rhfr wrote:> >Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny.reruns
> >From:
ms0p+@andrew.cmu.edu (Michael Gordon Shapiro)
> >Subject: I Love Lemon... Not
> >Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2000 19:20:00 PST
>
> Here's the transcript of my recent communication to Bigelow, inspired
> by a sampling of their atrocious "I Love Lemon Herb Tea".
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Dear Sirs,
>
> I am writing to complain about the performance of one of your products,
> to wit: Bigelow I Love Lemon Herb Tea. Having recently sampled said
> item in a culinary context, I am convinced that it is the most
> unappealing, tasteless, and unprofessional tea I have ever encountered.
>
> Each teabag is enveloped in a package that reads "A year-round
> valentine for everyone who really loves lemon." Well, I happen to be
> an ardent enthusiast for that particular flavor, and I can assure you
> that this alleged tea tastes less like lemon than most electric home
> appliances. The only way this substance could be considered a
> "year-round valentine" is by taking the meaning of "valentine" as "a
> heart," which, if left out in the open for a year, would be encrusted
> with congealed blood and covered with small, creeping insects.
>
> This tea breaks all previously-conceived boundaries of the concept
> bland. It invokes in the drinker a level of excitement usually
> associated with shoelace collections or counting one's own armpit
> hairs. I notice that the tea is classified as as "Herb Tea" rather
> than an "Herbal Tea," and that Herb has traditionally been a name
> denoting banal, tedious people. Another tumbler of the Bigelow
> corporate lock falls into place.
>
> The outer wrapper of the teabag - whose taste may be compared favorably
> to that of the tea itself - is colored yellow. One may conjecture that
> this represents some twisted attempt to conjure associations with other
> objects that R.C. Bigelow, Inc. regards as the paradigm of tastiness,
> such as fire hydrants, old math textbooks, and yield signs. A quick
> glance at the packages of some of your other herbal tea products
> confirms our suspicions. One tea package depicts a small cat,
> playfully clawing a ball or mouse or small child, while your
> propagandistic legend assures us the paragon of beverages is contained
> within. What sort of baldfaced nonsequitor is this? The only thing a
> cat and tea have in common is that one dislikes being immersed in the
> other. Clearly, your marketing skills are equivalent to your prowess
> at teamaking, which is probably on level with the cat's.
>
> In short, I find I Love Lemon Herb Tea a thoroughly detestable product,
> and recommend changing its name to I Used To Love Lemon Until I Drank
> This Herb Tea. In view of its exceeding worthlessness as a viable
> drink, it is difficult not to inductively extend this condemnation to
> include the entire product line of R.C. Bigelow, Inc. However, if I
> were sent a free sample of each of your other tea products, I might be
> able to constrain my loathing to this particular specimen, and not
> gallop through the streets of Pittsburgh howling obscenities about your
> company and your activities, which, as you know, it exceedingly
> deleterious to healthy public relations.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Michael Shapiro
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
>
> They responded promptly, within a week:
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Dear Mr. Shapiro:
>
> I must say your letter was one of the more descriptive letters we have
> received. It is always unfortunate when ever we have a dissatisfied
> consumer and normally we will send them free coupons in order to try
> and better satisfy their needs with many of our other products.
> However, in your case I feel you have reached a point of no return. My
> only recommendation to you is try Celestial Seasonings