Stand-up comedy

[Hakaii]

ok everyone, I just thought that it would be fun if we had a thread made for people to show off thier comedic skills. yea were not really "standing up", but hey, a good joke every now and then is great.

[Hakaii]

DISCLAIMER: it is assumed that when you make a joke in this thread, that it is intirely fictional. in other words, when someone says;
"the other day, I went hunting with my wife.... man was that a mistake! Here I was, dressed up in camo BDU's, camo-paint, and my sniper-rifle. and there she was, wearing light blue sweatpants, visor, and some kind of jacket that reminds me of a poodle! yea, she really understood me when I said to dress for the woods! well, here I am, its 6am, you know that time when everything is nice and quiet? perfect setting for a deer to come out for a walk? well, here I am enjoying the majestic scenery when from behind a tree walks this massive bear! oh man was this my lucky day! well, I took aim, steadied my arms, and preparred to...

Wife: you not going to SHOOT IT are you?!!!

Me:......... *sigh*............. no hunny, I just wanted to ask him where Tigger was! Yes!! I'm here to hunt him!

Wife: but...but.... RUN Baloo Run!!!!!!"

ok, now this is not entirely my own work, In fact I think it is from the Blue-collar Comedy Tour. Of course, I can't remember all the details so I did improvise some, but not that much. however, it is a good example of a comedian telling a story that is COMPLETELY fictionall. but VERY Funny! so long story short. feel free to say whatever you want (within the CAA rules) and it is assumed that the story is fictional and does not apply to your REAL family or any real people!!

[mitsuki lover]

This isn't original but I have always found it funny:
Two Quaker women were on a train during the Civil War talking about the qualities of Lincoln versus Davis.One woman says to her companion,"I believe Jefferson will win the War."Her companion asked her"Why?"to which she replied,"Because Jefferson is a praying man."
The other Quaker woman then said,"I believe Abraham will win."
To which her companion asked,"Why?"
"Because Abraham also is a praying man."was her answer.
"Yes,but the Lord will think that Abraham is joking."

[uc pseudonym]

I do minor amounts of stand-up comedy and the occasional improv, but I'm not sure how well those will work in a thread. Part of what makes stand-up enjoyable is being able to actually see the person, especially when part of the act is their mannerisms and such.

Two Quaker women were on a train during the Civil War talking about the qualities of Lincoln versus Davis.One woman says to her companion,"I believe Jefferson will win the War."Her companion asked her"Why?"to which she replied,"Because Jefferson is a praying man."
The other Quaker woman then said,"I believe Abraham will win."
To which her companion asked,"Why?"
"Because Abraham also is a praying man."was her answer.
"Yes,but the Lord will think that Abraham is joking."

Why would Quaker women say that? The Quakers were one of the first groups to be directly anti-slavery and they are relatively homogenous as far as religious groups go. Am I missing the point of this joke?

[Hakaii]

yea, I agree that there were issues with that joke. but hey, I'm not exactly Rodney Dangerfield myself. lets try to focus on the positive... like the fact that I'm positive that I can't cook! in fact, my cooking is so bad, that the last time I tried to make Spaghetti... It turned into a broth! speaking of spaghetti, has anyone seen how thin super-models are these days? I heard that a candy company wanted to hire a model from Vogue... for a picksy stick commercial. yea, thats just what the world needs, more kids hooked on sugar covered sugar. I saw a kid down the street in a trenchcoat, selling 9-year-olds their next fix of it. smart kid, all his friends were paying him to make them act like they had ADHD. oh, but don't get me wrong. theres nothing wrong with ADHD. I myself have it.... right along with the majority of American adults. I mean really, ADHD should be considered to be the next stage of evolution! if you can't watch mythbusters, send a text message, and play Kingdom Hearts 2 while doing your homework... well its ok, your just "normal". yea, "normal"! or as I like to put it... boring. really, were told in school that being creative is great but when a little kindergardener draws a plane with a duck beack on the front of it.. the teacher tells them "no thats wrong". (*imagine child looking up with "whahapen?" look on face*) seriously, that kid could have been on to something. If you looked at boeings design for the X-35? looked more like a duck to me!

ok, got to get back to work on things. later folks.

[Nate]

Heyyy! Thank you, thank you, ev'ry'body, it's nice to be here. Uh, I got some jokes to tellya tonight, so here we go. Oh boy! Who was that lady I saw you with last night? Oh, that was just my wife! (rimshot) Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, she's pretty, don't'cha think? Ah hahaha! Oh! A guy walks into a restaurant and said to me, "I haven't had a bite in weeks". So I bought him some food. (rimshot) Ah ha ha ha ha ho ho! Oh boy, the zingers just keep comin'! Why did the chicken cross the road? Well, it wasn't really a road, it was a driveway at the chicken farm, and the chicken was just walkin' around! (rimshot) Ah ha ha ho! Oh! Oh, I got a million of 'em! Hold on, wait, wait, a man went to the doctor and he said "Doctor, it hurts when I do this", so the doctor said, "Here, take this aspirin". Whoa ho ho! Oh, rimshot! (rimshot) Well, g'night, ev'rybody, it's been nice, you been a great audience. Thank you everybody, goodnight!

[mitsuki lover]

Ok,the point of the joke is the final line when the first Quaker woman says,
"But the Lord would think Abraham was joking."
Let's review Lincoln shall we to better understand the joke,remember Lincoln enjoyed reading and telling jokes and other such stories and was famous for regaling strangers and friends alike.This is the whole blunt of the joke,Lincoln's penchant for telling jokes and stories.
But it also shows the differences in the personalities of Lincoln and Davis in that
whereas Davis would be taken seriously because he was an overly serious person,Lincoln on the other hand wasn't taken too seriously because of his love of joking.
End of lesson.

[Hakaii]

End of Lesson

yea, lets not get too serious here people! this is a COMEDY thread not a history thread. I'm just saying Lighten Up folks.

[Hakaii]

hey here's one:
how's this for diversity? Yu-Gi-Oh
you have a japenease boy in America, possesed by an egyptian pharoah, dubbed in Spanish!

[Htom Sirveaux]

Whenever I watched Captain Planet as a kid I always wondered about the "Heart" guy. His ring didn't really do much except shoot out these large circles that went 'woob-woob-woob-woob-woob' and kinda stalled the bad guys for a second. He was no help at all to the team, just kept getting himself kidnapped and stuff. I'm convinced they didn't really even need him. I think he just kinda showed up unexpectedly at the Planeteers' first meeting:

[Planeteers]
"Earth!"
"Fire!"
"Wind!"
"Water!"
[Captain Planet]
"By your powers combined, I am Cap-"
[Annoying little runt walks in]
"Hey guys, what's up? Aw, neat! Hey, can I join?"
[Planeteers]
"But we've already... I mean, we... uh..."
And they just couldn't bring themselves to tell him to scram, so they just said
"Oh, fine, just give him... Idunno... 'Heart'.
[Heart kid]
"Really? Oh, cool! Thanks guys!"
[Planeteers]
"*grumble* whatever."

And they've been waiting for the chance to get rid of him ever since.

[Myoti]

I do minor amounts of stand-up comedy and the occasional improv, but I'm not sure how well those will work in a thread. Part of what makes stand-up enjoyable is being able to actually see the person, especially when part of the act is their mannerisms and such.

Indeed (though I wasn't aware you did such). I believe many of my favorite stand-up comedians wouldn't be nearly as funny if it wasn't for the way they look and act.

I've actually been thinking recently of trying out improv at a local place, though I'm not sure how well I would do...

[Hakaii]

the other day, my wife and I were talking about the muppets. and in doing so, we pondered.... what nationalities would the muppets be?....

Wife: you know, I think that Grover would be Black...

Me: what?

Wife: Grover... you know, the muppet? I think that if he were a real person, he'd be Black. Oh, and Gonzo is probably Italian.

Me: *LOL* yea, I suppose... hey! I guess that means that elmo would be white?

Wife: yea, oh, and grover would be schitzo. you know, the whole "grover/super-grover thing" LOL

Me: and elmo would have ADHD! oh! what would the Swedish Chef be?

Wife:.....0.o.......

Me: oh..yea...duh

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Whenever I watched Captain Planet as a kid I always wondered about the "Heart" guy. His ring didn't really do much except shoot out these large circles that went 'woob-woob-woob-woob-woob' and kinda stalled the bad guys for a second. He was no help at all to the team, just kept getting himself kidnapped and stuff. I'm convinced they didn't really even need him. I think he just kinda showed up unexpectedly at the Planeteers' first meeting:

[Planeteers]
"Earth!"
"Fire!"
"Wind!"
"Water!"
[Captain Planet]
"By your powers combined, I am Cap-"
[Annoying little runt walks in]
"Hey guys, what's up? Aw, neat! Hey, can I join?"
[Planeteers]
"But we've already... I mean, we... uh..."
And they just couldn't bring themselves to tell him to scram, so they just said
"Oh, fine, just give him... Idunno... 'Heart'.
[Heart kid]
"Really? Oh, cool! Thanks guys!"
[Planeteers]
"*grumble* whatever."

And they've been waiting for the chance to get rid of him ever since.

ROFL man. I agree.