Aegis Emblem

[LadyRushia]

Way to make it all suspenseful~!

The statues of long gone Aegi gazed down upon us as we gazed upon the letter from the ruler of Iraein,

Replace one "gazed" with another word.

Chaos and destruction, fire and blood. An image of a girl and a little boy fleeing from the jeer of spiked-armed beasts.

Put little dashy things or something; make it a complete sentence.

Anxiety grew in my heart as we approached the capital village.

Sounds awkward. You could just say, "I grew anxious as we approached the capital village" or something.

[quote]As we made our way through the street, people gazed at us in awe and surprise, some whispering to others.
“The Aegi have returned,â€

[~darkelfgirl~]

Ack! She strikes again...
Thanks Rushia ^^. Just waiting for the Hokage (sp)...XD

[LadyRushia]

My editing was so awesome that it made a seventh page. Also, this is my
200th post.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Hehe. This is my 600th and something post...

[USSRGirl]

Ahh! Don't get suckered in Arden! It's never a good thing when someone sends you a letter out of nowhere - it's either someone trying to kill you, collect taxes, or get you to subscribe to a toothpaste magazine. o.o;;

I enjoyed this most epic of updateness! *nod nod*

I offer this grammatical commentary in the interest of pleasing the grammar ninja so she won't steal my car:

"There’s not telling what has occurred to'in' sounds a little smoother/more correct to me I think these villages"

[LadyRushia]

You are very much correct, my comedic commie comrade. Your car is now off of my List of Objects Lacking Shinobi Contact, or LOLSC. My favorite part is that "LOL" is present, XD.

In all seriousness, the writing was definitely better this time; it just flowed more.

I didn't know toothpaste magazines existed. o.o

[~darkelfgirl~]

Hmm, toothpaste magazines...

Thanks! ^^ I write better when I'm not stressed.

I don't have a car, therefore, it cannot be attacked. Booh hooh. XD

[Anna Mae]

So sorry to divert the conversation from the topic of toothpaste magazines, but...

"Unaware, a noise came from my mouth." misplaced modifier
This states that the noise itself was unaware.
Also, is this deliberately in juxtaposition with "said Blanc, unaware."?

"The statues of long gone Aegi gazed down upon us as we gazed upon the letter from the ruler of Iraein,"
I actually liked your choice of "gazed."

"Anxiety grew in my heart as we approached the capital village."
How about "Anxiety welled up in my heart..."?

Plotwise, you have interesting new developments.

[~darkelfgirl~]

So sorry to divert the conversation from the topic of toothpaste magazines, but...

"Unaware, a noise came from my mouth." misplaced modifier
This states that the noise itself was unaware.
Also, is this deliberately in juxtaposition with "said Blanc, unaware."?

"The statues of long gone Aegi gazed down upon us as we gazed upon the letter from the ruler of Iraein,"
I actually liked your choice of "gazed."

"Anxiety grew in my heart as we approached the capital village."
How about "Anxiety welled up in my heart..."?

Plotwise, you have interesting new developments.

Thanks Anna ^.^

[~darkelfgirl~]

It's been awhile. No, it's not dead...I'm actually stuck in a block on the next part (prayers would be nice, hehe). Just saying that I haven't given up ^^.

There's a lot of ideas, but piecing them together is the issue.

[~darkelfgirl~]

I finally broke free today. There may be a few grammatical mistakes, because I'm in a rush since I have tons of things to do. Senior year .



In the shadow of the edifice, the market bustled without a care in the world—without concern of the looming darkness and dismay upon them.
With solemn gait, we passed through the sea of commerce, leaving a wake of silence behind us.
“Eh! I thought you said tha’ this was five pieces, mate!?”
“No, kind sir, I said twenty-five.”
“You merchants are the scum o’ the—“
The stocky, red-haired man ceased his ranting as we passed the stand.
Face hidden in the shadow of my hood, I searched for the faces of Vera and Warren amongst the crowd.
Are they even alive?
I drowned that horrid thought in strong doubt.
Lining the ramparts and outskirts of the edifice were heavy-armored guards, all wielding menacing pickaxes. Blanc laughed.
“He fortified the fortress and left the rest of the village vulnerable to the Specter. How thoughtful.”
The two guards on the pinnacle of the stone steps leading to the entrance seemed to stiffen as we approached. Despite their helmets shielding their eyes, I could feel their stares of curiosity and awe. Hawthorne stepped forward.
“Greetings, good men of Iraein. We have been summoned by your ruler, Lord Alpheus.”
“Yes. Our lord has been expecting your arrival,” replied the guard on the left. “Follow me.”
Opening the thick, wooden door, he entered into the wide, dimly lit hall. We slowly followed, eyeing our surroundings with caution. Elaborate suits of armor and long torches lined the walls; wrought-iron chandeliers hung from the ceiling, their white candles casting feeble light upon the floor.
Muffled voices drew nearer as we proceeded in the footsteps of the guard, whose armor clanged and the din filled the hall with an irritable cadence.
At the end of the hall were large double doors, upon which hung a lion-shaped door-knocker. The guard knocked the golden instrument against the door three times.
In a moment, the doors swung open, revealing the golden light of a tapestry-draped great room.
“My lord, the Aegi of Shona grace your presence.”
The heads of numerous men--all seated at a long table covered in scrolls, tomes, and elaborate instruments—turned in our direction. They immediately stood in respect of our presence.
In a large, wooden, throne-like chair at the head of the table sat a dark-haired man, in leather and metal armor. Through his spectacles, he inspected us in condescension with icy-blue eyes while his ring-adorned fingers tapped his cheek.
“Welcome to Iraein. I’m very pleased that you accepted my humble request,” his lips curled into a smile.
“Looks like the definition of ‘humble’ has been changed, also.”
Hawthorne lowered his hood and we followed suit. The men seemed to be taken aback by our appearances, as if surprised by the fact that we were human.
“I am Aegis Hawthorne of Fallienne,” he bowed in respect. Blanc and I reluctantly bow. “These are Aegi Blanc and Arden.”
Alpheus’ eyes fell on each of our faces, as if inspecting our features to determine our true qualities. When they met my face, his eyes widened.

[LadyRushia]

. . .
. . . .
. . . . .

8D 8D 8D 8D UPDATE FOR THE WIN!!

The quality of the writing continues to get better, smooth as a well-licked lollipop.
[quote="Elf"]“]
Bowed.

And, and, that's all I could find. o.o I think you've found your flow, which is good.

Is Alpheus gonna be all like, "lulz, i m ur father arden"? XD Update soon so I can know. Don't you have any easy classes during which you can write? XDD

[USSRGirl]

Tis an update! About time... I missed my Blancykins. Hm... I wonder if Blanc would like to be a snowman or a potato...hmm... lollipop might suit him... er.... *slaps self and gets on to attempting to make some sort of literary based comment*

I love how you described their entering Alpheus' fortress - it really captured my imagination with the imagery you used to describe the doors and decor. It seemed like an interesting contrast to the market place (hrm... Mr. Alpheus is livin' the good life. XP) The ending was great too especially the “Looks like the definition of ‘humble’ has been changed, also.” XD

The only thing I can think of to change would be to maybe take out semicolin here and make the second half its own sentence. "Elaborate suits of armor and long torches lined the walls; wrought-iron chandeliers hung from the ceiling, their white candles casting feeble light upon the floor."

I await more updates! o.o/

[~darkelfgirl~]

. . .
. . . .
. . . . .

8D 8D 8D 8D UPDATE FOR THE WIN!!

The quality of the writing continues to get better, smooth as a well-licked lollipop.

Bowed.

And, and, that's all I could find. o.o I think you've found your flow, which is good.

Is Alpheus gonna be all like, "lulz, i m ur father arden"? XD Update soon so I can know. Don't you have any easy classes during which you can write? XDD

Thanks! ^^

Lol, that reminds me of something I watched two days ago (can't say--spoilers).

Yeh, I'm back in business! Woot! Hopefully, this week'll be less of a pain.


[quote="USSRGirl"]Tis an update! About time... I missed my Blancykins. Hm... I wonder if Blanc would like to be a snowman or a potato...hmm... lollipop might suit him... er.... *slaps self and gets on to attempting to make some sort of literary based comment*

I love how you described their entering Alpheus' fortress - it really captured my imagination with the imagery you used to describe the doors and decor. It seemed like an interesting contrast to the market place (hrm... Mr. Alpheus is livin' the good life. XP) The ending was great too especially the “Looks like the definition of ‘humble’ has been changed, also.â€

[LadyRushia]

Okays! (I'm a semicolon addict XD).

This is better than having sentences like, "His power was great. He could be anyone. People really like him. They thought he was cool."

[USSRGirl]

Sweet and sour chicken for his sweet and sour personality! Wah! I love it.

True, true. *nods in agreement of Rushia's deduction*

[~darkelfgirl~]

Too bad I can't glomp him whole XD

[LadyRushia]

Sweet and sour chicken. . .that reminds me of this food I had in China. It was basically the most delicious sweet and sour chicken ever. Seriously, it was amazing, amazing like original story ideas.

Is there going to be an epic battle soon? My many months of reading shonen manga have fine tuned my epic battle senses.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Hehe, Rushia



Lord Alpheus incredulously muttered a name softly under his breath, and then his lips curled into a smirk. He stood up.
[color=SeaGreen] “Counsel, please excuse us. There are important matters to discuss. We will have to adjourn our meeting.â€

[LadyRushia]

the men bowed in respect and left the door in single-file.

Left through the door or left the room.

Hawthorne on Alpheus’]
You could just say "his" the second time instead of repeating Alpheus' name.

Alpheus paused while fingering the large ruby upon his index finger’s ring

Just saying "the large ruby upon his index finger" is fine.

I like how you handled the whole "lulz bad guyz gunna put our worldz into darknesses an stuffs" cliche. It's nice to see people *not* being like "o nose1! teh worldz gunna end soooonly!1"

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, you updated. . .within a matter of days. DAYS! 8D 8D 8D 8D

And my sense of an oncoming shonen battle grows stronger. . .

[USSRGirl]

Oooh I sense Alpheus is plotting something. o.o;; I like how you built on Hawthorne's character as sort of the leader of the three in this one. I got the impression that he's in his "take charge"/Aegi mode right now.


But.... "Oh no. If anyone truly knows the Specter’s game, it is the Aegi, of course. He is one of your own, isn’t he?”—Hawthorne and Blanc stiffened at this remark—“Hence the reason I requested your presence.["]

XD Only typo I could find. Keep the updates coming!

[~darkelfgirl~]

Thanks guys! ^^

Hehe, I was too tired today. Every time I closed my eyes (when I was taking a nap) someone called me. Sheesh!

Hehe, shonen battle . Not even I'll know how this'll turn out (I think as I go, because I hate planning. Well I do *some* planning, but not outlining). So I'm technically reading this with you guys. XD

It's nice when you guys predict stuff . Makes me want to spice things up a bit. (Me =/= predictable)

[~darkelfgirl~]

Well, this section is dedicated to certain prodding denizens of CAA who have been bugging me to continue Aegis *evil glare*. Thank-you for your continuous, yet nagging support .

“The Iron Fist of Iraein.â€

[LadyRushia]

Just wanted to let you know that the committee of Certain People is now satisfied and that Deg should not be expecting any nagging; however, if she once more allows three months to pass in between updates (which makes the audience forget what's happening, by the way) then we will be forced to take action once more. Allow me to introduce you to Chinese Hat Man. <B[ As you can see, he is not pleased. If you continue to delay, he will come get you.

You have been warned. <B[

A review will come when it is no longer 3:30AM, XDDD.

[~darkelfgirl~]

The Committee of Certain People will be pleased that I have decided to update once again. *huddles in fear from Chinese Hat Man*
Well, before I left for a three month break, the Aegi were in a meeting with Alpheus, ruler of the newly established Iraein (elven villages forming one nation).

With the edifice guards struck with disbelief behind us, we made our way down the steps and into the crowded, noisy marketplace.

[I]“I mean, isn’t it easier to breathe knowing that Iraein is under the protection of an established military organization?â€

[LadyRushia]

Chinese Hat Man remains satisfied. <B[

Oh dang, poor Arden.

I get the sense that Blanc has some sort of dark past.

You've found your voice, which is good. All I can say is that when you have a paragraph about one character and then that character speaks you don't have to make a new paragraph.

[~darkelfgirl~]

xD Thanks, Rushia ^^. And thanks for the tip.

[USSRGirl]

O.O You actually updated. This feels... monumental. I must agree with the Committee of Certain Peopl and voice my approval of Chinese hat man. He's much more pessimistic than the happy cakes were. *nod nod*

I enjoyed the update very much! This was a good place to pick the plot back up and refresh my memory. Whoa... poor Arden. I wonder if the Specter has something to do with whatever's wrong with Vera - or is she just weak/weary from work/hard times?

And on the progression with Alpheus...

*twitch* Armor... wolf... mongols... *twitch twitch* If Iraein become villains... >.O

*ahem* Anyway. My main crit for the first update was that there didn't seem to be enough to indicate why Blanc was so skeptical towards Alpheus' troops. It seemed as though he were just being a jerk, but Hawthorne seemed to take the complaint seriously ("our options are thin"). From the way you described the guard, there was nothing really to indicate them looking like rusted, un-trained tin cans as Blanc seems to think (unless he's just making a rather broad assumption based on most all/any individuals dressed up in wolf ensignia armor are generally uneducated brutes... in which case... KILL. =___O). I was also a little surprised that Hawthorne consented to take a hike and let Alpheus handle things so quickly, but maybe I'll understand more later. ^___^ Keep updating!

[LadyRushia]

O.O You actually updated. This feels... monumental. I must agree with the Committee of Certain Peopl and voice my approval of Chinese hat man. He's much more pessimistic than the happy cakes were. *nod nod*

There are times for happycakes and there are times for Chinese Hat Man.

[^_^}o

<B[

[USSRGirl]

U.U Duly noted wisdom.