CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

I've posted a lot here, so i"m trying not to post or say too much. I mainly just wanted to say, anyone I've hurt on this website. I'm really sorry. And to the people who posted in my threads, but may have felt I ignored them or didn't care or appreciate them or anything like that, I am really sorry. I've never meant to hurt anyone, or make anyone feel or think I ignored or didn't appreciate them.

From what I've read from some of your post I really think you apologize way to much. I'm sure everyone here knows you've never meant anyone any harm.

It would seem that way. When you get into personal conversations though, it doesn't seem so clear cut. Either way, It's probably my fault I've given this place such a bad impression of myself and who I am. And all I can hope for is that they believe I honestly never meant to. That I honestly just came back here for support, to make friends, and to reconcile with the people I Hurt and the people who hurt me. People here have said a lot of bad things about me. And I understand I've given them r eason to think those things. I'm sorry I did, and I never intended to.

And I just need to say that I'd like to cleawr up all the misunderstandings, explain everything, but that hasn't gone so well in the past, and I don't want to make things worse than they already are.

Guys, I just got a chat message from Aedin saying that he's going to try to commit suicide tonight. Please, I really would like you guys to reach out to him!

Aedin please don't do this! There are people on this website who definitly care about you! I know I do and so does Atria!

Yes, and I care, too!

I'm sure your apologies are appreciated and well accepted! Praying for you!

You already know I've been praying for you... and I never stopped. I realize we don't really talk anymore, but I've been praying for you ever since I even knew of your existence... I've talked to you on and off throughout the years, and I've truly wished that I could do something to make you see how special you are in the eyes of the Lord...

Aedin, know that killing yourself is what would hurt everyone the deepest. There are people here who love you and are willing to support you if you'll let them.

I'm praying for you, and that may seem trite, but that is all we can truly do from so far away. God loves you, even if you don't see it right now. He loves you and wants so badly to wrap you in His arms.

God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die for your sins--for you. Jesus then rose from the grave, conquering sin and death--something we could never do. Through this, He gave us the gift of eternal life with Him, instead of eternal separation from Him. Becoming a Christian is not praying a magic prayer of *bing!* life is goooood and we are saved. No. Becoming a child of God is surrendering our desires and wants and everything to God so that He may form us as He sees fit, that God is first and foremost in our lives. Life gets harder, actually, as God puts us through trials to mold us and build our faith, and strengthen our relationship with Him.

If you are only seeking relationships through other people here, we can't save you from yourself, from your sin, from the lies of this world. We can only pray for you, and pray God will reveal Himself to you, whether through us, or someone else in your life. And that He will send someone in to your life who can help you where you are.

I know I don't know you very well, but I have heard from you, and I've been praying for you. Please don't do it. Too many people are dying around me and people I know. I care too, and it may not mean very much, but if you read this, know that I do.

Some people kept telling me to look at this thread dagain. I'm emotional enough to the point where I don't care what I do, but still normal enough to, well, I forgot what my train of thought is.



I spent so long fighting this, but just so I can say I did (especially if the pills work) I'm going to lay it all out there.

I don't know how much sense this will make, but please, if any of you care, please read this post fully (and I've seen over a hundred people have looked at it, so I know some people are reading it). I can't explain evertyhing that happened, I can't explain every detail. All I can explain is my memories, and how I felt, and my viewpoint. Honestly, the details probably don't even matter, so I'll make it simple.

Back in February, something happened, I don't remember what, but I got hurt. Some people tried to help. For whatever reason, intentional or not, they made me feel worse. I thought they intended to make me feel worse, and that hurt. They were my friends. Simply put, I did not react well. I can't say exactly what happened, but it seems like it may have all been a misunderstanding. I felt attacked, I felt like people assumed hurtful things about me, and when I tried to explain or clear things up, it felt like I was ignored, like noone was listening and like I was wrong about everything. That hurt, because it felt like I was being attacked bvy my friends and that I couldn't defend myself. It felt like noone cared what I had to say, it felt like everyone only cared about assuming things about me, and didn't care at all about listening or understanding. That hurt a lot, especially since the whole situation was a huge misunderstanding I couldn't clear up.

And then the next thing, I really can't get too detailed about. Someone hurt me, I came here for support, and then I felt like I was being attacked for being hurt. Again, it felt like almost everyone only wanted to judge and condemn me, it felt like noone truly wanted to listen, that they only wanted to assume and judge me and not listen to me or understand me or help me. I don't know if anyone wants to hear my explanations or reasons. I don't know if anyone is gonna read this. All I can say, is I never meant to make it look like I made excuses for what I did. I never meant to made it look like I ignored anyone or didn't appreciate the people who tried to help. I never meant to hurt anyone. Whenever I talked about things like my social anxiety, or my depression, or my emotional abuse or my learning disorder, I never meant to make it look like I was making excuses. My only intent was to try to help people understand me, and why I do (or did) what I do (and did) so I could be understood, so I wouldn't appear to be some kind of horrible self-centered uncaring person. It all backfired though. It's just, so many times, I felt like I was being insulted, or mocked, or ridiculed, and it felt like people were making up hurtful assumptions and accusations, and that everything I did or said to try to explain or clear things up, made it all worse, and that hurt, and I didn't respond well.

In closing (I sound so formal) most of my problems here have simply been misunderstandings. And all I've wanted is to clear things up, fix things, help people understand me and know me. It just seems that evverything I've done, or tried to do, to clear things up and fix things, made them worse. I've wanted to be known and accepted, I've only wanted friends I can talk to. Serious stuff, and fun stuff, like games, books, anime. I'm just not very good at talking about the fun stuff, I need patience, but I'm trying. It just hurts, and gets confusing, when misunderstandings keep happening, but you can't do anything to fix them.

Once again, this isn't an excuse, but I have a learning disorder called NLD. It's similar to aspergers, and if anyone cares to understand me more, you should look it up.

I came back here for spiritual support, to make friends, and for reconciliation. Both reconciliation with the people who hurt me, and the people I have hurt. The thing I don't get though, is the people who hurt me the most, even if I apologize to them first, they don't really seem to respond or care. I 'm not exactly sure how to deal with that. I'm not really sure what to say or how to explain. It just bothers me that anyone, especially Christians, could hurt someone so badly and just seem to not care. Christians (not just on this site, but Christians in general) have just pushed me to the edge so badly. They've made me feel worthless, like God doesn't care about me, that I'm not worth saving. That God hates me or something. They've made me feel bad for having chemical imbalances, social anx iety, learning disorders, just problems in general, Things I never chose. nowa I struggle with believing if God cares at all. But what hurts most, is most of hte Christians who made me feel like that, I tried talking to them, in a non-accusatory manner. And they just didn't care at all. They were so self-righteous. I don't know how to believe in, or follow, a God who so many of his followers keep trying their best to make others feel like crap and worthless, and then are so unrepentant about it. This went on longer than I thought. Basically, I'm struggling, a lot. I know noone here can be a psychologist or psychiatrist for me. I've never expected or wanted anyone here to be that. All I've wanted is a place for support, people to talk to, keep in touch with, update on my healing progress, stuff like that. I've just wanted support, friends, and to make things right. Radical Dreamer said she's sure all my apologies are accepted. And that's good, but that's only half. Not to sound selfish, but what about me? I want to make things right on both sides. I want to apologize, and make it up to, the people I hurt, but it would also be nice to know the people who hurt me so badly, and helped push me to his place, care, and are sorry, ya know? Is that too much to ask? Have I ruined things too badly for that to happen? I'm sorry if I have, I didn't mean to. I've never meant to hurt anyone ro seem unappreciative or seem self-centered or anything. All I've wanted is love, understanding, support, and patience. I just want to make friends, make things right with everyone (partly because when people have hurt me so bad, and don't seem to care at all, it's that much harder to get over, when I already have such big problems with forgiving and letting go, and people hurting me and not caring hurts my faith). I hope that can happen. I also hope people will stop assuming my reasons or intentions for things, or assuming how I feel or what I think or what I have or have not done lol.

[color="Plum"]You seem sincere. Please don't kill yourself. There are people here that do care.[/color]

Please don't kill yourself, Aedin. There are people here who really do care, and I'm one of them.

I'm afraid I don't give professional-quality advice, so I'm hesitant to comment with my "advice" anymore, but please remember that there are people here that do care about you. And most of all, no matter what, God loves you. These things are truth, not my opinion.
I'll continue to pray for you.

I'll definitly go and read NLD on Google after this. I have to say Aedin, you have to be the most open and honest person I've ever come across and for that I comend you! I know it's hard, but even if some Christians treat you badly, they are not God. God will ALWAYS love you! No matter what! It might seem like he isn't doing anything to help you, but you have to remember that in order for God to help us we have to try our best to help ourselves first. I have a ton of problems myself, though nothing like your situation and sometimes I sit there and think maybe God doesn't love me either because of the way I am, but somehow I know he does to. He loves us all. No matter how flawed we are. I'd also like to apologize if I've ever hurt or offended you Aedin. I am trying to help, but I am not at all good at comforting people or giving advice so it's very plausable I might have upset you at one point so I am sorry. I truly am. I'm almost in tears now, reading your post and seeing how much pain you are in. I wish only the best for you! I'll be praying!

Beau Soir (post: 1445168) wrote:Please don't kill yourself, Aedin. There are people here who really do care, and I'm one of them.

I'm afraid I don't give professional-quality advice, so I'm hesitant to comment with my "advice" anymore, but please remember that there are people here that do care about you. And most of all, no matter what, God loves you. These things are truth, not my opinion.
I'll continue to pray for you.

I've never asked you to give professional-quality advice. I've never expected it from you, and to be honest, I don't care. All I want is to be friends with you. All I want from anyone here is support and friendship, and since it's become clear some people might think I might be faking or seeking attention, well, I can understand why some would assume that, but it still hurts, and I hope most people don't think about me. That's why I tried to explain things so much before, but me trying to explain things just made it all worse. It just hurts (obviously) when I come here for support, and it feels like most people responding (or at least the most vocal ones) seem to be judging me or insulting me or making hurtful assumptions.

I went up to my room for a while, prayed a lot, I got no answers. I'm just tired of being judged, tired of being afraid of talking to new people, being afraid a person I talk to will seem nice but actually be mean and not care at all. I feel like I have nowhere I belong.

TopazRaven (post: 1445170) wrote:I'll definitly go and read NLD on Google after this. I have to say Aedin, you have to be the most open and honest person I've ever come across and for that I comend you! I know it's hard, but even if some Christians treat you badly, they are not God. God will ALWAYS love you! No matter what! It might seem like he isn't doing anything to help you, but you have to remember that in order for God to help us we have to try our best to help ourselves first. I have a ton of problems myself, though nothing like your situation and sometimes I sit there and think maybe God doesn't love me either because of the way I am, but somehow I know he does to. He loves us all. No matter how flawed we are. I'd also like to apologize if I've ever hurt or offended you Aedin. I am trying to help, but I am not at all good at comforting people or giving advice so it's very plausable I might have upset you at one point so I am sorry. I truly am. I'm almost in tears now, reading your post and seeing how much pain you are in. I wish only the best for you! I'll be praying!

You've never done anything to wrong me.

Aedin (post: 1445172) wrote:You've never done anything to wrong me.

I'm very glad to hear that and I hope I never do in the future. Unfortunatly it is a common thing for some people, especilly some young teens, to make up stories for attention. When people see to much of it they don't realize when someone with real problems in need of love and support comes along.

I just wish I knew what to do. I've been to cchurches in the area, they're no good. I'm terrified to talk to new people online (the only reason I've barely PMed anyone who seems supportive in my threads) and I keep reading online, and it turns out all the ways I figured out to off myself won't work. And I keep reading about "surefire" ways that somehow mess up anyway, and the people who tried them wish they had never tried in the first place. I don't know where to go, I don't belogn anyone, the only ways I can think of to off myself won't work, and I think of more certain ways, like guns and stuff, and I think about how my family would react if I shot myself in my head, and I can't take that either. I'm such a frickin coward. Sorry I'm wasting everyone's time. I just can't stop crying and I don't know what to do. I went online, looking for ways to pull it off with pills. Most of the responses were people telling the guy to just go ahead and do it or talk to someone who actually cares. That's how the world thinks about people like me. And going by the many, many Christian sites I've been a member of, or Christians I've talked to in person, that's how most Christians feel about people like me too. I'm trying so hard, but I'm really sorry I've been such a waste of time. I can't even apologize to people anymore because I feel bad, because last time I did, I was told to shut up and get over it.

You aren't a coward. You're just lost and confused and hurt. Why do you think it is all your suicide attempts have failed so far? You know what I think? I think God knows it isn't your time to die. Maybe this is how he's reaching out to you after all! Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Let them know what's going on qith you Aedin, close family and friends might be able to help you better then any of us here can.

Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. You have to understand that we care and don't want you to just throw your life away.

Do you think that you could talk with your family about these urges you're having? If you're worried you may end up doing something, it would be wise to have someone "keep an eye on you" so to speak, so that you don't do anything dangerous.

They all failed because I'm scared of pain. The knives hurt too much, my lungs working too much with the bags hurt too much. Afraid of being cold, or drowning.

My mom and my family are a huge part of why I have so many mental issues. I haven't seen my dad in over two years, and that isn't gonna change any time soon.

I'm just scared everyone will hate me, or get sick of me and leave. Then I sabotage myself by not even talking to anyone. I have no close friends, not in person anyway, and last time this subject got brought up in my family, things got bad. Really bad. Family can't know.

You need to tell someone, though.

Cloud500 (post: 1445188) wrote:Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. You have to understand that we care and don't want you to just throw your life away.

Do you think that you could talk with your family about these urges you're having? If you're worried you may end up doing something, it would be wise to have someone "keep an eye on you" so to speak, so that you don't do anything dangerous.

You hit the nail on the head with why I hate myself so much. I'm too screwed up to be able to tell when people care. I don't know if it's my emotional abuse, or my learning disorder, or what, but I can't tell when people care. I don't understand anything unless it's made really clear, and that's why most people get sick of me. Or they try to help me in esoteric ways, and since I can't understand them, I can't do them, so people think I'm being lazy or that I don't want to e helped or that I'm not listening. Family can't know. I'm the only one I can trust to keep an eye on myself.

Cloud500 (post: 1445190) wrote:You need to tell someone, though.

If I try and fail, I'll tell someone.

And for what it's worth, I really hope everyone knows I'm not attention-seeking. And I really really wish I was different. That's why I'm going to my doctor again soon. We tried for months to get an appointment with a pyschiatrist, but they made it impossible.

Aedin, I've told You a thousand times that God Loves you And I'll say it again.
Your life isn't hopeless. Just look at all the people who have posted on this thread. We want to understand you and we want to help you. If no one cared, no one would post here. God Loves You, so just please, please reconsider

Lynna (post: 1445194) wrote:Aedin, I've told You a thousand times that God Loves you And I'll say it again.
Your life isn't hopeless. Just look at all the people who have posted on this thread. We want to understand you and we want to help you. If no one cared, no one would post here. God Loves You, so just please, please reconsider

And you're right. About everything. Another reason I hate myself. I'm too screwed up to see the obvious, and I don't know why. I wish that **** psychiatrist place would get in contact with us, we've been trying for months.

You've tried and failed before. You don't know if you'll always fail. Please, tell someone now.

Cloud500 (post: 1445197) wrote:You've tried and failed before. You don't know if you'll always fail. Please, tell someone now.

I keep meaning to go to bed then remembering something else.

The reason I can't tell anyone, is people in my town, if they find out, they will literally shun me and abandon me. I can't take that. I went to this church for a while. Was kinda friends with people there. I thought one girl and I could be good friends, she seemed really nice. As soon as she found out I dealt with depression, she stopped talking to me. A year later, she told me it was because I had depression. I can't tell anyone ind person what I'm dealing with, because I can't take being abandoned again.

I'm not trying to bully you around or be bossy, but I'm really going to suggest hospitlization/an instuitution once for the fact they'll be able to help you the moment you come to them. They'll always listen you and be there for you. They can help you get through this if you give them the change.

Doctors will not ignore you or turn you away.