The Tale of Lady Avamir

[Wind]

This is a short story with a moral I always like those so I attempted to write one please give me your honest critique



Now I tell the story of the fine lass Avamir who rode out one winter's morn, She was as fair as could be but someone stared enviously. It was her fair sister marie who wanted to be as fair as she, Marie came to her sister and said " Good day and good morn..." Avamir replied" Greetings fair sister love of my life..." " I have come to ask of you a boon..." "Of course fair sister I will grant it if I can..." " I wish to be fair as you... " She said her poison tongue attempting fair speech" Of course I hope you to be fair but I am not..."marie continued just as if she had not spoke " I wish you to bring to me holly berries from yonder tree..." Avamir replied " That tree is atop the faery hill beyond our house I dare not go..." Marie smiled a smile of false innocence and said " I would be most grateful to you if you would go for my sake..." Avamir smiled and said " I shall go... but send with me your love..." Marie nodded and said " I do my fair sister...." with that Avamir rode away to the faery hill and she was captured by the elves who were lead by their prince, Prince Aron. She dismounted and knelt before his silken steed and she said " Please please my lord grant me one request that I may give my sister my beauty that she wants and needs...?"he was taken by her beauty an her strange request and said " I shall grant this request..." He reached up and plucked a berry from the holly tree and he said " This will give your sister the beauty she seeks..."She bowed and said " you are gracious your majesty..." Avamir mounted up again and said adding " I would like it if you woud come stay in my halls for a night... so I may have your company in my otherwise lonely life..." It was then the prince noticed her mournful countenance and he consented at once" My lady, it would do me great honor to accompany you to your home with my men..." Avamir smiled and rode away with the prince toward her home and she said " I do not live very far from your home..." She gestured to her humble manor and said " I am sorry it is not more glorious..." She dismounted and the prince said " I have been invited to not place grander before..." Marie saw her sister in the company of the men and she thought " My sister is so fair that she lures men here to me for my joy and company..." Marie walked into the courtyard and the prince saw the most ugly woman he had ever seen for jealousy and wrath had contorted her countenance. " Is this the sister you spoke of fair lady..." " Yes this is lady Marie My sister..." She smiled and said " Welcome to our home My lords I hope you find everything to your liking.." He nodded and then Avamir said " Please come inside for it reaches the hotter part of the day and you all must be thirsty... though we have not traveled far, I wish you to enjoy my hospitality..." Aron smiled and said " Of course My lady..." Then The prince and the men dismounted and Marie grabbed Avamir after they were escorted inside " So did you get me my berry from the faery hill yes my sister I did..." She handed it to her and Marie said pulling a dagger out of her cloak " I will be fairer then you now and you will be dead..." She reached out to strike but the prince came just in the nick of time for elves have very good hearing " So you mean to strike your sister down for caring for you enough to risk the wrath of the fair folk to bring you a beauty potion..." Marie looked at the prince in fear and said nothing " My lady you would have been done a great dis-service by your sister... What do you wish to do with her...?" " I wish that she be set free and not harmed but that she is made a life servant to the fair folk of the faery hill yonder... where I know she will be treated with kindness and hospitality..." The prince smiled and said " It shall be done, since i am the prince of the elves my lady..." Marie looked from her sister to the prince in fear and again said nothing in fear for her life the prince just smiled again and said " What posessed you to want to kill my lady your sister?Was it greed, jealousy, spite?" He looked at her and then said " It was jealousy of her fair looks wasn't it?" Marie said nothing but nodded, Aron smiled and said " I will give you to my mother a a miadservant but only because your lady sister requested it.." Avamir smiled and said " I hopes she serves the queen well..." The prince looked at Avamir and said " I am sure she will if she wants to keep her life..." He winked mischeviously when Marie wasn't looking and she smiled widely and he said " I also have a boon to request from you my lady...?" She smiled and said " You have saved my life My lord what can I do for you..?" He smiled and said " I ask that you marry me and come with me to the faery realm to watch over your sister's misdeeds..." Marie looked on in fear and jealousy and she said " I will serve your lady mother Loyally...Sire..." Then Avamir said " I will marry you my lord but first i must know your name?" " I am Prince Aron of the faery realm and your name My lady?" " I am Lady Avamir..." He bowed and then rose and took her hand leading her back to her horse and helping her to mount and he then said " I will take away your sorrow and you will be my queen when my mother passes..." She smiled and they rode away to the faery realm to live happily ever after


The Moral of the Story: Jealousy can make you a slave to it and have it's claws sunk in deep
be content with what you have and you will be rewarded with more than you will want to keep

[Jingo Jaden]

I loved the writing way ^^

[martinloyola]

excellent!, a few turns of phrase were awkard all you have to do is flip a few words round like
" I have been invited to not place grander before..."
in order to keep the more elegant sound but have better flow
"I have been invited to not a place more grand..."
I like moral stories, and the dualism of the sisters portrays the moral very well. I also like how Marie "enslaves" herself both by jealousy and as a consequence of her jealousy, it demonstrates both personal consequence and public consequence

[Esoteric]

Yes, very nice! I actually wish there were more here.