Highschool relationships?

[JediSonic]

Hey!

I'm a Junior in highschool and am thinking about asking someone out - she's a freshman - but I feel unsure still at times of whether dating in highschool is worth it.

A friend of mine pointed out that highscool relationships arent always a bad thing, but are merely too often started for the wrong reasons. This one, should I choose to pursue it, would be based primarily on friendship and God as well as on love and trust - this to me seems the best foundation. I feel that we have a strong spiritual connection already - her faith may well be the greatest I've seen in a classmate this past year (since moving) and her family seems to like me; I was her Confirmation sponsor recently.

The thing is of course, though, that the chances of the relationship lasting as long as two years are approximately ZERO. And it wouldn't be till 2 years after that that she'd enter college, and it probably would be a different one. Making chances of marriage something like zero cubed. (!?!??)

So basically, I'm making this thread to ask the opinions of people with experience: can highschool dating be worth it? Did you regret it? Is it significantly harder to cope with lonliness in college having loved someone who isn't around your senior year of highschool? Did it hurt the prospect of life-long friendship significantly?

I truly do love this person and intend on the relationship (if existing) leading us both closer to God every step of the way. She's also great to be around, showing great strength and positive personality/attitude around others in the face of some family (medical/financial) problems. To further pschoanalyze myself (I'm good at that), these issues increase my desire to help / comfort her in any way possible as just have fun in the usual [christian] way.

The bottom line is, this is looking like my best shot at a God-centered relationship in highschool. Is there any reason, in your opinion, to steer clear of it simply because it seems doomed to be temporary? Or should I put fear (partly influenced by a nightmare of a past relationship) aside and do what comes naturally, being sure to let God take the lead through prayer at all times?

Thanks! I owe you one.

[Mithrandir]

Well, I don't know you - or her - but I can tell you my experience.

I was in a similar situation, and went with the relationship. It was, perhaps, 4 years later that I ended up a broken and bitter shell of a man. Then I went on to screw up all kinds of relationships until I finally got hurt big time - and woke up to reality. My next relationship after that has lasted, uh, 8 years and counting.

Of course, YMMV.

[JediSonic]

Yikes. Perhaps the good news is that I was a broken and bitter shell of a 16-year-old last year for perhaps different reasons, so now knowing God 100x better I stand a better chance of it not happening again! Hopefully.

[Ingemar]

I've never had a girlfriend. Heck, I've never even dated. I'm at an age where many of my peers would have had dozens of (failed) relationships or even unwanted pregancies. If I seem unhelpful or even jaded, do forgive me.

[Jih]

Go for it for experience but the number one rule isn't to get attached...lol, you probably don't want to hear that but, if you're looking for someone to marry at this age I think you need to enjoy life a little more.

[ClosetOtaku]

Heck, yes, go out on a date. Do something fun together. Enjoying the company of members of the opposite gender without getting too unrealistic about the seriousness of your relationship is refreshing (but, of course, can be tough at times, especially on that one person in the relationship who is always more serious than the other).

Your forecast, though, is entirely accurate -- probability of marital precipitation, approximately zero.

Afraid of getting your heart stomped on? "I'm sorry, but that's the price of admission, son. You pays your quarter, you takes your chances." That stomping process, by the way, is actually rather valuable in the long-term in developing even more mature relationships -- the type of relationships you will want to find yourself in for the rest of your life.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Well I say ask her out and be with her and stuff.

If you're unsure of the success, I dunno. Give it a shot. Just don't let it go sour.

[Raiden no Kishi]

Heck, yes, go out on a date. Do something fun together. Enjoying the company of members of the opposite gender without getting too unrealistic about the seriousness of your relationship is refreshing (but, of course, can be tough at times, especially on that one person in the relationship who is always more serious than the other).

Your forecast, though, is entirely accurate -- probability of marital precipitation, approximately zero.

Afraid of getting your heart stomped on? "I'm sorry, but that's the price of admission, son. You pays your quarter, you takes your chances." That stomping process, by the way, is actually rather valuable in the long-term in developing even more mature relationships -- the type of relationships you will want to find yourself in for the rest of your life.

Or conversely, you could just be friends, which is something that you appear to want, forget the whole "dating" business, and have as much if not more fun with much fewer strings attached. It's worked for me ~ I have more female friends than male friends, and everything's cool, whereas I've watched my best friend go through three screwed-up relationships [he's not yet through the third] in the same time.

You don't have to risk "getting your heart stomped on". Be her friend. It works. It also rocks immensely.

.rai//

[Doubleshadow]

Tough question Jedi. In my own opinion I wouldn't reccommend that one date at all in high school unless you felt God was telling you to do so. There a bunch of reasons for this. One is people change a lot once the leave the microenvironment of a high school, and its likely that people who were dating will soon have nothing in common. Another is the tempatation to get as close physcially as you are emotionally. There is also the amount of time and energy you are wasting on relationships that will probably fail.
It isn't outside the realm of possibility that you'll find the right person in high school (my parents did, and met on a blind date in fact), but the chances are low and even if you do find that person, are you in any postition to get married any time soon?

[Alice]

Sounds to me as though you basically already know this relationship isn't "the one" or that the girl isn't marriage material. Then why have a relationship with her?

If you're okay with it, and don't get hurt, what about her? She's younger than you, right?

Even if you can keep this relationship "in perspective," how can you know she'll be able to? Maybe you will break her heart, and take up valuable time when she should have been learning about the Lord, or other stuff.

Speaking as a girl, I know how easy some of us can get attached, fall in love, etc. And get our hearts broken. Do you want to take that risk with this vulnerable young lady's heart?

Just my two cents. Think about it -- seriously.

[JediSonic]

Yes, I've certainly been seriously thinking about it. If I go through with this, it'll be along the lines of ClosetOtaku's reasoning (not getting "too" serious) and having thoroughly discussed the whole matter with the girl. Granted though, it could still be a concern even then.

Thanks for the thoughts, guys

[Destroyer2000]

Man, I'm a junior, and my girlfriend is homeschooled, but she's the age a freshman would be...and so far, it's fine. I see nothing wrong with them, as they are started for the right reasons, and that you don't become too attached too early. I struggled with the same doubts that everyone seems to have about high school relationships, but I also understand that marriage at this age is a very, very bad idea. I wouldn't even think about it until much later on, but you shouldn't date someone you can't consider marrying, because otherwise you are just plahying with their heart. And while I chose to go ahead with mine when I'd denied myself so many times before, do what you feel is right. I'd put a lot of prayer into the relationship I have now, and I'm happier than I have ever been. But like I said...do what you feel is the right thign to do.

[Jih]

Or conversely, you could just be friends, which is something that you appear to want, forget the whole "dating" business, and have as much if not more fun with much fewer strings attached. It's worked for me ~ I have more female friends than male friends, and everything's cool, whereas I've watched my best friend go through three screwed-up relationships [he's not yet through the third] in the same time.

You don't have to risk "getting your heart stomped on". Be her friend. It works. It also rocks immensely.

.rai//

...and get stuck in the friend zone (which isn't a bad thing if that's what you want).


As for Alice's ideas, I think this could a learning experience for both parties. While someone may be hurt, that's the way life is and I don't know that being hurt is a bad thing. You live learn.

[Mave]

I had my first boyfriend when I was 14. We met up secretly and I spent a good amount hiding that fact from my family (e.g. late talks at night, taking alternative routes when walking home from school). <--- Kids, do not do this. I feel embarrassed admitting this.

6 months later, the split came and the few weeks after that day seemed like the worst time of my life (with the exception of the few days right before my Master's thesis defense in university hehe). It took me more than a year before I could even bring myself to talk to him and up to this day, I feel awkward when I think about him.

I do think that I would have been able to deal with the pain better if I was a few years older or even better at university level when I would have been more mature and a confirmed Christian.

I generally advise my younger friends to at least, wait until college. Sure, being at college doesn't guarantee a lifelong relationship either (I recently broke up with my bf whom I met in university) but at least, I could move on more quickly and deal with negative emotions more healthily (by surrendering them to God).

[Kawaiikneko]

Probability for marriage is close to zero but it isn't exactly zero. I know several couples who dated straight through high school and are getting married this spring. One couple dated from 7th grade straight through high school, and the other couple is more than two years apart (started dating when one was a senior, the other a freshman). So... it's not like it can't work. =] Personally I think lots of high school relationships can be dumb, but you seem to be going into it with the right mindset.

[Mr. Rogers]

Go for it for experience but the number one rule isn't to get attached...lol, you probably don't want to hear that but, if you're looking for someone to marry at this age I think you need to enjoy life a little more.

I think that's an absolutely terrible idea, quite honestly. If you start going out with someone, you are most likely going to get attached. That is a selfish and hurtful thing to do to somebody.

[termyt]

I agree wholly with the words of ClosetOtaku.

Date. Have fun. Be open and honest with each other about the fact that most high school romances don't survive past high school and how you feel about that. Realistic expectations + experience with the opposite sex will be invaluable to both of you down the road. Not to mention that neither of you will be the same person in six to eight years. High school, college, and puberty will change you both significantly, believe me.

Just because the relationship probably won't lead to marriage doesn't mean it isn't worthwhile.

[mitsuki lover]

It is up to you what you do.Just don't go overboard with the relationship.

[Jih]

I think that's an absolutely terrible idea, quite honestly. If you start going out with someone, you are most likely going to get attached. That is a selfish and hurtful thing to do to somebody.

So you're going to tell me you've never gone out with someone who you couldn't get attached to? Someone you never married? I glanced at your age and saw you were 21. I think that relationships in high school are about being with someone you like more than a friend, not necessarily thinking about marriage.

[RedMage]

Which is why I don't see the point on bothering with them.

But that's all I'll say about that.

[Jih]

Which is why I don't see the point on bothering with them.

But that's all I'll say about that.

The point would be to numb one's heart a little bit more and learn how to flirt with members of the opposite sex.

[Mr. Rogers]

The point would be to numb one's heart a little bit more and learn how to flirt with members of the opposite sex.

Why would anyone want to numb their heart? I want mine to be fully alive - not numbed down, not killed.

[Jih]

Why would anyone want to numb their heart? I want mine to be fully alive - not numbed down, not killed.

If YOU want to have an ultra-sensitive and easily broken heart who's emotions are easily changed by the opinions of a member of the opposite sex or by someone who you have/had a crush on, be my guest.

[Mr. Rogers]

If YOU want to have an ultra-sensitive and easily broken heart who's emotions are easily changed by the opinions of a member of the opposite sex or by someone who you have/had a crush on, be my guest.

I do want to have emotion and desire. I want to feel everything as much as it can be felt. I want to fully love and be loved. Love is a risk. If you don't want hurt, then don't love - anything. You sound like a somewhat broken person. Do you get your self-worth from the opinions of others? Did others let you down?

[Jih]

I do want to have emotion and desire. I want to feel everything as much as it can be felt. I want to fully love and be loved. Love is a risk. If you don't want hurt, then don't love - anything. You sound like a somewhat broken person. Do you get your self-worth from the opinions of others? Did others let you down?

I've made that mistake one to many times in this life. lol you sound like one of the gundam pilots from Gundam Wing "If you don't want to die then don't fight". I now see a good chunk of emotion to be a useless curse and yes, people let me down. They always do that, you can barely depend on anyone.

[ChristianKitsune]

I've made that mistake one to many times in this life. lol you sound like one of the gundam pilots from Gundam Wing "If you don't want to die then don't fight". I now see a good chunk of emotion to be a useless curse and yes, people let me down. They always do that, you can barely depend on anyone.

aww... such sad talk D: (I am serious)

Hmm I agree with a lot of people here. I really feel that we should date to find the person we should marry. Sure we all make mistakes, and alot of times we dont' find that person in high school.

Love is a dangerous thing, yet it is also really fulfilling (from what I hear ^^; )

however, one of my best friends has had like 8 boy friends in the las t4 years, she is desperate for a realationship with a guy...and she has even gotten pregnant from the whole experience (and miscarried a week before high school graduation) (it was horrible, I was with her when it happened...)

So to say that you should risk a lot just to have a title in high school is kinda not cool.

This one time, I was asked out by this guy, one of my best friends..and I was like young and not thinking clearly..so I said yes...

First off, he wasn't a Christian, and second off, before we had the "title" we talked ALL the time...but once we got that title...we sorta stopped talking? :/ So I broke up with him a week later, and I don't even consider that relationship anymore XD (we are still friends though, but he is younger than me, so I don't get to see him too often.) I believe he also accepted Christ last summer too

My parents met in High school and have been married giong on 25 years (YAAY FOR (silver?) Anniversaries!! ^_^

[RedMage]

If YOU want to have an ultra-sensitive and easily broken heart who's emotions are easily changed by the opinions of a member of the opposite sex or by someone who you have/had a crush on, be my guest.

Sure, go ahead and condition yourself through a lot of pointless relationships. Numb your heart a little, as you say. But you know what? You can't undo all of that when you finally do meet the person you're supposed to be with. You'll still be numb, calloused, less able to feel. The only reason your heart wouldn't be ultra-sensitive and easily broken if one does things your way is because it used to be sensitive, but it got broken enough times it became, as you said, numb.

Seems to me you'd go through a lot less heartbreak by just skipping the entire pointless, "practice" dating scene.

But we'll assume for the sake of argument that you're correct. We'll assume that if you don't go through all those "conditioning" relationships, your heart will be "ultra-sensitive" and "easily broken." Well, I can accept that. Because at least it won't be numb.

The thing you see as the goal of dating, the numbing of the heart, even just a little, is the thing that I want most desperately to avoid. The don't want to give the person God wants me to be with is a numb heart. Jesus took us as-is, with all our hurts, scars, and imperfections; all He asked was that we love Him. And without Him, we couldn't love at all. So I can accept giving that person God wants me to be with a heart that's been battered and bruised and broken a few (or not so few) times, if it can still feel all that it's supposed to feel for that person - I can accept it being scarred if it isn't crippled.

Jih, I'm sorry you've been hurt and let down, but maybe you need to consider whether it's a good idea to vent your bitterness like this here in an advice-giving environment.

[JediSonic]

I agree that doing anything for the sake of numbing one's emotions is a bad idea, and though I thank Jih for his input, this thread wasnt really meant for serious debate.

For that matter, I'd like to again thank everyone for their input! I'm seeing a lot of sense (as I always have) in being cautious of highschool relationships, but I also do find the opinions of ClosetOtaku and Termyt to be pretty solid, if applied with due prayer and aforementioned caution.

As for my own situation, I'm not entirely sure how it'll all turn out. I've asked this girl, Katie, to literally just go pray with me tomorrow - something the likes of which I might want to do regardless of relationship status - and just perhaps I'll discuss all of this with her. If anything worth relating comes of it, perhaps I'll let you all know! In the meantime, thankyou for your prayers, advice, and support in putting God first.

[Mave]

It's starting to get confusing here. I think the term relationship here is used too loosely. Relationships to me include close platonic friendships as well as romantic relationships.

What I typical discourage at such a young age are relationships that aren't platonic (e.g. those that you intend to do things together like hug, kiss, cuddle, say lovey-dovey things, plan your future together ---> as if you're going to get married and procreate/have kids).

I have hung out 1-on-1 with guy friends and had a great time. This is NOT as a practice date because while my guy friend and I talked about growing old together and share personal deep thoughts, we know we'll never get married or have kids through each other. So I have a relationship with this guy but it's totally platonic. I dare to use the term relationship because what he and I share is deep and meaningful. But I repeat again, it is not romantic in nature.

The only reason I'm not fond of practice dates is there is high temptation and tendency to cheapen the meaning of romantic relationships. "Hey, let's get to know each other intimately, do things that future married/married couples do but there's no need to be committed." Erm, how does that differentiate us from others who co-habit and take God's point on view on 'eros' relationships lightly?

Some of you think that being hurt isn't necessarily a bad thing but I think I'll leave that to God to decide. Yes, God allows us to go through some sufferings and pains but I also do think that there are certain types of hurts and emotional wounds He would prefer us not to endure but we still insist on it.

What I'm just trying to say is that meaningful platonic relationships with members of the opposite gender are just as fulfilling (and possible!) as romantic relationships, if not better, especially in high school.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

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