Aegis Emblem

[Anna Mae]

Oh dear. I didn't intend to earn the title "Grammatical-Hunter." Oh well... Perhaps I am what I am...

I observed as the orb detached itself from the door.
The wisp.

Informing the reader directly that it is the wisp feels a bit hokey. What it is is obvious.

“I’m…sorry…” I gaped, wide-eyed.
“Who…what are you?”

Be careful about starting new lines in dialogue. When one person is speaking, a new line should not be started. Otherwise, it indicates that a different person is talking.

“Oh, I’m sorry…if I…” She trailed.

Hm? What was she going to say?

I find it interesting that you use the word "spidery" to describe so many things about the fairy. I understand the bit about the delicate webs and all, but to me spiders still have evil connotations when used in literature.

...said Blanc, interrupting the silence.

Nice wording.

their glared with unwavering fierceness into each other’s eyes.

typographical error

Relax you grip.

And again

“As in flying as a falcon, think of the wind—not as in gliding form, but as in tempest form.”

You use "as" quite a lot in this sentence.

I am also enjoying the character development of Blanc.

[Anna Mae]

If the Specter doesn’t kill me, training will, I chuckled to myself.

And I chuckled to myself as well.

“Sorry! I was just passing by and saw you lying here. Not a very popular or safe place to rest either!” Tayli shook her head, her flowing hair moving gracefully back and forth.

Why not?

“You have a lot of potential. Someday soon you’ll defeat Blanc.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Blanc has been an Aegis for how long? And rookie Arden is already going to defeat him? To be honest, that's really cliche. It's a pet peeve of mine when the protagonist can just magically surpass his vast superiors in a short amount of time.

I remember falling—all of us.
Before Hawthorne, Blanc, and I hit the stone tile floor, we quickly changed into human form, landing on our feet in a crouch.

This is minor, but it would feel more realistic to me if Arden, the less experienced, landed less gracefully than the other two.

faded-gold hair

I'd suggest either "faded gold hair" or "light gold hair."

By metanonym, do you mean metonymy? Metonymy is a figure of speech that consists of the use of the name of one object or concept for that of another to which it is related, or of which it is a part. For example, one could say, "The White House released a statement." The physical White House itself did not release the statement, but the president (or whomever) did.

Polysyndeton? I didn't realize that was legal. By the way, why do editors get so worked up about passive voice? I don't see what's wrong with it.

I tend to be more iconoclastic about classical literature (especially Joyce) than Rushia, but that has been somewhat alleviated (like for Dickens) with knowledge of some regrettable editors and publishers.

Asa: I wasn't expecting one of my favorite OT kings to crop up.

So at your schools you can take AP English before you're a senior? I wish I could have done that...

*Wipes brow* I'm finally caught up.

[~darkelfgirl~]

XDD. She has returned!

Thanks Anna! My senses tell me you are majoring in Literature or something or that sort, hehe.

[Anna Mae]

Instead of literature, my love is linguistics--in other words, grammar. *runs away before darkelfgirl can try to put her in a straight jacket* But really, to me grammar is beautiful. It's like math except better because it's English.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Aww. *darkelf puts straight jacket aside* She got away!

I prefer literature to math. Math is so formulary. So much memorizing. I have short-term memory XD

[~darkelfgirl~]

Here's an update! I'm in a rush now because I have to dry my hair, hehe. Yes, I have an actual life outside CAA XP

Blue lights flickered in the dark.
We stood before the black marble dais—Hawthorne in the middle, Blanc on his right and I on his left.
Over us loomed Lord Aegis Shona’s statue. His blue-gem eyes stare into the nothingness behind and beyond us. Etched on his carefully sculpted face were calm and peace.
The glorious colors of the stain-glass skylight poured over our heads and shoulders. I gazed up into the round mosaic, a snowflake-like design in the middle.
My mind dwelt on Tayli and the past events.
I hope she’s well. It’s like her lighthearted spirit was being drained…
I lowered my head and looked towards Hawthorne and Blanc. They were still, heads bowed, eyes upon a slab at the base of the dais.
Engraved on this slab were intricate runes of a language I could not understand. My eyes passed over each rune…
A chill rushed over me.
As I continued to read the engravings, I began to understand the words before me-
Blessed and anointed, I seek the Guardian.
I froze. The words echoed through my mind. I couldn’t breathe. Despite this, I felt a sense of ease flow through my soul—as if my spirit was being separated from my body…
I closed my eyes as the pollen-scented breeze brushed my face softly; the light sound of pouring water became clearer…

[USSRGirl]

Oooh pretty wordchoice towards the end. I could really imagine it all happening. I'm curious as to what's goin' on with Tayli.

Ah! One typo maybe... though I can never beat the Diction-Super-Saiyin Anna Mae! Your grammar hunting powers send chills up my spine. o.o;;

"The glorious colors of the stain-glass skylight poured over our heads and shoulders." Shouldn't it be stained-glass?

Oh and Anna, on the part where Tayli tells him it's not safe to be up there I'm pretty sure he was like sitting on the castle parapet (you know in the space where the walls dip apart on a castle) inches from falling to horrible demise if he slipped off.

[LadyRushia]

Well, there are times when you can use passive voice because you simply can't avoid it, but editors and English teachers will tell you not to because they want you to write well. It's one of those "you have to know the rules before you can break them" things(same thing with polysyndetons).

*Throws a tuna at Rushia and walks out so Darkelf doesn't chase me down for spamming her thread XD*

That's an awesome action sentence. **dodges flying tuna Matrix-style**

I don't know how I'll know you guys when I see you. I just know I will, I guess XD.

I'll ask God to make a huge CAA sign, XD.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Thanks Temmy, hehe. Here's the last update for tonight--I'm hungry...and I have to wake up at 6 tomorrow (it's 9:44 over here, so don't think I'm going to bed at 6pm XD)

[font=Times New Roman][size=100][color=seagreen]“Faithful Aegi…â€

[~darkelfgirl~]

A huge CAA sign in heaven? XD

Oh--Rushia, you're blue phrase in your sig has some weird 3dness to it....if you stare at it long enough, it moves!

[USSRGirl]

Let's tell Him to make it neon and chibi! I'm sure God likes chibis... just my personal specualtion but hey. I gtg soon too... >.< Meh.

Oh heeey, I'm now wondering - did you get the word "etheri" from "ethereal"? Seems to fit! ^___^ Shona's white eyes were a good choice, really captured my imagination.

Whoa, I'm with Arden on the Specter being "merely a pawn." o.o;; Geez I'd hate to see who their real leader is then, since he seemed pretty dark and powerful enough. I wonder whose side Blanc is really on... hmmm... but I don't wanna spread nasty speculations about my fav Aegis bishie! XD

[~darkelfgirl~]

XD. Maybe angels are chibis?

Nice job! Yeh, I got "etheri" from ethereal.

Hehe, it's interesting when the bad guy works for a bigger bad guy. Blanc? *shrugs* This story hasn't been outlined yet, so anything can happen.

[LadyRushia]

**stares at blue part in sig** Elf, I think if you stare at anything long enough it'll start to move.

His blue-gem eyes stare into the nothingness behind and beyond us.

~Typo~

Okay, so allegorically the Specter isn't who I thought he was(good job at killing that sense of predictability).

And like Anna Mae said, the whole "Arden will soon surpass Blanc" thing can't happen. Rookies do not have the ability to pw3n after such a short time, not to mention that giving Arden the ability to excel so easily would make him a Gary-Stu(and many people would eat you for doing that).

Hey! You and I both live on the east coast, Elf! ^_^

[~darkelfgirl~]

It was so neony! Maybe my monitor is too bright..

I love killing predictability. Unpredictability makes the story soo much better!

Yeh, yeh...that does sound ikkish. Let's pretend that sentence never happened! Let's also pretend Arden landed clumsily...

Woot! East-coasters ^^!

[LadyRushia]

**pretends** Hokay!

w00t indeed for the east coast, w00t indeed. . .

Oh yeah, I thought the Aegis were angels? Oh well.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Hehe, Aegi is the plural for Aegis. Haha--grammar queen!

Oh, the Aegi represent Christians ^^

[LadyRushia]

Well excuse me for not having latinized knowledge, XD.

Next section?

[~darkelfgirl~]

Hehe, I took Latin for 2 years. 1 year of torture. *shudders*. My first year was Ok, but my last year was online.

I've been really busy lately--right now, I have to finish my "Beowulf" study guide for AP Lit (which I procrastinated on *cough*)...then I have to study for the grueling Physics test tomorrow. I'm getting some great ideas though ^^. It's like 10:24 over here so I gotta leave so I can finish and get some zs.

Hopefully, Wednesday will be the next update day. Just hang on for a couple more days ^^

[USSRGirl]

Yay! In the meantime... here have a Grendel --> ~( *____*)~

[LadyRushia]

Eh? Grendel?

Anyways, have a happy cake, Elf! Keep working hard!

[^_^}o

Tem, you can have a happy cake, too.

[^_^}o

[USSRGirl]

Thank you, Rushia, but er... o.O... the fact that it's smiling at me kinda creeps me out. Like it's watching me to see if I'll eat it. o.o;;

[~darkelfgirl~]

Thank you, Rushia, but er... o.O... the fact that it's smiling at me kinda creeps me out. Like it's watching me to see if I'll eat it. o.o;;

Thanks Temmy. I'll hire him to get Reno.

Thanks RushiaXD. I'm watching it scream in total pain ^o^ Naah, I'm not that evil.

Still contemplating Aegis...hang on guys ^^' I had to change a few things that I was going to post

[~darkelfgirl~]

Wow, it's been a while. I just had to refresh my brain and get some rest. My schedule's been inflated lately. There'll be another update later...just have to type it.

Tayli’s right. Things around here do get boring...and lonely…I wonder how Warren and Vera are faring without me?
My heart burned with sadness.
I want to see them again. Will I?
I glumly walked through long hallways, lit by candles in alcoves.
So many doors. I wonder what’s behind them? What more could this place have when there’s only three of us?
Despite my curiosity, I continued throughout the maze of corridors.
I could get lost in this place.
A harsh realization hit me.
I don’t know the way back! I thought in panic. Great…Maybe if I continue, I’ll find a way out.
An endless labyrinth.
I turned a corner, hoping and praying that I’d found an exit. I came upon two large mahogany doors.
Please, Lord Aegis, let this be a way out!
With uncertainty, I turned the cold, iron knob….I gaped.
An enormous dim room—with large walls.
I entered with curiosity. These walls turned out to be long shelves, filled with books of every size and color.
Whoa. A library.
My footsteps echoed on the tile floor as I walked through, looking up and around in awe.
The towering shelves stood at an angle, as if aligned in a circle. I casually walked through the long aisle. The end of it caught my eye.
A wrought-iron chandelier cast light upon a round, wooden table surrounded by brown leather chairs, one of them drawn as if someone was previously sitting there. Upon the table lay a quill, a bottle of ink, and parchment.
As I approached, I noticed that there was something written upon the parchment. I curiously picked it up. The letters were thin and intricate.

My dear daughter,
Words cannot describe how much I miss you. Words cannot describe how much regret—

It abruptly stopped.
Who could’ve written this?

[~darkelfgirl~]

[font=Times New Roman][size=100][color=seagreen]“Oh—Hello, Arden.â€

[~darkelfgirl~]

Here's the last update for today.

Cool, crisp air.
I inhaled.
The rays of the morning sun shone through the crystal clear water of the creek, illuminating the pebble-filled bottom.
I dove in, sinking to the bottom and then swimming to the surface. When I broke the surface, I gasped for air and wiped water from my face.
[size=100][font=Times New Roman][color=seagreen] “The water’s fine!â€

[USSRGirl]

*Falls over backwards* WAH! During that first post I was burning with commie rage thinking Blanc wrote the letter until Hawthorne showed up! *sigh of relief* Okay, I won't kill you with a spork for marrying Blanc off then.

Anywaaaay, I liked getting to know more about Hawthorne's character. I feel so bad for him now. He always seemed like the carefree one. I could tell from your description of him that he carries a lot of grief.

And Asa and Adria reappear! Ooh your description of the black waves forming around Arden nice and creepy. Me like creepy. O.o I wonder if the Specter's henchmen can attack Arden through his dreams and find out his insecurities that way.

Only found two typos, but I'm sure Rushia or Anna can hunt for more ^___^;;

“You mean I can’t see them ever again? They’re my family?!”

Should take out the question mark at the end of family.

A beautiful, female voice sung in a strange, mystifying language.

*Sang

[~darkelfgirl~]

XDDD Thanks, Temmy.

The Asa and Adria nightmare business will be revealed in the next post ^^--and possibly what they were frightened of. Well, you probably know by know, but you don't know the deeper meaning behind this XP. I was going to discuss something that happened in the past posts, but that'll be giving spoilers, wouldn't it? I like when you guys try to predict what happens next, because it's still in development and I can surprise you with a twist

Thanks for finding those--I gotta start correcting from where I left off on the critiques....

[LadyRushia]

Actually, I found this section to be much smoother than the previous ones, and no serious errors stuck out at me. I especially liked the description in Arden's dream.

[^_^}o

~Rushia

[~darkelfgirl~]

Thanks Lady Rushia ^^!

*eats cake*

[USSRGirl]

I have a guess as to why they ran away but I don't know the whole story! *Dies of anticipation and guessingness* Maybe you'll be evil and pull something totally random. Oh well... just don't marry off Blanc!!