history and advice needed

[Guardianking500]

ill start from the beginning.

when i was young, i was innocent and pure, but by the age of 10, i had lost what i once had, emotional feelings. i tended to put on an act so not to draw attention, but i could tell the others knew i was acting. they tried their best to cheer me up, and even became my friends, but i never felt any emotion, by 11, i was worried, that i would never feel again, although one feeling stayed with me, pain. for as long as i can remember i have felt pain, mine and others. after i turned 11 i noticed changes in me, i was becoming more intelligent even though i wasn't reading or learning, i even found knowledge of things that i shouldn't know. when we got a computer, i knew how to use it without learning, like i had used it before. i would also know the answers to problems i've never heard of. i thought that this was going to cause problems, so, i made it look like i got the information from studying, but everything i read seemed familier to me, as if i had read it all before, then the worst happened, i felt empty inside, like part of me was replaced with a dark void, something that threatened to consume my very soul. for 4-5 years i felt alone, like nobody wanted me around. then when i was 17, i went to a church, but i still acted like nothing was wrong. i asked for nothing from the church, but the youth group welcomed me. at my first time out with the group i met someone, though i will not name names. but i thought she was beautiful and then i had felt something i had never felt before, love and affection. it was so new to me that i didnt know what to do, when i was 19 we started going out and i thought, i wasnt alone anymore,but then, six months later she broke up with me, i dont know why, but now it doesnt matter cause, now the darkness has returned and sometimes i feel that i cannot stand against it for long. i thought that when i was going out with her that the darkness was no more. but in reality it was only suppressed.

along with all these things i've been able to see things sometimes when i dream, and then sometime later it actually happens. the darkness has also done something to my mind, cause when ever i let my guard down, i see chaotic images, images that no one should ever have to see. also, the darkness is still there, but i feel as though some dark presence is always around me.

i would like your guyses advice on these things. please any information will help.

[battletech]

To start to help I think we need to ask two questions.
Do you believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and that He died and rose again for you? Have you asked Him to come into your heart and save you.

I will pray this will help others who are much smarter then me to start to help you.

I will pray for you.

[Alice]

My advice would be to get in contact with some spiritual advisors you can trust, like a pastor, spiritual father-figure, that sort of person, and talk to them about it and ask for prayer and counselling. Maybe you could ask them to anoint you with oil and pray over you.

Other than that, we can pray for you, and there might be good spiritual material from books, like Derek Prince, that you could read to help you get free through God. I know He doesn't want you to live in constant pain or darkness.

Another suggestion, of course, would be to pray and read and memorize parts from the Bible. (It's God's word, after all, and He created the universe with words, so there's power there.) And prayer is a pretty powerful thing too, which we can sometimes forget.

[Guardianking500]

to answer your questions battletech. yes, on both accounts. i have asked god into my heart countless times yet there is still darkness.
but what about this dark presence that seems to come in and fill part of the void that is in me?

[battletech]

If you truely believe than your body is the temple of the Lord. He is with you all the time.
I believe that anyone who is the Lord's child cannot be possessed by a demon.
Alice's advice is the best advice you could ever get.
Talking to someone face to face is a better than over the internet.

[Lady Macbeth]

I'm not going to hazard too many guesses here, but I'll offer some advice based on what you wrote and people I've known who have been in similar situations.

First of all, you're 20 years old. Despite the fact that you are legally an adult, you're still developing; none of your problems are set in stone.

Second, much of what you see to be a problem really isn't. Tween and teen years are typical for emotional rollercoasters, including the sense of "lack of emotion" - there's a reason so many of them walk around in black clothes and chains, slouching like they have a fifty pound weight on each shoulder. Some teens react to the "feeling nothing" sensation by trying to outwardly exhibit it, some react by proclaiming emotions that aren't there or aren't there to the degree they're proclaiming, just to try to seem "normal" and some just rollercoaster with it. They're all feeling the same range of emotions, they're just responding differently. It doesn't help that the media innundates children, tweens and teens with powerful representations of what any given emotion is "supposed" to look like.

The learning curve that you describe is called "intuitive learning." It's also something that's hardwired into children's brains, but a wide variety of environmental, psychological and physiological factors can impact the degree to which it's realized. Most primates show some degree of intuitive learning, and humans tend to be on the higher end of the scale. It's how we are able to use natural adaptability and invention to progress. If there were no ability for intuitive learning, we would make virtually no progress without parents and we would be seeing a decline in learning ability and cultural development as our society moves to children becoming more and more independent and at earlier ages.

All people also feel a sense of darkness and unease when they do not have closely-knit social networks to associate with. Even if it's just one network, such as a family, a church group or a close peer group, having that feeling of being close to other people gives relief to the individual. We are a social creature - we rely on others for mental well-being because it's an instrument of survival. You felt said relief when you found someone who meant a lot to you. So that one particular relationship didn't work out; not all people we meet are going to become a permanent part of our lives. That's when it's time to move forward and meet other people.

As far as the dreams and imagery go, before you worry too much about a negative spiritual influence, worry about negative physical influences. Creativity and imagination are also part of our brain's natural processes, for the same reason that intuitive learning and social networking are. Our minds absorb all of the sensory input we encounter during a day - what we see while we drive, what's on television screens we walk by, what people are saying across the street, and what we encounter as we go about our daily activities. All of these things compile and rearrange themselves regularly in our minds, even if we're not consciously thinking about it. This is also why so many people are able to have what they consider "prophetic dreams" or frequent deja vu - the ability to make reasonable predictions based on past experience is what allows us to be able to make decisions for ourselves. This is also something the brain does constantly, even if you're not consciously trying to work out a problem or make a decision.

If the dreams and imagery continue to bother you, consider what you're being exposed to in any given day - on TV, on the Internet, on games you play, in music you listen to or in the community. Start keeping track of what things have a negative or distressing connotation and what things have a positive or uplifting connotation. This also requires a critical analysis - for example, many kids think they feel better by playing a game that involves stealing cars, running down old ladies and gunning down rivals in the street. However, the reality of the message given by such games is negative, and the brain translates it as negative imagery. Gross commercialism (being encouraged to buy things you would never need) and non-rewarding discussions (gossip columns, anyone?) are also things that many people think they enjoy but are ultimately negative - they have the subconscious tendency to make people feel bad about themselves (can't afford that, will never be like that, unable to do that) and start a process of negative thought.

Take some time to analyze what's going on in your life, reorient yourself to more positive stimuli (including yes, spiritually rewarding pursuits like religious study) and start networking with people who can help you in such a positive direction (church groups, pastors, positively-oriented peer groups, etc).

[Dunedan]

Wow. You sound just like me. I understand what you feel like... but no one has ever given me a satisfactory answer, spiritual advisor or otherwise.

Actually, I'd understand if you hated someone telling you they understood, because it always annoys me when people say that. I don't know what to do about the darkness. I don't know what to do about the void. I'm not as old as you, though, so it must be stranger still.

The knowledge of things? I know what that's like too. I'm homeschooled and I don't usually do my homework at all, but I still got a 31 on the ACT. And I understand about the dreams too... it almost feels like you've already lived your life and now you're just dreaming it, maybe? That's how it feels to me.

I'm a Christian, but not a good one, and I don't know of a Christian answer for it, or any answer whatsoever. I personally have given up finding a reason.

I don't know why I'm saying all this, except that your story seems almost exactly like mine... and I want to understand it. Maybe we can. Feel free to PM me anytime.