Dating Non-Christians

[JasonPratt]

A bit more context for the 'unequally yoked' warning--won't settle the dispute one way or the other, since it magnifies the 'warning' aspect but also... well, you'll see. {g}


The cultural context for the 'unequal yoking' was that if two oxen aren't sharing the work, then one of them is going to work himself to death while the other one does almost nothing. Obviously, a good warning there.

At the same time--

--_this is exactly what Jesus has done for all of us!_

He even uses the yoking analogy Himself, when He says that His burden is easy and His yoke is light. That isn't because He _isn't_ bearing the burden Himself; He's saying that in invitation to _us_, to come share the yoke with Him. No one in their right minds would think that we're equally yoked to God, though! (Okay, Mormons might, but that's a different debate. {nodding politely in their direction}{s})

So--if Jesus does it for us, and certainly He isn't waiting for us to become Christians before bearing that burden for us, then it can't be an intrinsically sinful thing to do.

But--on the other hand... pay attention to what happened to the Stronger Ox there, when He did bear that yoke for us.

Are you willing to die by torture for this other person's sake?--even if that person is who betrays you to torture and death? Are you willing to join Christ in laying down your life for that other person's sake, no matter what?

There are warnings about counting the cost, too. {s} Devoting yourself to a non-Christian is a good way to get yourself scourged and crucified, emotionally and spiritually, if not (today) physically.

So you had better be prepared for that, and willing to accept that if it comes to it. Jesus didn't just casually date us. He went the distance. If you decide you aren't willing to go that far and pay that kind of price yourself (sharing the cross with Jesus), for this other person, then that's okay. But then you should stay away and let someone else do it. (Ultimately, that's going to be God, not you, anyway. {s} Even when we accept His call to share the yoke, for other people's sake, He's still the Unequally Yoke Ox. {g})

Jason Pratt

[holysoldier5000]

No matter what choices we make we had better be willing to live with the consequences of those choices. Marriage is one such choice. However, the question is not on marriage but dating, yet what is dating but the first step to becoming married. There are many biblical accounts of marring both godly women and non-godly women. Paul advised Christians not to marry, Joseph was told not to be afraid to take Mary as his wife, Ruth need to marry Boaz to continue the lineage of Jesus, Easter married the Persian King Xerxes to save her people, Hosea was told to marry the prostitute Gomer, while the Lord took Ezekiel’s wife away from him. From all these “conflictedâ€

[Sapphire225]

Oh, dear... I'm afraid the title says it all.

One of my classmates and I really like each other, but I know that it's wrong to date him because he isn't a Christian. And it gets worse--he doesn't know that I have a thing for him. I mean, it's no secret that he likes me. Heck, just about everyone in the school knows that. He even asked me out once, but I lied (I know, big mistake) and told him that I didn't feel the same way. I just don't want him to know what's keeping us apart, because I'm afraid he'll think that my reasoning is inconsequential, and not understand why we can't be together.

It's not like I can't talk to him, though. We're best friends. We talk on the phone every day and hang out all the time. We even openly talk to each other about our "just friends" relationship and our religious beliefs. We get along so well, but I know that I can't keep up this charade forever. I pray for him constantly, that God will use me in any way possible to lead him to Christ. Still, I'm not going to try and force my beliefs on him, because ultimately, it's his choice.

I'm at my wit's end, here! What should I do?

You are in the same predicament as me. I like a buddhist.

[chibiphonebooth]

Well, I'll tell you from experience, when I dated a non-christian- it wasn't as great as I expected it to be.

We had too different views on certain things. Also, As christians we are changed. We know what is wrong and what is right, deep down. Many times non-christians dont really have this- from what I've experienced. (mind you, this is what I've experienced.) This strong feeling we get sometimes isn't matched by other non-christians.

I hope I'm making sense.

For example: tthere were issues that i would talk about with my boyfriend at the time, and he just wouldn't understand or we would get into arguements.
Now that I look back, he actually inhibited my closeness with God. I put him on a pedestal and went to him instead of God. I didn't really go to God at all while we were dating.

Relationships are supposed to bring glory to God. Sometimes I have to stop and think, "Is this bringing Glory to Him? Am I going to Him first?" That really helps me out. I realized that in a relationship with the opposite sex, it should strengthen your faith, so you can walk it out properly and really worship God through that.

I hope that helped. XD

[crossalchemist]

(Note: when I use the words 'you' and 'your' I am using them in a general 'the whole of Christianity' sense, not necessarily refering to the OP.)

Just thought I'd throw something in the pot.

The primary issues are that if you marry someone who isn't a Christian, and they continue to be non-Christian then a couple things WILL happen (pay special attention to #3):

1) Conflicting beliefs, morals, and ideals taught to the children. The children of these kinds of marrages tend to be screwed up spiritually. They usually have to figure things out on their own or they become universalists or athiests because they continue to recieve conflicting ideas from their parents. I have several friends who are from these types of families and it was in no way easy for them.

2) Spiritual purity. It's hard to do when your spouse refuses to attend church and you have conflicts when you try to go to do fellowship with fellow Christians. In a sense you are trying to serve two masters and, as Jesus said, it's impossible (eventually one will win over the other and it will be disasterous when it happens no matter which side wins).

3) By marrying or 'going out with' someone who is not a believer you are catering to your desires and not God's. It does not in any way contribute to your relationship with Christ and it is actually in fact a detriment.

4) You WILL NOT see your spouse in heaven. A lot of people don't like to think about this one, especially people who are married to non-believers. But not thinking about it cheapens and weakens your belief. If you love the person you would do as much as you can to lead them to Christ, and if you can't then you must abandon the idea of having a relationship with them because the later pain will be too much.

[Michael]

To the original poster:

Solomon had much the same problem as you. In the end, he acted on his feelings for a non-Christian woman . . . . . and payed the price for it. It was probably the greatest regret of his life and drove him far from the Lord.

[IZ&Trigun4life]

You know, If you really like this guy, maybe you should talk to him about all this BEFORE you date him. Make sure he's ok with the fact that you serve a higher power and that Christ is your savior and parting of being a christian is living a certain way of life and NOT doing certain things. If he's willing to have a go at dating a christian and he's atleast open minded towards Christianity THEN give it a try, but if has a problem with being restricted by your faith in christ, then you can remain friends and not have to go through thre pain of breaking up. Or...simply wait. Ultimately, this is between you and God.

[Master-Chief]

Calm down...It shall not matter is thoust freinds may be Non-Christian,Thou Shall not force belifes into Thines Brotherns or sisterern. Simply Walkth up to him and spillth your guts out.

[Arbre]

From my viewpoint (totally personal opinion based upon my experiences), I think that labeling people as "Christian" or "non Christian" like that sets up some unrealistic expectations at the beginning of the relationship sometimes. Plus, it comes across as very judgmental to a lot of people-- it's defining someone by what they're *not.* That's often like poison in a close relationship like that...

Individuals who have a very, very close reliance and relationship with God don't always live in ways that are stereotypically "Christian." Their beliefs may not be the same as the popular standard either... Maybe you will be surprised to discover other perspectives through talking with him, and even grow to respect and appreciate his views.


When you know him well enough that you can define him by what he *does* believe (and maybe you do and it just wasn't mentioned in the post), maybe you'd be safer contemplating dating then.

Either way, don't expect to change anyone through dating... it usually doesn't happen. And if it does, be cautious-- it doesn't always hold. There has to be respect for who that person is, and what that person wants to be.

Having converted through the influence of a guy who identifies himself as a Christian, I want to warn you that there are issues when the acceptance, happiness, closeness of your significant other feels so dependent upon their belief of the fate of your soul... I wasn't mature enough to handle such a complicated relationship. Either of them.


I think it's great to open up to a friend and share your beliefs and life goals, your dreams and motivations in life. It's possible to get to know someone at that deep kind of intellectual and emotional level without promising your life to him/her.

Listen to that other person as he or she expresses the same kinds of thoughts. Do they share enough similar beliefs to let you not only feel comfortable with yours, but encourage you to grow? Can you do the same for them? You're not the only one who'd have to compromise in that hypothetical relationship. This is one area where I think the equal yoking is essential. The respect has to be on both sides and one person just can't be doing most of the compromise...

Can you truly open up to him and feel safe and confident while discussing your faith in God and the joy it brings you? I mean, church is nice and all and you can get validation and support there.. but you shouldn't have to feel like you're hiding your whole spirituality from someone you're trying to be close to, I think. Then again, maybe you would be happy with that. Would he be happy with it too?

There is more to a relationship than just a shared belief set, imo. In my experience, differing opinions and perspectives are healthier for me. I *need* differences in order to let me thrive and grow and feel motivated. For me, those differences include beliefs to some extent. As long as there is sufficient respect and genuine interest from both me and him, I find it works...
My boyfriend is more devout than me. We give each other the space and opportunity to work on our own meaning and place in life, but we ask each other questions and grow closer through that kind of understanding and open communication. We support each other and completely respect each other's right to make personal decisions.


You have to find your own comfort level in your relationships with others. You have to discover through experience what kinds of personalities will let you pursue what you believe, and what personality types (often through no fault of their own) hinder you... Not everyone is truly compatible. And no other person can tell you what you need.

I'd caution against anything too serious before college, though. People change dramatically through those years. Sometimes it's for the better, sometimes it's not. Freedom changes how one reacts to the world. Just be careful.

I think it's wonderful that you're trying so hard to act with integrity.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

You know Arbre, you have a very, very, very good point. I actually have a good friend of mine who he considers himself as a "Pragmatic Agnostic". I will attest to the fact that he has a much better mentality at life than a lot of Christians I know. It's rather amazing if you ask me.

[termyt]

Well said, Arbre. Without openness and honesty, it doesn’t matter what you decide. Some folks will do anything to maintain the appearance of a relationship including lying to the other person and themselves. Unfortunately, it’s a lot easier to be hurt when you are honest.

Of course, too much honesty too fast can complicate things as well. The first date probably isn’t the place for a long listing of rules, demands, and expectations, but both you and your significant other need to be open about what you expect and what you believe.

Relationships are hard. They require a ton of work to maintain, but are tremendously rewarding when both people are committed to it. Love is a battlefield, they say, and while that may be cliché, clichés are cliché for a reason.

In that regard, I don’t think there’s an easy yes/no answer to the question. A lot of other factors play in. The guy isn’t a Christian, but why isn’t he? Is it because he feels Christians are hateful or to quick to judge? That impression can be fixed with time and exposure to Christians beyond the sound bites shown on TV.

Does he not believe there is a God? This to can be changed over time by simply showing him what God has done for you (and him).

Is it because he doesn’t want a world run by the principles of Christianity (love of God and family, respect for others, honesty, charity, mercy, justice, etc)? If so, then he’ll probably not ever be a good match.

[Mave]

I appreciate your insight, Arbre. It's food for thought. That would explain why some so-called mismatches do end up working and why many don't.

[Arbre]

You know Arbre, you have a very, very, very good point. I actually have a good friend of mine who he considers himself as a "Pragmatic Agnostic". I will attest to the fact that he has a much better mentality at life than a lot of Christians I know. It's rather amazing if you ask me.

Mr. SmartyPants! I love seeing all these familiar names after being away for so long! :)

I was kinda scared that what I said would upset people. o.o As some of you may have figured out from my post, I'm not incredibly, well... strong, as far as faith goes.

But I do think that the different outlooks have the potential to help us all increase our understanding in life. That's great that you've found someone who makes you think in new ways, MSP. :)

Weak faith notwithstanding, I can't count the amount of times I've felt like God brought someone into my life just to give me a new perspective on an issue. I haven't had to date them all to get the insight, though. :P

We all have our own individual little path in life that intersects, runs parallel to, and overlaps others'. :) It's nice to try walking with others, if only for a bit, to appreciate a new view. :D

Whether dating/marrying someone with hugely different views on life will be a help or lead you away from God and where you want to be is an important question, though...

Fionn Fael, it's definitely something to really think about and pray about. I don't know if anything I've said has helped. I hope it hasn't confused more. >.<
Opinions from an anonymous stranger on the Internet shouldn't be given too much trust, though... it's your life and I'm only sharing my thoughts with the hope that something positive can be brought through it somehow. If nothing I've typed seems to fit, that's ok too.

Well said, Arbre. Without openness and honesty, it doesn’t matter what you decide. Some folks will do anything to maintain the appearance of a relationship including lying to the other person and themselves. Unfortunately, it’s a lot easier to be hurt when you are honest.

Of course, too much honesty too fast can complicate things as well. The first date probably isn’t the place for a long listing of rules, demands, and expectations, but both you and your significant other need to be open about what you expect and what you believe.

Relationships are hard. They require a ton of work to maintain, but are tremendously rewarding when both people are committed to it. Love is a battlefield, they say, and while that may be cliché, clichés are cliché for a reason.

In that regard, I don’t think there’s an easy yes/no answer to the question. A lot of other factors play in. The guy isn’t a Christian, but why isn’t he? Is it because he feels Christians are hateful or to quick to judge? That impression can be fixed with time and exposure to Christians beyond the sound bites shown on TV.

Does he not believe there is a God? This to can be changed over time by simply showing him what God has done for you (and him).

Is it because he doesn’t want a world run by the principles of Christianity (love of God and family, respect for others, honesty, charity, mercy, justice, etc)? If so, then he’ll probably not ever be a good match.

termyt, I think you made some very good points there. I agree that the reasons why he doesn't share the same beliefs are more important than the fact that he doesn't.

But still, even if it seems like there's the potential that he'd convert through your influence in his life... don't bank on it. For one, emotions get all mixed up... and oftentimes, conversions through romantic relationships aren't founded upon the best of bases, even if the intentions are consciously as pure as possible.

Been there. Done that. Cognitive dissonance is not fun. :P Neither is a loss of faith that occurs after a loss of that romantic relationship. It hurts badly and the long-term results of it on my faith are iffy.

Faith can be fragile... And as nice as having a crutch can be when it's first starting out, relying on another person to model faith after isn't usually healthy. I say usually. That's my opinion. I'm not making absolute statements if I can help it.

There's a danger in changing for the other person. One of those dangers is stagnation. There is a tendency to not grow beyond the expectations of the other person... Especially in situations where one person will expresses something along the lines of "I love you, but you're not _____ enough" that person will of course want to clear that lingering obstacle to full acceptance.

When there are all of those other pressures being exerted on a person from trying to make the other person happy, it *can* make the spiritual life be constrained in unnatural ways.. so it wont' grow in the most healthy way... like a tree sapling that gets pummeled into the ground during a storm or has to grow around an obstacle to get to sufficient sunlight-- OR, if it was on a mountainside where there was a landslide that completely shifted its foundation without quite killing the tree-- those odd reactionary growth patterns may still be evident YEARS later if it doesn't kill the poor tree outright.

All tree experience some environmental stress. Some just are more obviously broken, misshapen, stressed and/or fragile than others. (I like trees. <3 )



Secondly, even though it's great to want the best for someone (want them to be happy), there is also a place for accepting them as they are. Ultimately, that other person is making a *choice* to be with you. We don't have the right to control anyone's life, especially in the spiritual area, I believe.



Mave, I wonder if there are statistics out there about "successful" relationships vs. "unsuccessful" ones and how different faiths/worldviews tie into that. What you said about some working and many not seems about right, though. If there are children later on down the road, it will potentially be even more tricky... It's one thing to have a laissez-faire attitude about a significant other's spirituality, and a whole 'nother thing to find yourself in the role of a parent and trying to not only be fair, but pass on your values to your child. Very, very difficult.

Yeah, there are unique challenges if the two people are coming from very different backgrounds. Part of me is thinking that it's all a matter of degrees, though-- you'll never find anyone exactly like you to date/marry; some will just be more like you than others will.

Can you live with someone who doesn't share your same level of faith in God? Should you?

It's definitely a learning experience, that relationship stuff. :P I don't know you, Fionn Fael, but I'm sincerely hoping that you'll have peace and a calm outlook on this particular situation. You'll learn a lot more about yourself through it all, I'm sure. I really do hope for the best for you.

[termyt]

There are a couple of things I’d like to address.

First, to clarify, I do not think it is a good idea to enter a romantic relationship with someone just to proselytize them. To do so is to enter into a very serious and important relationship on false pretenses, and the Truth can not be expressed through a lie. A couple of posts in this thread have come close to saying this, so allow me to unequivocally state that it is not your responsibility to stay in a relationship for the hope that one day your significant other will come to have the relationship our Lord desires with him.

Change, hopefully, is a part of a dating relationship. I hope both you and the one you date are changed by each other. I pray that that change is for the better. Your own relationship with God is the most important and must be your first priority. What profit is it if you lose your own soul while failing to save another? And there’s another problem with that line of thinking. YOU don’t have the ability to save anyone. Only God does. Your responsibility is to reflect Christ to the best of your ability, which will improve as your relationship with Him does. The relationship with you BF is second to that relationship.

Of course we must accept people for who they are. I don't know how you even consider dating someone if you can't accept them for who they are today. God also accepts us as we are, so we should do no less. However, accepting who you are today and being content to let you stagnate there are two completely different things. When someone tells you, “don’t ever change,â€