CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

This is something I've been thinking about lately, and it's also something I've been discussing at length with a few of people after these past two or three months.

Can a guy and a girl ever really always be friends without one or the other becoming romantically interested in the other at some point? In other words, can they always be friends forever without one of them wanting more?

I was thinking about this because I was talking with a fellow male CAA member the other day about how in some friendships, you have to establish boundaries, and our conversation triggered the thought that my entire life, most of my friends have been guys, and in my personal experience...it generally gets wonky at some point, because they either wind up liking me, or I wind up liking them. The few female friends I DO have seem to experience the same problems, so when they got married, they wound up letting those male friends go out of loyalty to their husband (which leads to a lonely life). I guess this bothers me most of all because I know that when I get married, or when my single male friends get married, we'll probably cut a few ties because it's not always appropriate for a married man or married woman to hang out with a single man or single woman. I just know I'm going to lose a lot of friends when the time comes, if it comes.

Anyway, I wanted to know the opinions of my fellow Christians here at CAA, and see what your experiences are.

I put no, b

Well, I know that I have friends who are female whom I have never thought about romantically, so I will post Yes.

[quote="pilo

hmm. i said 'yes' because i think it depends on the people. I have both male and female friends, and it can be hard to genralise these things, because people can be very different.

i think there are some people who are my friends that at some point i have been attracted too, or may have been attracted to me, but i also have friends that i am sure this isn't the case with, there are some people i can easily be friends with but wouldn't really consider for a potential wife because wre too different ,personality-wise interest-wise etc.

conversely there is also times that the nature of friendships change because of relationships, like say two of your friends get marrie or start dating each other or something, then hopw you conduct the friendship may indeed change.

I totally understand your concerns, dragonshimmer. I, too, make friends more easily with guys than with girls. When I got married, I did feel the need to drop contact with a few of those guy friends. Not all of them, though. Those who never expressed a romantic interest in me or vice versa, I considered "safe" to keep. It's easier when the friend is married, too -- then you (hopefully) don't have to worry about this issue. But in any case, it's probably a bad idea to hang out alone with a friend of the opposite sex when you're married, and/or when he's married. Even if nothing happens, it can raise jealousy problems or suspicions with the spouse.

After being married for a while, I did feel the need for a close female friend. I prayed, God eventually answered, and now I have a very good female friend. She and her husband hang out with me and my husband all the time.

Anyway, it is rare to find an opposite-sex friendship that never goes "wonky" -- but it is possible.

Volt wrote:Like my budy Karlos, He's married, so while he is freinds with a few women, he would never go over to their houses alone without his wife. it's just disrespectful. The rules change a bit. After 19-20 and as early as 15-18 people start thinking funny when they're around buddies of a different gender. All of a sudden priorities change and ... stuff happens

Yes, I believe it is moreso a matter of age as well. Seems like in the college setting, this scenario is a bit more common.

Volt wrote:Guys
#1) Is she a female?
if Yes, then Hormones turn on.
Potential Mate found.

Girls
#1) Is he a male?
if Yes, then Hormones turn on.
Potential Mate found.

If that is supposed to be the condensed version, then yes, perhaps you're correct, although maybe the list is a BIT longer than that:

*jokingly edits Volt's criteria for male gender*

Guys
#1. Is she a female?
#2. Does she actually acknowledge your existence?
#3. Does she only SOMETIMES flee in terror away from you?
If Yes, potential mate found.

I voted YES from expierence.A lot of my best friends are female,such as
krystal*klear at this forum and at the Cafe forum and sao_sakura here.
Just to name a couple.
As far as it getting into turning into love..well sometimes that does happen,
but only after a couple has really gotten to know each other really well.

I put may/not sure. It really depends.
For most of it, I agree w/ volt. It's hard to acutally have a friend of the opposite sex and never feel an attraction for one another. I really want to say it's possible to only be friends, and in some cases it's possible. But for the majority of the time, it's not likely. I think many people like to be idealistic and say, "yes, it's total possible." But how do you know one of your friends really doesn't have an attraction? It's not like everyone comes out and admits it due to rejection or not wanting to lose the friendship.

ALso, me or none of my friends have had girls that were just friends w/ no crush or potential there. Even if it's not there at first, it can easily come. So I think for most it's not likely, for some it is. But I don't hold my breath.

Yeah I have to agree with Volt for the most part. I feel at some point in any male/female friendship relationship you will start to have some kind of romantic feelings. I'm not saying it'll amount to anything heck you might just have one passing thought but at one point or another it's going to happen. With every female friend I've had there has always been a point where this happened to me even if it was only a single thought.

I voted YES from expierence.A lot of my best friends are female,such as
krystal*klear at this forum and at the Cafe forum and sao_sakura here.
Just to name a couple.

IT's easier not to have a crush with a girl that's a friend online because you never really see them, or really interact w/ them in real life situations. Sure they can both talk about life, the goods the bad etc... But being online is more subjective then objective. When people type online they can take their time and make the words come out just perfect, where in real life, you can really see the true personality of the person. Plus in reality, face to face, more emotions are envolved then you would get when typing.. You can see them smile, laugh, cry etc... Online, you can't really see or expereince that; it's more impersonal in a sense.

EireWolf wrote:After being married for a while, I did feel the need for a close female friend. I prayed, God eventually answered, and now I have a very good female friend. She and her husband hang out with me and my husband all the time.

Thanks, EireWolf. It comforts me to see that someone understands, has been there, but has been blessed by God to get through it. I understand the need to have close Christian female friends as of late, and it's something I've been praying for. Thanks for your input...it puts me a little more at ease.

Seems like the members around their 20's seem to have a different perspective than the people still in school or just out of school. Interesting.

*EDIT*

agasfas wrote:IT's easier not to have a crush with a girl that's a friend online because you never really see them, or really interact w/ them in real life situations. Sure they can both talk about life, the goods the bad etc... But being online is more subjective then objective. When people type online they can take their time and make the words come out just perfect, where in real life, you can really see the true personality of the person.

I agree. Although, it CAN occasionally happen....

I agree. Although, it CAN occasionally happen....

Oh I agree, it happens. But it's much easier to fall for a girl that you know in real life, then a friend online. But in general, it's far easier to be just a friend of a girl you know online because of those obvious boundries. Though occasionally, you do meet people online and y'all make that special connection- it happens.

I mean

Volt wrote:You've never, for a split second, seen a mental picture of you two together?
This is possible, some people just are NOT attracted to each other, it's an automatic NOOOOOooOOO. But I'm sure if you spend more time together, things will change.

Hmm....let me think, I've had male friends whom I never was attracted to in the beginning and never got more attracted after getting to know them better. They're just friends to me, period. Now whether they are attracted to me, I am not sure and don't want to know either.

Mave wrote:Hmm....let me think, I've had male friends whom I never was attracted to in the beginning and never got more attracted after getting to know them better. They're just friends to me, period. Now whether they are attracted to me, I am not sure and don't want to know either.

I feel the same way. I have male friends I've never considered in that way. I think they're beautiful and I love them, but never pictured them as anything other than a friend.

However...more than likely, one or two of them may have seen YOU in that way And, like you, that's something that I generally don't want to know about my male friends, unless it's hindering the friendship or causing problems.

I think it's extremely difficult. My closest friends have always been guys, too.

Out of loyalty to whoever I date/marry, I try to cut back on the closeness I allow myself with any other males. Physical closeness isn't really an issue 'cause I don't live near anyone I consider a friend right now.

But emotionally, I am not as open with them or as "nosy" about their personal lives. It's not that I don't care. I just don't want to allow myself to be attracted to other guys as much as is possible, and I know that emotional closeness is definitely where my "weakness" in that is.

I don't want to be disloyal or hurt the guy I'm with. I want him to be my closest friend. And I hope it's not selfish or wrong, but I want to be the closest to him too.


Even though it is difficult, I still think it can occasionally work. Also, with friends who are significantly younger or older than me, it's never been a problem.

It's different for each person.

I've had female friends before.. and I've had absolutely no romantic interest in them whatsoever. I can't remember anyone that I've ever been romantically interested in. It all depends on the individual. It's fine for some, and really tough for others. We know which one that I fall in.

I would have to say yes, becuase 50% of my femaile friends, or should I say our friendship gets a little wonky. But being friends with them let,s them see my personality and makes them distance themselves romantically away. It's kind of a defensive reaction for me, to make them think I'm insane so they would not be inteested in my and I could still have their friendship. Then again, there is always this kind of gal who sees through my deception and tries to be more then a friend.

I voted yes. I have several female friends whom I desire no romantic intrest with but they are like my best friends. There has never been a romantic intrest and I doubt, unless it's God's will, there will never be romantic intrests.

Plus they are like blood sisters to me so it would be REALLY wierd.

I voted yes. I agree completely with what Impact said - it's different for different people. For someone like me, I think my hormones are lazy or nonexistant and I base my relationships and friendships with people off of my emotions and thoughts on them. For other people, it's the opposite situation.

I voted yes, but I think my answer would depend on a few different things, namely what your definition of "romantic interest" is. Like if it's some bizzare short-lived hormonal moment where you think, "Hmmm, this person is of the opposite gender, in other words, potential dating-material," then it'll probably occur at some point during the relationship. But I don't really think of that as real romantic interest. Generally, that's just your hormones speaking, not your head or you heart. I think that true romantic interest has some degree of a more voluntary action to pursue the person. . . so anyways, I've pretty much just rambled my way through the last paragraph, so I hope it at least makes sense to somebody. (Anybody.)

Is it possible:

Hypothetically-- yes.

Practically-- (almost always) no.

I'm not going to say there are no expections to this rule, but I don't really think there can be many friendships between single people of the opposite sex in which one of them doesn't say "You know, I'm not really sure I want to be single forever, and [what'sher/hisface] would probably make a good mate. Perhaps I should give that a little more thought. . ." Also, I think, the older a person is the more likely it is that he/she will desire a close friendship to be more than a friendship.

My initial, unserious, response was: I certainly hope so.

But in all honesty, I think the answer to this question is a definite yes. Different people are different, but the question related to anyone and hence even one exception excludes a "no" answer (assuming we think logically, which doesn't generally happen). Speaking in general terms, however, I agree that different people operate differently and their experiences in this regard will vary. But thinking of everyone I know, I feel that the majority of my acquaintances' opposite-gender friendships are platonic.

As for myself, the answer is an unequivocal yes. I feel like I've stated my feelings on marriage too much lately, so I won't bother to again. But there isn't anyone I feel any romantic interest for, so it wasn't a difficult question for me.

Volt wrote:You've never, for a split second, seen a mental picture of you two together?

Even if it were so, what would that prove? My mind works on many different levels at (what I think is) a fairly high rate. Thoughts such as suicide, mass murdering and sorcerery (non-realistic, but that's irrelevant) occur to me on a regular basis. There isn't the slightest chance I'd do any of them, so do they truly matter?

I voted "yes" cuz' 70% of my friends are guys and I've never thought of taking any of my relationships with them into a romantic boyfriend girlfriend dating type. . . thing. . . but I'm not gonna' say anything else cuz' I'm only 13 *nod* but I do, however, agree with UC, I have had those thoughts of "what would it be like if we grew up and got married, blah blah blah" but it doesn't prove anything, I pretty much only think about that on an axtremely random EXTREMELY bored level, and I pretty much toss the thought out the window the next second.

Im living proof of this.

Wow, a LOT more people posted yes than I previously had thought.

The input is very interesting as well...no specific pattern, really.

Yes, definitely. My best friends are guys and we don't even think of romance. Sure some guy friends I start liking and vice-versa but not usually. Like right now my best friend is a guy I call Sora and though we're both extremely close, we both wouldn't even consider being romantically invovolved with each other. Alot of my other girl friends are the same way. They have various guy friends who are extremely close to them but just as friends. It's definitely definitely possible!
<3 Angel

I think initially at meeting the person or getting to know them...thier may be some romantic feelings. I mentioned the girls before whom I consider sisters. However...after becoming friends with them. I did begin to develope romantic feelings towards them to a lesser degree.

I think you can pull it off. yeah, sometimes things may go through your head, but you don't have to act on every little thing that pops up in front of your mind's eye.