CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

The other day I was reading Boundless.org again and discovered a new article.

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001200.cfm

Now maybe I'm just taking it to an extreme, but it seems like the article is saying that a guy and a girl can't be "just friends" (I also get that impression from some of their other articles/columns)

So what do you all think about this? Is it a good/bad article? Am I just too paranoid ? Discuss! Personally I think it's strange to say it's impossible and/or wrong for a guy and girl to have a close platonic friendship.

Edit: um...O_O. I just realized that the girl who wrote that article lives in Colorado Springs. I wonder if she goes to my college. I could have met this person.

I think it's ridiculous. I have some friends that are girls and some that are guys. I don't have romantic feeling for the girls, they are just really good friends. Not everything has to be about romance. Platonic relationships should still be possible these days. Instead they are viewed as weird or wrong.

I think we look at it the wrong way because thats what we've been shown in movies (James Bond anyone?) and television, that a man and a woman cannot exist together without romantic involment.

Sometimes it may seem like this but let me point this out. MOST of my really good friends are guys. NONE of them are a love interest for me. Maybe in the past I've had silly crushes on them but I got over them. Sometimes people just think that a person of the opposite sex is mainly for relationships and thats it.

Most girls at my school think that. They keep a boyfriend for 2 weeks and drop him like nothing ever happened. Stinky people haha.

Actually i've got the answer to that.

a guy and a girl can be just friend but what was meant by the comment is this. in most cases there is a one sided love developed and it's very very hard to maintain a just friends type relationship if that occurs. (meaning if the guy and girl are single this applies more often) I have guy friends who are just friends but they're married now. i've also had the guyfriends who either i fell in love with or the opposite... those guys are no longer friends of mine because it was too hard to maintain. but that's not the same for everyone.

>.> I thought there was already a thread that already discussed this ^-^;; or maybe its just my imagination..O.o my imagination goes kinda crazy somethimes..

wow, another one of those annoying articles on how men and women can't pull off a 'just friends'. I unerstand the concept behind that - as edendreams said- there's a decent chance for emotional entanglement. However, even that wont kill a friendship if it's a good one...sometimes it makes the friendship stronger! (seen this happen)

Honestly though, I dont understand this general trend among Christians to warn against guy/girl friendships as though they were a sin. I'm glad you guys are disagreeing with that as well, because at other times i've found myself in the minority. o.O

OF COURSE guys and girls can be friends without romantic problems....even best friends(although I agree that with closeness comes greater challenge to keep things platonic). *shrug* anyways...it's sad that everyone sees romance in innocent things.

I personally believe that there is nothing wrong with occassionally being reminded by one's hormones that a friend of the opposite sex is in fact of the opposite sex. Especially if that person is attractive. We were built that way, and should bear it in mind.

It doesn't make a platonic friendship impossible, if one finds oneself having to deal with such feelings, for whatever reason. (The most common once for Adults would be that they are already committed to another. For teenagers, there is a whole host of complex reasons one might need to.)

The answer is not to cut half the human race off. Jesus clearly didn't do this: he is shown several times having female friends, such as Martha and the Marys. The answer is to be humans, and not animals. We don't punch out everyone who ticks us off, so we don't need to chase after, or even lust after, everyone whom we feel attracted to, either. The answer is to let the feeling go. Recognize that it is just a natural reaction to their appearance, and then leave it behind.

In fact, I think the fact that I realized this early, and ended up with many female friends before marriage (meaning friends, not girlfriends) has since helped me in my own marriage. I have not only remained monogamous and loyal, I have also been able to fully trust my wife. It isn't like no other woman has ever caught my eye since marriage, it is just that I have recognized them as attractive, and left it there. In other words, I already had practice at not straying, at dealing with the feeling and letting it go. And since I knew I didn't have to respond to every trigger, I haven't imagined my wife doing so, either. After nineteen years, we continue to trust each other, and I still can't imagine that changing.

Because of this, I truly believe that our mistaken belief in this society, that every relationship between members of opposite sexes has a sexual undertone, is the root cause of the high number of family troubles we see. People literally are brought up to believe they are helpless, when faced with temptation.

I think that this article is not in fact saying that men and women can't have platonic relationships, I think it's saying that when they do they should be careful just how far they go with it. Me, for instance. When I start looking for my husband, I've already decided that I want it to be a person who I'm just really good friends with first, and then to hope it will develope from there. So, if I become friends with a guy who is a Christian, and he calls and e-mails me more and more and asks me to do things one on one with him more, it would give the impression that he's trying to boost the relationship up a notch, leaving me to wonder exactly what notch he's aiming for. I think this article is just pointing out that there is potential for one or the other to misread the relationship if they are both not careful from the beginning to make their intentions clear. But, that's just my two yen.

There were a number of issues I had with that article; I won't address them all here, because I would end up quoting most of the article.

Overall, I disagree with the main thesis and the tone of the article. I do not believe that women and men have to "spend less than two hours a week" with each other unless they're romantically involved. That two hours could be easily consumed in one trip to the mall (which usually takes longer than that), one stop for coffee, or yelling "hi" to each other between classes.

I do agree that in any relationship - including friendship - communication is important. Both parties should always know what the other is thinking about them. Even among just girls or just guys, a lack of communication can lead to that feeling of "backstabbing", "talking behind their back" or other feelings of betrayal.

I also agree that neither men nor women should expect that the opposite sex communicates the same way. On average, the typical man does not always follow non-verbal cues, changes in eye or facial expression or slight shifts in behavior patterns as being a way of communicating something. On average, the typical woman does not blurt something out bluntly or expect someone to speak up about every change in thoughts they have.

However, that does not mean that friendships - including what this article calls "intimate friendships", meaning that the two spend several hours a week with each other - are impossible or should be avoided. As EricTheFred pointed out, it just boils down to recognizing that even if you are attracted to someone, there doesn't have to be a romantic relationship involved. I think a lot of my husband's friends are good looking, funny and would make good husbands - and in fact they are and do, because most of them are married. Does that mean I expect to be romantically involved? No - it just means that I acknowledge that they are great people and good looking.

As far as "too much" interaction goes - phooey on that as well. My husband and I recently took a ski trip for an entire weekend with nine other people - his friends and their wives, and some of his friends' friends, and all 11 of use cohabitated very well in a cabin that only slept eight and only had three bedrooms. When friendship is understood to be friendship, it becomes a huge family - sharing the chores, cooking, eating, living and sleeping in the same rooms and the same house just as a family would. Yes, "family" could be interpreted as husband and wife, but if you choose to interpret it as "siblings" instead, then you have an entirely different group dynamic. (Which in our case was proven true several years ago, when the guys in our group decided to re-enact "Wrestlemania" in the center of the livingroom, using the couch as the turnbuckle and top ropes. Siblings are siblings, and like siblings tend to do stupid things from time to time.)

I find it funny that she targeted a certain type of guy for the article interview, the kind of guy who would have a bunch of back slapping guy friends around encouraging him to be what seems, frankly, sorta insensitive. I don't know about other guys, but I don't have that type of cadre hanging around me usually, and yes, most of my friends are girls that I have no romantic relationship with. I tend to qualify female friends in two different ways, sibling friends, and possibly romantic friends and I think most people can tell the difference (I'm usually the person that gets informed that theres no interest in that type of thing, not the other way around).

It's entirely possible I'm just wierd though, and this article is describing the standard male.

I have my share of female friends, but I would have to say most of them I have never had any sort of romantic interest in. If the did/do have some sort of crush on me, I would not even have a clue. Of course, it is possible for relationships like the article mentioned to occur, but that type of scenario is not canon and will not always occur.

Naturally, there will be points in your like where you find yourself crushing on friends of the opposite sex, it happens, it's just the way we were built. And maybe it just might end up turning into something real. These such relationships are not bad in themselves and shouldn't neccesarily attempt to be avoided. There should be care and logic in this type of situation, but it is highly rediculous to distance yourself from someone without good reason just because you find yourself having a crush on them when you never know that that person could possibly turn out to be your soulmate.

Arizona the Gunslinger wrote:it is highly rediculous to distance yourself from someone without good reason just because you find yourself having a crush on them when you never know that that person could possibly turn out to be your soulmate.

Ha ha, I agree. It's rather absurd, and if you find yourself doing that often, it seems reasonable to guess that the fault probably lies with you for having expectations that are just waaaaaay too high.

i think that the idea is absrd as well.. i have had many, many, friends - even good friends - who were the opposite gender, for whom i have had no romantic interest.

However, i also have a mindset of getting to know someone well before i date (instead of just going from one relatinship to another) so i usually distance my emotional feelings from a relationship until i know someone well.

Spirit_Wolf8356 wrote: I have more guy friends than I do girl friends... I tend to not get along with other girls very well...

I know where you're coming from as I have more girl friends than guy friends.I don't know maybe 'cause I have two older sisters that I have always gotten on better with girls than other guys.Fact is I have always have had female friends since I was in kindergarten.My two best friends when I was little were both girls.

Girl meets boy. Girl makes friends and hangs out with boy on a regular basis. Girl sees him as nothing but a friend. Girl mentions boy to parents in a positive light, and parents instantly jump to the conclusion that the two are in love.

I'm all too familiar with this sort of thing. Being a huge tomboy, I'm close friends with lots of guys. That doesn't mean that there's anything there besides companionship. Dating one of my guy friends would be like dating my brother. Just too weird.

I personally have more friends who are girls than I do that are guys. I tend to get along better with them. How many of them have I been on boyfriend/girlfriend status with? Three of them. Except for maybe one or two, all the others have been mutual friends. I'll spend hours on the phone talking to them about whatever because I enjoy it, not because I'm attracted to them or they're attracted to me. One of these friends lives about an hour drive away, and I'll drive out there just so she and I can hang out because we're friends.

So a guy and a girl can be "just friends," some people get involved too easily and have a hard time maintaining just friends.

I've actually had problems with this. Whenever I'd have a friendship with a certain girl or another, I would start to grow feelings for them. Then again they do eventually die... I don't have many female friends in real life because... I dunno I just get all "O.o" because they emanate a girly aura, and I have yet to grow an immunization or a defense to such aura. Which basically means I tend to lose my train of thought and/or studder sometimes.

Bottom line: I disagree with many parts of that article

Yumie wrote:I think that this article is not in fact saying that men and women can't have platonic relationships, I think it's saying that when they do they should be careful just how far they go with it. Me, for instance. When I start looking for my husband, I've already decided that I want it to be a person who I'm just really good friends with first, and then to hope it will develope from there. So, if I become friends with a guy who is a Christian, and he calls and e-mails me more and more and asks me to do things one on one with him more, it would give the impression that he's trying to boost the relationship up a notch, leaving me to wonder exactly what notch he's aiming for. I think this article is just pointing out that there is potential for one or the other to misread the relationship if they are both not careful from the beginning to make their intentions clear. But, that's just my two yen.

I agree with this statement. From what I read of the article, I didn't see anything that indicated that the author didn't believe that men and women can't be 'just friends'. I think it seemed more like an article of how to go about a relationship. Sounds kind of like what I've read in Elisabeth Eliot's Passion & Purity "If he's not pursuing you and answering you 20000000 phone calls and messages, he's probably not interested." By the way, I would highly recommend that book....because it's awesome, and Elisabeth Eliot is awesome.

Going off my own opinions....one of my best friends is a guy, and I do not like him and he does not like me. We make that very clear. That's just an example, but obviously judging by the above statement....I think being just friends is absolutely possible.

Mr. SmartyPants wrote:I've actually had problems with this. Whenever I'd have a friendship with a certain girl or another, I would start to grow feelings for them. Then again they do eventually die... I don't have many female friends in real life because... I dunno I just get all "O.o" because they emanate a girly aura, and I have yet to grow an immunization or a defense to such aura. Which basically means I tend to lose my train of thought and/or studder sometimes.

Bottom line: I disagree with many parts of that article

We have a....girly.....aura?

PigtailsJazz wrote:We have a....girly.....aura?

Yes! the girly aura captivates me and I go "oh noes! its a girly aura!" Then I'm immobalized and then unable to make any sense (with some people I suppose)

Mr. SmartyPants wrote:Yes! the girly aura captivates me and I go "oh noes! its a girly aura!" Then I'm immobalized and then unable to make any sense (with some people I suppose)

I know what you mean. But luckily I have a 'girly aura'-proof firewall on my internet connection, so I'm safe (for the moment).

:O That makes me sad. I have awesome guy friends. So far, guys are more fun to talk with than girls on average, imo.

Mr. SmartyPants wrote:Yes! the girly aura captivates me and I go "oh noes! its a girly aura!" Then I'm immobalized and then unable to make any sense (with some people I suppose)

Aaaww, poor Ryan-kun, immobilized by the girly aura. . .

And yes, pigtailz, Elizabeth Elliot is indeed awesome. One time I went and heard her speak in person, it was so cool! I've never read any of her books, but my mom has read some of them multiple times. So yeah, I bet a relationship book by her would be pretty rockin'.

One thing that annoyed me about the article was it seemed to be saying that a girl can't make a move in a relationship. They seem to assume that if the girl develops romantic feelings shes going to hide them until the guy makes the first move, but IRL that's not allways the case.

In one of the e-mail columns a guy send in an e-mail where he said his wife wanted him to stop being friends with a girl he'd known before he was married, and the columnist guy said he should listen to his wife and stop seeing his friend. What would you say? Do you think getting married means you have to stop seeing your opposite gender friends?

I think it would be easier if they went out as a couple with the girl he had been friends with before. That's how I try to deal with my married or dating friends and not be exclusionary. However, EireWolf won't come to vintage computer geekfests, which is her loss.

[quote="shooraijin"]I think it would be easier if they went out as a couple with the girl he had been friends with before. That's how I try to deal with my married or dating friends and not be exclusionary. However, EireWolf won't come to vintage computer geekfests, which is her loss. ]

She doesn't have to. She married one.

Arizona the Gunslinger wrote:She doesn't have to. She married one.

Rock on!

I'm confused about this whole "girly aura" business. Until Mr. SmartyPants mentioned it, I was unaware that such a thing existed. Now I find myself asking the inevitable questions: Do I have a "girly aura"? Is this possible for a person with the worst possible case of Tomboy Syndrome that ever existed? Oh no! What if my lacking of this aura condemns me to a life of loneliness?!?! I'm doomed!