Christian Cliques

[GhostPoet]

Now..there are cliques all over...everywhere. From work to school to church.

But it seems like it can sometimes be more obvious in church settings.

My wife and I have gone to more churches than we could ever count...never fit in...could never find anyone to really call friends.

I've noticed there are always these little groups of people...and if you don't fit in..it just won't work..oh you can try...but ultimately you'll be wasting your time.

So, i'm wondering...are YOU involved in a clique? Do you know? Have you seen people who don't seem to have a group...people who sit alone? Ever tried to talk to them? If you are on the otherside of the problem...How do you deal with a room for of cliques? How do you make friends?

[Slater]

eh, well we are called to have an integrated part in a church somewhere... to become a part of it like a part of the body is part of the whole. Can't just go to a church and expect to be in on all the body's functions on the first week there. Gotta stick it out a while.

[GhostPoet]

eh, well we are called to have an integrated part in a church somewhere... to become a part of it like a part of the body is part of the whole. Can't just go to a church and expect to be in on all the body's functions on the first week there. Gotta stick it out a while.

For me..I went to a church for around 6 years...I knew a couple people..but only as aquaintences..not friends. We didn't have enough in common to really spark a friendship. That's about it. It was a youth group.

My wife had it a little better..she was involved in a few things...however since neither of us are very talkative...it made making friends next to impossible even when we were active. Quiet people just can't break through cliques..but it's not just about being talkative...if you don't have enough in common to spark a friendship...then there isn't any chance...

[Mr. SmartyPants]

i guess im in the "nerd" clique at my church... however there is an even bigger clique at my church... and I "sorta" fit in it...

[Maledicte]

there was a clique in my Christian school...actually it was more like 2 distinct camps: the "cool, popular, dimwitted etc" group and the "outcasts" group. Guess which one I was in.

[kazekami]

I'm in the choir!! But thats mostly Grandmas. They talk about there grandchildren. They are really nice. They thought I was in high school.

[Doubleshadow]

My Sunday School class is "Middle School through Adult" Which means 12-59 year olds and contains 5 people, maybe, if I am there. Sometimes it's just me and my parents. Obviously, my church is too small for cliques.

[EireWolf]

In your adult life (not youth groups), how long have you and your wife attended a church and been involved (more than just showing up on Sundays) before giving up?

People in youth groups tend, by nature, to be immature. I wouldn't count that experience, personally.

I know it's hard to make friends, especially when one is shy and quiet. But if you stick around and stretch yourself by reaching out to people, you're bound to make some friends.

I am one of those shy, quiet people. I find it very difficult to make friends. It took a few years of my husband and myself being actively involved before I found I really had a close friend in the church. I guess people don't become instant buddies just because they're Christians. Any relationship takes some work, and intentionality. It helps to have things in common, but my good friend and I don't actually have a great deal in common.

[CreatureArt]

So, i'm wondering...are YOU involved in a clique? Do you know? Have you seen people who don't seem to have a group...people who sit alone? Ever tried to talk to them? If you are on the otherside of the problem...How do you deal with a room for of cliques? How do you make friends?

Yes, I've seen those people. The ones who just quietly slip in and sit at the back of the Church. I agree with what EireWolf has said - it can definitely help to reach out to others and go the extra effort, though it can be hard and take some time. I'm sorry that you haven't been able to fit in.

Something I haven't been involved in (I go to youth group), but that I've heard about are small groups - where Christians from Churches get together and do Bible studies, have fellowship, etc. and get to know each other. It's just an idea: I don't know if all Churches have them, but if it's available, it could help in getting to spend time with and know people.

Your post does bring up something that has been bothering me for a little while, now. First of all - I don't expect Christians to be perfect, or unable to trip, stumble and fall. (I just need to look at my own self and think of God's amazing grace when it comes to loving, forgiving, and helping me to get back on my feet again to know that we're all under Grace and that we need to be gracious toward others, too). But I have noticed so, so many hurting people in Churches, who for some reason or another aren't getting help.

When I was a lot younger, and my Mother first came down very seriously with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS/ME), I felt almost betrayed by my Church. Looking back now, I've come to a couple of conclusions why I felt so abandoned. There were that I didn't reach out to others, they didn't know how to reach out to me, they weren't really aware of/didn't understand the problem and they were busy (not that I put this forward as absolute truth, but it's what I've come to believe). I've come to an understanding, and forgiveness, though I still feel hurt sometimes God has helped me a lot. But it has been since then that I have noticed that there are a lot of people who are hurting but seem alone in the Church (at least that I've noticed here in NZ).

Don't get me wrong - there are a lot of people who are very helped by Christians in Churches. This most definitely isn't an invitation to beat up Churches/Christians because we didn't feel helped. As I said before, we all miss stuff and fall at times, so it's a good thing to recognise that others do, too, and have grace toward them like Christ had (so much) for us. I guess I'm mostly looking for things that we can personally do in Church to alleviate it. If there's a problem in the body, shouldn't we see what we can do to help?

This is a bit of a venture post - I don't know what everyone will think of this - but how about disussing ways to show love and fellowship toward those who might feel left out in Church? Couldn't giving a quick chat to someone, shouting them a coffee, introducing them to other people, sitting beside those who are sitting off on their own.. and more, go a little way towards helping?

[EireWolf]

CreatureArt has some really good points. It could be that people just don't realize that you're lonely and looking for a friend. You might try inviting someone out to lunch after church. I know when we're new, we feel like someone else should do the inviting, but... really, people just don't often think about it. You can take the initiative.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I were sitting behind another young couple in church that we had never seen before. I was planning to say hello and maybe invite them to lunch, but when the service was over they practically bolted out the door. I didn't have a chance. Are you sure you're giving people a proper chance?

CreatureArt also suggested small groups. That is an *excellent* idea. If your church has them, join. You can join a men's bible study; your wife can join a women's. It's a great way to meet people in a more intimate setting.

If your church doesn't have small groups, consider starting one. If you just can't handle that (and I would be hard-pressed, myself), then ask the pastor or another church leader for advice on what you can do for fellowship. Point out the need; they may not be aware of it.

[meboeck]

MSP, Peanut, LinksQuest and I are in the caa clique at my church. Actually, we're just in the wierd people clique. But we kind of fit into the greater clique because we are in drama team. Our church is trying to open up more, but it is taking time. Sometimes you have to give things time to evolve even if you want them to change right now.

[GhostPoet]

[quote="EireWolf"]CreatureArt has some really good points. It could be that people just don't realize that you're lonely and looking for a friend. You might try inviting someone out to lunch after church. I know when we're new, we feel like someone else should do the inviting, but... really, people just don't often think about it. You can take the initiative.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I were sitting behind another young couple in church that we had never seen before. I was planning to say hello and maybe invite them to lunch, but when the service was over they practically bolted out the door. I didn't have a chance. Are you sure you're giving people a proper chance?

CreatureArt also suggested small groups. That is an *excellent* idea. If your church has them, join. You can join a men's bible study]

See..now that just isn't something we could do. We can't just go up and spark conversations..neither of us have the conversational abilties..we end up getting more quiet..stumbling on words or going completely blank.

Spirits willing to go introduce myself to people...but the mind just doesn't have the capability it seems.hehe

I HAVE managed to do it..during the 6 year time I was at my church group...but...no one that we really clicked with..we want friends we have things in common with..so we can actually DO stuff together that we both enjoy....just doesn't work out.

Maybe we are destined to be alone.

[Locke]

Does the emo/choir/videogamer/metro/weirdo clique still exist?

jk.

My church though, is about as multi ethnic/everything as you can get.
But its one of the few places were you can see a emo kid hug a Abercrombie wearing jock. Thats why I love my church. SUre their cliques, but once you get involved, they all mix together on way or another.

and trust me, once you start wearing emo/girl pants, the world gets a lot happier, the birds sing alot more, and you feel like walking on air.

[Ky Kiske]

hmm... It's a shame that you haven't found a welcoming church.
have you tried going to a smaller church?
The seem to be more friendly and less distant.
It also depend on what denomination you are. Some tend to be more welcoming than others.

[Josh Fisher]

well for me its not really cliques in my youth group its just kinda seperated between the Older more mature kids and then theres the younger kids, unfortunatley I fit in with the young ones because I dont really look my age, oh well its better than not fitting in at all

[Cap'n Nick]

You say you have trouble approaching strangers and starting conversation. The truth is, so do a lot of people. If one has a stable, supportive group of friends there is little motivation to leave this bubble of safety and branch out into situations that are awkward and uncomfortable. Ideally, Christian church members should fight this fear as it is an obstacle to their ministry, but the truth is that this fear is very real and a much more formidable spiritual obstacle than most people realize or admit. So, when you're dealing with humans, remember to feed them with your fingers flat (don't want to lose any digits) and that they're just as afraid of you as you are of them.

[Esoteric]

See..now that just isn't something we could do. We can't just go up and spark conversations..neither of us have the conversational abilties..we end up getting more quiet..stumbling on words or going completely blank.

Spirits willing to go introduce myself to people...but the mind just doesn't have the capability it seems.hehe

I HAVE managed to do it..during the 6 year time I was at my church group...but...no one that we really clicked with..we want friends we have things in common with..so we can actually DO stuff together that we both enjoy....just doesn't work out.

Maybe we are destined to be alone.

Are you sure you aren't talking about me?? I have exactly the same problem. I've never had more than one or two friends at any given time in my whole life, just lots of acquaintences. I've tried many groups, but I just can't make friends.
Currently I'm in a small group at church, and have been there a year now. For a while I was making progress, I got to at least know some of the people, went on some outings, I even started a game night for us to get together and do 'fun' stuff in an attempt to solidify some relationships. It's all crumbling right now though; the game night has fizzled, several people I know have started 'coupling up', and it all feels empty now. I don't really know anyone there afterall, or rather, they don't know me. I haven't felt like going much anymore... You're aren't the only one who hasn't cracked this problem.

[Fsiphskilm]

I could ho

[GhostPoet]

[quote="Esoteric"]Are you sure you aren't talking about me?? I have exactly the same problem. I've never had more than one or two friends at any given time in my whole life, just lots of acquaintences. I've tried many groups, but I just can't make friends.
Currently I'm in a small group at church, and have been there a year now. For a while I was making progress, I got to at least know some of the people, went on some outings, I even started a game night for us to get together and do 'fun' stuff in an attempt to solidify some relationships. It's all crumbling right now though]

Same here...back a few years ago when I went to my old church..I always did stuff with the group I was with..even went paintballing..but it never turned into anything..they were people I talked to..but they weren't friends. Not the kind that go out and you can talk to about anything... :/
And that's always been my problem...and I think my wifes problem too...we've had PLENTY of people in our lives through church activities and what not that we talked too...but no one we ever truely clicked with enough to have a close friendship. We may never have friends.