Dating: What's its Purpose? Why do it?

[jon_jinn]

these questions have always been somewhat of a mystery to me. what's the purpose of "dating" someone? why do it? what's your definition of dating? what's your opinion on dating? i'm not asking this because i'm interested in someone or something like that, i just want to know.

[teen4truth]

I think it is usually out of selfishness. The dating mindset is "how much fun can I have before I have to dedicate myself to someone?" under the guise of "I want to get to know this person well." (not that all daters date purely out of selfishness, it is just a selfish mindset)

I prefer courtship, which is much the same but concentrates on having a friendship with the person first and then, once a couple, hanging out in group settings.

Why? Because in actuallity it is harder to get to know someone when you're in a dating situation, which stresses being your best rather than being yourself. Its easy to 'put on a show' when you're on a date.

[ChristianKitsune]

Currently this little CK isn't dating anyone, nor has she ever had the opportunity, but she can say her ideas of dating and stuffs.

Okay I believe that the whole purpose of dating is to find that one person to marry. It's not about how many guys one can have in one year, or how awesome he looks in his outfits. It's about the heart of the matter.

I don't believe its healthy to change guys like you change your clothes, (or guys, to change girls all the time either) it's just...hard emotionally on everyone I am sure... SoI suggest that kids who are in high school TAKE YOUR FrIGGEN TIME! It's not a contest, you won't be a total loser if you aren't married right out of high school XD The opposite gender isn't what is really important. God is.

I truly believe that a lot of teenagers aren't spirutally mature enough for dating. Grow as much as you can and stay intune with God before you even consider asking someone/accepting. Seriously, that way you won't fall behind on your relationship. :3

Right now i feel that I seriously need to grow stronger before I date... God needs to be first before I add a guy into the mix. Or I will have one gigantic mess!

[Mr. SmartyPants]

I think it is usually out of selfishness. The dating mindset is "how much fun can I have before I have to dedicate myself to someone?" under the guise of "I want to get to know this person well." (not that all daters date purely out of selfishness, it is just a selfish mindset)

I prefer courtship, which is much the same but concentrates on having a friendship with the person first and then, once a couple, hanging out in group settings.

Why? Because in actuallity it is harder to get to know someone when you're in a dating situation, which stresses being your best rather than being yourself. Its easy to 'put on a show' when you're on a date.

Well it's evident that your definition of "dating" is different than mine. To me, "dating" is more or less being in a relationship with someone.

Now it can be a meaningful relationship where both people genuinely love each other and wish to live the rest of their lives together, or it can be a broken, screwed up one that we tend to see all the time.

[teen4truth]

Well it's evident that your definition of "dating" is different than mine. To me, "dating" is more or less being in a relationship with someone.

Now it can be a meaningful relationship where both people genuinely love each other and wish to live the rest of their lives together, or it can be a broken, screwed up one that we tend to see all the time.

hmmm my definition of dating would probably specifically be a romantic relationship where the two try to get to know eachother by going on dates...by spending time alone together.

(EDIT)
On that note, the thing I dislike the most about dating is exposing one's self to temptation by spending alone time with the other person in secluded or romantic environments. Not that having a bit of alone time with your perspective spouse every now and then is bad, but dating stresses it too much.

Also, dating most often involves dating more than one person, which I find to be very anti-biblical.
Let's look at some successful couples of the Bible:
Adam and Eve
Boaz and Ruth
Mary and Joseph
none of the people had to 'date around.'

[Ashley]

Ithink it is usually out of selfishness. The dating mindset is "how much fun can I have before I have to dedicate myself to someone?" under the guise of "I want to get to know this person well." (not that all daters date purely out of selfishness, it is just a selfish mindset)

I prefer courtship, which is much the same but concentrates on having a friendship with the person first and then, once a couple, hanging out in group settings.

I disagree. I have been dating for over a year now, and while SOME people may go into it selfishly, those same people treat courtship selfishly. It's not the practice, it's the people.

Why? Because in actuallity it is harder to get to know someone when you're in a dating situation, which stresses being your best rather than being yourself. Its easy to 'put on a show' when you're on a date.

So what, that pressure doesn't go away if you're in front of MORE people, including this person you have feelings for? I've found that to be quite untrue. That pressure doesn't disappear just because you change the word "dating" to "courting." I personally think courting is the opposite extreme, and therefore creates some new problems while attempting to solve the old ones. I'd be more for a balanced approach, rather than the extremes.

And obviously it's not the ONLY way to do things--Adam never courted Eve.

I think the purpose of dating--OR courtship--is to seek a spouse. If you're not interested in marriage, you are not old enough to be dating. I'm very glad I waited until college to do so.

I've been dating my current boyfriend for over a year now and it's been one of the greatest blessings God has ever given me. I seriously thank Him for this relationship every day, and feel myself growing stronger as a person and as a Christian thanks to his influence. I believe when done properly, relationships are a beautiful picture of God's love.

[Cap'n Nick]

People date/court/harass each other for a variety of reasons, but ideally it should be about having fun, finding out what you want and need in the opposite sex, and finding a marriage partner. It doesn't matter so much how you do it or what you call it as long as you keep these goals in mind and keep yourself pure.

If you don't feel like doing any of that yet, that's okay, too. Finding a life partner is supposed to improve your life, and if you don't feel that it's going to do that then it isn't the thing to do.

[Danderson]

I see the whole dating thing as just one big game...Just a distraction from what looking for what you're supposed to be doing with your life for God...spending all your energy into trying to win the heart of someone, only to find out too late that it's not going to work...

Why do I believe this? Well, think of it this way...If you've given everything to God (this would include your future and your future spouse) then what are you doing messing around with someone whom you have no idea if that's who God wants you to be with?....

Also, in the long run, I'd say it's better to try to stress more in becoming someones friend then their boyfriend or girlfriend...

[teen4truth]

Ashley, when you have more of your buddies around, not only can you see how your 'love interest' treats other people and interacts with them, but it creates more of a 'hang out and have fun' environment rather than the awkwardness that can occure in dating situations.

Danderson, I agree. Dating in our culture is more often a game then God-centered. I also agree that becoming someone's friend before entering any kind of romantic relationship would be a wise step.

Cap'n Nick, I'd have to say that you can figure out what you want in the opposite sex without dating them.

[Cap'n Nick]

You could also figure it out without courting them. You could also figure it out without seeing them (if you wore a blindfold) without hearing them (if you only communicated via instant message) or without engaging any number of your senses or faculties. But, it would be a pointless handicap. Forbidding dating or other behavior that is not intrinsically sinful and potentially helpful is rather silly.

[jon_jinn]

actually, the reason why i asked this question is because almost all of my school friends are in dating relationships. i, personally, find that dating is somewhat meaningless at such a young age because there's really no point to it. i mean, you don't need to date someone of the opposite gender to get to know that person. and it's very, very likely that you'll break up sooner or later if you're dating as young as i am...

[mechana2015]

At 15 it is pretty pointless, but at Nick, Ashley, Ryans and my ages, its more feasable and likely to have the results of a close relationship, as well as being a better way to get to know someone personally.

[Popsicle]

[color="DeepSkyBlue"]For me dating can be a way of getting the experience you might need in a marriage relationship. But it all depends on what God wants you to do. I haven't dated anyone yet in my life, but God has told me that if I were to get into a relationship, then that relationship would have to bring glory to Him. [/color]

[Puguni]

Just a distraction from what looking for what you're supposed to be doing with your life for God...spending all your energy into trying to win the heart of someone, only to find out too late that it's not going to work...

Why do I believe this? Well, think of it this way...If you've given everything to God (this would include your future and your future spouse) then what are you doing messing around with someone whom you have no idea if that's who God wants you to be with?....

I think you're just being extremely cynical.

If a hypothetical person has no idea whether the person he/she is with right now sent from God, why do you consider it "messing around?" I think it's only wrong when you've lost sight of God and REALLY start messing around.

Anyways, to me, dating is like, one step above friendship. I find it unrealistic to randomly ask someone on a date and would rather get to know them. Then after dating comes courtship and after that, hopefully marriage. At least that's how I see it. Dating is more transient, not very serious. However, it is one thing to get to know them when your friends are around and another to get to know them when it's just the two of you. Hopefully these positions don't make your date's personality radically different.

And also, if you're dating decent people, it really could come down to the fact that the two of you just don't have good chemistry.

I'm going to ask a question of my own to you guys:
To what extent is it right to just sit and passively wait for God to hand over your soul mate? Should we go about our daily lives patiently? Or do we take a chance with someone you know and are attracted to? Or does it depend?

Oh ya, I agree that preteens shouldn't date. Or be let out of their houses. But that's another story.

[Alexander]

I personally think it's an option that can work really well for someone or not.

For me it definitely wouldn't work as the whole atmosphere of me being in love with a girl while trying to spend time with her would be far too much for me to handle. I prefer just naturally spending my time with her, if I had someone to love that is.

It can be considered selfish by some people, but then, the couple overall would be selfish to one another as they sadly are. If I was to go on a date, I'd rather do something both me and the girl were interested in and focus our time on that.

As for building a relationship and getting married, that's another story.

So, I say, do what works best for the couple.

[Debitt]

I think some of the Christian community seems to have slapped the label "dating" on the one night stand, two week whirl sort of shindigs, while holding up courting as the paradigm of all things God wants for us. Before I go on: please don't take this as a shot against anyone's convictions. If God wants you to "court" rather than "date", then by all means you should be listening to Him instead of someone with a thumbs up avatar on an internet forum.

BUT -- the way I see things, the labels really just muddle things up. If you're searching for a good, godly relationship between you, another person, and the Lord where marriage could be in sight, then I think it's fair to say that God won't care what the heck you call it or who the heck you're around when you're in said relationship.

[Nate]

I'm going to ask a question of my own to you guys:
To what extent is it right to just sit and passively wait for God to hand over your soul mate? Should we go about our daily lives patiently? Or do we take a chance with someone you know and are attracted to? Or does it depend?

Puguni, you are awesome. I agree completely.

You can say all you want "If someone is meant for me God will show them to me." But where does the Bible say to sit back and do nothing and wait for God to do everything for us?

I want to go to college. There are three colleges I'm looking at. Should I just not apply to any of them and say, "Well God, I won't apply to a college until you show me which one to go to?" Wouldn't you find that to be silly?

So how is it any less silly to go "Well God, I won't date anyone until you show me which person to be with?" It's the same principle.

God wants us to be ACTIVE, not REactive.

Now I'm going to tell you guys a personal story.

Three years ago, I met a girl. She was sweet, and kind, and fun to be around. My dad had died recently and I was going through the grieving process, and was also trying to get into college on top of things. I was not looking for anyone to date. I didn't want to get in a relationship because I was too busy and too emotionally fragile.

Over the months, she and I became good friends. We were good friends for about four months or so. I realized I had developed feelings for her. I mentioned them, she said she already had a boyfriend, and so we left it at friendship.

However, due to a series of stupid events I won't get into, I ended up finding out this girl had feelings for me too. I ran from it, at first, and so did she. Neither one of us wanted to date. But then, we looked at each other, and thought.

We weren't looking for anyone. I was too busy, she was in a relationship with a guy she'd been with for FOUR YEARS. We didn't want to date. But after a bunch of irritation, we felt God had led us to each other. We felt like this was what it meant, when people said they would wait for God to bring them the right person. We prayed about it...a lot. Boy, did we both pray for God to give us strength and guidance. We kept God at the center of our relationship.

And guess what?

She broke up with me. The relationship failed. So let me ask you guys a question. We didn't want a relationship, we both tried to NOT date each other, we prayed fervently, felt God was blessing us, kept God at the center of our lives...and it still failed.

Did we not pray enough? Was that our problem? Did we just not run away from each other far enough? It's so easy to sit there and pretend like trusting God will make everything in our lives perfect, but guess what? We're human. And know what? Sometimes God gives us the failures in our lives for a REASON.

If I hadn't been in a failed relationship, I never would have learned the things about myself that I did. Guess what would have happened if I'd never dated this girl and rushed into a marriage? It'd be a big huge mess, that's what would've happened. This failure broke my heart and I still regret some things, but I'm glad I had a relationship that ended this way...because if I hadn't failed, I would never have learned anything. Now, I can use what I learned from my failure...and turn it into a success next time.

I know a lot of people that believed God would lead them to the right person, people that prayed a lot about this sort of thing, and married the first person they dated because they thought God had rewarded their patience. Wanna know where 50% of those people are now? In a state of divorce.

Or are you going to say they just didn't listen to God enough?

[Gabriel 9.0]

Dating to me, is when somebody gets to know another person to see if that is that special somebody they end marrying later down the road. I myself haven't really started dating yet due to certain things in my past I won't mention here.

I think the best move when it comes to dating/later serious stuff that leads to marriage is waiting on God to let you know when is the right time to commence it.

[SnoringFrog]

So what, that pressure doesn't go away if you're in front of MORE people, including this person you have feelings for? I've found that to be quite untrue. That pressure doesn't disappear just because you change the word "dating" to "courting." I personally think courting is the opposite extreme, and therefore creates some new problems while attempting to solve the old ones. I'd be more for a balanced approach, rather than the extremes.

Depends on who this other group was and the type of person you are though. I know I find it easier to "be myself" when I'm aroudn the people I hang out with the most. When I'm around people I don't hang out with as often, I tend to stay towards my more serious side so as not to come off as a complete nutjob.

I see it as basically trying to get to knwo soem one better and decide if they're the right person for you to marry. Although, at my age it seems to be relatively useless and can do more harm than good. Most recently, a girl I'm good friends with and I 'dated' I guess you could call it, not exactly what it was, but it was headed there. Anyways, it didn't really work out, and after we broke up I not only ended up losing that relationship, but almost completely lost my friendship with her, which was very difficult considering she's one of the very few people I feel I can fully trust at this point.

I'm going to ask a question of my own to you guys:
To what extent is it right to just sit and passively wait for God to hand over your soul mate? Should we go about our daily lives patiently? Or do we take a chance with someone you know and are attracted to? Or does it depend?

I'm probably a larger advocate of going and looking for the mate God wants for you rather than sitting around doing nothing. God will direct you to the right spouse, but you can't do nothing and expect him to just drop him or her into your lap and have everything work out right.

[termyt]

First off, to put myself in context, I am a bachelor with no plans to change that. My reasons for being a bachelor are many and varied. It would take a year's worth of psychology sessions to ferret them all out.

My reason for posting here is to try to sum up what’s being said to try to help the discussion along because, as I see it, there is some disagreement which may be more because of how we are defining “dating” than how we actually feel on the subject.

First, let’s define a “date.” It’s difficult to discuss a topic without a definition – although that rarely stops us from trying.

You are on a date, I think, if you and another person are there specifically to be with each other for the purposes of romance. This could be dinner for two at a restaurant or a group of friends hanging out together or a party. It doesn’t matter whether you are alone or in a group, if the two of you are together with the interest of pursuing a romantic relationship, then you are on a date. Any type of date can range from very-serious-this-is-the-one-I-will-marry to I’m-having-a-good-time-with-good-company-even-though-this-may-not-lead-to-marriage. We tend to focus on the former, but in high school especially, we should stay closer to the other end of the scale. Looking for a soulmate is fine, even in high school, but there should be a certain realization there that you both still have a lot of “growing up” to do and it’s OK to break up a dating relationship.

I would think, when most folks say they do not date, they are specifically avoiding the one-on-one form of dating preferring the group-type dating. Those who respond to the “I don’t date” crowd with “how do you expect to find your soulmate – will God just drop him in your lap?” would seem to have a similar view of dating as I stated above and are thus confused by the assertion even though their positions may not be that far off from each other.

[Ashley]

To what extent is it right to just sit and passively wait for God to hand over your soul mate? Should we go about our daily lives patiently? Or do we take a chance with someone you know and are attracted to? Or does it depend?

I would say to go about it prayerfully and cautiously, but actively nonetheless.

The method that worked best in my experience would be to hold situations up to the Lord, and just simply ask "Is he someone I should date?" I usually got a "No" and sometimes I got a "yes" that turned out to be a "No." But when it was no, I didn't try to fight it, I just accepted it and went about my life.

Sometimes, though, that answer wasn't immediate, and I had to go on a few dates before it became a clear no. I don't regret them because they were blameless and nothing of my purity or my heart was lost. So yeah, I think it's okay to do some active seeking, so long as when you sense the answer is "no" you back away.

[Mave]

My last date lasted 3-4 years and I was a bit more reactive in initiating this relationship.

Call me emotional but right now, saying "God, I won't date anyone until you show me which person to be with?" sounds pretty darned good. XD Guess I'm a little sick of trying to find that person by my own will to the point I wouldn't mind for "Boaz" to pop up offering to be my husband.

I also don't mind being single for the rest of my life so either ways, I'm cool with whatever outcome God allows.

PS: I don't think dating at 14 is a good idea. I did it, it failed and it hurt a lot. Not to say that there's anything wrong with being hurt but I don't think I handle the pain well then

[mitsuki lover]

It takes a while to find Miss or Mr.Right for most people so in that context dating can be seen as simply testing the waters to see what you like or don't like about the opposite sex.It isn't selfish per se,it can turn into selfishness though if the whole thing is about you and you neglect or forget that the other person is also a human being.
If and when you find the right person then it can turn into the more serious aspect of courting.
To be brief,I would see dating as being pre-courtship unless you wish to remain single.In that case dating can be seen as a fun way of getting to know people of the opposite sex and enjoying their company.

[KhakiBlueSocks]

these questions have always been somewhat of a mystery to me. what's the purpose of "dating" someone? why do it? what's your definition of dating? what's your opinion on dating? i'm not asking this because i'm interested in someone or something like that, i just want to know.

The purpose of dating someone?

Well, off the top of my head, the reason for dating is to have something between "Hi, how are you" and "I do!" After all, how akward would it be to walk up to someone and say, "Hi! So, who do you want to invite to the wedding?"

Seriously, I have NEVER been on a date, because I'm still trying to learn who I am as a person, a man, and a servant of God. Heaven knows I'm not ready to bring someone else into that mix.

:rant:That's one thing I hate about where I work. As soon as I tell someone I don't have a girlfriend, they try to "hook me up". Unless I ask, don't offer!

[Blitzkrieg1701]

Wow. So many deep posts...

While I feel very under-qualified to contribute to this discussion, I'd like to point out that, for all the discussion over what the proper definition of "date" is, the alternatives are being a little misrepresented too. Personally, I'm not a big fan of the whole dating concept, but I would never suggest that it's God's will to "get married right away" either (I think it was Nate who touched on that) I'm definitely not getting married until I've known somebody a LONG time, especially because I know I've got a lot of maturing left to do myself. If anything, I question the fact that we usually keep "normal" friendships so superficial that we'd have to move into this other, different kind of relationship just to find out if marriage is God's will or not.

[SnoringFrog]

The method that worked best in my experience would be to hold situations up to the Lord, and just simply ask "Is he someone I should date?" I usually got a "No" and sometimes I got a "yes" that turned out to be a "No." But when it was no, I didn't try to fight it, I just accepted it and went about my life.

You said you got a 'yes' that turned out to be 'no'. Do you mean you got a 'yes, this is a person you should date' followed by a 'no, this isn't the one to marry' or what you originally thought was a yes turned out to be you perhaps misinterpreting for your own selfish reasons? I know when thinking and praying about whether or not I should even bother with anything close to this, I tend to be get more inactive and wait for God to give me soem sort of salient sign so that I don't confuse my desires with what God's telling me. Otherwise, He may e giving a firm 'no' but because of my selfishness I had myself convinced that it was "what God wanted me to do". I think this applies to pretty much anything, not just dating.

[Icarus]

If anything, I question the fact that we usually keep "normal" friendships so superficial that we'd have to move into this other, different kind of relationship just to find out if marriage is God's will or not.

Here here.

[Akane]

I think it is usually out of selfishness. The dating mindset is "how much fun can I have before I have to dedicate myself to someone?" under the guise of "I want to get to know this person well." (not that all daters date purely out of selfishness, it is just a selfish mindset)

I prefer courtship, which is much the same but concentrates on having a friendship with the person first and then, once a couple, hanging out in group settings.

Why? Because in actuallity it is harder to get to know someone when you're in a dating situation, which stresses being your best rather than being yourself. Its easy to 'put on a show' when you're on a date.

I agree. Imo, the only reason for "datin'" (or whadev you wanna call it) is to find the person that would best help you to complete your purpose which God has intended for you and vice versa.

[Etoh*the*Greato]

It's only selfish if you go in to it selfishly. I've never at any point sought "fun" in the course of dating. being a romantic myself, I've wanted only to find my true love. By God's grace I found her about six years ago and started our journey together, but I would still be searching if I hadn't - and how does one search? Well, dating is one way. You develop an initial attraction, and decide to try somethin' out. If it works you end up getting in to a relationship. It is the relationship stage at which you really start finding out about a person.

It's not a selfish thing though - unless you count trying to find a mate selfish. The "dating mindset" thrown out by popular culture is not the way it works in the real world, nor do I know of any people who are under the misguided impression that it is. If you think it's based on any selfish desires, then perhaps you ought to blame the people - not the process.

[ICE-rocks]

Dating... this is also something thats been on my mind. I want a Gf but then I don't... I think even though I'm 16 I'm still learning and should just wait for the right time.
Although I feel left out when one of my friends are dating but I don't think it makes them selfish.