I can already tell that I'm going to have a hard time describing the place where I am right now because, on a personal level, it's largely undefined. I can't tell you exactly why I'm not in the best of places right now or even what's going on to cause me to feel the way I do because, quite frankly, I don't know why I'm feeling this way. All I can say is that I'm feeling pretty low right now. I mean, the circumstances in my life right now do fuel this feeling... and I did have a birthday last month, which tends to make me think about life, and that may be doing it, too. On a very positive note, though, this has nothing to do with a girl, so yay!
What I know is that I've been doing what I could to stave off quite the depressive state since maybe a couple of weeks before my birthday. This tends to happen around that time because my mind has a tendency to look over the events of the past during that time. I get very introspective and judge myself very harshly during this time... but I digress. The thing is that I look back on my life both before and after I turned 29, and I really don't like what I see. I haven't done much with myself... half because I don't know what to do with myself and half because I fear rejection terribly. Right now, I feel like I'm a burden on everyone who knows me to the point where I just want to hide from everyone... and I've lost much of my motivation for many things.
I've set some things in motion to help change some things, should the Lord grant me success in this way. One thing that I have done is I've set up plans to move out of my mother's house. I appreciate everything that she's done for me over the course of my life, but I feel as though my metaphorical wings are getting to large for this place. I've lived here for most of my life, after all... and I feel like I have to get out. Anyway, I figure that much of the changes I'm seeking to make will begin there, but even that's moving slowly. I need a place that will allow me to work full-time (or get two jobs) in the place that has become available to me, but that is proving difficult.
Anyway... there's more, but my mind is a bit jumbled up at the moment. The bottom line is that I'd like prayer for these things. At the moment, that's all I want... maybe direction as well... but, for now, please pray for me.
