Still not feeling accepted around others...

[K. Ayato]

I would also stress the importance of expressing your thoughts completely the first time and not have people try to dig it out of you in the future. It's very frustrating here on the boards when you post one thing, and then later admit you meant it to be another. Get it right the first time.

[Yuki-Anne]

Yeah, how will a girl figure out that she likes an introvert if he's never really saying anything?

How can I explain this?

Be who you are and don't worry about it. Acknowledge that some people will like you, some people won't, and whether people like you is something you can't control and shouldn't try to.

Personality, bro. Some girls like the mystery of guys who don't talk much. Back in college I had a huge crush on a guy who had literally never said two words to me. I took a chance and started talking to him, and even though it was a little challenging, and nothing came of it romantically, we had a decent friendship. And in the end I got to appreciate him for who he was regardless of his interest in me.

That's important: REGARDLESS OF HIS INTEREST IN ME. APPRECIATED. WHO HE WAS.

Appreciate who girls are regardless of romantic potential and you'll have more rewarding friendships.

Also, and don't take this the wrong way, I have literally no idea what you look like: it never hurts to work out and try to put forth a decent appearance. If you're already doing that, great. If you're not, start. It's an unpleasant truth, but it will make a huge difference in the way people treat you if you look nice.

Also, just a question... do you like anything other than video games? Is there a possibility of you liking anything other than video games?

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Oh yeah. Appearances. Totally. What do you look like? Maybe we can give you cosmetic or fashion advice!

[K. Ayato]

Also, make eye contact when you're talking to people. I understand that with some cultures, keeping your eyes down when you're talking to someone is a sign of respect, but here in America, maintaining eye contact when talking to someone indicates confidence and maturity.

Not only that, it also tells the person you care about what they have to say. Ever seen in movies or TV when one character is trying to say something, and the other person is looking the other way or is engaged in a text conversation, and how angry the speaker gets? That's because lack of maintaining eye contact 9 times out of 10 for the person trying to speak says "You and what you have to say are not as important to me as what I'm focusing on right now".

So whether you're the speaker or the listener, keep your head up and maintain eye contact. Even if your confidence level is a negative 25 and your maturity level is that of a 5-year-old, at least your audience will get the idea you're a caring person if you can look them in the eye for longer than 5 seconds.

[Yamamaya]

Here we go again...

I have dealt with someone who reminds me a lot like you dot. He's very clingy and very unsure of himself.

This is your problem.

Being clingy just drives people away. It doesn't help at all. Neither does trying to build a close relationship in a short amount of time. Building relationships take time, and if people get the impression you are trying to force things, and trying to make them your best buddy, girlfriend, etc. they will not want to be around you. Trying to force hugs can also be very unsettling. I have had people do that to me before, before I have reached that level of comfort zone with them. It was not fun. Of course this can vary based on the culture. Many Asian cultures view a hug as very intimate whereas Latin cultures are very affectionate, thus hugs between everyone is considered best.

Also, you really can't love others until you start loving yourself. Focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses. We put our best foot forward when we have a moderately good opinion of ourselves in the first place. Note: this isn't the same as arrogance. The Bible encourages us to be humble but also to have a moderate estimation of our own abilities. It doesn't encourage us to be our own Debbie Downers.

[dothackzero]

Also, just a question... do you like anything other than video games? Is there a possibility of you liking anything other than video games?

Yeah, I've been open to lot of new things lately. I mean my cousin just got me into Magic. Really even though I tend to resist doing something new, I usually end up enjoying it.

Oh yeah. Appearances. Totally. What do you look like? Maybe we can give you cosmetic or fashion advice!

Nothing special, average build, 5'7"ish, hazel eyes, long wavy/curly hair, about 129 pounds. I usually go around unshaved, or unclean shaven, some pimples. Though those 2 areas are starting to change since I starting to get out with my friends alot more often, so I'm taking better care of the pimples, and shaving more. Though I still can't get a good clean shaved look. For the clothes nothing really special I usually wear shirts like this...

Also, make eye contact when you're talking to people. I understand that with some cultures, keeping your eyes down when you're talking to someone is a sign of respect, but here in America, maintaining eye contact when talking to someone indicates confidence and maturity.

Not only that, it also tells the person you care about what they have to say. Ever seen in movies or TV when one character is trying to say something, and the other person is looking the other way or is engaged in a text conversation, and how angry the speaker gets? That's because lack of maintaining eye contact 9 times out of 10 for the person trying to speak says "You and what you have to say are not as important to me as what I'm focusing on right now".

So whether you're the speaker or the listener, keep your head up and maintain eye contact. Even if your confidence level is a negative 25 and your maturity level is that of a 5-year-old, at least your audience will get the idea you're a caring person if you can look them in the eye for longer than 5 seconds.

I'm not even sure if I'm doing eye to eye contact or eye to breast(Just being honest). But I think I tend to do more eye to eye contact. Well, this girl I've been hangout with anyway(since she's the only girl I get to hang out with right now.) But yeah, I think I look more at her eyes, and she does have pretty eyes.

[K. Ayato]

I didn't say look people in the eye, especially when the person is female, just so you know their eye color, pal. And don't act like you don't know the difference between eye and chest level, because I know you do. You're just too lazy.

[dothackzero]

I do know the diffrenrence, but that doesn't mean I'm always actively thinking about where I'm looking.

[Yuki-Anne]

I'm not even sure if I'm doing eye to eye contact or eye to breast(Just being honest). But I think I tend to do more eye to eye contact. Well, this girl I've been hangout with anyway(since she's the only girl I get to hang out with right now.) But yeah, I think I look more at her eyes, and she does have pretty eyes.

Dude, don't let your eyes wander down. Girls notice that stuff and it's usually not a good thing.

[K. Ayato]

Do you normally look down when you're around people? In that case, reverse the situation. DUH!

[dothackzero]

I do change where I'm looking when I notice I'm staring at a girl's breasts.

[K. Ayato]

You're gonna have to learn to catch yourself long before you realize your gaze is on the boobs.

[agasfas]

This post is confusing. Are you just expressing your thoughts about your difficulties with women or looking for advice? If it's the later, then much like everyone else has stated don't try too hard. When people try to get noticed it comes of as desperate.

If you mission is to hang out with friends then you are already there. However there is no use in searching for love. Love is not something we go out and find, it just happens unexpectedly. Trust in the Lord and if He sees a girl in your future then He will make it happen.

[dothackzero]

I was actually doing both.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

When you're noticing girls features that are probably not best to be caught at looking, peripheral vision would probably be your best friend here. Or quick glances when they're not noticing you.

I'm kind of kidding here but also not. I mean you're going to be checking girls out all the time. It's just like a thing men do. Girls do it all the time too. They're just much more discreet about it. So discretion is always a good thing.

You should show us a photo of yourself or something if you're comfortable with that.

[dothackzero]

You should show us a photo of yourself or something if you're comfortable with that.

Not really, that's why I just described somewhat what I look like.

[tronethiel7]

Though I think that there has been some good advice in this thread, I do feel as if the importance of God ultimately has been somewhat overlooked. Most of these issues are not ultimately ones of practicality and I feel like that is where the focus is being given. But as a Christian, at least if you believe you are, you are not doing things because of their consequences, negative or positive. You do all you do for the sake of the good your are compelled to do by the Holy Spirit. You do not need self confidence, you need confidence in the God you serve. You don't need to improve your self, you need to allow him to sanctify you. You don't need to stop staring at girl's breasts expressly because it's impolite and they don't like it, but because your moments of lust are moments when you are not giving proper Glory to god, and whatever you do, you should give glory to Him. Man,you need to pursue a woman only when you're absolutely comfortable being without one for the rest of your life. Find your worth in those things which are not temporal and of this world. In Him Alone.

I'm saying this all out of love for you man. I beg you to consider it. You can't get your stuff together apart from being saturated with the word of God and steadfast in prayer. This is CAA after all. If your focus of Christ is clear then the other issues will gain so much perspective for you.

[dothackzero]

I'm saying this all out of love for you man. I beg you to consider it. You can't get your stuff together apart from being saturated with the word of God and steadfast in prayer. This is CAA after all. If your focus of Christ is clear then the other issues will gain so much perspective for you.

Just because I'm not talking about God much on here that doesn't mean I'm not getting not getting fed. Let's just put it this way, I'm getting fed enough(and the right type of messages) for it to make changes in my life without even trying.(All because of Jesus and his finished work on the cross.)


Actually, I just changed my mind. I posted the pic here...

http://www.christiananime.net/showthread.php?t=2376&page=440

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Hey, man! You're not a bad-looking guy! Maybe touch up on some grooming here and there. Hair is a big shaggy but that's my own personal opinion.

[Yuki-Anne]

I'm in agreement. I think it would be a good idea to get and maintain a decent haircut; that alone would work wonders.

Along the lines of what tronethiel said, I'm kind of wondering, do you do any kind of service? Is there any kind of ministry or charitable act that you are interested in or could feel passionate about, such as helping the homeless or student life groups or missions in Ukraine or anything like that? Because someone who is passionate (but not obsessive) about a cause can be magnetic, and serving Christ has a way of maturing a person like nothing else.

[Furen]

Honestly, the best advice that will be given, and keep being given is don't focus on the girls, if you become friends with them, just from being yourself, you're fine. I don't have any girls in my life right now that I like, but I have lots of girl friends because I'm just myself, they find me weird at first, but then they know I'm honest, and like what I like, which they kind kind of cool. They also know I like to cheer people up. I would love to find someone who likes me back, but until then, I'm just going to focus on being the best person I can be, and it'll work out.

Again, I'm sure you've received this many times, but it's the best advice we can give you really.

[Xeno]

Though I think that there has been some good advice in this thread, I do feel as if the importance of God ultimately has been somewhat overlooked. Most of these issues are not ultimately ones of practicality and I feel like that is where the focus is being given. But as a Christian, at least if you believe you are, you are not doing things because of their consequences, negative or positive. You do all you do for the sake of the good your are compelled to do by the Holy Spirit. You do not need self confidence, you need confidence in the God you serve. You don't need to improve your self, you need to allow him to sanctify you. You don't need to stop staring at girl's breasts expressly because it's impolite and they don't like it, but because your moments of lust are moments when you are not giving proper Glory to god, and whatever you do, you should give glory to Him. Man,you need to pursue a woman only when you're absolutely comfortable being without one for the rest of your life. Find your worth in those things which are not temporal and of this world. In Him Alone.

I'm saying this all out of love for you man. I beg you to consider it. You can't get your stuff together apart from being saturated with the word of God and steadfast in prayer. This is CAA after all. If your focus of Christ is clear then the other issues will gain so much perspective for you.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.


Okay, so where to start with this. I'm going to skip over the theology issues of whether he believes he's a christian or not, and the holy spirit compelling him to do whatever. I'm going to start here:

You do not need self confidence, you need confidence in the God you serve.

Actually, yes he does need self-confidence, because without self-confidence one generally hasn't the motivation to do things. It's all well and good to have confidence in god that he will do or provide for you, but you ultimately have to be the one to put forth the effort to achieve the things being offered.

You don't need to improve your self, you need to allow him to sanctify you.

And by what means of sanctification would one go through that doesn't result in improvement? Sanctification typically requires one go through a process of self improvement to attain a higher level of spirituality. It can be attributed to coming from a higher being such as god as the compelling factor, but still it's something the individual does, not an overnight occurrence imparted to the person.

You don't need to stop staring at girl's breasts expressly because it's impolite and they don't like it, but because your moments of lust are moments when you are not giving proper Glory to god, and whatever you do, you should give glory to Him.

Yes...yes he does need to stop staring at women's breasts period. Because it's creepy, and impolite, and it objectifies women. And if you want to tie lust into it you can, but that's a secondary factor because ultimately its an issue of not respecting women.

Man,you need to pursue a woman only when you're absolutely comfortable being without one for the rest of your life.

I absolutely agree with this.

You can't get your stuff together apart from being saturated with the word of God and steadfast in prayer.

Prayer allows for some to find a place of calm and zen in their lives, for others it does not. Bible reading may allow other to find guidance, but it is hardly a guide to dating and relationships or a moral compass for life. I get what you're trying to say, but...no. People live their lives and have their stuff together all around the world without being "saturated with the word of God and steadfast in prayer." Lets focus on the real issues here, and that is not dothack needing to read his Bible more.

[tronethiel7]

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.


Okay, so where to start with this. I'm going to skip over the theology issues of whether he believes he's a christian or not, and the holy spirit compelling him to do whatever. I'm going to start here:


Actually, yes he does need self-confidence, because without self-confidence one generally hasn't the motivation to do things. It's all well and good to have confidence in god that he will do or provide for you, but you ultimately have to be the one to put forth the effort to achieve the things being offered.


And by what means of sanctification would one go through that doesn't result in improvement? Sanctification typically requires one go through a process of self improvement to attain a higher level of spirituality. It can be attributed to coming from a higher being such as god as the compelling factor, but still it's something the individual does, not an overnight occurrence imparted to the person.


Yes...yes he does need to stop staring at women's breasts period. Because it's creepy, and impolite, and it objectifies women. And if you want to tie lust into it you can, but that's a secondary factor because ultimately its an issue of not respecting women.


I absolutely agree with this.


Prayer allows for some to find a place of calm and zen in their lives, for others it does not. Bible reading may allow other to find guidance, but it is hardly a guide to dating and relationships or a moral compass for life. I get what you're trying to say, but...no. People live their lives and have their stuff together all around the world without being "saturated with the word of God and steadfast in prayer." Lets focus on the real issues here, and that is not dothack needing to read his Bible more.

Well, I wouldn't expect you to agree with everything I'm saying, but we do have something in common. I'm "a"theist and you're atheist. Let's be friends "xeno" what I mean?

[dothackzero]

Anyways, we got a chance to hang out again. And it turns that I do look at her face a lot more than the other places. But yeah, I'm assuming it was an awkward hug for her last time since she didn't give me one today(and no, I wasn't more or less motioning that I wanted one like last time.)

So yeah, I also asked one of my other friends(girl), though facebook the first time to hang out. She couldn't make it. Would she have directly said something if she didn't want to come?

Though I am still curious what the other girls here think of what I look like.

[Vilo159]

I don't really want to do this hug, but I'll do it anyway.

Mission accomplished men, now onto phase two!

What does a hug mean to you? From your posts, it sounds like you want a hug because it is what is required for accomplishing your mission, which is a terrible reason to want a hug. It needs to have meaning to you, not just be a stepping stone. You should want a hug because that person's hugs make you happy, make you feel good (I mean that in a totally non-sexual way).

Come to think of it, I can't think of a single time in any of your threads where you showed any real love for the people you pursue. I don't even mean in a relationship, just in friendships. Why do you like being with these people? Do they make you feel happy, do you like those specific people? Or are friends just a requirement to get where you're going? A lot of people have said this, but I'm going to restate it so I know you get it. Do you like people for the individuals they are, or for what they do for you? You need to know the right answer to that, and APPLY it, before you can hope for any form of relationship, friendship or spouse.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you know this already, maybe you do actually hav a love for the peoplae around you, but it doesn't seem like it. Prove to us that you do.

[dothackzero]

Mission accomplished men, now onto phase two!

What does a hug mean to you? From your posts, it sounds like you want a hug because it is what is required for accomplishing your mission, which is a terrible reason to want a hug. It needs to have meaning to you, not just be a stepping stone. You should want a hug because that person's hugs make you happy, make you feel good (I mean that in a totally non-sexual way).

I like hugs from girls because they good to me. Not really sure if my hugs means anything of the girls I do though.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you know this already, maybe you do actually hav a love for the peoplae around you, but it doesn't seem like it. Prove to us that you do.

I do have love for the people around me. I'm just not always good at showing it, but really I'm around my friends(including the girls) because they are fun, they make me laugh, they are just good people, and most of the strong Christians. It really is a lot for just the fellowship. I am looking for ways to expand my main group(with girls), but I'm still choosing that are fun(not in a sexual way), that I just want to be around, the girl I invited over today was mostly because she's just an interesting person(She's 5 years older than me.) Though within that I still am laying the ground work to be able to find a wife(weather it's one the girls I'm hanging out with, or their friend that I meet through them.) But still it does have a lot to do with me just wanting to be around them, and for the fellowship.

[Xeno]

I like hugs from girls because they good to me. Not really sure if my hugs means anything of the girls I do though.

lol, please fix this grammar.

I am looking for ways to expand my main group(with girls), but I'm still choosing that are fun(not in a sexual way), that I just want to be around, the girl I invited over today was mostly because she's just an interesting person(She's 5 years older than me.) Though within that I still am laying the ground work to be able to find a wife(weather it's one the girls I'm hanging out with, or their friend that I meet through them.)

Quit focusing so much on the importance of friends being female. You stress this way too much. Some of us are good at having a mixed-gendered group of friends, some hit it off better with the other gender and some with the same gender. Your problem is that you're focusing too much on the specifics of if your friends are female or male and you're intentionally trying to make female friends over male friends. Just let you existing friendships grow organically and things will go where they go from here. You will eventually meet new people, they may be male or female, but that doesn't matter. You might get along with them and you might not, and this also doesn't matter, but the point is to allow it to happen organically and not try to force anything to occur.

But still it does have a lot to do with me just wanting to be around them, and for the fellowship.

Good on this. Just focus on this in general.

[dothackzero]

Hugs from girls feel good, they are nice and comfortable.

If you need to know more than that, find a artical on why hugs are good for you. I'm sure that would explain my reasons better than I could.

Actually, I'm only trying to force things for now. Besides, I'm trying to get some guys in there. It's just most of the guy friends I have from that group are kinda just across the state/country right now. College and stuff, you know.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Well, I wouldn't expect you to agree with everything I'm saying, but we do have something in common. I'm "a"theist and you're atheist. Let's be friends "xeno" what I mean?

I mean... just a quick side note. I'm not an atheist and I for the most part agree with everything he's saying here.

As intertwined as spirituality may be to one's emotional/psychological intelligence, you can't completely mesh them all together. There are aspects that cross and they certainly benefit from each other towards making a person as a "whole". But they're still factors that are compartmentalized from each other. Case in point being that there are certainly emotionally/socially healthy people who hold different spiritual beliefs.

Diving deep into the Bible and maturing your spiritual practices does very little when it comes to learning appropriate or positive social cues and behaviors when interacting with people of the opposite sex. Reason being is that what is considered appropriate behavior aren't abstract, metaphysical, or spiritual/theological concepts. They're derived mainly from our social environment.

Hugs from girls feel good, they are nice and comfortable.

If you need to know more than that, find a artical on why hugs are good for you. I'm sure that would explain my reasons better than I could.

Actually, I'm only trying to force things for now. Besides, I'm trying to get some guys in there. It's just most of the guy friends I have from that group are kinda just across the state/country right now. College and stuff, you know.

You're being... awfully particular about things. I mean like yeah, physical touch from a girl is great. I totally agree with you. Girls are cute and all. But you're putting a pretty large priority into self-gratification.

So yeah, I also asked one of my other friends(girl), though facebook the first time to hang out. She couldn't make it. Would she have directly said something if she didn't want to come

No. If she didn't want to come then she would have likely made an excuse not to. E.g. "I'm too busy" or "I already have plans made" or "I'm low on gas", or whatever. Even if she's going to be free in the allotted time-frame which your event were to take place, she'll still say she's busy. Like if she needed to run some errands at 1pm, and your little get-together was at 7pm. She'll still use her errand-running as an excuse because saying "I'm too busy" is more polite than saying "I don't want to hang out with you."

Now if she said something to the effect of "let me know next time". That means she's interested in another invitation next time. If she did not say anything like that, then she's less likely to be interested in an invitation. If this is the case don't badger her in the future. That'll just annoy her and make her think you're a creepy person.

[K. Ayato]

Get a haircut. Seriously. You look like a dude from Hair.