Relationships: Where to draw the line.

[PleaseDrinkMilk]

The following is a long story to ask the simple question, How long do you keep working at a relationship with a lot of friction?
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This is my first real relationship. My lady and I have been going out for 15 months. It's been troubled from the start, but we've changed our behaviors a bit (mostly her-- she was hanging out with guys and I wasn't going to be in a relationship with that) and we're still-a chuggin' along, and actually despite the following details it's been enjoyable most the time. But we've been through a lot. We've struggled through a lot. It's made us strong, in a lot of ways.

But we have problems. I tend to get very mad over certain conversations, sometimes to the point of yelling. She is very moody; she will go an entire week where most things make her angry, and in these times, her expectations of me are ridiculous. This past week, we've had a decent fight every day. We would have gotten in yet another fight today but I was smart enough not to let myself get mad over something she said.

When she gets in these moods, it's like she's Black Haru. Yes, that's right, I've slipped a Fruba reference into my very serious problem. No, but really-- it's like she's a different person. Meanwhile, when she's in normal mode, there's nobody I would rather be with.

My concern is...I'm a thinker, and one of my main goals in life is to avoid divorce. I look at this relationship and I appreciate the sacrifices she's made in her social life for me (even though she's tripped a few times), but I still wonder: is this the kind of relationship that has the chance to survive even the ~50% divorce rate? When she's Black Haru, I ask myself, 'Do I want to put up with this for the rest of my life?'
I don't know if this conflict is something that will be worked out--a collection of issues on both of our behalves--or just an everlasting mode of conflict, since the family she comes from does tend to be quite....well, conflictual.

I ask you, CAA people, because I've prayed, and because most of my friends I could ask aren't on the same wavelength as me concerning social/moral issues, which would affect how you see the situation.
Tell me anything you think would help out my thinking on this situation.

[Sammy Boy]

Okay, my understanding from reading that is you two are not yet married, and hence the question of thinking about whether it is good to get married because of the friction that's there.

All relationships have a certain amount of friction. Some suggestions I have are:

- When you are both not arguing (i.e. able to talk and reflect calmly about the problems in your relationships without being angry about it), write down a list of all the perceived problems, one person per list. The lists will probably be similar in some instances, different in some other points.

- Write another list of your expectations that you have of the other person (i.e. both of you are to do this). So, again, two lists.

- Now check the list of perceived problems and think about which are problems of a minor nature and which are of a major nature. The two of you will probably have different definitions.

Try and see if there are problems that can be ignored because they are not all that important (don't sweat the small stuff).

- It is also a good idea to get some counselling from your pastor. Most couples do this when they decide to get engaged and married, but it never hurts to do this early. After all, you want to find out everything you possibly can and all the potential spots of trouble in the relationship before you make the lifelong commitment, right?

There is nothing wrong with getting as much information about the relationship as possible. In fact I'd say it's the wise thing to do.

Lastly, be objective but also be fair to each other in listing out what you each see as issues. Note that there are some things about each one of us that may take a very, very long time to change. Be prepared that some people may not even change in some aspects as far as we can tell. God definitely does transform people - but He has His own reasons for doing or not doing certain things in terms of changing people's personalities, even after much prayer and effort (I am speaking from personal experience).

I pray that you'll both make the right decision, whether that means staying in the relationship, or moving on.