Both a poem, epic, and song

[Hitokiri]

I wrote something. I'm not quite sure what I wrote nor th emeaning but I wrote something.

However I can see it bieng a poem, an epic (a story) and a song. Here it is.

Our Beautiful Armistice

We felt us fall out of the light when we first began to sing of grace.
On our faces, we always forgot how we accepted the lies behind the white line.
And when the white lines begins to fade to black.
We descended into our depression among the stars and the sun.
So the blackness soon crept up to the front door of our hearts.

We sang of our lamentations till the darkness soon evaded our souls.
And the brooding darkness and the movement of our hearts became one.

Chorus
If we die tonight would the world shed it’s tears
to the never-ending sadness from the moon to the stars.
And we felt our blood trickling from our hearts
as we took each others lives and felt the
chill sting of mortality.

We felt the numbness of the desire for darker substances.
Our eyes turned towards the dark and we embraced it like a newborn child.
The fragrance of wild flowers still in our hair as we swam in the black water.
And drenched our pure souls with it’s putrid murk.

We sang of our hearts desires and tainted this pure world.
And the brooding darkness and the movement of our hearts became one.

Chorus x2

With our last and final breathe, we stand against the eye of the storm.
And cast away our darkened thoughts and desires.
Casting aside our tainted nakedness and with armor and robes of light.
We brought the evil to our feet and struck it with flaming swords.
No longer fearing and serving the darkness nor desiring it.

We sang of our souls of which was so pure to the refreshing light.
And the brooding darkness and the movement of our hearts separate.

And we won’t die tonight and no more tears shall be shed
and the moon and the stars shall rejoice as one.
And we felt new life coursing through our veins
as we looked each other in our eyes and felt
the love of our Father and for one another.

High up in the courts, so white, so pure.
Of crystal mantels and shimmering fountains.
We sang our praises with all our hearts desire
and the blackness never raped us from our innocence again
And we walked abroad with our fear or envy nor of jealousy
But the light of Heaven was about us as we sang and laughed
and rejoiced in the forgiveness.

The darkness rotted in it’s own darkness.
Nursing it’s pride and it’s injuries.
Cursing it’s own name and calling down it’s legions.
But the call never heard th legions dead ears
as they lay dead about the field of horror and filth.

And the darkness soon fell away by the coming of the glory
and the legions of light cleansed the world
And the Children of God lived on their world.
Taking love in their servantude to their Father.
And with all the children in song, the City of Heaven descended.
And the Heaven on Earth graced it, and once more, the children sang.

[true_noir_chloe]

This reminds me of a dramatic reading - like a rhythmic essay more than a song. It's too cumbersome to be a song - IMHO.

Anyways, this isn't too bad. It seems you were being too lofty and trying for something more, when you should have tried to be more simplistic and genuine. It makes it wordy and cumbersome - again that word. I think if you edit and clean it up it can become a song. I like your overall idea.

Huh, but what do I know? ^__^;; That's just my honest critique and you can take it as you will. I hope I didn't offend you, Hitokiri.

[Hitokiri]

[quote="true_noir_chloe"]This reminds me of a dramatic reading - like a rhythmic essay more than a song. It's too cumbersome to be a song - IMHO.

Anyways, this isn't too bad. It seems you were being too lofty and trying for something more, when you should have tried to be more simplistic and genuine. It makes it wordy and cumbersome - again that word. I think if you edit and clean it up it can become a song. I like your overall idea.

Huh, but what do I know? ^__^]

I am offended



My mom said the same thing, however she loved it. She said it works better as a poem.