CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

Well, I'm looking at possibly moving across the country. I just got settled back home with my parents, so I'm more than a little distressed. The offer is coming from my aunt; She needs help taking care of my grandma, and with my cousin having recently moved out, there's some serious pressure to get someone to do it. I'd get free room and board, and be expected to look for and hold a job (no biggie since being in the same house all the time would drive me up the wall).

The reason I'm hesitating is that there's a reason my cousin left as soon as she was able. My aunt and grandmother are terribly controlling and bossy, and love the sounds of their own voices. This makes me very wary.

Prayers (and if anyone has any advice or insight) would be greatly appreciated! I will be making my decision by next Sunday, so by then I'll have made a definite decision.

On a side note: I'm better, but my dad isn't. He's had his cough for two years, but when he went to see the doctor, he was blown off once they determined that he didn't have pneumonia. The issue is that they didn't bother to find out what it IS, and don't give a care. This is incredibly distressing. So please pray that somehow, he'll be okay.

Praying.

Caregiving is a very demanding task. Holding a job while caregiving is tougher. Doing so in an environment where your patient as well as another relative are bossy and loud is... well, I'm not seeing many positives here.

My wife has been trying provide support for her mother, who was badly injured in an accident in August. While my wife has been supplying both monetary and physical support in abundance (she's made two trips to Atlanta in the past three weeks), her aunts and their extended families have been anything but kind and considerate, bringing up past 'hurts' (mostly imagined) and establishing unrealistic expectations (my wife should quit her job, move 600 miles, surrender her life savings to 'the family', and take care of her mother 24/7). Most of the motivation here has been purely selfish -- the aunts for the most part despise her mother and don't want to take care of her.

This may sound harsh, but there are some families you just have to beware of.

My own mom took care of my ailing Dad (who had Alzheimer's) for 17 years. She never once demanded any of her children or siblings to drop everything and provide support. She held a full-time job (self employed as a counselor while creating a business partnership that still thrives today), took care of my sister (who suddenly became very ill and died in the middle of all this), and still managed to care for my father until his death a few years ago (he was institutionalized for only two months before he passed). Our family members certainly did help out, but my mom never felt like it was someone else's problem. And, during this time, though she was sometimes frustrated and occasionally depressed, she never bossed, never manipulated, never controlled.

See the difference? Both patterns happen. I believe both are choices.

I am not at all a believer that all families are created equal, nor are the obligations universal. If you are doing this because you are convinced it is the right thing to do -- then do it. On the other hand, if you are being pressured because family members think you are obligated to do it -- my radar would go up immediately. From your description, this does not sound like a healthy situation. But only you know the dynamics involved. I personally would not go.

Also... if you are caregiving for your father... perhaps that is in itself a higher priority.

Am praying.

@ ClosetOtaku - Woof :/ You're right about it being a tough job. And I do know my aunt and grandmother - it would not be pleasant to live with them, even at my dad's urging (I'm not his caregiver, he's still fairly self-reliant though isolated because of family issues in our house). But there are a few other issues that I do need to consider, like having been turned down for a job at a local fast-food place and being unable to pay my parents rent. It's a lot to try and figure out on short notice. I do appreicate the insight about what it could potentially be like, though, and that stress might hinder being able to work and save up the way I want to.

Both your prayers are appreciated. Same for you, Twister!

Will be praying. It sounds like a tough situation. :\

I'm with ClosetOtaku on how not every family will be the same in regards to caretaking. My mom and my aunt took care of my grandmother (their mother) for about 14 years before she passed away (she suffered from a classic case of Alzheimer's). It was rough, I can tell you that. While it depends on why the person needs caretaking (whether it's just early dementia or Alzheimers, or even something as extreme as Parkinson's), often you need to plan your whole life around it. Most of my childhood was altered significantly because of my mom and eventually me helping take care of my grandma (altered in both good ways and not so good ways).

But, as I'm sure you know, it's not a decision to take lightly. Definitely in regards to other issues like finding a job (is the place your going have a lower unemployment rate, etc.?) and being able to find things you enjoy doing outside of caretaking (it could be a difference between living in a bigger city or living in a small town. For those not used to one or the other, it can be quite overwhelming and sometimes depressing making the switch, finding friends, etc.). In the end, it may be better not to go and stay with your dad instead (will be praying for his condition as well!). But if somehow both situations seem hopeless, you may have to take the lesser of two evils, or look outside the box for a third option.

Again, I'll be praying. I've always disliked having to make decisions fast like this, so I feel for you; but whatever you do, I'm sure God will help you through it.

Will be praying.

Big moves like this can be quite a lot of pressure Atria. I've made a lot of them in my life being a military brat. I think the hardest one I've ever made thought was when I moved out here to Oklahoma though. After I lost my job in Nashville, couldn't find new work, and was forced to go on unemployment, I had the option to move out here and stay with my grandparents. The condition being similar to what you have that I, of course, find and hold down a job. Obviously I found a job since I talk about it all the time.

I currently still live with my grandparents but I don't stay here for free, I do pay monthly rent and the situation at times is somewhat strenuous. I don't know you personally so I can't vouch for what your personality is really like in real life, but I'm the kind of person who often likes to get away from other people and just have my own personal time. If I want to be around others then I'll make it a point to go be with other people. My grandparents on the other hand are very much into the concept of needing to have family over and being close-knit. They always want to know what I'm doing, or tell me that I should be doing x y or z a different way. It does make life a rather tedious at times.

I continue to live here because it's still a bit cheaper to do so than if I were to move out and get my own apartment, but once a series of raises hit (which shouldn't be too far off) I'm most likely going to go ahead and move out anyway.

I can't tell you what to do obviously. But I can't tell you that despite the issues you might run into with your bossypants relatives, making a cross-country move can be one of the most enlightening things you'll ever do. I know you recently went to England and got to experience their very different culture, but you can find that different places in our own country have incredibly different cultures when you start paying attention to what is actually going on locally. You'll make the right decision for you ultimately, I just hope that you're actually willing entertain the thought of picking your whole life up, cutting some ties, and taking it with you to somewhere you may barely know.

I'm with ClosetOtaku too. That doesn't sound like a great situation, and not one easily gotten out of.

@ Goldy- Thank you for bringing up issues I hadn't really considered in-depth. My grandmother is slightly disabled (need a walker), but she's fully cognisant of the world. What I'd have to deal with is the personality... especially since she's an alchoholic at the ripe age of 92 (which brings up another set of health issues).

A solid conversation about the area is in order if I'm seriously considering moving out there, though. (ah, wasn't clear about my dad. He lives with my mom and brother, and I'm living with all three of them. The option is to stay here or move out there)

@ Xeno - thanks for your input. I actually have no problem moving out there just to move, that part is really the bit that has me excited... it's the idea of what could happen if things didn't work out that worries me. Especially since my aunt would be less than truthful about the job prospects just to get me out there to take care of my grandmother. I need to talk to my parents about the possibility of things not working out and giving myself enough time out there to figure out whether I can manage it or not.

@ Shooby - It would be tricky, but not impossible. But there are definitely major trade-offs in moving out there, since things aren't the nicest at home, either.

I also want to point out something that I hadn't thought of when I made my first post. Your aunt is saying you wont be charges rent right now...but that's right now. Now, I'm not going to judge your aunts character as I don't know her, but I do know people who have been situations somewhat like yours and mine even qualifies out on the fringes a bit.

1. You move there and you're not charged for the first few months.
2. You get a job and start making money. Someone in family makes mention that utilities and food costs have increased since you started living there. Decide you should start paying some kind of rent.
3. Rent will continue to increase in dollar amount as you start to make more money.
4. You're paying the same in rent to stay with family as you would to have your own place.

Also Atria, what kind of work are you looking for? If its anything specific you can PM me the city you're thinking of moving to and I can see what kind of open jobs I can find (I'm fairly decent at that).

I was thinking of that, which is why I'm thinking that if I do move out there I'd get the agreement in writing and signed by everyone involved. I'm fully aware that she made an attempt to take every single penny of my cousin's paycheck when my cousin was younger, so I know that she's greedy and unfair about these things.

Isn't this the aunt you don't get along well with? Sounds like you need some big prayers!

rocklobster (post: 1587710) wrote:Isn't this the aunt you don't get along well with? Sounds like you need some big prayers!

This is a different aunt than my one in Florida, but thank you anyway!

Yeah, I know what it's like to have to take care of someone. I had to help my mom out when she had her tummy surgery, and that was on top of my dog having puppies and other stuff. Hard work! I'll be praying!

Will pray, friend.

Praying for ya!

Well, the decision has been made! I decided to wait on a particular job opportunity to give myself a deadline, and I didn't get it. So I'll be moving halfway across the country sometime next week.

Atria35 (post: 1588609) wrote:Well, the decision has been made! I decided to wait on a particular job opportunity to give myself a deadline, and I didn't get it. So I'll be moving halfway across the country sometime next week.

Good luck Atria, keep us posted.

Yes, best of luck to you Atria and safe travels!

Good Luck I'll pray you have a safe trip!!

Thanks, guys! I appreciate all your advice and prayers.

Good luck, Atria, and safe travels!

Have a pleasant and safe move, Atria!
Hugs.

Well, this move started off on the wrong foot. After dad and I left, mom had run on some errands and then went to sleep. She forgot to lock the door behind her when she lept and - surprise! - our house was broken into >.<" She's fine, she slept through the whole thing, but my brother's XBox and laptop were stolen. He's filed a police report, and they've sent the serial numbers to the pawn shops in town.

This is unbelievable stressful. Please pray that he might get his stuff back (or, at least, have something good happen to him in turn) and that I will be able to handle the trip.

Uh oh.

Praying for that and for a safe trip! Be careful!

Second road bump hit: Discovered my dad is driving with a license that expired 5 years ago >.<" So plans have changed to take into account I am doing ALL the driving from here on in. Thankfully at this point we're in Flagstaff, so it's not too far to my final destination.

Still praying! Hope the rest of the trip goes well. If you're headed north, it should be easier driving, but if you headed into Cali land, I will be sending many many extra prayers your way for driving. <3

Thanks, guys! I'm actually headed into Cali after this, so... ^.^" Dearie me. I'm going to have another stop between here and my final destination - changed my hotel reservations for tonight to make easier driving.

Atria35 (post: 1590124) wrote:Second road bump hit: Discovered my dad is driving with a license that expired 5 years ago >.<" So plans have changed to take into account I am doing ALL the driving from here on in. Thankfully at this point we're in Flagstaff, so it's not too far to my final destination.

It's always something isn't it?

Good luck!

Hope everything works out.