CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

I am posting because I am confused about what I feel or even SHOULD be feeling.
Last week, my boyfriend and I went out to eat at a restaurant that for once (lol) wasn't Denny's! As we sat waiting for our order his phone rang and he answered it as the person who was calling had given us directions on how to get to the restuarant...as we had gotten lost...and Steve thought he might be calling to make sure we got there ok.
The guy, asked where he was at and my boyfriend said, "I am at Bj's with my girlfriend." Then, the guy proceeded to ask if it was ok if he stopped by and had a drink with us and Steve looked at me and said, "Yeah, sure."
So, anyways, after a while, the guy shows up with TWO other guys in tow. He tells Steve about his birthday coming up and asked ME if Steve could have permission to go out with him and the other guys for that. I looked him square in the face and said, "I don't care. I always tell him he should hang out with you guys." So, Steve said he'd go. Then the guy starts trying to peruade my boyfriend to drop me off at home and go and "kick it" with them right then and there. Steve told them no, that we had plans and asked him if he intended to order anything to which the guy said no.
The guy turned to me and said, "You wouldn't mind, would you."
I looked at Steve and said, "if he wants to go, he can." while I was thinking that if he accepted their offer I would be furious.
The guy kept trying to get Steve to go with them, Steve adamantly saying No...after about ten minutes of listening to them I finally said, in as calm a voice I could muster, "You know what, I am getting a little annoyed. Because, it is one thing for you to come and have a drink with us but another thing altogether for you to crash our date and try to steal my boyfriend."
After I said that, the guy looked at Steve and said, "We're gonna go." and they left without saying a word to me.
After they left I told Steve that I hoped I wasn't wrong in saying that and he cut me off and said, "No, you are right and I am going to tell him that, too."
The next day, Steve came and picked me up from work and told me that he had talked to his friend.
He had told his friend that he had been rude to which the guy replied that I had Steve on a leash. Steve said he told the guy that wasn't true, but the guy merely said that he didn't believe that and that he had his own opinions. Steve said he told him, "I don't care what you believe!"
I told Steve I wanted him to go to that guy's birthday party. That I was tired of them thinking that I controlled him just because he likes hanging out with me!
Last night was the party...
Steve called me after work, when his Dad picked him up to take him to the party. I guess his Dad asked him if I was going, too....he told his Dad that I wasn't because he didn't want to subject me to those guys' negativity. Then, he told me that he had been talking one of our mutual friends at where I work (he used to work there to) and that she had told him that those guys weren't really his friends.
He told me that he didn't know whether or not he should be a total Jerk at the party or if he should just play it cool. He told me that if anyone said anything bad about me that he felt like he would just go off. I told him that his friends don't HAVE to like me...
He said he was just tired of it.
...I feel bad. I feel bad.
I don't want Steve to have to choose between me and his friends.
I love him so much.
...and I don't know what to do.
I can't force him to hang out with his friends just as he can't force them to actually get to know me.
I really don't know what to do, if there is anything to do at all.
...I haven't talked to him since before the party...
so, I don't know what happened there.

haha...long ramble, but that's ok.

Just my personal opinion, but you did nothing wrong. Dont worry about it! If his 'friends' were being jerks that's no fault of yours. In the end it's your boyfriend's choice how to spend his time...with the guys or you. Just keep being honest with him about how you feel and keep the lines of communication open. you'll do fine.

Yah what faded said.

Those guys sound like total meanies.

It might be better if he kinda ditched them too. All they'll do is cause trouble. o_o And we don't want you getting hurt!

I definitely think you did the right thing. And you should be really happy that your boyfriend decided to stay with you instead of going off with his friends, who were being rude, especially since you were on a date with him. He was polite to you to decline their offer; and you were right to tell them that you were on a date and they were crashing it. Way to go, I say!

You specifically said "if he wants to go, he can". They had no reason to believe you were keeping your boyfriend on a leash. If they believed that you are tying to keep him on a leash, it is quite possible they are the ones trying to keep him on a leash. Or some sort of "breaking the bondage which you are in" type of thing, which he really wasn't.

This is a fault on your boyfriend's friends part for making a false assumption. At the resturant, it may have been helpful if you said something along the lines of "Listen, my boyfriend already said he didn't want to. I have no objection to wether or not he goes, but if he does not wish to, then that is his decision"

If they still reacted the same way, that is because they were not acting maturely and properly. This is no fault of your own

If his "friends" say things like that, then they obviously aren't his friends. And how can you have him on a leash when you tell him he can go, in front of the "friends?" If you ask me, you were right, and if you bf has to decide, he should choose his girlfriend over his fickle buddies.

As limewire's already figured out, asking the guy to choose anyone, be it the her or his friends is not the answer. Unless he ditches his friends on his own accord there's nothing that can really be done about it because any kind of action would only be proving them right. But if he decides to keep the friends and stay with her, then this will almost certainly happen again. Fortunately he seems to know this too, he just needs to ask his friend to stop being so selfish.

You're not at fault by any means. But unfortunately, there's nothing you can do directly, missie. Fortunately, prayer is always the best option, albeit an indirect one. Just bless his friends, and they'll get over it.

Thank you for your comments everyone...

I talked to him and sadly enough he is playing into their games...
told me he feels like he's missed out on a lot.

I told him that I didn't like or trust his friends because they keep talking trash about me. I told him that I have said IN FRONT OF THEM that he can do whatever he wants...but still they refuse to believe it.
I told him that I wasn't trying to make him choose between them or me.
I told him that I would never say anything against his friends beyond this, but that he needed to really think because they keep saying I am trying to control him, but maybe that is what THEY are trying to do. I told him to think about it...I don't tell him where he can go or who he can go with. They tell him to stop hanging out with me so much. I told him it almost seemed like they were trying to break us up because they don't like me...
he said he had thought a little about that...

he told me that he hopes I don't think he doesn't love me.
I said in reply that I just wished he wouldn't let his friends influence how he feels.

I understand, though.
he's had these friends for a long, long, time...
he has only been in love with me for a year...

I think it is very safe to say that he loves you. Don't think that he doesn't. Mistakes happen all the time and later you'll look back and say "Why did think that? That was stupid of me." Random bad occurances following one another will cause confusion and such.

Relationships will always have problems, that's just normal. It's how they are delt that matters.

It sounds to me like your bf's buddy is jealous of the time he spends with you. This happens a lot, especially when the other guy doesn't have a steady girlfriend. If your bf used to spend a lot of time with the guys, and now that he's dating you he doesn't, it might make them think that you're monopolizing all his time. It really sounds like that is his choice though, as you encourage him to spend time with the guys. However, if you pout when he says he's going to hang with the guys, that would be sending another message entirely. (I'm not at all saying you do this; only you and he know that.)

Based on what you said, it sounds like his friend is very immature, insecure, and manipulative.

Steves friends sound at best stupid, and at worst jerks. Of course if he has been friends with them for a long time he cannot just shove them aside entirely. Though at times he should be a bit more firm in telling them to bug off for a bit.

Sounds like the guy really loves you though, so thats a start. My biggest advice to you is to make sure that you always tell Steve what you really think. Hinting wont work, and you cannot assume that he will realise things. He wont. We guys are pretty thick, even when we are well meaning. When it comes to figuring things out about relationships from subtle hints, women definatly have the upperhand.

Scribs is right, ladies; guys do not get subtle hints. Or even blatant hints. We actually have to say what we mean if we want them to have a clue what we're thinking.

It is the natural and right thing for the guy to spend more time with his girlfriend than his friends, because the guy and the girl have to spend enough time to know each other better.

What your boyfriend's friends need to realise is that if they are true friends, they need to accept as a fact that they may not hang out as much anymore. True friends seek the good of each other, not the self.

The fact that they don't get this, or worse, get it but decide to not abide by this principle, shows that they are selfish.

My suggestion is to see if you can talk to your boyfriend about this apparent problem. By addressing the problem and not directly criticising his friends, I think you can convince him that you are not controlling him in any way, but rather seek what's best for him. I think on your boyfriend's part he has to do some thinking as well, and that's not something you can do for him. But I know if you take it to prayer before God He will listen as well. Will be praying about it as well.

Sounds to me like you did the right thing. His friends are going to think what they will despite whatever someone tells them.

Just as an idea, you might try doing something where a group of you go hang out. I'm a single guy and I'm always getting together with my friends, their girlfriends, etc. and we just go hang out and play ping-pong and such. No reason you can't all have a good time. Just a thought.

[quote="EireWolf"]It sounds to me like your bf's buddy is jealous of the time he spends with you. This happens a lot, especially when the other guy doesn't have a steady girlfriend. If your bf used to spend a lot of time with the guys, and now that he's dating you he doesn't, it might make them think that you're monopolizing all his time. It really sounds like that is his choice though, as you encourage him to spend time with the guys. However, if you pout when he says he's going to hang with the guys, that would be sending another message entirely. (I'm not at all saying you do this]

So, this is basically exactly what I was going to say. Your boyfriend's friends sound like a bunch of losers who can't get girlfriends, and thus don't understand the level of commitment involved in a relationship. They also sounds pretty demeaning to you, asking if you would mind if your boyfriend took you home and went out with them (duh! Of course you'd mind!) Just make sure that you don't let the way that they treat you become and obstacle between you and your boyfriend, because that could be what they are intending in the first place.

Thank you all for your advice, esp scribs. I get so frustrated with Steve because he just doesn't seem to get it. I told him a minute ago that it isn't only that his friends are disrespecting me...but that they are also disrespecting him and I don't think he sees it. He says he does...but, then, why doesn't he do something about it...

last night he told me he was sorry, that he never should have gone to the party, that he was a fool, that he would defend me better, that he would even take a bullet for me...because he loves me and doesn't want to lose me...

You did nothing wrong those guys are just straight out jerks guys like that do need to be talked to about that and thats what you did they are just frustrated because he loves you and wants to be with you more than them and they are jealous

If you love him, be patient, and be there for him. This is sounds rough. I'm glad he has a patient and understanding lady he can lean on, because his friends sure aren't the kind one could depend on.
Be patient if it takes him a while to sort this out. Even though you aren't forcing him to choose, this is exactly what his friends ARE trying to do. And feeling like one is going to be left alone is a frightening thing. The good news is, it sounds like he does have his head bolted on correctly. The bad news is, he is still standing in the line of fire.
If his friends don't straighten up, I hope he finds better ones. But what I really hope is going to happen is, his friends grow up a bit. It's been known to happen.