draw but doesn't study or even look at art. It doesn't make sense to me.

Also:

I SHALL NOT HAVE AFFAIRS WITH DRAGONS!!!, I cried out.

Now mythological zoophilia is just weird...

Mr. Smartypants wrote:Honestly how do you expect to get any better in writing a book if you won't read any books? If you're serious about writing then you should be serious about reading.

It's like someone who wants to learn how to draw but doesn't study or even look at art. It doesn't make sense.

This so much. The way to figure out what works in writing is lookinng at what's worked in the past. Dig into the classics, the books that have stood the test of time; they're still around because they're good! You're building a world here - get into Tolkien or George Orwell. Want to write solid, believable characters? Dostoyevsky, Jane Austen, Victor Hugo (especially if you're planning to filibuster the story to express your ideas!) Sci-fi? Philip K. Dick, Ray Bradbury, Jules Verne. Emily Dickinson is a sharp, incisive poet. Combining the supernatural with the realistic? Get into Neil Gaiman. Big, thick, technical stories? Neal Stephenso, Umberto Eco, or Tom Clancy. And since you're in the Bible already, look up David through 1st and 2nd Samuel, his life is an incredible story.

I could be here all day; just hit the library and ask what they'd recommend. Go wild!

I finally took the advice & reconstructed the script
Heres the link: https://www.evernote.com/pub/ralphgallo ... hGallozajr

I made it two lines in.

This seasons moon light seems to have the bright glow like that of virgin blood, and it's possibly a sign of destruction to come upon this carousing city.

Uh if you don't want your readers to think you're a serial killer, I would suggest not writing stuff like this.

OK. Well. Out of all the drafts you've posted, this one most resembles writing of some quality. But only until you start reading it. Your grammar's gotten better, but only slightly - go over commas again, just a tip. Commas are beautiful things and should not be misused. I'm also not sure if you're trying to write a script or novel anymore - you can't do both, so stick with one. If it's a script, learn the format - this should help out mightily. If you're writing a novel, fix the dialogue. Put it in quotes, use "X said" type constructs, put each characters' dialogue in its own paragraph.

I'm going to go through this a couple chapters at a time, because dang, you write a lot of words. From the top!

Prologue

So you start off with an infodump. This'd be all right if you assumed your readers were sort of familiar with the setting or this was a continuation of a plotline from the last book, but since this is your first story in the series, you probably have to use a scene of some sort to pull in the reader. This scene seems like it'd be better in action than having you describe it second-hand. Do a flashback from where they found out they had a mole, have the mole report to the terrorist leader. Have the terrorist guy send out his threat about the bombs, or NEON's desperate scramble to disarm them. Write about these street skirmishes that are going on. There's so much going on here, and you take the laziest way out to describe it all. ANYTHING would be better than this - you've got a ton of potential to work with here. You can do so much better than this!

Scene 1

First off, you've got a lot of weird issues with verb tense, I mean, "striked?" Pick one and stick with it.

Your prose is very, very purple - heavy on airy, descriptive prose and metaphor at the expense of getting to the point. Your story's an action story, you should put some more effort to getting to the point of things. Use flashes of color and description with discretion, but make sure the clarity of what's happening is the number one thing. Did the watcher's eyes "seem to" watch everything below, or did they really watch everything? And then you get back into infodumping instead of describing the scene - show, don't tell! This is where those flashes of color come in - use those things to expand the scene.

What's up with the stuff in brackets? You don't need those if you're writing a novel. Write those things out in the story. Describe Jumper's fighting styles, the combinations of moves and all that, don't just have someone say "wow, your fighting is a combination of styles." (Telling rather than showing seems to be a theme this time around, hint, hint.) And speaking of saying things, that's some sucky dialogue there, no offense. Nobody talks like that, not even a combat robot. And stretch it out a bit, don't just have Vessel O blurt out that he's a super prototype combat fight thingy and what his mission is, this is some kid he just met that he's talking to. Take this chance to build up their relationship, develop character, that sort of thing.

Plot twist idea - what if that gang wasn't as evil as you're telling us? Or better yet, maybe you could show us that they aren't totally on the level? Just throwing out ideas here. Anything to make this thing better.

Also, Jumpstyle is a dumb name. Thank goodness you don't use it again in this story.

If you think all this criticism is harsh, try submitting this to a serious publisher, because you're really serious about this, right? In fact, go do that, see what happens. I'll bet you they'll laugh you out of the door, in the state this story is in. I doubt you'd even get any criticism, either, it'd just go straight into the wastebasket three lines into the story. Read more books, edit and reread like nobody's business, and be prepared to murder your darlings, the sacred cows you've built into the story as you've written it.

Ok you have a few pointers there davidizer, and for the "serial killer" comment, I will try to keep it on a lighter level for the youth because I was trying to grab the readers attention for the first few sentences. Also I have an episode 1 written of Kibakars origin, check it out before reading script. And brackets are containing visuals for anime. Thanks again everyone

in the story, Red_web_city wrote:This seasons moon light seems to have the bright glow like that of virgin blood, and it's possibly a sign of destruction to come upon this carousing city.

bright glow like that of virgin blood

virgin blood

Red_web_city wrote:and for the "serial killer" comment, I will try to keep it on a lighter level for the youth because I was trying to grab the readers attention for the first few sentences

for the "serial killer" comment... I was trying to grab the readers attention

Also, it's "reader's", not "readers". "Reader's" is the possessive form (and the attention you wanted to grab belonged to the reader, yes?) and "readers" is the plural form (referring to more than one). If you wanted to do both (refer to the attentions belonging to multiple readers), it's "readers' ". An excellent way to encourage people to read your work is by having well-written posts.

FllMtl Novelist wrote:

in the story, Red_web_city wrote:This seasons moon light seems to have the bright glow like that of virgin blood, and it's possibly a sign of destruction to come upon this carousing city.

bright glow like that of virgin blood

virgin blood

Who knew that virgin blood had a special glow to it. Does it lose that new car sme-, err sheen once deflowering has occurred?

Seriously, take stuff like this out. It makes you look like you don't know what you're doing. Though...

Ok thanks, yes readers I meant multiple readers...anyway as for the bright glow I was speaking metaphorically because holy blood has a much lighter color than defiled or a dead mans blood... I giess you need the spiritual eyes to see the difference

Red_web_city wrote:Ok thanks, yes readers I meant multiple readers...anyway as for the bright glow I was speaking metaphorically because holy blood has a much lighter color than defiled or a dead mans blood... I giess you need the spiritual eyes to see the difference

Or maybe you need to not use terrible metaphors and then insult peoples spirituality when they didn't get it.

e: virgin blood != holy blood. The blood of a virgin is strictly the blood of someone who has not had sexual intimacy with another person. There is nothing inherently "holy" about it. And to claim that the blood of non-virgins is defiled is patently ridiculous as there is nothing that would support this claim other than maybe some whackadoo teachings by a preacher using scriptures out of context.

Red_web_city wrote:Ok thanks, yes readers I meant multiple readers...

Their attention, or them? Because if you just meant them, you shouldn't have the word "attention" right after because then the sentence makes no sense. It reads like "I was trying to grab noodles treehouse". Do you see the problem? And if you meant their (the readers') attention, then you should've used the correct form in your response or I can't help but think you're blatantly, rudely disregarding my post.

holy blood has a much lighter color than defiled or a dead mans blood...

...Have you, like, acquired samples of a virgin's blood, "defiled" blood (whatever that means), and a dead man's blood and compared them all?

If you haven't, where are you getting this information?
If you have... I'm really glad you don't know where I live.

I giess you need the spiritual eyes to see the difference

Putting aside what "the spiritual eyes" could even be (I mean... wut), if you need some special power to understand the simile, it's not a good simile. The writer's job isn't to impress with his spiritual powers or his smarts or his anything. It's to make a story and then stay out of the way so the reader can enjoy it. A good writer is an invisible writer.

And that's a little factoid which, in addition to proper grammar, you could easily learn without people criticizing you if you'd pick up a book and try to learn about your supposed passion. Really, it'll save you a lot of embarrassment.

If virgin's blood really does glow, why is no one making money off of this? For reals, man.
But seriously, I don't think that term means what you think it means. It's actually a phrase that can be interpreted in a lot of ways, and "glowing" is not one of the first. You're trying to be cool or holy or whatever and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for being naive to stuff, but the whole phrase is really messed up just to describe the color of the moon.
In fact, I run into this a lot with student artists (and beyond). Not enough people actually THINK about the stuff they put in their work, so when, hey, people see sexual, political, theological, etc. themes in your work that you weren't even intending to put in there, then yeah, that's your fault, not the readers' (granted, some people will just be weird about interpreting stuff, but you can avoid it. It's not impossible). You're responsible for what your readers see in your work. If you're not responsible, your reader will think you are not worth their time (same with publishers, critics, etc. No one will care about you if you don't care about them first.)

So as you're writing, think of all the possible ways something can be interpreted, then try to be precise as possible so you can direct your reader in the proper direction. Taking a simple example from your story, "snake infested swamp", how could that be visualized? Or rather, how do you want it to be visualized?
Is the place covered in snakes? Is it overrun where you can't even walk that well because, well, SNAKES (jumping snakes to be precise)? Or is it more of an Anaconda deal where there are freaking huge snakes trying to eat you? Plus, snakes are not as common in swamps as much as crocodiles are. Because when you think swamp(jungle included or not), you think crocodiles, not snakes. Unless the snakes killed all the crocodiles. Also, how deep is the swamp? How is the character running through it?
But do you see what I mean? You have to give proper thought to EVERYTHING you write. Ask questions constantly.

An all encompassing question to ask yourself when writing, art making, etc. "What is my reason for including [something you have in your work]?" or "Why is this important?"
If it's not important or doesn't have a reason, throw it out. Or burn it, whatever you prefer. Be safe with fire, though!
Always have a reason for everything, and not a dumb reason like "it sounds cool!". You're work can be AWESOME, sure, but that can't be the only reason you put something in a work. In fact, what makes something awesome is that is has an awesome reason to be there.

Anyway, I probably should have mentioned this at first, but you have improved a bit since your last edit of this story. It still has a lot of confusion in the story and it's still really boring and annoying to try to read, but try about 20 more rigorous edits and you'll be at a pretty okay level, I think.

Good luck.

Ok ty all