okay bear with me rewrote "Santuro" again....

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okay bear with me rewrote "Santuro" again....

Postby churchgirl111 » Fri Oct 24, 2003 7:56 pm

Hi...I know bear with me folks I'm trying to make this better...unfortunately i'm not very good...but this will be alot better...
promise :sweat:

Chapter 1

[INDENT]The rain glistened and shone like diamonds upon the wet grass.
New puddles covered the road creating a sea of mud. Bugs chirped and birds quietly got to rest. Nothing could be heard except the peaceful music of the forest. All was at rest. However, that was before a young samurai started running down this road, bloodied with tears cascading down his face.

Santuro ran frantically. He did not know where he was or where he planned to go to escape the Voices, he just knew that he had to run.

"Must get away..." Santuro panted, "Have to get away."
The Voices wouldn't leave. The cries came, "no!" "God bless them", "Please", they penetrated him, into the very depths of his soul.

"No! Leave me alone," Santuro attacked an invisible enemy. "Leave me alone," he moaned, desperate to escape the Voices and his guilt.

His shoes padded against the road, oblivious to time and danger. Finally, noticing a abandoned barn, he sighed, relieved.

Running into the barn, he shut the door as quick as his shaking fingers would allow. He looked around wildly, half crazed, as if expecting an invisble enemy to attack. The barn smelled of stale straw and it's previous occupants.

Moonlight illuminated the barn, casting an eerie, lurid glow. Santuro looked up,"Looks like this place needs a repair job." He almost laughed to himself noticing the many holes in the thatched roof.

He noticed a trough full of rainwater. Timidly, he walked over and stared at his reflection. His bun was disheveled and matted with blood due to his late night activity. He pulled away some strands of hair from his face, and noticed blood running down his face. His clothes were splattered with blood, a tint of crimson red to his traditional way of dress. His katana was no longer silver, but dark red with dried blood.

He tasted bile in his mouth and vomited. He felt as if it was cleaning him of his impurities. Feeling better, he washed off his face, hair and katana, nothing could be done of the clothes condition.

He sat on the straw. The groung moist from the rain. The Voices seemed to stop at the moment. He relished the silence. His memory went back to when it started raining. "It rained blood this night," he said bitterly, "the gods through paint into the sky."

Who are you? a voice echoed in his head and seemed to question him. "I am a samurai of the Kosho ryu sen. I have done my duty as a patriot and a warrior." Santuro consoled himself.

By killing innocent blood? "They weren't innocent," santuro talked to himself, "They were spreaders of a evil western religion." He waved his arms as if arguing a political debate. "Those Christians," he spat,"deserved death for there lies." In this way he consoled himself, ignoriing the voice that asked questions that troubled his sould deeply though he would never admit it.

I'm 15, he thought, men at my age have already killed more then 10 men and here i am cowering like a fool. What would they think of me now? He determined that he wouldn't listen to this voice.
HE fell into a restless sleep, where the Voice and the screams haunted his dreams.
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Postby true_noir_chloe » Fri Oct 24, 2003 9:18 pm

IMHO it might read better if paragraph #3 was first, then #2, then #4 and throughout the rest describe the scenery until you end up at the barn. Just a thought. I think the way you describe in the first paragraph - although good - stops the reader from moving forward easily and being drawn in. Looks better. :) I hope I'm helping. :stressed:

Actually, you might want to just continue writing the story. This would be good practice. The more you write the better you get at it. Leave this first chapter alone for awhile.

Try going to Iesu_no_Senshi's, "Here Be Dragons" in this writing section. She had a clumsy beginning, but this has turned out to be the most well-written story in this section. She just keeps chugging along and it's grown her into a great writer, with a lot of depth and great sentence structure. Sorry for any offense Iesu. :( I mean that sincerely, that it's the best, if not one of the best, stories on this section. If I was an agent I'd scoop it up. :cool:

[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE


You see into the deepest part of me ---

beyond the fog I hide behind.

You cast your light upon the shadows

that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.

You ease the pain when I am hurting,

and morbid visions from my past

pierce into the realm of Reason

as though I danced on blades of glass.

You grant me strength when I have fallen

and, once again, I've lost my way.

You take my hand in Yours and lead me

into the promise of a brand new day.

You bring order to all my chaos,

yet set my well-laid plans awry.

You place me on a firm foundation ---

then give me wings so I can fly.

You sand away my roughened edges

and polish all the dullest parts

until I stand before Your presence...

a newly-sculpted work of art.

You see into the heart within me,

right through my motives and selfish will.

And yet, in spite of all You see

You say You love me even still.


~by D.M.~

[/color][/size]
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Postby Mimichan » Sat Oct 25, 2003 3:36 pm

true_noir_chloe wrote:
Try going to Iesu_no_Senshi's, "Here Be Dragons" in this writing section. She had a clumsy beginning, but this has turned out to be the most well-written story in this section. She just keeps chugging along and it's grown her into a great writer, with a lot of depth and great sentence structure. Sorry for any offense Iesu. :( I mean that sincerely, that it's the best, if not one of the best, stories on this section. If I was an agent I'd scoop it up. :cool:


Well, I think it's debatable my story being one of the best, that is...but thank you for saying so. :red:
However, what she says is true-my story was incredibly clumsy in the beginning . In fact, the way it's turning out is so different (stylistically) from the way it started, that I'm gonna have to go back and edit it later ;)
I think your story is very good and I would like to read more of it. True noir is alot better at giving literary advice than I am, so all I can do is parrot her. Just keep writing it and it will get better as you go along. Remember that u can always edit if need be. So there's my uneducated opinion...Great story! Love to see more :thumb:
Image


"Why do people not notice until they lose it?
What it is that's truly important...
Although I can't afford to forgive even myself,
Because you were there,
I was able to be myself (Natural).
I want to be honest...I want to be kind...
I want to be the adult I once (in my childhood) longed to be.
I go on fighting against the heart to run away...
I go on fighting against that invisible something!"
---

True Navigation: Two MIX
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Postby churchgirl111 » Sun Oct 26, 2003 7:18 pm

oohhh...now i see the paragraph switch...oops heheeh thanks for the advice...man i have a lot a work to do.....
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